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Ask Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH Your Ow...

Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH
Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 251
Experience:  Over 15 years of experience as a substance abuse therapist. I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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i am visiting my mother after 10 years of staying away from

Customer Question

i am visiting my mother after 10 years of staying away from her. I am trying to forgive her for her treatment of me as a child and like her as a person and grandmother she is today. I have no respect or warm feeling for her. I am completely faking everything. Instead should I blow up this visit with my real thoughts, confront and be perfectly honest?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH replied 7 years ago.
Hi there,
I would say if you're having these feelings toward your mother it might be appropriate to talk to her about it. Blowing up, probably won't help the situation. A lot of times when we have been feeling angry or resentful towards someone for so long it can build and build until we explode on the person. This usually just makes the person defensive and then the discussion doesn't go very well. I would say if you feel you can't talk calmly with a clear mind, it might not be best to bring it up now. If you can talk calmly, I would suggest always using "I feel" statements when talking about the issue. ex. I feel ______________ when you ________, I need you to ____________________. It is best to avoid using statements of You did this _______ and you always did this____________. Most people won't listen very well to that.

If you can't speak with her rationally right now, I would suggest waiting until you leave and possibly seeing a therapist to get a handle on your feelings. (if you haven't already). Sometimes writing a letter to a person explaining how you feel about the situation, after processing the issue in therapy, can be very effective.

I hope this answer helped. If you have any further questions, please let me know.
Take care, Kym

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Customer: replied 7 years ago.
I feel you did not answer my question. I stated should I blow up this visit with my real thoughts, confront and be perfectly honest. I did not say blow up as in attack. Bringing up anything would blow up this fake pretend visit, not matter how carefully I word something, which was not helpful, i already know about the the I feel statements. There is not the option of talking calmly. Anything approaching these subjects or a letter will outrage her. I want a happy healed life, maybe I should just talk with a therapist, not my mother, and leave us with this fake but peaceful visit. But our lives are running out and this just feels stagnant, but maybe I keep my dignity and consider it the higher road.
Expert:  Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH replied 7 years ago.
I think your last statement, "maybe I should just talk with a therapist, not my mother, and leave us with this fake but peaceful visit.", does sound approrpiate given that you feel anyway of approaching it will outrage her. A therapist can help you learn how to let go of the past or even of your mother if that is what's needed. I hope you find peace within yourself regarding this situation. It's hard when the other person isn't receptive to healing.
Take care, Kym

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