I am 21,
My sexual functioning wasnt all that normal before this started because, believe it or not, i was worried sick, and had OCD about being a Homosexual for about 6 years. I wondered why i never worried about being a pedophile and then not soon after that i talked to my mom about it and she told me how wierd it was for me to get an erection when being affectionate with kids. right then is when i started to worry. WHats so bizarre is that i was so sure about who i was and that one conversation completely shattered the confidence. Before i was worried sick about being gay i was totally normal though. never worried about sexual things
I have always been attracted to women, even when i was little i can remember very easily getting erections just looking at women. Even when i was worried sick about being gay i still liked women and got anxious, sometimes panic attacks, at the idea of
even finding a guy attractive.
I dont think ive ever been inappropriately touched. When i was little, about 5 or 6, my cousin, who was my age and a girl, did take advantage of me i think. She kissed me, or made out with me, in a dark room and i really had no idea what i was doing, but looking back on it i think it was a lil wierd, i dont think it was truly traumatizing.
I do watch pornography, never child porn if thats what your thinking, but i do enjoy it. I would often watch porn because i was so worried about being gay and seeing women would make the anxiety go away for a short while.
I do have a history of primarily obsessional OCD and obsessive worries. I had scrupulosity worries when i was little and also worried about the world coming to an end and have suffered from Social Anxiety since my teens. its around the age of 15 i started worrying about being gay (even thought i never found that lifestyle attractive) and have been putting up with that ever since.
I guess i shoukd tell you that my relationship with my own dad really was never that good. He was often the bad guy. he was often abrasive and at times abusive. i never was really close to him, i love him and i know he loves me but ive never been close to him like i am to my mom. If my dads a demon my moms an angel. She has always been there for me through everything. i am very, very close to her.
As you can tell by reading all this that im not a very confident person in who i am and to be honest im not very confident in anything i do. i am a costant worrier, always worrying about something. Im pretty sensitive for a guy and it has made life hard for me as well.
I can remember being little, a baby my self and holding a baby and having this fatherly feeling an gettin an erection back then, even when i had no idea what sex was yet so ive done and felt that way all my life.