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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1696
Experience:  Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
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I broke up with my boyfriend because I felt he had some mental

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I broke up with my boyfriend because I felt he had some mental issues that he was not willing to accept. Since our break-up he has exhibited further behavior that included doing bad things to people that he thought I was dating.

I do care for him and he is/was a very nice person while we were dating but I do believe he has unresolved issues. He also begin stalking me although he does not recognize it as such. I want to help him see his problem. Is it possible to be with someone after such an episode if he gets help?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 5 years ago.
Hi and welcome,

Until his is willing to accept and get treatment for his problems he will not get better. I understand that you want to help him, however, if he is stalking you and doing other bad things to people you would be best served to stay away fro any interaction. Right now you are being very kind wanting to help, but as his behavior spirals he will not listen to you. You will not only feel hurt by this but could be in physical danger as well. If he keeps stalking you call the authorities. He is not stable and you have no idea what he is capable of, it may be nothing but do you want to take that chance? It's noble to want to get him to see he has a problem but that may only cause you more trouble. If he knows you broke up with him because of his issues that's enough for you to do right now. I hope this helps
Dr. Keane
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

He has began counseling and has been in counseling for two weeks now. I guess my question is more about the relationship post-counseling. Is it a good idea to resume a relationship with him again afterwards? Like I said it is his unresolved issues that caused me to end a relationship that was otherwise really good. And it has been his behavior post-break-up that has made me really unsure of whether I should have relationship with him ever again (cutting suspected tires of people I am seeing, texting me and writing letters confessing his love, etc.)

 

He has never threatened me or been violent towards me. I know he lost his wife and best friend in the past and he does seem very sensitive to lost. I just feel bad because otherwise he is such a sweet and giving person. It's just his behavior in the relationship seemed rather strange at times (sensitive, needy) and has grown since our break-up.

Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 5 years ago.
Hi, thanks for the additional information, that changes the perspective a bit.
The negative behaviors he is exhibiting are directed at you and that is dangerous in itself. The texts and letters he sends sound like he is desperate to have you back in his life. Actions speak louder than words. Loss causes people to experience very deep painful feelings. He is angry and scared of losing you? If he tells you he loves you again, or even texts you, ask if you can attend a therapy session with him. That way you can express, in front of an objective person, how you feel and what you need in order to reconnect with him and have a relationship.
Aside from the "danger" of his behavior right now, going to therapy is a good thing and once he resolves his issues and is feeling better there is no reason that you cannot resume your relationship. Just remember, he is capable of doing some "bad" things. Who is to say he won't do them again in the future. I would suggest before you do resume any relationship with him that counseling be part of the "deal"....not just a one time visit for you.
I hope this also helps.
Dr. Keane
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thanks so much for response. One last thing... I did request to speak with the counselor and I did actually have a conversation with her over phone. She seemed to feel my presence might not have a good affect on his counseling. What do you think about that? I also know that my family and friends are very much aware of his behavior which is why I asked the question about resuming a relationship with him. They believe I should walk away forever and I guess I just don't feel so absolute about it. I just want him to get help but I don't want him to have false hope nor use us getting back together as a reason to go to counseling.

 

I just want him to get better on his own and us revisit "us" after he has done so. But how can I do that without giving him false hope or re-focusing back on to me when he should be focused on counseling? He has not contacted me since his last session on Monday, which I am sure the counselor told him not to contact me. I guess in the end I just wanted to know if he contacts me in the future if I should entertain the conversation or see him again. I guess I now feel a little guilty that I did not push counseling prior to the break-up and I really just want to help him since he is an overall nice person but so much as happened now that it is really hard to go back without so much judgement.

 

 

Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 5 years ago.
Hi, sorry was off line with patients...
you did speak to his counselor and her advice was for you not to come. That's fine. You got to tell her what your concerns and thoughts were. For right now that's great. Your family and friends are trying to protect you. His behavior is not normal. Right now he needs to focus on him, which is what you have to allow him to do.
As far as a future with him is concerned, no one knows how long it will be before he is able to accept what has happened, dealt with the anger and depression and be healthy enough to move on. You have to be careful here since you are part of his "before" therapy life. If and when he feels he's okay for a relationship you may not be part of the equation. You will have to wait and see what happens since it's impossible for anyone to know how he will be in the future or how you will feel in the future.
I hope this helps.
Dr. Keane
Please click accept and leave feedback when you are satisfied.
Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1696
Experience: Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
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