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Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  PsyD, LPC, CHt
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I wonder if you can help me understand my mother. She can

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I wonder if you can help me understand my mother. She can be a very seductive character but has been cruel and neglectful of me all of my life. Any attempt to deal with our unhappy relationship has been met with outright denial of there being a problem. She has never ever been wrong had a 'concience' about her behaviour towards me. As an adult I decided to see very little of her as a result.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 7 years ago.

Good Afternoon,


It sounds that there is a personality clash between you and your mom. Unfortunately, we can be hurt by family members (even parents more so than by strangers)

Just because we find ourselves in the same family with other souls, it does not mean that they will be kinder or understanding towards us. When this happens, we are disappointed and baffled as to how a parent can be cruel and rejecting of us.


The reality is that everyone is different and each person tries to get out of life what they want despite the feelings of others (at times sadly even their own kids)


Perhaps this is how she herself was parented and did not learn differently.


You may want to compose either a mental or (on paper) a family tree to see what may have influenced her character in her own life. Every experience that a person has, shapes who they are (that and genetics)


Your mother is a person like any other on her own path (some people reach their spiritual evolution sooner than others) meanwhile, we all can error and it is unfortunate that you had been on the other end of her hurtful behaviors.



Customer: replied 7 years ago.

I appreciate your philisophical answer but there is an enormous amount of damage here. I am lucky to be alive - having suffered greatly at her hands. She was very cruel to my father and he died very young. I was severely depressed by the time I managed to get away from her clutches at 16 as I knew she had the power to kill me. It is not easy to accept that 'to get what she wants' she would be happy to sacrifice me and not, as a mother, want to accept that she has hurt me dreadfully, she has no insight at all into how this may have affected me and no conscience or sense of what is right or wrong. What kind of mental illness is this? She is happy to demonise me instead of trying to heal this situation.

Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 7 years ago.

Yes, you are right. People who damage and hurt their own children must have some kind of a problem. It can be speculated what is "wrong with her". She could have traits of an antisocial personality disorder (some people may say a sociopath)

I am not sure if speculating on a diagnosis or pointing out what is wrong with her will minimize or excuse what she had done to you.

You have been hurt and hopefully you have at some point had thought of getting professional counseling to assist you in at least sorting things out and finding peace within.

I know exactly what kind of damage a parent can make; and I also know that while we are still here, we ought to find a way to move on (whatever it is counseling, soul searching, confrontation, prayer, spirituality, etc). If we stay stuck in the past, we allow that person to hurt us even when they are not present in our life. I hope that you do understand that the only change at this stage in life can be made only by you as a gift to yourself (and that is going to be very hard because memories don't just go away)



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