Do you feel as though you want to die? Have you been unhappy in your life? Feeling hopeless and/or helpless?
The behavior that you are describing sounds very dangerous. Sometimes people engage in risky behaviors for "the thrill" without any real intent to die, and other times people do risky things with a desire to die. In either case, going into the ocean over your head in high wave conditions is dangerous and can kill you, even by accident.
I would strongly encourage you to find a psychologist near you to talk with further about this impulse and behavior so that you can understand it better and hopefully avoid this and other similar behaviors in the future. In the meantime, I would also encourage you to stay away from the ocean- even enlisting the help of family and friends if you think this might be hard for you.
yes, i have felt like similarly to the ways you described before, but i do not feel this was the case this time.
I have always rationalized that i am too strong of a person to let myself go, and that is what i feel when i fought to get back to shore the first time. Also, the times i entered the ocean after i relatively enjoyed myself and was able to get back to shore quite easily without any struggle or effort.
I felt like i was proving someting to myself, and i do not understand why i did not fear it. Isn't that the common reaction? and why do i feel upset now?