How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Anna Your Own Question

Anna
Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Anna is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My current boyfriend has guilt issues regarding his ex-wife.

Resolved Question:

My current boyfriend has guilt issues regarding his ex-wife. he has only been divirced for 6 months and we have been dating for 3 months....He continues to talk about her and her abusive relationship and even though she treated him very badly he is still very guilt ridden.
Should I listen to his past or just tell him let drop it and move to new future and not feel hurt bc he is still like that...our relationship for most part is very calm and no drama like his past.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.
HeyCustomer

Welcome to Just Answer.

Can you tell me what he is guilty about? Are there children he's feeling guilty over? What form was the abuse in?

Anna
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

 

Hi Anna,

No there are no children. They were married for a little over one year and she also was abusive physically and mentally. He is a very handsome guy and she was an over weight and not attractive at all. So I never understood why he chose someone like her because I am the opposite of her. He told me once that he thought that over weight people will always be nice and could never hurt anyone so he was totally shocked when she turned out this way. She was very manipulative as well and never trusted him and accused him of cheating on her all the time. It got so bad that he hated coming home after work and just wanted not to be there. And she is the one that asked for the divorce, she used him money wise and also to get into the States.

He would shower her with gifts and she was never satisfied.

She even lied about her education and said she had a Phd. Coming to find out that she had gone to school for 10 years and did not even have an undergraduate.

And he even tried to be nice about her lie. I hate talking about her, when he wants to vent out but then feel guilty bc I need to be supportive. Also feel upset that why can't he forget about her and it should be easy since our relationship is so different. We don't really fight and have a lot in common. I love him and want to help him but also hate talking about her and his past....Sometimes even when we fight he tells me he hates the fights because it reminds him of her...

What to do????...

Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.
Ahhhh,Customer
I'm getting the picture. You're being too "nice". It's one thing to understand a person's problems and struggles, but its quite another to be called to be the healer.   Your relationship has to be built on what YOU and HE have together, not what SHE and he had together.

It sounds like you're being held over a barrell with this - if you don't "listen and be supportive of his pain", then you're not really being very loving, are you? NOT TRUE. Listening to someone's pain over a past relationship is good...for a very small time, and then it needs to stop and be dealt with between other friends - not the new girlfriend. If you then say that he doesn't really have friends he can talk with about this, that is a problem in and of itself. You cannot meet all his needs, and maybe it's time for him to see a counselor.

With all that you say, it's so obvious what was going on in that relationship. If he can't see it for what it is, then he's got really poor interpersonal skills. "Overweight people are always nice?" That isn't a normal adult thought....it's childlike and magical.

Sometimes people who are afraid to share about themselves spend more time sharing about someone else...telling the other person's story instead of their own. Mature, healthy adults can talk about themselves so that they develop intimacy with others.

If you hate him talking about his past, kindly tell him that you've really reached your limit with talk of the ex, and want to enjoy your time together getting to know each other. You don't want to know more about her. If he doesn't respect that simple request, he's not respecting you. It's time for him to stop because it's important to you that he stop. Anyone who likes you would be able to do that for you.

Anna
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you for your relpy...you are 100% correct and I have decided I don't want to listen anymore. he was seeing a therapist and he stopped because he felt like he didn't need to see her anymore.

But I am not the new therapist, he can talk to his sisters and keep me out it. This relationship is about us and I didn't sign up to listen to his stories about his pyscho EX...

 

Expert:  Anna replied 4 years ago.
Great attitude! You don't want to have 3 in the bed. I've heard too many stories of women who nurse a man through the pain of his last relationship only to find out thats all he really wants to share of himself: his pain.

Thanks for this opportunity to answer your question. Please fill out the feedback form after accepting, as it helps me to help you and others. Good luck with your relationship!

Anna
Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
Anna and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education