Thanks for your help. I do appreciate it. There are so many layers to this onion. I think b/c our feelings we never discussed our feelings I am just now trying to sort through things as an adult.
I really don't know what my role would be or my mom's. After her older sister moved out, she did
pretty much fend for herself (b/c my grandma was really crazy).
This somewhat bothers me b/c I don't want to repeat this cycle. I don't want to be my mother and grandmother.
My mom and dad's relationship has been very chaotic. They married each other, divorced, married other people, divorced, then married each other again. Over the past 7 yrs, it has been really rocky. They separated, got back together, etc.
My brother's wedding was a distraction. Then, they moved into the shed. My dad had to remodel (and eventually add
on a room) which occupied his time. Then, the baby came. I think my parents are using the baby to resolve their marital problems. I remember my mom saying that the happiest time in her marriage was when we were babies. She said my dad was the nicest then that he had ever been. After that, he became introverted, bitter, and had little to do with us.
Whenever my parents do ask me about things,which is only rarely, they only ask in a negative manner. Like- Do you still have a job? Other times they restate some statistic in the newspaper that might foreshadow my own calamity.
When you said something about her personality, I thought about how she appears, or acts, differently around different people. Her friends see her in one light, my family in another, and then she treats me totally differently.But, when we're around other people everything is peachy. It's similar to my grandmother. She would say really horrible things about my aunt (the oldest daughter) to family members with her (my gma) being the victim. My aunt would receive phone calls asking her why she was mistreating my grandmother. In reality, it was the other way around.
Could this be a learned behavior? My mother is continuing this cycle?
I feel like I don't know who she truly is. B/c she treats me differently, and keeps things from me, our relationship isn't "real." So, I get the feeling that she is just acting to make everyone think everything is ok (b/c appearances are everything). So, we have a "fake" relationship when others are around or when I am doing something that she approves of.
I want an actual relationship (healthy) with my family, so I put myself in a position where I know that it will eventually hurt my feelings. I know my mom probably thinks I am too sensitive and simply jealous. This is far from the case. To me, it's just really sad
. I fel like I almost in an abusive relationship where I keep going back thinking things will be different or better.
I've struggled with this for the majority of my teenage/adult years. I think it's negatively impacting me. I've noticed that my own relationships have changed. I'm more reserved and cautious. I've become much more introverted. I think this has caused me to distrust others. Not to mention my self esteem has greatly suffered b/c I am a perfectionist. So, it's hard for me to not be able to "fix" the problem- b/c that's what I do.
Could this be affecting my relationship with others?
Ok, sorry for all of that. I'm just so overwhelmed, and it's nice to have someone to weigh in on all of this. Also, a tiny part of me actually believes her. That it's all in my head. It makes me think that I am the one with the problem. Do you think this? I know you can only see this through my lens, but do you think their behaviors are normal/healthy?
If I want a substantial relationship, should I try to seek this in other people? I have my husband, and that's about it. Like I mentioned earlier this has really impacted the way that I interact with others.
Or, will this be more detrimental b/c I'm not dealing with the root problem?
If I am asking too much, or including too much info, just tell me.