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Lively, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 260
Experience:  Doctorate in Clinical Psychology, 10 years experience working with individuals, couples, & families
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Seriously dating 9mos. My girlfriend and I have a long distance

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Seriously dating 9mos. My girlfriend and I have a long distance relationship. She broke up with me Nov. 9. She stated that she did not feel that I was madly in love with her and wanted someone that was madly in love with her. Additionally, she is afraid that I cannot change and that I will be unexpressive later or 6 months from now I will go back to being the same person and she will be in the same boat. I was planning on asking her to marry me on Thanksgiving. I have told her all of this. She is not reading my emails, text, or accepting my phone calls. (no calls in two weeks). I have not been very verbally expressive about my love for her, but I am madly in love with her. I went crazy texting and emailing her the first week. I havent texted or emailed her in a week. My best approach to regaining our relationship? How long before trying to contact her again? This is second breakup. first was 2 months in for same reason she did not feel I loved her. She is a brilliant computer engineer


You sound heartbroken and in a lot of pain. Since you asked multiple questions, I will try to address each of them.


With respect to your girlfriend, you have already tried to reach out to her in several ways that have been met with some pretty firm resistance. I would say that you could try writing her a long letter expressing your feelings (a letter allows her to read it over on her own time and maybe multiple times if she'd like).


You might also suggest that you'd be willing to go to see a couples counselor together if she would like to so that you could be on the same page about what's going on- how your relationship went until the break-up, what the break-up has been like, what she would need from you in order to get back together, what you would need from her, and/or how to break-up with the least amount of pain possible if breaking up is the only option left.


You could also try going to individual therapy to work on some of your own parts of this. For example, you mentioned that you are not very verbally expressive. There is nothing inherently wrong with this, but it has (and could in the future) posed problems for your partner- so working on how to express your feelings verbally and be more comfortable with this might be useful to you in several ways. Individual therapy could also be helpful in giving you the support you need to take care of yourself without your girlfriend around (even if she "comes back", this is useful).


Ultimately, I think that once you have expressed yourself in all the ways above (in addition to the ones you've mentioned), there is nothing more you can do to convince your girlfriend that this relationship is right for her- and continuing to try might just feel like harrassment to her.

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Customer: replied 7 years ago.
In your practice, have you seen a similar case that has ended with better results. I dont think that I am ready to give up.

Could this firm resistance abate over time and give me another opportunity?

I do like the letter idea and may try that in a week or so.

Thanks for your response, it is insightful.

I have seen lots of people go through similar relationship issues. Sometimes partners decide to return to the relationship- if enough has changed that it has a chance of functioning better than it did in the first place- and sometimes they don't. Unfortunately for you, there is no way to predict how your girlfriend might respond or whether or not her feelings will change over time. The most important thing right now is focusing on how to make yourself well-- this is ultimately the most useful (and attractive) thing you can do.
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