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Nancy, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 746
Experience:  ABD for a PhD in Psychology, Psychotherapist for over 20 years
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I moved to NYC to come out as I thought I was gay. Once out,

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I moved to NYC to 'come out' as I thought I was gay. Once out, I realized I was straight and now have no attraction to women. As I gained this awareness I became stressed and anxious. I hit rock bottom. I've since started building myself up again. I exercise a lot, eat very healthy and meditate daily. I feel like I have been through 'the wars'. I am looking back at the last 12 months and feel like I climbed emotional mountains. Now I am eager to meet someone/a nice guy as I feel lonely yet strangely very emotionally available (for the first time in my life). This is such a bizarre question, but do you have a way to describe what has happened to me? Is this a late quarter life crisis (I'm 33)? What is it called when one's illusions about life are shattered, yet strangely the person finds a bizarre kind of peace? I know... it's not an easy question to answer! Thank you.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Nancy replied 8 years ago.



I'd like some more information first, what made you think you were gay to begin with? How long did that last? WHy do you now think you are not gay?



Customer: replied 8 years ago.
As a teenager I liked boys but never had a boyfriend. My mother was very strict about not having sex before marriage. She once confronted me at 21 about my values and I just became more and more petrified of men and sex.

I thought I was gay around 23 because I always admired (too lovingly) my female bosses and I had zero intimacy with men. While I did have some dates with men right up until I was 30, I was always uninterested.

Then I decided for sure I was gay and came out and lived an out life for 1.5 years. But then I found I wasn't interested in women any longer... that occurred around the same time I spent vacation with my parents and for the first time in my life appreciated and enjoyed my father. Saw him as a human being not a mean controlling figure. I enjoyed his energy on our trip and ever since then I've felt pulled to men.

I've had very little sex. Never slept with a woman. Slept with a man though. But it was purely for experimentation purposes. I hardly knew him.

I feel quite unsure what to do next. I have had lots of therapy. I feel better than ever but unsure how to progress my life. I feel like my 20 year depression has gone. I feel regretful but also realize that's futile. Sorry - you probably have such a patchy sense of me. I'm trying!

Expert:  Nancy replied 8 years ago.

Hi again, I am glad you wrote back.


You are right -- your first question is difficult: what's it called? I honestly don't want to sound glib, but I think it's just your process... it's you growing up. There is no clinical term. Would it be a life crisis? Those are typically defined by coming to a point in your life when you really wonder *is this it*? Is this all there is to life? Isn't there more? Women, these days experience that about 33-34 years of age.


But your story doesn't seem that way at all; it's filled with hope and wonder of what can be. You also sound positive about your past experiences -- and sure of what you want.


What do you do now? Find someone you like; meet people -- allow people to set you up on blind dates-- go out with anyone and everyone who will go out with you and don't prejudge anything. You never know where you are going to find love -- just let that happen.


Sites like e-harmony also have good success rates. They match you based upon commonalities. Having more in common makes it work better -- opposites may attract, but they have conflict when trying to live together.


Be open to whatever is in front of you, and do all the cliche things -- take a class in a topic you love to meet other people with common interests; network with friends who have single friends... talk to good looking men with no ring on their finger... be friendly, nonjudgemental and show interest in people while on dates.


And finally, let me know your thoughts....


Nancy :-)

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