Thank you for your question and welcome back to JustAnswer (I see you have been here before).
I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but I have done enough divorces to recognize jealousy when I see it. She is not only jealous of you, she feels intimidated by you and her remarks are her way of making herself feel better about herself.
Enough of that. Let me say this, you have given her more time to get her act together, but she doesn't want to get her act together. It is beginning to take a very heavy toll on your daughter. You are not there and you do not know to what extent she and what lengths she really goes in badmouthing you to your daughter.
But just the fact that your daughter comes home in tears is enough for me to tell you it would be in your daughter's best interests if you filed a Petition to Modify Custody or Visitation (whatever name is XXXXX XXXXX her time with her father).
State in your Petition the things that you daughter has told you that are said to her, the verbal abuse directed toward you that your daughter has to hear, that she comes home in tears. Furthermore, so the Judge does not think you want to limit your daughter's time with her father, say you want them to have a strong bond and a strong relationship, but that is not possible, if your daughter has to be subjected to the moods, language and dilatory remarks of the father's wife.
You are, therefore, asking the Judge to Modify the present Order insofar as it negatively impacts your daughter and her father will have to make arrangements to visit with her and spend time with her without his wife being present. The wife has had a detrimental effect on your daughter, the extent of which is not known and it would, therefore, be "in the best interests and permanent welfare of your daughter," if the Custody Order were modified.
Be sure to state in your Petition the countless times you have attempted to speak with the father's wife in a civil manner, but she just will not communicate along those lines; you might even include as Exhibits a few of the emails she has sent you to give him a better picture of her character and personality.
I wish you the best of Luck!
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ANDREA, JD, LL.M., Taxation
Member, NY & PA Bar
DISCLAIMER: The facts stated herein are information only and are not intended, nor should be construed as legal advice or legal opinion and No Attorney-Client relationship is formed by asking questions and receiving information; laws vary from state to state and to protect your interests, you should seek local counsel