i haven't dealt with it in the past. I can remember my mom tellin people I was depressed but she never did anything about it. I also always heard that if you THINK your depressed then you probably aren't. I only started drinking about 3 weeks ago. My ex and I have joint custody so i see my girls every other week and I try not to let them see it. but when I do drink its usually to the point of where I'll just crash in bed otherwise my brain will race with all my worries and failures. As far as the cutting goes I only tried it a couple days now on my left forearm. Little bit painful but nothing serious, theres no crazy bleeding or nothing it hurts just enough for me to shift my concentration off the rest.
It looks as if you are suffering from depression and have not coped very well with this. Since you talk about your eating habits, I am assuming you eat as a form of self medication. This is not working any longer, so you have turned to drinknig and cutting. Has something happened recently to make the depression worse over the past few days? Do you work outside the home? Do you have any support from family or friends?
my husband and i married 8 years ago, well, 7 months into it he got a girlfriend, and a year later another girlfriend. When he said he was ready to start a family I thought that would fix everying. We had our first daughter, Amaya, and the 7 months later got a suprise when we found out we were gonna have Hannah. Well, when i was 7 months prego he got a girlfriend again which I tried to make it work after that but we both knew it was over. I'm not good at making close friends but i found one who gave me the strength i needed to leave and start a life of my own with my girls. She was my support. Then,and God only knows why, I started to see the State Patrol here in town. I knew he was married but I went in anyway thinkin i could keep it superficial, however, i can't and 5 months later I love him and of course of stuck in that stupid triangle that i know i need to pull out of but its so hard because of my feelings for him. Just last week my close friend told me she didn't trust me and wanted nothing else to do with me so I lost the support i so desperately needed. My ex has a new lady in his life and has ask me to stay away from him. He was my only other friend. As far as my family goes, my parents hate, and i mean hate, each other. There was one instant in which my mother told me she sat i listened to my dad choke in the night hoping he would die. She has me lie about myself when i go back to my hometown. she wants me to tell everyone me and my husband are still together, that i didn't drop out of school and even to try not to talk to people in general so noone will see my tongue ring. My dad is a controling dictative kind a being. He always loved everyone but me and my mother. He told me the reason they have problems is because she won't have sex with him and if she didn't start he was gonna go get it elsewhere. I have to lie for them on many occasions to cover up what they've done or said. So I guess I've been depressed for as long as I can remember but this the first time i've had noone to vent to or listen to me unbiasly. I just want to be a good mommy and i right now i can't
I think it's safe to say, you have a full plate. I think you are a good Mom as you are reaching out and making an attempt to get help.
Of course, I will not lecture you on the affair, but it does appear to be somewhat of a downfall due to the guilt you feel about the relationship.
It sounds like the expectations of your mother and your going along with it, also keep you from being who you are. I believe you have masked yourself to the point that you may not even know who you are anymore. But you also carry a lot of guilt, with the affair and tfrom pretending to be something other than who you are.
First, we want to stop the obsessive/addictive type behaviors (eating, drinkning, cutting) and develop some alternative behaviors to manage your feelings. These behaviors can harm you physically as well as mentally, and emotionally. Things to do instead, take a walk, listen to music, read. Some patients I have had in the past use a red marker to draw on their arm to create the same visual illusion as the cutting, when they are making an attempt to stop. This works really well.
Secondly, developing a better understanding of yourself, and learning to like and love yourself, good, bad and ugly (we all have it) is the process of gaining self esteem and self-acceptance. If this problem has persisted for most of your life, you could benefit from professional assistance with this. Self esteem develops throughout childhood and adulthood, and our first glimpse of ourselves as children comes through our parents. If your parents have not been positive mirrors for you, you will need to do a little extra work, but it can be done.
Thirdly, it would be beneficial if you looked at your pattern of relationships. Somehow you are choosing men who are not good to you. Your ex has had several affairs, and your current love has a wife. What keeps you from having a full, loving relationship? I think this has a lot to do with your lack of esteem, but also has to do with poor relational role models in your parents. Any and all of this can be changed with a little therapy.
Finally, motivation to change may also be difficult for you with the level of depression and the downward spiral you have put yourself on. But, it is vital that you follow through and schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist and a counselor. Get some medication to help elevate your mood a bit, so you can begin to work on these issues.
Also, finding a group of supportive helpers is in check here. Many cities have divorce recovery groups, and because you have used alcohol to cope, I think you could also go to Alcoholics Anonymous (the only requirement is a desire to stop drinking). These type of groups are free and you will be able to develop a network of friends who are going through the same things you are. The important goal here is to socialize and talk, talk, talk.
Most of us perpetuate the guilt or shame by keeping secrets. These secrets keep us sick and keep us cycling through the same feelings and experiences over and over again into a downward spiral. Thus creating more depression, isolation, and shame. Force yourself to do something, don't wait until you feel better. Doing something will help you feel better and socialization will help your self esteem as well.
I hope this has been helpful. Gina
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