We are often motivated to commit acts out of guilt, using our heart and not our head. Also there is a feeling of giving something up after 29 years even if the thing you give up is a negative. Since you are having such a difficult time in staying the course, I would suggest that you engage in a brief stint of individual psychotherapy until you have worked out the issue and are set in your desired position. You must get it firmly established or yo risk losing your new relation. I hope this answer has been usefl and wish you the best.
If you require further clarification or more information, feel free to ask!
Please click the green "ACCEPT" button on this page if you are satisfied with my answer so that I get credit for my work. Your positive feedback is most important and bonuses are always welcomed. If this is a mental health, or medical emergency, please call emergency services (911 in the USA), or go to your nearest Emergency Room. The opinion provided does not replace an evaluation by an appropriate professional. Use of this website DOES NOT CREATE a provider-client relation and this information is for educational purposes only.