How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Lively Your Own Question

Lively
Lively, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 260
Experience:  Doctorate in Clinical Psychology, 10 years experience working with individuals, couples, & families
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Lively is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I feel I have to lay some groundwork before I can ask my primary

Customer Question

I feel I have to lay some groundwork before I can ask my primary question.I hope I don't run out of space.My husband of almost 37 years had approx.a year long affair. It ended in May 2008. He told me he did not regret having the affair and that it was my fault it ever happened. The whole experience was like walking through Hell on earth. It nearly destroyed me. He did at least tell me he was sorry I got hurt. I already was suffering from chronic depression and anxiety,chronic fatigue syndrome,bipolar disorder II, and other medical conditions.He wound up staying with me,and finally agreed to get counselling. It helped in some ways, but he has not abided by his agreement to cut off ALL contact with OW,including by phone. I am aware of a number of calls to her and one secret meeting which she told me about. Last call I'm aware of was on 12/16/08.He tells me he loves me,but is not "in love" with me. Well, he also loves our dog.Am I just like a comfortable old pair of slippers? I'm so weary of the anxiety of wondering how much he cares for me. Sometimes I try to share with him my concerns and need for reassurance. But I don't get much of that. Now, here is the real question I need help with. In recent months he has become absorbed in online pornography and I mean the hard core stuff. He has even posted profiles on various sites. He acts as though he thinks it is all innocent. I am also afraid he may be communicating with women through various channels. He's been going to MY Space a lot, and tells me he doesn't even have a My Space acct. I need to know how concerned I should be about this and how to handle it. I love my husband, but I'm getting tired of secrets and lies. By the way, I'm practically forbidden from discussing issues concerning the affair. How do I go about finding your answers to these questions? Do I come back to this site, or do I get email. Long time since I used the site. Thank you!
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Lively replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

This sounds like a very painful relationship for you. It seems like things really need to change in order for you to stay in this relationship happily... I'm wondering if you think that both you and your husband would be willing to do the work necessary to make these changes? If so, I would strongly advise that you seek professional help as a couple. Marriage counseling would be a good place to get all of these thoughts and feelings out with a mediator who could help both of you feel heard and respected. The therapist would also be able to work with both of you on re-establishing loving and trusting feelings. This course of action requires a lot of effort and devotion however, and so if you're not sure that it's something that BOTH of you could commit to, it will likely not work.

 

Another option is for you to seek individual therapy to help you become clearer about the pros and cons of staying with your husband. For example, you say that you love him and I'd want to know more about what you love, how often you get to experience those loving feelings, etc. I'd also like to hear more about the part of you that feels "tired of secrets and lies" and what it has been like for you to feel betrayed and alone. Seeking therapy around your own feelings could help you get clearer around what you need to do in order to feel happy in yourself- with or without your husband.

 

There is no easy answer. Clearly there is part of you that is committed to your husband and to your marriage or you wouldn't have stayed with him through all of these difficult times. And yet there is also a part of you that's worried things won't get better and that you will continue to feel unloved and distrustful. The only way through this is to focus on your own needs and to be very clear with your husband about what your needs are, what you are willing to do to get your needs met, and what you would need from him in order to feel continued love and commitment to the marriage.

Lively, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 260
Experience: Doctorate in Clinical Psychology, 10 years experience working with individuals, couples, & families
Lively and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I already clicked on accept answer, but my payment info needs updatiing and I don't know where to go to do that. Also my husband is at home now and I don't want him to see what I'm doing. He has told me he does not intend to go for anymore counselling. Can you address my concern about the pornography issue? I may just have to wait awhile and see how things play out.
Expert:  Lively replied 5 years ago.

Many people feel that using pornography regularly, as it sounds like your husband does, constitutes an addiction. Some people also feel that, emotionally, it is the equivalent to having an affair. Clearly you are upset by your husband's pornography use and it sounds like it just furthers the trust issues that already exist in your marriage since his affair.

 

I think that the fact that it is so upsetting to you and that your husband knows this and doesn't stop or alter his use of pornography constitutes a real marital problem as it communicates that he does not value your feelings as much as you'd like/want/need him to in order for you to feel happy and trusting in your relationship.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education