I do not want you to be unconcerned, but at the same time., you need not over react. Marijuanna is used by more American's than any other illegal drug. It is in the tens of millions. I get questions from good families who are dealing with children who have committed serious felonies. So in the light of what could be this is serious, but not horrific. Keep your reactions under control (I too am a parent so understand in more than a clinical way). You have reacted appropriately, in that you are not going to support the party life. Late teenage years is the time of individuation and rebellion from family and to some degree this what is happening. All you can do is put your message about right and wrong across and let him run with it. He will find out that living appropriately will be in the end more appropriate. Be patient and keep things in perspective. The fantasies will turn into hard facts and he will realize that he will need to change if he wants the things that he does want. Do not forget that he is young and time is on his side. There is not much more that you can do, you have offered him help and it is up to him to accept it. Maintain your firm stance, but do not constantly focus on this one area or he will not hear what you have to say. I am reasonably certain that after trying to live on Macdonalds' wages the facts about the need to go to college will be come apparent to him. Avoid confontations, allow him an appropriate amount of distance. Don't react as if the world has ended , it has not this is a learning step (albeit a hard and serious one) on the road of growing up. Again avoid fights, continue to not support his behavior, iand n time, I believe he will come around. Good luck and best wishes. If you found this answer helpful please push the green button so I know and can be compensated. feedback is always appreciated,
Well this is clearly more serious than I first believed based upon the info. That being said, I recommend that you main a rigid policy of no support unless it is for appropriate things like counseling which I bellieve he definitely needs. You probably feel guilty and should not. You have tried your best. The fountain will run dry at some point. The idea is to keep the lines of communication open, so that when the time comes (and I am optimistic that it will, he will be able to talk to you. Let's see how he is going to support himself. Your love is unconditional-you love him, but don't like his behavior. This is a message you can share during a non argumentative moment. Have you considered family therapy to elp the fa,ily as a unit. It the strss gets to much for you, you might counsider counseling for yourself. You have showed him the path. He has wandered off it. I still believe he will eventually come back to it. I am sending this as a request for info so you don t have to pay for it. Best wishes and good lck. You need to hang in there.
The confrontation will always be in vain. It sounds like he has wnat is called a co-occuring disoreder, a substance abuse problem and a mental health issue. He definitely needs treatment and my feeling it is long term up to a year in a residential drug treatment facility (I know I ran one). I think he needs to get his house in order before he returns to college as the drug and psychological problems do not go away-they get worse without help and he will probably fail again due to his condition. "Support him and be independent"-how much clearer can his poor judgement be, I think and this may sound cruel that he must go for inpatient treatment. You do have leverage in that he has committed several felonious acts and have not persued them. You need to do so to force him to get the help that he requires. A great family support network will help, but he needs professional custodial care, and if you have to use the legal authorities to get him help, you have to. He will tell you how bad you are and how you don't love him, but loving him is doing the right thing not making him happy doing what he wants. I know this sounds cruel, but it isn't it is loving. So the choices are go voluntarily or involuntarily, but he should go. It is fortuitess that I received this question as I answered the previous one.
If this info has been of help please press the grren button so I know and can be compensated. As alwats feedback is welcomed.
Thank you. You have a difficult task but one that has to be done, He is lucky to have supportive parents such as yourself.
Thank you so much for helping me and my son. You were correct in the dual diagnosis. Yesterday I visited my son and he kept on talking about getting help for his mental problem. He said is not addiction that drugs is not the problem. That he feels there is something wrong with him. That he can feel peoples face expressions. He made an appt with a psychologist that treats addiction but he wont let in the 1st visit. I took my sons computer and was able to watch a video diary of himself talking about how he was sexually abused by 2 teenage boys when he was 8 ysd old (the babysitters friends and the only time I ever left him with a babysitter in his lifetime). I am distroyed and feel so guilty. It was only for 2 hours. At that time I remember he told me that the babysitters friends came to our house and were playing with the golf clubs. I remember asking him if they hurt him in any way and calling the babysitters mother(my son's teacher). In the video diary he goes on to tell how he has had multiple sexual encounters since he was 12 with boys and girls his age but that he is not gay and that he loves his girlfriend so much and she is everything to him. At the end of the video he start crying about some girl. I am in chock but want to be strong to help him find the help he needs. This info changes everything. I need to get him a pschiatrist that deals with addiction, sexual abuse and mental disorder and long term detox and rehab. Where do I start? my husband is a physican but we live in a small town in Florida. I know that we have to be actively involved so it needs to be withing driving distance. I looked in the internet but is so overwelming. I have family in Miami so that is another option. What do you suggest?
Our son agreed to go to an addiction specialist. The psychologist recommended that we dont put our son into a rehab. and to let him stay in the same college town, register for classes and have regular drug testing. We agreed. During the months of August-November he did very well. He finally tested negative for mariguana. His never tested positive for anything else. Then, in late November he did not answer his phone for 4 days. I drove 2 hours to find him. I found him in his room passed out. There was items in the room pointing to mariguana abuse and some lortab pills(took from his grandmother) and crushed them. I stayed with him all night while on the phone with 2 psychologist from Miami that I had already made appointment to get evaluated for ADHD. I was ready to take him to rehab when they assured me that this was not an addiction and that he needed to be seen by them ASAP. The next morning, I drove with my son to Miami and he got evaluated for ADHD and counseled regarding the sexual abuse. I left my son in Miami with family and headed home to my 6 year old. It took several weeks for the evaluationton and during this time my son continued to spoke pot. My inlaws did not wanted him in the house so I had to go and pick him up. After the ADHD evaluation was completed I met with the phychologist for the results. It showed memory loss, IQ went from 120 to 110 and moderate ADHD with strong recommendation to get medication for ADHD. As per the sexual abuse, he is yet to disclose any emotions. The psychologist tried many times to make him open up but he refuses. My son did not go to school from Jan-April. He continued to have the phone sessions with the psychologists from Miami once he came back home in March. He went to a psychiatrist and got Concerta for the ADHD which he started taking when he registered for Summer A classes at the community college. He took one class and passed it with a B. For Summer B he took 2 classes and we let him move to the guess house as a reward for doing so well. He is doing really well getting good grades. But of course, it was too good to be true. On fathers day I walked into the guess house and found him and a friend spoking pot out of a 2 liter bottle placed in a bucket with water. My husband gave him 1 month to get a job and leave. My son promised it wont happen again and was a perfect angel since today, Worl Cup game, I found him again smoking pot in the guess house by himself. His excuse is that is not a big deal. That he does it to relax once in a while. That everybody does it. Well, it is not legal and we don't want drugs in our property. We have a 7 years old. A rehab might be a waste of money. He does not think smoking pot once in a while is a problem and that a rehab center will laugh at me. Is he worth $30,000 in a rehab (3 months)? He said he will go to get evaluated. That he is not an addict. All I see is the 8 year old getting rape. A little boy that needs help. I found a local rehab where he can get outpatient and inpatient help. Is it too late for him? It devastes me to see him smoking pot and even more the thought that he will be in the streets if we kick him out. I don't have faith that a rehab will fix him. How can we change someone that refuses to change.