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Dr. Kaushik
Dr. Kaushik, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4053
Experience:  MD Psychiatry
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I got some very very good advice from 20+ years as a Therapist

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I got some very very good advice from "20+ years as a Therapist" yesterday and it was so good that I would like to ask someone else the same thing. Anyone have time?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 5 years ago.
<p>Hi there,</p><p> </p><p>Welcome to Just Answer !</p><p> </p><p>Well , can you please clarify if you want the same expert that answered yesterday to field your question again , then her the expert is Doctor Nancy , so you can post your question addressing her , but if you want any other expert to answer this one , then i would like to try answering you.</p><p> </p><p>Regards..</p><p> </p><p> </p>
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Please do Dr. Kaushik . Nancy already answered yesterday. Give her a raise!

This is going to be long. I am reaching out but I can't accept any advice from anyone unless I think they have an understanding of why I am the way I am.

I recently realized how my childhood is affecting my life today. It was a realization that was full of anger, relief, grief and you go ahead name it. I had a really unhealthy "bad" childhood. My mother was a raging alcoholic. My memory is really sketchy up until about 5 years of age when she slit her wrists in front of me and I watched her almost die. She beat me and my brother on occasions and made it clear that I was not a good human being or person simply because I am a male. She told me she didn't believe in god while others told me to believe in god. My dad? Never met him and i think my mom gave up to easy trying to find him. I was in 3 foster homes and had moved at least 12 times before I even made it to the 7th grade. During middle and high school I moved another half dozen or so times and eventually dropped out. I was a loner most of the time finding a hard time making friends because I couldn't relate to them.

Though I was never physically touched sexually, I think there was some abuse. I do not think that a 5 year old should know what a blow job is, I saw my first "Kama sutra" book at 7, 8 or 9 and showed it to other kids. I do not think a mother should talk about the details of her sex life to an 8 year old who should be playing baseball and having an 8 year old life!

I had thoughts of suicide and I planned it out a few times by the time I was 17 or so. I actually attempted cutting my wrist when I was 18 and had to stay the night in the hospital. A girl set me off on that. When I was 25 it happend again! I planned on taking a bunch of pills but ended up drinking a half gallon of hard A in about an hour and believe me; I would have been knocking on heavens door if I was found about 10 minutes later. I can't say I was trying to kill myself, but I certainly did not care if I did die. Again this was from a rejection from a girl. The same girl I'm with now but I will tell you about that later.

I know that (after my "epiphany" or "realization") I will never do something like this again because I think that I did this in the first place because it was the feeling of abandonment that I felt as a child. Not because I am worthless or whatever I was thinking.

Looking at myself today, I think I stopped listening to my heart and making decision from an emotional perspective because there was no room for that when I was growing up. Its hard for me to make decisions. I have to interact with the world in a very very logical way. I had to make hard logical decisions that helped me survive that childhood. and I still think the same way today.

I'm like this walking brain constantly analyzing and never making a decision without thinking and thinking and thinking about it. I can't play my guitar with any originality. I can't dance. I can't keep friends. In fact I have made a good target for ridicule. I am always just a little "off" because I have to think while others just feel and live their lives with out any worries or fears. I have to admit I have stoped caring about a lot of things.

All in all it has been a pretty unfortunate ride (not that I don't have some good memories and I am very grateful for them and those people).

I want to make it clear that I didn't make it 27 years through all of this grief, heartache and depression to be a "victim" especially after this realization of myself. I now understand myself better than I have for a very very long time (if ever) and I feel confident enough to make most decisions. I still need help and my brain can only handle so much (about 7 things at a time i think I read in a book).

My career.

What the hell do I want to do? Don't get me wrong I have a great job with room to grow but, Its not full filling for some reason. Even though I have got to see the world and have been paid for it. I know I do not want to do what I am doing now (But will I really want to do anything)? I really do believe that there is a career path out there for everyone and I want to find mine. I dont think there is a limit to what I can do but I have to find what it is I want to do. I just hope that I dont feel this need to move to another career because of some "messed up" child hood experience that I'm not noticing. If that is the case why should I even bother looking for another career? I just won't be "full-filling" in a couple of years.

I have a 2 year degree and i want to go back and get a bachelors but I can't chose a major.

My social life.

I have a hunch that this is going to get better just after my realization. I don't assume people are against me so much. I think I have been coming off as an asshole at times. My fault. Sometimes someone may say something that I take as an attack but may not be. I just have to slow down a little bit. But I can't help but question their remarks and then they get defensive. what is this?!

God.

How can any logical person like me chew on this? Someone is up there who has the answer to everything? knows everything? OK then how do I "surrender." What if I am not able "surrender." is he really the kind of god that is going to damn me to hell to burn for eternity. I know that my way so far hasn't worked out and I am reaching out for help now. but how can I "surrender." Unless anyone can make some sort of since to me I think I would be better off trying to move a pop-can with my head.

My Girlfriend.

The one that has the most influence on me is definately my girlfriend. I have been with my girlfriend for 7 years. We have lived with each other for a little over 3 of that. When I first met her all my fears, anxiety, troubles just went away and I fell so deeply in love with her. Unfortunately I became jealous at times, I didn't want her to go out without me, I always thought it was going to end at any moment and everything else that happens when you are insecure. As much as I hate to admit it, she sometimes took advantage of that just because she could.

We were young (She was 17 and I was 20 when we met) and we ended up cheating on each other. Me first and then her immediately after she found out to get revenge (I'm mean with in 2 hours!). It has caused so much heartache and it is what drove me to drink that bottle when I was 25 (I know that was my own fault). Never have I ever felt so much despair as I did that day. After that happend we got back together for about 6 months before she cheated on me again and broke up with me. We didn't talk or see each other for 2 weeks (the longest we have been apart in the whole 6 years) before she contacted me and wanted me back.

It is hard to describe what happened to me during that 2 weeks. I drank a lot and I was promiscuous; basically anything I could do to get her out of my head without ending up in the hospital again. A couple of my friends say I just changed a bit. I called out of work a few times. I didn't let her back in my life fully but never let her go completely. I lived with my friends for a year after that and we continued to take it "slow." We didn't see each other but once or twice a week. I had a one night stand during that time we didn't live together and I had no emotional connection with the girl (she was the same and made it clear so I wasn't being an asshole).

I could tell toward the end of that year that she felt horrible and wanted to do whatever she could to make it right. I was hesitant but, we just moved back in 5 months ago and I think I did it out of fear of her leaving me again. I was content with how things were at that time and she really wanted to keep going. She was a total $%##* for a while there and I think that now she realizes it.

Me on the other hand I don't know. I'm just stuck now. All her friends are asking her why we arn't married. All my friends are asking me when we are going to get married. And all I can say is I don't know. I know that she is ready but i don't know if I can. I feel like I need to go down and buy a ring right now or we need back off again. After everything we have been through I feel like we HAVE TO DECIDE RIGHT NOW!

Ever since since she contacted me after that split up (year and a half ago) she has not given me one reason to believe that if I married her she wouldn't be anything but faithful and loving and everything a wife should be. So why the hell don't I propose? Here is a girl that is wanted by so many guys and she wants to marry me and all I can think about is meeting other women. I'm damned if I stay and I'm damned if I leave. I don't know which one hurts more. I don't even know if I took the risk and ended up heartbroken and then I did meet another woman that I wouldn't just be tired of her in a couple of years.

I guess my biggest fear is taking the risk and falling into deprssion filled with heartach and despair again (been there quite a bit). I don't even have any good friends or family to turn to for support. I mean I have both friends and family but no one that I can turn to for somthing like this. Not to mention that I am ashamed that I'm 27 years old and can't make this decision.

Someone is probably going to say that these are all things that I need to decide and I know that. But it doesn't hurt to get advice so that just maybe I can make a confident decision.
Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 5 years ago.
<p>i am really sorry , do you mean to say shall i try answering this .</p><p> </p><p>Regards..</p>
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
no my fault lol. Yes I want you, Dr. Kaushik to answer. Sorry if wasnt clear enough.
Expert:  Dr. Kaushik replied 5 years ago.
Well , thanks for clarifying !

I have read your previous post and the reply Doctor Nancy had given you , which was quite good i must admit.

Well, no one can deny the fact that you had a miserable childhood , if i may say so , please do not take offensive , but many issues which you are harboring presently are owing to your disruptive childhood , but i must commend you ,as you must have really worked hard to achieve the position and social standing that you have as of now.

Yes it seems that you have trusting issues , that probably has stemmed from an insecure childhood , well i am sorry about the hardships you have to face as a child , but all these had taken a toll on your personality , and from the stand of a psychiatry expert the way i see it , you probably have developed Paranoid personality , in which person struggles with trusting and commitment issues , the person is cynical towards others as well towards self and has increased degree of exepectations and gets into the mode of extreme jealousy .

This was an assessment of your present condition , and this can be dealt with , by having a good counseling (psychotherapy) session with a clinical psychologist , and the best and short duration psychotherapy for this personality disorder is Cognitive behavioural therapy ( CBT). Now, do not get defensive , as i know , you may feel apprehensive in seeing a psychologist in the first place as you think of getting labelled , but believe me there is nothing to worry about , and if you want you can keep the sessions discrete , and why not , plus it is a short course therapy which would last a few sessions , but i can assure you after the therapy is over , you will have most of your issues like indeciseveness , trusting and commitment issues sorted , and would be able to take the right decision

And , one thing i would like to share here , you are almost my age , so that makes us peers in one way , so on a friendly note , i would say that whatever decision in life you take , do not take just for the heck of it , yes agreed you have undergone a lot many heartaches , but the bottomline is that you have endured them all and still you are doing fine , so why to worry , have self belief and confidence , as you are self made man , and there is nothing like it . So you shall take the decision only when you are fully convinced and confident about it , as going ahead with something due to shear peer and family pressure would not solve the purpose , as if something goes wrong then all these people would not be there to take the blame , by any means i am not indicating that you wait further in proposing your girlfriend , i am sure she must be a wonderful girl , and since she had been with you in your hard times , she may be a good prospective life partner , but with all honesty i would ask you to take a decision which is Unconditional and free of any kind of pressure.

I wish you all the best in life . Please feel free to contact for any further assistance , i will be more than happy to help.

Please press the ACCEPT button if you are satisfied with the answer as only then will i be credited for my service.

TAKE CARE...

Regards....
Dr. Kaushik, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4053
Experience: MD Psychiatry
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