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Nancy
Nancy, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 746
Experience:  ABD for a PhD in Psychology, Psychotherapist for over 20 years
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I have to weigh baby on monday. Im trying to find the courage

Customer Question

I have to weigh baby on monday. Im trying to find the courage to see the doctor to check him over. I cant stop thinking about all the horrible things that are going to happen if I say something. How we are going to cope or if my husband kicks me out and wont let me see our kids, what people will think of me. I didnt know i was pregnant but the outcome is still the same. What happens if my husband doesnt believe me that i stopped drinking. How am i going to face people at work, and my girls how can i ever look them in the eyes and tell them i broke their dear little brother. Nancy Im so scared.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

Hi surreal13,

 

I know you are scared.

 

I am here for you. I'll be with you every step of the way.

 

There are a few things though, I wonder if you realize. Nobody loses custody of their other children, or their child, even if the baby does have FAS. All these horrible things that you are imagining: we call that "catastrophizing"; making things CATASTROPHIC. Granted, this will be difficult, but I really don't think that it will be as bad as you think.

 

If you didn't know you were pregnant, then your husband didn't know either -- you certainly wouldn't have done this on purpose, and he will realize that.

 

Your daughter know you as a loving Mom; you seem hard on youself, but I doubt you teach your girls to be judgemental -- so they won't judge you. Especially if you are a good Mom to your son. What is his name?

 

I don't think your husband will kick you out either... be armed with information so that all of you can seek support together.

If you feel you can't say it out loud, write it down, ask to speak with the doctor, and hand him the note. He has to know -- it's the only way you can know for sure. And if that is the case -- is your son any less of a lovable baby? Of course not. He needs you. And you need him -- and your husband and the girls.... so stop beating yourself up.

 

Your guilt is becoming all consuming. You will find relief when it's all out in the open and you are all working toward the same goal -- taking care of that little boy. He can have a perfectly normal IQ.

 

The faster you have a diagnosis, the better off all of you will be.

 

Earlier, I asked you if you could have post-partum depression. Is that possible?

 

Nancy

Nancy, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 746
Experience: ABD for a PhD in Psychology, Psychotherapist for over 20 years
Nancy and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thankyou Nancy

My husband is not a reasonable man at the best of times he has already banned my eldest daughter from the house and one of my sisters and he wont let them see the kids. (Long story goes with this one)

Little boys name is Connor

Yes Ive been depressed for months knowing that i have done this

They say a large percentage of babies with a FAS face are very low iq. I love him anyway he comes

God this is so hard you just dont see this kind of thing here. There is a FAS email address here that i wrote to with no reply i dont know what support is out there. All i can see is the horrors of a lost little boy and all the things that go with this disorder and they are horrible.Im going to try really hard to say something.

Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

Have you considered getting treatment for the depression? And, all the information that you read about -- when they show pictures-- they show the most distinct faces so people have an idea of what they are talking about.

 

Where are you? Do you want me to send you some links to support in your area? And, if the doctors do diagnose this, they will be able to refer you to specialists who will also have information. All of this may be jumping the gun...

 

You **have to** say something... it's for Connor's sake (I love his name :-)).

 

No matter what he starts with, you can always help him to do the best he can. So, let's just wait and see....

 

Monday is the day. What's the plan to tell the doctor?

 

Nancy

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Im in New Zealand and there is only one support place here and all they have is an email address and phone number. I tell the doctor that i think there is something wrong with my son and ask her to look at his mouth because it doesnt look right. I have to not be scared and to stop thinking about all the horrible things over the weekend so I do this for my son

Its not jumping the gun a mummy knows

Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

Is this it?

 

Fetal Alcohol New Zealand Trust exists to provide information and education on the subject of fetal alcohol syndrome, fetal alcohol effects and alcohol-related neurodevelopmental disorder. FANZ provides presentations and seminars on request and information packs.

CONTACT

Shona Davison
Chairperson
FANZ
PO Box 13385
Onehunga
Auckland

or street address:
92a cnr Princes & Springs Streets
Onehunga
Auckland

ph 09(NNN) NNN-NNNN 09(NNN) NNN-NNNNbr />fax 09(NNN) NNN-NNNNbr />email fetalalcoholnz@xtra.co.nz

 

I like the plan... you've done well. Don't change your mind... don't rethink it.

 

Nancy

 

 

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
No I had a different one. Thankyou its in Auckland where I live.I will try hard not to will just try not to think at all. Its been good to have someone to talk to thankyou Nancy
Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

If you begin to have doubts again or need support -- email me. If I don't hear from you before Monday -- PLEASE let me know how it goes at the Dr's. Okay?

 

Nancy

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I cant email on the weekends as all the family are home. I will try to be strong and I will let you know how things go-thankyou for your support
Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.
You are welcome Smile
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Nancy is there another email address the one you sent ended up with a postfailure notice i just emailed them asking for some help
Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

That's the only one I found... I looked again, and found nothing. If I do come across anything, I'll pass it on when I hear back from you :-)

 

Nancy

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Im struggling worse now thinking about monday i can barely find the strength to hold the baby. I want to tell husband now but i cant he will go nuts but i cant hold this much longer

Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

So, are you thinking that your husband would do better if he had a little warning?

 

Nancy

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
No in alot of ways it would be worse but he would be even more angry if he knew i thought something was wrong and didnt tell him
Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

Okay -- so start slowly. Plant the seed. Tell him that you noticed the baby's upper lip today -- and you wonder if that looks like a FAS symptom. Ask him to do some research on the web -- and ask him what he thinks.

 

Nancy

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
He will already see that i have looked as when you google it if you have been into a website it turns from blue to pink
Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

Okay -- tell him you notived this a few days ago and you can tell him you've been looking since -- but just remembered tonight.

 

Or, erase the computer's history

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I have erased the history but it still turns pink also most of the sites reckon to have a fas baby you have to heavy drink throughout pregnancy

what if he doesnt believe me

Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

The fact is that you have had to have consumed alcohol at some point during your pregnancy -- how much and when is not written in stone. That's not a disputable issue on his part.

 

But when you found out you were pregnant, didn't he know you had been drinking prior to finding out?

 

Nancy

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Yes

i was drinking 4-5 a night

Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.
Right... so he's got to realize that this was a possibility.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
He asked me how much i was drinking a week after i found out. i was having one a night that week after i did the test i think i was still in shock, so i told him one a night i dont think he realizes how much i was drinking before the test
Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

You need to let him know that *how much* and *how often* is no longer the issue; if he has FAS, then he has it and going back and rehashing the drinking is pointless -- you both simply need to focus on what needs to be done for the baby.

 

Right? It's a moot point...

 

Nancy

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

right but it will always be a war over that as is with everything in this marriage

i guess i just have to deal with it im just really scared of him sometimes

we never really resolve anything and we have had some major problems-went to counselling she said it was about control with him

thats why we have had a major family split with my eldest daughter and my sisters

i stayed for the children now look what ive done

Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

Is this a relationship that perhaps you no longer want?

 

Nancy

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

it doesnt matter what i want anymore

im just scared

i have to go rest thanks for listening

Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.
I know you are scared -- I really do get that, but it also DOES matter what you want.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
its monday i cant do it
Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

You have to do it. It's for the baby's sake. Don't deny Connor the right to medical treatment -- that can get you into trouble. Do the right thing FOR HIM; that's what we Moms do -- we do what's right for them, no matter the consequence to us.

 

Nancy

Nancy, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 746
Experience: ABD for a PhD in Psychology, Psychotherapist for over 20 years
Nancy and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i weighed him there was no doctor there i dont know what to do
Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

I'd suggest youc all and make an appointment with the doctor. Connor needs an evaluation... the sooner, the better.

 

Nancy

Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

Good for you!!! I am keeping you in my thoughts... please keep me updated and let me know when I can help.

 

Warm wishes,

 

Nancy

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
They say knowledge is empowering but the more i read the worse things get how are we ever going to cope adhd harming others its all so horrible
Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

Remember, we talked about this: websites provide ALL the information they can -- (stop reading those anyway!) YOUR baby is not going to have all those things wrong with him... the websites provide all that CAN happen -- no one person, especially not Connor is going to have ALL those things.

 

You don't even have a disgnosis yet.... first things first -- when is the appointment?

 

Nancy

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Not till the end of the week. I havent found even one thing positive for this little boy it all just feels so hopeless. We as parents get irate if one of the girls has a tantrum how do we cope with a fas child. There are so many common things all the kids have and they are so awful.
Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

Perhaps, but you do not know the extent of this. *Everything* has degrees; and it's not like you can't work with him to make his life the best possible -- just because he has this does not make him damaged-- push yourself to push him to be the best he can be.

 

Just concentrate on getting the right diagnosis, then on treatment. You never know what treatments are out there for him in a few short years... you can't predict anything at this point.

 

One step at a time...

 

Nancy

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

im trying to think baby steps its really hard i hope they pay you more than they charge me on here

i cant even enjoy him or the other children at all

trying not to think of all the things and reactions that are coming

Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

Don't worry about payment... we've talked about the possibility of you having post-partum depression. You won't enjoy him or the girls if you have depression. Will you consider going to a Psychiatrist and getting treatment for YOU? I think you'd really benefit from an antidepressant.

 

Would you consider that? Do you want some information on depression?

 

Nancy

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I think we are all going to need some counselling-i dont even know if we will make it through all of this. I think the depression is more from knowing that i have done this to him more than anything else.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

me again i just read that the only support group here doesnt exist anymore because funding was pulled it all just gets worse

just needed to get that out no need to reply

Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

I think you are right about counseling... a marriage always needs support when you have a child with any challenges.

 

Don't brush off getting, at the very least, an evaluation for depression; it sounds as if you have post-partum depression, but regardless of how you got it-- IT HAS TO BE TREATED. Without treatment, depression just gets worse and worse. The longer you let it go, the harder it is to treat.

 

See a psychiatrist for treatment of depression-- if nothing else, it will help you tremedously when dealing with the diagnosis and your husband...

 

I also see your note about the support group. You can always contact international societies with help in starting one yourself... in fact, support groups rarely need anything more than members. Churches will give you meeting space free- and then people meet and give oneanother support... no cost. No expenses. If and when it comes to that, I can help you set it up. I've done that with other groups... so no worries about that.

 

Nancy

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
how do i stop thinking about all the horrible things that are going to happen i keep getting cold feet when i think and its continious day and night
Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

You can allow yoruself 15 minutes everyday -- and no more. Allot a time period you can think about it. After that time (or before) you have to stop yourself from thinking about it.

 

You are the only one that can control your thoughts.

 

Insist on not thinking about this except for that alloted time period -- it is doing more harm than good and you are neglecting all of the children because of this obessive thinking.

 

Okay?

 

Nancy

 

 

 

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
okay im going to try this today thankyou
Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

GOOD! Keep me updated on your progress :-)

 

Nancy

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I lasted 3 minutes trying to think of positives i cant find any
Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

Nobody said anything about thinking positive thoughts... what I am telling you to do, is ONLY think about the bad things for 15 each day. NO MORE.

 

Give yourself a time, say from, 10:00 - 10:15 to think of all the bad things you want to think about... that's it, no more than that.

 

And... today, I want you to call a psychiatrist for an evaluation for post-partum depression. Okay?

 

Nancy

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
how do t force myself to think of other things
Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

It's not a matter of forcing yourself to think of other things, as much as it is, stopping youself everytime you go to think about _____________ (whatever, specifically, you don't want to think about).

 

I always suggest to people to think of a big STOP sign. Whenever you begin to think about "X", you simply imagine a HUGE stop sign -- and just stop thinking about it, and move on to something else.

 

Can you imagine that?

 

Nancy

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yes i will try that months of no sleep getting to me at least baby sleeps through the night
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Normally im the sort of person that would think "things could always be worse" im trying to think like that but its hard to find something more worse than ive damaged my son
Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

Will you also go see your doctor about getting on an antidepressant?

 

Nancy

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I didnt take the baby to the doctor i dont know how to do it

sometimes i dont want to go on living

what have i done Nancy how do i do it i have nothing left inside

Expert:  Nancy replied 5 years ago.

I answered your other post... you have depression -- which is what's making it so hard for you deal with any of this. Read my other post... and then let's get you in to see someone for an antidepressant, okay?

 

Nancy

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