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Ask Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH Your Ow...
Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH
Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 251
Experience:  Over 15 years of experience as a substance abuse therapist. I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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I dated a guy is a psychologist for more than a year, its

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I dated a guy is a psychologist for more than a year, it's been up and down relationship, everytime I thought everything is fine then he tried tell me he is not happy and wanted break up - as goes ' love you but not in love you ' however, next day, he would call me said 'miss me, don't want break up'. it's been going on every month. He wanted control everything, the more his family and friends like me, the more he got so upset, the more silence treatment. He is big drinker, i don't drink but he will insist me to drink with him. Blam me for everything (even he mess up the finanical - did not billing his paients for nine months, sexual promblem - b/c i did not play role right,etc...) forgot my 40 years old birthday or the chrismas but at same time he through a birthday party for his friend made me to cooking for him. Even my dog is dying downstair, and I was crying for whole night, he still wanted me to have sex with him. As much as love him, I know something was not right in this relationship, I find myself that so hard pull myself away from him. Finally, the day after meent his family (visiting us for a week) everything went fine, and his family absoully love me that he broke with me b/c he feel guilt not treat me right. Two days later, he called me that he miss me but that point I just can't take anymore. It's been two months now, it should be long period for me to recovey. But I know he is not good for me, i just can't help miss him and so depressed - can't sleep, i don't know what to do this point, and don't know what did i do wrong?

Please help!
Hi there,
The first thing I noticed about your question is that you think you did something wrong. It sounds like he is very hot and cold with his emotions and you don't know how to react to unpredictable moods and changing behaviors. I think anyone would be confused with these conflicting messages. Plus if his drinking is that of an alcoholic, it would be impossible to predict his behavior from one day to the next.
I think it is fantastic that you realize this is an unhealthy relationship and that it is hurting you emotionally. It sounds like this relationship is mimicking the cycle of abuse (emotional) which is characterized by a honeymoon stage "I miss you, don't want to break up" then a tension building stage and then an explosion stage "breaking up". This is a very difficult way to live and usually it takes making a decision to leave a relationship to help you feel better. Unfortunately, leaving can be hard because there is a part of you that still loves him.
Most importantly, you deserve better than be treated with inconsistency and mixed messages. If you decide to leave the relationship I would recommend immersing yourself in things that you love, your friends, hobbies, new activities that can take your mind off him and allow you time to heal. Also, it might be helpful to seek out a counselor to help you keep perspective about all the hurtful times when the "honeymoon" stage comes around again.
I hope this information has helped you. Please feel free to ask more questions or to ask for clarification about anything I have said.
I wish you luck with this situation as it is very hard to go through a breakup.

Take care, Kym

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