hi did you not want to have a chat? i'm pretty lost without you:) my empathy is just terrible without someone to give something.
ahh np, i got another answering and some advices, was ok. went to hospital and destressed. but this give thing is just majorily important for feeling good.
i mean if i give to someone i don't feel pain. i was so stressed from receiving without able to give anything back. so i went ego and lost myself cause me and bf was "not in the same stage of emotions and what is needed to give", since i can't give him what he needs physically, and have a hard time give to him cause of his block of what is treatment. so when i couldn't give to you i kinda lost it.
my ego is filled with hatred when i don't get what i need. i lose it totally, cause so unfair that people like me suffer in society. from what i feel it's filled with rage.
i went all out on bf. talking about killing people etc.. mindrage. i forced him to stay inside heh and not sleep cause i need him. and then he went up to his mother to sleep.
ya like it might be something in the back of my head. i want to heal the world but i also kill people to do so. dictatorship. reason i wanna war against people to make them secure and help them turn. this is why i sometimes get egoism shows that rage against the world, cause who would do this? make people hostile to get a free world? but if you could capture them and free them one by one, why not.
heh ok. i mean. why? if the prison changed to be a healing advertisement, the police changed to be a watchman, and you got freed from your sorrows, 1 by 1 person and then everyone in end. free= being yourself as best you can and get all features to live a life..
if you made prison into a psychiatric evaluation, save the people from themselves and others, give them what they need to feel ok, have a dialogue with them and make them feel ok, give them what they need to go back to stage 1 this all without release them but just dialogue. this might save a prisoner and bring them back for good and without their life wasted. it's the same everywhere, schools whatever. if you don't give people a skill worth using, there's no use in doing school right? it's better get help to all people from doing 1 thing in a very short manner to bring them back to where they suppose to be. as a free person. how can people be ok in the united states if everyone suppose to live their life as a normal person and not be who they suppose to be? this is why i feel pain, people who feel emotions might be in worst case scenario cause we feel just that, cause a lot of people is in pain due to not getting what they need. see what i mean? i just want people to not be in pain, and that we can secure the state of violence, same with all other countries. i mean like FN:) you agree noone is born evil? if someone does a crime it's cause the nature of people has been to greed and not seek a greater good. unless they're given the ability to be who they are. or it's cause someone lost it wherever in their path. if you're free that's cause you figured this and accepted your pain, people who are misguided also deserve to live a life right?
can you change genetics? i got the worst case most probably. are you sure it's not as if you were in a past life? when i lose it i totally is killing people in my head. but the path of good is what makes me feel ok.
so you say if your genetics is all wrong, what do you do? heal the feelings of the genetics? what if i'm like stalin in genetics? i know i'm deriving from a soldier for some reason, dunno from where. 1550? maybe my genetics is from that, and that the rest of the relatives is of the helpful sort(my unconscious).
actually what i think is. asperger is a brain failure, but you can also have the capability to feel pain, this is all given from genetics, but when it comes to people's brain, how can you have 2 type of genetics? isn't it just ego causing your fear to hate?
ok say a soldier took over the farm, with a wife, the wife is a kind helpful worker and the soldier is hateful peace of mind. then this goes in tradition, cause it's a man's stage still, and i'm one of the people who gets this guy's genetics, while others get other genetics from who the man has controlled, so i got that too. but if my genetics is all winded out, where is my ego coming from?
as in, if you rage, another person comes ahead. if you feel threatened etc..
aye, that's what i am saying. but how bad can the ego go, and how do you rid yourself of all those thoughts. if you like got into the rage when in ptsd(like trauma related emotional pain and stress). can like emotional pain make you lose it due to the trauma of not developing the body and emotional comfort? or sexual pain?
can you at all blaim things on genetics? if you got a specific genetic there is still ways to heal your ego, as i can see it?
ye i mena that's what i'm doing, but i cannot like find a way to avoid the ego from partaking if things don't go my way. so you mean i'm stuck with that i cannot paratke in sex cause i won't get rid of the fear? and the genetics?
ya mostly. i can take it for a while, but if the stress builds to tops i'm losing it, but try to find ways to stop it, and find solutions that gives me what i need. like i can't handle that i don't get to do as i want with society cause they make me hurt.
yes when things don't fit me i'm going angry this is majorily due to i was coping with stress due to people trying to make me live a normal life with my issues, mostly cause they didn't use the family concept on me, but a structure and told regime that i had to live up to. i feel unsafe and i get sad.
this is mostly due to what i used to live is all over cause of i cannot give what people need. anger management no. it's not that i'm angry, just in despair. well i flip some coins a few times, and gone past some limits on people. this is why i want to achieve good, cause i want the pain to subside and removed from my head, so i can do good. ok if you got the number of people who i kinda fall upon, one is a drug addict, another is a guy who burn down churches but fell in the river, another is a guy from school who gave me all i wanted. my uncle i also feel great submissive to, he's a giver.
ye. that's cause i lost it all due to my anxiety and stress and found out what i'd like, and not given. how do i stop the anger? i get like this overstressed cause i don't see how i gonna remove this pain and every rule of society makes me not able to do it. should i trust myself when i got this ptsd or rage whatever?
ok so anger rules me for the time being if i'm in emotional stress? or fear of losing something? hah i must be only one in the world with asperger, emotional pain and a rage like this. so you say that i'm a sociopath with feelings for others and get angry cause the world isn't at peace? no wonder i get paranoid at the touch of others control
what's wrong then? genetics? you mean rage control? how am i suppose to control rage if everything is lost? i can't give sexual favors or give at all.
oh i see that. i just am losing it, cause of the pain for the time being is totally terrible, and i have a hard time getting any needs covered, and i dunno what i'm doing. it's like i don't have the sexual growth, thus my bf is suffering, i really should of not gone into a relationship, i'll put him in misery. how do i grow? i'm addicted but just for love, i cannot have sexual relationship, cause i cannot get attracted. i tried to do what others wanted, and now i'm in deep pain. i can't take being on my own. i feel pain of others, and thus my stress levels gone through the roof and then i got really obnoxious with people. what would you say is best for me and others?
ok let me see. i did not get past the baby stage until lately. then i had security needs that i had to have. selfesteem is ok. social needs covered by listening to others and feel them i just wish i was able to do something. self actualisation is not covered cause not studying and working. so that's why my rage comes in, i need those needs covered.
and that's wher ethe happy family thing comes in, cause i need my family back. my wish to have a family where i'm happy is where i fail.
ok if you see my idea. emotional pain made me block emotions, to substansially show the opposite. my inner rage goes pretty wide, so i got spoiled and tried to avoid it by going the freedom path and get away from people, and not show anything cause I didn't like my life, so i raged every time i was not getting something i like etc.. i feel like a devil really from doing all that. so i went into rock and roll, smokes etc.. and slept with a lot of people but really i was not into them. this just cause i wanted to feel. so once someone tried to oppose me i clicked on them and started crying cause i didn't get it as i wanted. so all that opposed me i hated, and i don't let anyone control me.
i don't have any of them covered heh, but the esteem one. they tried but i hide and wanted to grow up, but i fail. i don't have social growth. i was a old lady as a 1 year old socially. well now i just blaim people for not doing anything, cause the pain is too tough to handle and not getting all these needs covered. i ran away from mom at year of 2, just cause she tried to control me. the only thing she tried to keep was my safety but i didn't really feel something for them.
that's the thing, with who? i don't have any of the needs covered. i cannot get someone lullaby me, nor can i avoid my bf wanting sex.
well like, i know. it's just that i can't get to myself. i dunno how to get past baby state.
ye growth in baby state. like i feel pain of people but no feelings. i hate all i see, cause they don't give me what i need. -> passive-aggressive is ok. but i cannot give myself nurturing emotionally nor physically. sexual needs not covered, emotional needs not covered. i can't trust anyone, my bf tries to touch me, and i go reverse.
heh. i tried getting it from everyone i saw. imagine 100 sexual relatinoships without feeling a thing but need those needs covered.
some guys undressed me a few times. at age of 5, a rapist was in the neighbour hood and raped my classmate(he's her uncle), and around age of 7 we got told to stay away from him and i ran all over the place to avoid it. some guy undressed me when he was 10 and i was 7. i once dream about this guy who touched me in school he was joking and bruned down churches at age of 12, but i still longed for him and then he drown in the river and i was dreaming. i just stepped over it and had abusive relations. now my bf can't touch me without me reacting.
i got through it, just not the growth. my mom couldn't touch me. i had flasks to make up for it. oh btw you know what i mean, why isn't anyone like you? what do i have to do to bf to avoid him being sexual for the time being?
ya i mean i fantasy got through it. and did all those things without having it covered. this is why it sucks now. i meditated to get back to the stage and figure what went wrong. well this is why i wants someone like you:)
well i got thrown out of the people school due to drug abuse and lots of sexual stuff, we almost got caught, and then i went back home and try go back with a letter to them about me, but got thrown out again when i go get some again and then i had a episode where i told my friend i wanted to throw the table, and she started crying and then she went to find someone and then i got tossed out, and went home to my mom's cousin to talk to him about it, and a year later i tried again. but i had a psychotherapist around 20, but we really never did anything like that.
they found the resentment tho. a psychologist. i dunno how much i told him.
i tried telling them everything but noone does anything and send me to a psychotherapist to talk about it. they just think i'm crazy and a rebell heh. when i told them i was a baby and they couldn't
ill call the doctor. but they arent allowed to touch
ya like he can't touch me except the head and when i'm in control and also neck etc.. i can't see him either. i cannot touch him either without repelling. he can touch my breasts when i'm doing myself and is in mood that way, but i'm losing it a lil right now.
oh no this is bf. once i dream my doc had no fantasies tho so i wanted him.
thanks. yea i know.