Is there a reason to push your boyfriend away? Is he abusive. Could you formulate your issue into a question so that I could give you an appropriate answer?
It sounds like you have problems with intimacy and so to avoid confronting this issue you push him away. Then as a result of this behavior and I assume it has happened more than once you dislike yourself. I would suggest that first you dislike your behavior and not yourself as they are too different things and this just one aspect of your entire character. Unfortunately, it appears to be well established in your personality and to make such a major personality change will probably require professional help. In this case I would recommend Cognitive Behavioral Therapy where you learn ways of changing thinking and behaving and as a result you change your feelings about yourself. See
You have every reason to believe that with appropriate help this will change for the better. I hope that this has proved useful information to you and wish yo the best.
I am not in the UK either, it is just a good description. I too believe that a cognitive apoproach would be the most beneficial and it is the only one that is evidence based.
If you require further clarification or more information, feel free to ask!
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