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Nancy, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 746
Experience:  ABD for a PhD in Psychology, Psychotherapist for over 20 years
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Greetings, I have been searching for weeks to try and help

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I have been searching for weeks to try and help myself understand what is going wrong with my fiance. This post will probably be long, but when I just bust out basics it sounds so damning, I have to present a little more. This whole weakness on my part might be why I am even here.

When we met, he was still in the military and he told me that he had done a week stint in the stress ward after his first marriage fell apart, but that he was fine. And for several months he seemed to be. After he found out that he would be leaving the Military because of the fall out from that treatment (lost clearances) a little over a year and a half ago, he began smoking marijuana heavily, even though he was still in the service and has continued to to this day. He has a strange reaction to smoking. He gets very active, and doesn't like to sit around. He also wants to go someplace, do something... I wish he were that active when he isn't smoking because he doesn't really want to do anything unless he is high.

He used to get crabby when he didn't have any weed, but could make it a couple of days.   His mood swings became troubling, deeper more severe and more often. He is only happy if he is stoned and hanging out with his friends. Very rarely is he happy at home anymore. He swears the weed calms him mentally and allows him to work and focus.

He cannot or will not get a job-
He has highly sought after skills, but refuses to work. He used every last week of unemployment benefits, worked for six weeks, flew into one of his increasingly harsh rages at home and called in, then went to a bar with his friends and got fired and hasn't worked in four months nor looked for a job because- He says if my 19 year old son that lives with me isn't working, why should he?
I began to wonder if he was depressed and got him to start counseling. Then he started making friends that were "depressed like him that he could talk to" and we were suffering though the evaluation process leading up to medication perhaps to take the place of self medicating with weed. I thought that was a good thing, but see below.

He lies-
He has spent several weeks pretending he wasn't smokng, but would have to go someplace to "get away from the house because he feels isolated" and then come back all red eyed and scattered several hours to even sometimes a day later. There was always some reason he couldn't come home at first, then he began to throw these cyclic fits (right on or day after my payday) And have to "go for the weekend". there was money missing all the time and then things like power tools would dissapear and he would blame someone that must have looked in the shed... etc. I have never had the heart to search every pawn shop in town.
I recently had to buy his 400.00 surround sound system back from the D man for 60.00 because he owed him money. It is mine now, by the way, not his. I wouldn't give it back. He has pawned his computer twice always saying it's for a bus ticket- but the first stop he makes is to the D man. He loves to buy big and give it away. I paid the pawn ticket the first time, and he sold it again a week later. I am not buying it back this time. I had stopped giving him any money after I caught him at the ATM inside th gas station. He went into to get smokes with my ATM card and watched him try to pocket 20 bucks. Then he flew into a rage when he got caught and literally stayed at his D man's house. No joke.

He has become more verbally abusive and down right nasty and personal which is hard enough. Then he'll threaten to leave me, call me names and always show back up two days later swearing he is going to quit smoking, and get his counseling on track. Has not happened yet)
he told me off and on sometimes
Here's the thing- Every friend he has either sells or buys or weed or pills. Not one doesn't. All of his legitimately depressed friends have given him xanax, vicodin, etc. I found out because one told me she did after one of his bizarre rages.
Three nights ago after a particularly nasty excalation that involved the police. I told him that it was time for him to to gome and see his family out of state for a while. The next thing I know he's dramatically tossing back a bottle of 600Mg Ibuprofen and two bottles of antibiotics with a giant glass of rum and claimed he was chasing it with bleach and water. I had to have his involutarily evaluated and we all thought it would be the best thing for him and it was his cry for help.
While in the hospital his entire demeanor changed. He was "weak" and submissive and figity. But it was all about him. He told the Psyciatrist he was extremely anxious but down played his rages. They prescribed him .5 Mg of Xanax and let him go that evening because he told them he was going to long term evaluation at the clinic that he had actaually closed his file with a month before.
During the drive home he kept telling me that those pills had very little value- only a dollar and he wouldn't sell them, don't worry. And it all clicked together for me. There is a person that he spends way too much time with that is legally prescribed xanax. He rarely has money but my change is always missing. I am not kidding, straight out of my pockets in the morning missing) The first thing he did when he got home was go to her house and show her the script then "borrow" one from her since they were the same. Then he laid on the couch all night and the next day, talking about how no one cared about him, he had almost died... etc.
The Psychiatrist told him DO NOT smoke week and take these together before he was discharged.
He refused to take the xanax I picked up at the pharmacy for him at (8:00 AM) all day, then took a friend to buy weed in the afternoon and had to make an "unexpected" trip to the neighbor's house. He didn't take his prescription bottle with him, and out of some attempt to believe he wants help I didn't count them. He was gone for several hours, called all slurry once or twice and always said, they are smoking, I'm not. He came home late and flew straight into a rage even after stating he had taken his med finally and a replacement pill or two over for the neighbor. (OMG)

He rages very, very easily, has never acted like he did when the nurses were listening to him on the phone or there was someone there while he was in the hospital and we all wonder if this was a ploy (God help me I feel so guilty but writing this down has made me see some ugly things) to get cheap pills, not help. What is the potential for an interaction like this with continued Xanax abuse and mixing it with weed?
Should someone that was supposedly told after an hours worth of questions that they are probably bi-polar (his words, not the Docs. I never got to talk to her) be given a month's worth of Xanax without an anti depressant and actual follow up confirmed? And for God's sake why is he so obsexxively raging just like Snap! Wham Scream! ?
Alanon heled me understand my reaction to him, and that might be why I sound callous. He wouldn't get help and I couldn't find it in my heart to toss him out because I know what he was once like. So I started going. that's when I stopped the money. Stopped reacting to him when he started picking on me ( as best I could) and he started on my older son the other day.

It seems to come down to knowing that losing all of us will not be his bottom, but what in the world is wrong with him? And how am I supposed to be happy they let him out, and gave him pills like that? I hoped he would have to be contained long enough for real withdrawl to start so they would see it, and he would have to recognize it. His actual blood work won't be back for a week so I though they would hold him that long for evaluation at least.
I am so sad and frustrated. Help.
And thanks for sticking to the end if you are reading this line.



I am really glad you wrote.


What's going on here is that you fiance is a drug addict andis fully engaging in addict behavior. The rages are (1) to stop you from interfering in his drug use and let him do whatever he wants and (2) brain damage from pot.


He is not going to change anything until he loses it all; his home, his family, his job, his dignity, his self-respect - absolutely everything.

It sounds trite, but it's actually a very real issue that addicts struggle with - and it's called denial. Denial is when someone truely has no sense or understanding of what is REALLY happening. As far as your fiance; he has no idea how bad it all is - he thinks his realy problem is everyone else.


For you to gain a real sense of what Denial is, read the "Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book"; it tells stories of how people experience denial- written by real addicts. The drug, whether it's pot or alcohol or gambling makes no difference - addiction is addiction is addiction.


There is NOTHING you can do to impact this process. We used to think that with adults, we could take things away, give them other things, maneuver their addiction and behavior for them, but what we know now, is the addict needs for it to all fall apart and any attemtps we make to help that along, really don't help. People around the addict just need to walk away to save themselves.


This is a sad and heartbreaking disease.

What you need to do is understand and conceptualize that his disease is nothing you can impact and you need to view it as kidney failure, or brain damage, or diabetes, or any other disease that you cannot control; you have to understand that this is his problem and only he can fix it. If he had kidney failure (just as an example) you could purchase back his stereo to impact the disease - it's the same here - nothing YOU do will help him. BUT he can help himself.


For him that help will come with AA. Not NA, they are not as strong - AA has the best recovery anyone can find. But, he's not even going to look for help until his life hits rock bottom - it just doesn't happen any other way. Again, it's terribly sad, but that is the way it happens for addicts.


Good luck,



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