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Anna
Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
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My husband once again dismissed my birthday as nothing important.

Resolved Question:

My husband once again dismissed my birthday as nothing important. He usually handles my birthday this way He sometimes buys something later or does something later. The usual thing is: If I mention my birthday early I am accused of starting trouble or being self centered, If I wait, saying nothing about my approaching day' when he does nothing I say something then it is "well it is too late now what do you want me to turn back the clock. This the same thing if I wait till after the day. Every once in a while he will celebrate my birthday without any prompting but the majority of the time it is an upsetting time for me because most of the years it is pushed aside.

This year was my 50th birthday and I really wanted a party this year. I wanted a party simular to the tea I gave my sister for her wedding last year. Our one son is out of the country on vacation and that was the excuse for no celebration this year.
I am deeply depressed as a result of this and can't shake the sadness.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Anna replied 5 years ago.

I'm sorry that happened to you. What he's doing is passive agressive, and it hurts as much as a slap to the face. It's a slap to the heart.

You'll find some information and hope in the book I've linked, and the other 2 websites. You're not alone in this, and your pain is real. You're not being selfish or crazy. What he did was wrong and he knows it.

http://www.amazon.com/Living-Passive-Aggressive-Man-Scott-Wetzler/dp/0671870742
http://passiveaggressive.homestead.com/patraits.html
http://thewordslinger.org/your_tribe/?q=toboggan/login

Talk to people about this and you may feel better with some counseling. Trust me, they'll know what you're talking about.

Anna
Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
Anna and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I always thought he was passive aggressive in other things. But I thought this birthday behavior was transferance due to his demanding selfcentered mother. She always had large birthday parties and mothers day was her day (even when she had daughter in-laws with small children).

Reading word slinger I see the difference. He does call me demanding and frequently hard to deal with. He makes comments frequently about me being hard to deal with. On my birthday I asked him if he loved me and he said, " You are very hard to like, I don't know what you want me to say." Then that night he gives me a card that says "I love you" I told him that wasn't enough and you can'tsy one thing and then buy a card to make it better.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I have read up on Passive agressive behavior and he falls into many of the traits. Not just my birthday and mothers day, this year he stepped it up with "forgetting" Valentines Day. He also is the only one to get a new car-the last one he "gave me" the one car to drive and then got rid of the junky van for a newer nicer model. Of course he drives the newer nicer van.

The thing is I am extremely sad to the point of depression and I can't shake it this time. I am doing great at work as long as I stay focused on the job and the work there. Once alone or at home I am full of sadness and lonely. I have lost most of my friends over the years and I can't talk to the children about this.

I have invested most of my adult life to this relationship and now have two collage tuitions to pay with one more coming up. I can't afford a divorce because I will end up with nothing and have to pay for school and support myself and the younger child. He will do that to me.   I can't feel better this time-it feels like morning to me-something died this time and I can't make it better.

I often think maybe he will fix this but I know better and I know that he has already determined that I don't deserve anything for being 50. He has said as much.

I just don't want to be sad anymore.
Expert:  Anna replied 5 years ago.
I definitely hear the you're grieving the loss of the ideal you had of your marriage, and that is a painful one. I have a sign in my office that a client gave me ...it says..."I will never stop loving the false image I once had of you."

I think you'd benefit from supportive counseling right now, and if the grief lasts too long, go to the doctor and be evaluated for antidepressant medication.

Let me know if I can be of further help to you.

Anna

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