Hello beria, Thanks for your question. I am sorry to hear that you feels so lost. After reading your concerns I find that the outsiders view could be very helpful for you. A few things I noticed- you appear very sad but desperately want to change that- Well thats what needs to happen, I am aware that this is easier said then done but no one else can do it for you (plus whats the worst that can happen?) By what you have said you feel that you have lost all your motivation but I assure you this will pass. However, you will need some assistance from others once you have made the choice to change. Reach out to those who reach out to you, talk to a professional, clear your head with meditation and exercise.
To leave behind the person you currently do not like you need to take the step forward in becoming the person you want to become. It is very scary but well worth it in the long run, and when it gets bumpy reach out. Best of luck- Muse
Well first figure out what you want to change- feelings, people in your life, etc
Then decided what things you would like to keep- things you enjoy doing, people you like to be around, etc
Now look at the lists- From the keep list pick one and from the lose list pick one (more than that can overwhelm a person) for example if you are sick of feeling sad do a hobby that makes you happy.
Next work on one issue at a time and remember there is only so much you can do so do your best and don't stress the things you can not change. For example if you had a difficult experience in your childhood that is still weighing you down- put it aside for today- its a big challenge too much for one person to solve in one day. Its a process and right now you need to focus on today not yesterday (it will still be there later for when your ready to work on it).
Find a therapist that you can vent your frustrations to- ask around to people you trust they may know one or call your pcp for a referral. Do the same for a medication evaluation- it will help you get more focused to deal with the issues when you are not focusing on feeling depressed. Stress, sadness and anxiety is taking up too much space in your head and heart. Third, cut yourself some slack. You are your own worst enemy and harshest critic. You have began to reach out to others so keep going. I know you can do it- all you need now is to believe you can- good luck. -Muse