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Ask Dr. Kaushik Your Own Question
Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4621
Experience:  MD Psychiatry
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Me and my boyfriend have been in our relationship for 5 years.

Customer Question

Me and my boyfriend have been in our relationship for 5 years. I come from a very toxic and broken family. My parents are still married but the home life was just not healthy. He never knew his real dad and had a not too good step father in his life for a while, but his mother is a strong woman and got out of that relationship. My said boyfriend has progressively gotten worse in the way he treats me over the passed few months. He has become more mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. He is a narcissists and is always talking down to me and tries to manipulate me. His concerning statement to me was that I bring out the worst in him. I am confused because I have always been honest and loyal to him and we have connect in such a phenomenal way and have had such good communication in the past. Now it seems like no matter what I say or do it triggers something inside of him. What can I do? He conveniently forgets his actions and conversations so talking to him isn't working.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 7 years ago.

Hi there ,


Welcome to Just answer !


Since how long has he been behaving in this manner with you ?


did this kind of behaviour from his side started after an argument or verbal spat with or did it start on its own ?


has this kind of abusive behaviour been shown by him in the past as well ?



Customer: replied 7 years ago.
It's all been subtle in the past and has gotten worse over the past few months, its really pathetic the way the situations go down. It's random and usual verbal spat, sometimes it's little incidents trigger him where he has some preconceived notion. The latest incident was about taking food into the house and he purposely tipped my drink, (pathetic) and I have pretty much no more patients so I grabbed his being spiteful and wasted it. somewhere there triggered his anger and he followed me inside ranting about hitting me; asking me if I wanted to get hit, and next thing I knew he had smacked me in face open hand and I was on the floor.
Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 7 years ago.

Thanks for the reply.


Well, your boyfriend has been bringing the same abusive lifestyle which he had seen as a kid in his house with his parents involved, and this kind of emotional and physical abuse are found to influence children a lot , specially when they see this happening in their own household , so quite naturally your boyfriend has been acting like this because he does not know any better to act than this , and this is very unfrotunate and sad for you to bear the brunt of his physical and verbal abuse , and such kind of behaviour is despicable and to be condemned .


However , if you want to give him a second but, last chance , before you eventually decide to end this traumatic abusive relationship , then i would suggest that you and him need to go through relationship counseling from a relationship expert , but before you do this , it has to be a firm decision from your part to see that this abuse comes to an end , either by ending this relationship or by him being sorry for his past ruthless acts against you and mending his ways for good and permanently and make sure that he gets to know about your firm decision behind seeking counseling with him and also tell him that you had enough of this abuse ,and if he does not work with you in rebuilding the already strained relationship , then , you will be compelled to opt out of the relationship.


He also needs to take individual psychotherapy ( counseling in lay terms ) in the form of Cognitive behavioural therapy ( CBT ) from a seasoned psycholgist to help him come to terms with his traumatic childhood and to develop techniques for calming himself down in pressure and stressful situations and not to loose his cool and not to over-react and also preventing his past to get the better of him , thus preventing the abuse from him.


However, if you feel ,that you have already done what i have mentioned above a number of times , without any fruitful result , then i would suggest that you need to move out of his company , if not permanently , but atleast for a temporary period of time , so that you can think and rethink about the fact that where your relationship is heading to , and whether you can survive long enough if he does not stop his abuse or change his mannerisms and actions , so in other words you need to spend some time alone , away from him , to introspect about your relationship and its future , giving much importance to your health and safety.


I hope this helps..


I wish you all the best.


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