hey i'm starting to get there, you know why i talk to you? cause my brain is absolutely full, and i have no way to sort things. it takes like 3 days to get an emotion out heh and my brain is so full of info, psychiatric measurements and all my life is filled in there. i think i'm going breakdown soon. i got full emotional therapy in there, every bit of my life that hasn't been sorted, and now i forget the easiest tasks.
that my sorting mechanism is totally not working. it takes a night sleep to break things down and make it smaller, so i can't make things easy. so i'm not eating not sleeping i don't know whats going on. i think this is why i stress. everytime i have insecurity or need to process new info i get all filled up.
don't want food anymore, especially sugar. how do you rid yourself of 3 degrees in your head? if you can't sort?
like i have an emotion and i want to do the task easy as to why the emotion is there, like thought processing, i completely cannot pick out how to sort it and find the info and get rid of it. so all my life is in there and i cannot get rid of it heh. like i got about all my emotions and thoughts stored in there without a chance to solve them, now my brain is shutting down so is my body, cause of all the info stored in brain.
yeah i know, but its still there no matter what i do. the sorting function just isnt there. see why i overcomplicate?
everything is in there, like my whole life, full information on my emotions without a problem solver(i think i got some of it sorted), structurizing which i'm uncapable of doing, timing etc.. all i need is to make it simple, so i don't have 3 million thoughts and happenings in my brain, and can get something out of it heh.
just for stroke.
just atarax and the quetiapine. and one for scizoid for 2 days. zeldox? as well as depression when 17.
the sorting issue is a brain issue. so i got like 2 brains one that copes one that doesn't. this is why i outburst on emotions whili never handled it. liek imagine your whole life being something others has put onto you to make you handle things, and all outbursts is cause of it, the asperger cause you to make things in wrong size and that's why emotions build up. then you overcomplicate things and all the emotions is the last you see what is wrong with. i store info and do nothing about it, so no wonder i got onto drugs and alcohol and gaming for a long while. all cause i never handled things without someone to help me, i lost path.
adhd? or well, i need constant information and have fun(like radio or sports show or music, or reading book, or information at all times). then i fall out when i got more info than i could fit into the brain i guess(memory is my strongest side), math is strong side.
schizophrenia with a wierd brain? like logiacl one? and ego one?
basically my problem is emotions, every emotion has not been sorted, so i cannot structure anything either, so i'm impulsive, so every time you go to school you like listen to the teacher and all i can do is like math and information, and then i just use my subconscious brain to write things. i'm probably aware at all times, but i'm not structuring things. i got sick memory too, so i can write down all info and process it as it was, but now the brain is all full of a complicate life heh, due to meditating on all what went wrong and all that happened, i kinda lose info from what happens right now. i developed 2 brains, one of my previous life and one that is who i really am. all my memory is stock in my head and hasn't been made easy. i guess? sorting issue?also i'm stressed out.
heh ye tell me that, going mindf**king myself waiting for one. how do i clear my mind and i got most of the discoveries written down. how do you sort things? i had to give up on the book i was reading to sort it, and i need more than i have to sort it. the last psychiatrist i went to, said i was well when i was going to become a nurse, most f**ked up ever ehh.
i guess i know why this is research material-. tell me how to sort or learn to structure?
ok what do you think.
stressmanagement is starting to f**k me up
brain used to need lots of information
unable to small talk
unable to deal with emotions properly or talk about it
i did as everyone says for 18 years but i knew it was wrong for me
i got traumatized in school by students around me, and drug abuse and alcohol for a year or so, then playing computer for 10 years nonstop.
so now i struggle cause i couldn't do my computer anymore, and visualizing has always been a problem. now i cannot take new info heh. i'm also troubling on getting smoking finished. damn so stressed.
what shall i do to get the info needed to fix this? if i don't find relief i'm going to get super stressed:(
so what do i do to release stress if i need nonstop attention spam and it's stressing me not to get it if i don't look for information?
i need to stop thinking or process information.
like not attention but nonstop activity to destress.
heh mental activity? karaoke all day long, shower and salty water helps? it results me in not sleeping. it has to be some kind of activity that makes me sleepy and not stressed, how heh. and it cannot fill my head. what can i take out of my head to use for something?
i'm not functining very well already been out and talked to people as well,. but my brain has to destress with good mood and need stimulation in mind. without stressing it how?
ok. you given me info needed. i'll just sing. until my control issue is gone..
gah hate when people tell me stuff i don't believe. will sleep relax trauma and if you got body symptoms will it be gone from vallergan? i keep smoking every 15 to relief my meditation. i gotta pee every 15 min.
if it removes trauma pain? like stop you from working on it.
well it does block emotions in things like atarax i believe? you calm down rrather. but the question is if an antihistamine has the power to change your subconscious or stop it from going into your body or reacting.
what would i need to stop the trauma from going into body as stress incontinence or just stop working on the body? i like lose pounds and going to toilet every time i move. the water seem to store in empty spaces.
ok i'm meditating on the chakra that has to do with smoking and whatever caused me to smoke, and now i smoke like every 15 min to avoid getitng sttressed out, but my stomach has filled up with water and air and the water keep coming and going out of the body every 15 once i moved to smoke, i'm completely exhausted any emotion arrising or people talking just hurts my mind, and i stopped eating for a while cause of it, i like was sleeping 2 hours a night for 14 days, but i want the urine incontinense to stop(it might even be fat going out if i don't eat enough). then i smoked like 15-30 min all through the day and sometimes not sleeping. burn out? if i don't smoke it goes back to the throat. thing is i feel the urine go into the bladder and then i go to toilet and this every 15 min? on top of it i have headache.
thing is, i got anxiety and it is stored in my head making me really blow out, then i got stress in my throat(smoking), the stomach is filled with water and air from losing weight, so without even drinking the water keep coming all the time or the blader keep filling up.
every time i move or every time i smoke i have to go to toilet cause bladder is full, but i cannot remember drinking this much. i have to push to go to toilet for the time being but if i got more urine in there i'd wet myself.
from 1/8 to 1/4 more in morning, even if laying down it fills up.
1/8 pounds or 1/4 pounds sometimes. like 40 times a day. and lost 16 pounds not eating much in 3 weeks. i drank maybe half a pound. i sometimes go to toilet the other way but not often.
don't know, i just feel it coming a lil, and go to toilet every time like 1/4. it depends how long time you use in between. once i sat down it comes again. it's like my body is so full of water that i can lose 2 pounds a day sometimes.
i cant eat sugar whole. taste really crap. but i think its just the stress or something, it might be fat too?
hmm wierd. oh well, i thought maybe there was a hole from where fat comes from? i hate this negativity. this guy at the center keep getting asking myself if i'm right or wrong about the stress and losing pound thing, as well as if i can sleep with this. what i'm doing wrong with the communication. darn i get so fuced by him and everyone else.
this guy at the center constantly tells me i need to sleep to aoid the stress, but how do i know i will sleep and how do i know this will releaf the stress? if it's just a antihistamine? i hate when i don't know what the f**k people are doing.
so wanna go to my bf again, i hate how bad i feel cause no mental stimuli or sexual stimuli. but my head is about to explode from listening to bf and his hobbies. i guess i felt worse when i was around 10 people at the institution tho. i hate when i have no control what people are thinking specially when they are charge of my treatment, it's like i hate how i gonna live here alone now, totally whacks my head. i cannot do this on my own! and noone does anything to help. even i'm suppose to be safe, but i hate having a own apartment to do this, my bf refuse be here. what if i die cause staying here alone. i am so scared just go sleep now:( hate not having control. what's wrong with my head, why i'm so negative thinking?
you know what, i think he's destroying me with his problems, or my problems gets bigger not being around people of my quality.
thing is. structure gives safety, it makes you who you are, and you're suppose to suffer a lil in life to become who you are, and find a good path, and not a path to destruction, therefore i try to protect myself from harm by avoiding the path of destruction, but get a life where i am myself but with consequences of the life that surrounds us. not like me where i go all out to have right, but live with people who can be there to protect you from what is outside, cause i need help, this way we can fight together to become who we suppose to be and live the life we're meant to live. there is enough people who need help in the world, and being capable of doing so is way more important than your every day need, and that's why i struggled so hard, cause people tried to control you to fit your needs, but forgot explain why, and why other people are bad to the world:) but i guess that's what suffering is and when you get there you get there, luckily i found a path to go and get where i need to be, but it all got messed up by my need to be right instead of getting a need covered long time ago, cause noone asked anyone what was wrong with me. this is why you can't make a superior country or a perfect world for people, cause the ego has beaten most of us down and this results in a dangerous world, cause the ego of the world has taken control of the good in the world, and misinterpretations makes it worse and worse. not coping is not a good deal. industrial and service isn't a good deal but i guess it's necessary to provide a life at this coast, and that's why you need a planned structure to live your life and be protected if you don't have the right benefits to live a normal life, then you need help understand your principles but avoid yourself from destruction. luckily i found a path to end it and not destruct myself before i found peace. always wanted to be jesus:) i think you get it, you should never been in the hands of someone who did all that crap to you and everyone else and i think it's result of your country, so is most countries after service and industrial breakthroughs, making life easier for yourself at all times is surely not the picture people should be having. our goal is to work not stop your own growth. ofcourse safety is really important but with a grasp of a good standing and hope for yourself, without a destruction path.
you ok? i think we're alike. you did your best, XXXXX XXXXX:) i was misguided. i wish i could change the world, and you're one of my best friends, and you being you got me where i wanted to be, regardless how much you live in a different country. i know what you tried to do, you did everything right, it's just too poor that you never got what you needed and things were too much of a trouble to get you where you accept things as they are and where you get to be a happy fellow and cope with what lives gives you. i think you're coping but i don't think it's right that people should have to live long lives and feel like they do due to other people messing them up completely. guns is such a war tool and really a path of destruction.
oh my bad. hehe. i misread people like crazy:) wish i could do something to change the way things are for people. like obama he can change the world i hope, cause of what life he lived, so can you, so wish you could get people on the track for divine guidance or just living as they are and get there without a destruction path. this is why i picked you cause you got a caring tactic for destructive people, it's amazing how much you can do to get people off of it just by explaining your life you would do amazing stuff. i hope you see what i mean?
so like, you know bon jovi? i think he has really good stuff in him, that makes him pretty darn good person, just cause he got through it? wish i could do the same for you, but i guess it's pretty darn impossible unless the world change right, this is why you nee dmore complicated tactics to save the world from harm, cause of the guns and industrial and service principles that create harm, and people just get all devastated cause of it, can't believe i didn't see how lucky i am, and how harmful the world can be to people.
no i don't say that:) i just found weakpoints in the bible cause i misread it and just wanting to explain how i feel, and i always wished the best, XXXXX XXXXX wrong with me and people is beyond me. my fear is there cause i had no hands on believing anything or anyone, and i got all exposed in every bit of the way, what is right and what is wrong? it requires some research to make it as little problematic as possible, and get things on the track, so wish i could do it.
ye totally:) reason why i talked to you:) i'm hyperactive, and i could of found ways long time ago if with the right people, in the right dimension:) what has gone bad is cause of my own problems just from childhood even. to save a world in needs you need research on every bit of problems is possible having and i so wish i could do something about it with a golden hand of identity. hate being right, how the world is trying to repeat everything what's wrong.
like my asperger is a reason i got it, i must find a purpose of my life and handle the things i don't. don't do as hitler, not as all wars that has been played, where do i start and get a change of the world?
ok if you see all the pain in the world and you need a path to find a way to get people off the problems, the negativity that i previously had was killing people and i need positivity in the world yet again. how do you get through this without a sense of negativity? that's one of the pointers. if it's like everyone has a life in suffering that's pretty terrible and how do you avoid them to suffer? how much hasn't guns and destruction ruled people and destroyed their lives, how can you get further, when people die from lack of food, die from not getting help they need, the world will end if we don't stop the destructive path. i can see so much suffering i hate how much the path of destruction has turn to. how can you do anything about it?
i got enough with my neighbours and the people around me heh. totally falling apart in body atm. alone in this apartment is like hell. someone has to tell me what to do when to do it and do something creative at all times to fall asleep. why do everything has to happen between 2 and 4 and i go to hell living alone. i need 16 hour workday to be ok. sedatives has stopped working after 2 days. my worst nightmare is all the info i take in and i think i'm feeling everyone's emotions. i am so far from getting enough info in, or do enough that makes me sort my brain issues and not be hyperactive.
well i'm hyperactive, i'm asperger, i'm stressing, i can hardly go to the bus and get on it, cause not enough stimulation and no sleeping, my brain is full of 4 types of therapy or whatever healthy stuff, and math and symptoms from stress through 34 years, so like my brain cells is like really out. people can't touch me but massages. i don' get stimulated hardly enough, i'm used to 2 hours sleep. sedatives makes me dizzy, my shorttime memory is f**ked up. damn how much trouble i made myself. i lost 20 pounds tho, going back to 1979 and nearly returned now. i lose my keys or smokes or whatever all the time and forget things all the time.
it's not my only problem, it's my personality, and hyperactive. my mother is emotionally distracted and control emotionally lacking and the other way around person, my father is pretty normal but like most men here he just earn money, and my sis is on the taking list of people. i'm hyperactive and my mom is kinda, but with relaxing issues, and feeling sorry for herself cause none in the household is helping her, i was for a long while but i had no way of doing it heh, and leting me out among people alone was like the worst you could do. i used to listen to radio all day as a kid and take in lots of info and even at night i was listening at 13+, and then everything went wrong with school, and i was also emotional distracted as a kid, thing is it's a lil combination of a personality, controlled, without any emotional therapy, not letting people help, etc.. and then i went on drugs and alcohol, slept with numerous men while in it, just to get them off my chest. got sent to her cousin(he's a therapist), and then off to school 6 months later and started drinking and playing games after 6 months, cause fail in school, and then another therapist cause i failed, and got restless legs off zyprexa or whatever, then i went for healing and got some help there, and then a psychotherapist told me i was well when i decided go back to nursing school, but well i wasn't, and then i went home playing agmes again, go back to try some economics failed again. all along this i wasn't ready for sex etc.. cause not developed and then i had no way of getting off it, cause i didn't wanted to return to mom and i didn't wanted to be with my bf, so i decided to stay safe with help around me and then i got off here and noone tried to figure why all this happened cause i was in blocked emotional state and i didn't wanted to tell anyone.
it is. partly hyperactivity and partly asperger, cause struggling with sorting and motorics. i think only reason i have issues is that i do the quite opposite of what i need to be doing, sorting stuff out in brain is quite a task, and it doesn't do itself. like structure is an issue, and impulsivity. also the fact that noone can try to control me. if they touch me without knowing i hit back. reason for smoking that is:) even if i'm feeling sexual urge. you mean that i get emotional at some part of the day? but i really think that i need emotional distresseing and asperger is making you all this, but it's like the other way around than from other people since most of them are boys, and i'm emotional also:) have you heard of a schizophrenic who has all the logical skills and opposite thinking of normal people, wanting to be in control and really hate small talk? it does seem to be a control issue tho for the time being, and the meditation kinda makes me aware of what i was. so does cognitive therapy, but i should of started back in the book not in front and i should of found someone to do it with me heh. everything i do i need others to start or help me with practical stuff and timing stuff.
so like a schizophrenic with thinking that is reversed of others? the other things i cannot really see heh. what exactly is wrong with a schizophrenic? or what cognitive functions is f**king it up? and why the hypo?
ye like being able to play games for 3 days ina row without sleeping? or just watch sports all day and i don't think i had a psychosis.
oh great. what makes people in psychosis? the ones i meet with schizophrenia is like me, and we enjoy eachother, but they are so much more trying to be social, and they like can be really imaginative? i'm not, so you're saying that emotionally is like a schizophrenic? the psychosis is just cause they don't handle it? while i just blocked the emotions instead? but what about filling head with 4 professions and lose contact with the body?
but how do you get it? i once dream that the first boy i kissed got shot in the foot a week later he died cause drowning after a party. the other dream i had was my grand aunt at her house at cottage that pirates was coming to get her and the house was like greyed out. sometimes i was like saying to my mom that keys layed on the other table while sleeping cause they was speaking.
hmm. so if i block my subconscious is that a psychosis or is it a trauma? like i have anxiety in my head and stress in my body. and i have action problems(fantasy issue and sorting issue and whatever emotion gets blocked it's like all cognitive functions has issues now).
sorry mate my sorting issue is a problem i will find some tests for it and ask someone to subscribe me something to test.
cry! that's it. need cry therapy:P cry like you mean it. i think i have to cry all day long. otherwise my head is all full.
heh won't without crying lol. i think i have to cry all day long until it's gone. but i think my head might hurt. the worst thing is that people try to make you in a good mood and all they do is make your head hurt heh. it's just pathetic how bad things are when it comes to taking care of someone's emotions. no wonder i hated bf cause of emotions, he never shows them. neither is the treatment center. i seen mother crying twice.
np. just needed to say.