i think it's over. i cannot take it on my own, need to find a way to get it overwith and get my bf out of my life.
i did. i'm terrified and at my parents. have to find a solution tomorrow. my life is pretty much over as i used to live it.
my whole life is a lie. depending on others without showing where my weakness is, not growing strong, until i realized it's all a lie and all based on my needs and not on my strongness. it's pretty whacked that noone figured. all thanks to my head weakness and people obsessing about making it right and thne i did too. it's all whacked, just cause a brain injury i have no clue what is. darn my head hurts like hell. even the relationships i have is a lie.
well i joined relations due to insecuity of myself, low selfesteem and not much gratitude. i based life on my ego, and forgot the pain of being me.
i got together with my bf due to insecurity and pain and addiction and ask for help cause of not taking my life due to high ego, i don't know if i got a brain injury or not, but i dont know, but my whole life is a pity run. i really need some answers to figure this out. all i know is that i cannot be alone trying to figur ethis out, and it's pointless to have a guidance like working out without my life is secure to me. i kinda told my bf the truth. i don't think i can fix this. i'm extremely fearful i guess due to decifits. what do you think?
he denied help me figure.
i told him we should not be together. not really his fault tho. i lied like no tomorrow about why i wanted to be with him. not love. just a get away or safety strategy.
cause i failed, really badly too. think about using the bible as a strategy to get things as you want, i've worked against it all my life, i'm just worthless, and my brain i dunno.
no cause he refused to help me with the structure thing and figure it out, i cannot live like without controlling things and proof stuff to people, you know i sometimes wish someone would rape me just to feel something? i wish the worst thing happening to me, just to be able to feel the pain. anything is better than my life. what do you thikn is left to deal with?
i went back home to parents until tomorrow atleast., was in my apartment.
i will talk to them, first have to figure why this headache. what you reckon? ego or just pure misery`?
why would i`?
there's not really a reason for them to feel sorry for me. the problem is them trying to disguise and let me fear the unknown, why not just point it out and tell me exactly what's wrong with me, instead of disguising? or let me figure why i'm sick, it's just so stupid, that every chat i have with people is disguised as therapy, heh i guess i'm a bit feeling sorry for myself for not having one single person who i can attract to, not a single person that adores me, and not a single person who wants to do a thing for me in RL that is. it's just so pointless that i'm alone, just cause i don't know how. master ego or what? tired of feeling sorry for myself. i still have no reason why i'm put in this position and not getting anywhere. what was wrong with my question about the brain? i really feel ackward for the pain i brig people. aybe i feel guilt.
well i dont think that my brain works right. cause its not who i'm suppose to be, and i feel the challenges nearly kills me. hmm hope noone is outside. rock on window.
actually if all my indepency made me return to 200 panic attacks for things that went wrong with other åpeoples guidance, wouldnt it means i know myself?
like my ego, is like full of it, but only cause my decifit, and i can act the opposite on front of other people just not my bf for the min, i had 200 panic attacks to rewind my defenses. i blocked all my emotions for so many years. every day people work against what was wrong with me, and made me feel like crap, and made me find all the excuses in the world not to do anything they wanted, to be honest i never worked very well with practical work or organisational stuff, cause believe me i tried for 25 years, then stop trying. what if everyone is wrong about me being lazy, but i still believe i'm very right and that's these troubles caused everything happening to me. i'm sure i had ocd symptoms a while.
what do you mean? how can they be at fault? they never knew about asperger. i'm just angry at the world for nto figuring it out a long time ago heh. ok how do i become angry and stop being it?
your right. i hate the world and the system that makes you not able to help anyone but drug them down and think that it's okay to do low cost therapy, and not actually treat people from the start of their childhood. meditation is needing to be allright. why is not people smart enough to be guided to a good path, it ruins all i've got. also i'm angry noone listens, just talk back and try find methods instead of an answer in a honest way. i'm tired of figuring things out myself, why didn't people do all this in the first place.
erm ye you know the other day i just wanted 1 positive person in my life, now i figured ok all my people has got so much negativity that it's kiling me, same with the music and everything else, i know 3 people that i hardly see that isn't negative.
when i'm positive people feel threatened. well i hugged one of my treatment people yesterday, i guess he liked it. bf is killing me cause he's constantly trying to hug me and trying to make me do stuff, trying to explain to me what's right and wrong, and i go nuts.
well ya. i still need help, who knows what's right and wrong. if noone trusts my ability to figure what's right and wrong, why should I?
you know the reason i don't wanna be with people? they're not suiting me, it's really boring to do anything but listening and point things out, or just relax in front of a movie or cuddle. reason i hate that my bf just goes poof, but he's nothing like that.
ye btw i'm a bit scared atm. a rock going against the window at middle of the night, can it be anything else than people? i'm afraid it's my sis's ex. how can i get him arrested? last time he took with him a kid so my sis didn't wanted a scene.
btw i plan stop all the treatment atm, cause of it just isn't going to work, it's pretty pointless when i could take care of family and we can be together, i'd rather be with my relatives and treat myself. am i wrong?
well he doesnt want to get arrested and my sis is elsewhere. he probably think he can talk me or someone into letting him in. but how can i call someone to figure if hes arund at 3 am and how do i get him challenged and arrested.
yes. my parents upstairs sleeping, but a rock how do i notify someone to get a order to stay away from me, this way i can get him arrested right? or for a facebook comment?
i need a order for him to stay away right? well who do i call if not the police?
hmmm, what is the best way to get him caught for something, to make him look bad? get a picture off him outside with doors locked? he was sent on the bus the other day to go back and he nearly brought the kids with him then cause she let him in. how can i else help the case against him? it's threatening if he's still here now.
hmm how far is stalking going? cause my sis actually had to go with him and the kids for the bus and then he got caught but she refuse to make a scene in front of kids, and then they sent him to the city back home, after letting him go on the bus. but we can get a warrant at him for being close to the house can't we regardless if my sis is here?
ok, so there is no way i can say that i don't want him close to house regardless if he has beaten up my sis? or that i don't want him close to me? well i can photoshoot him close to the house and says he's after us right? darn how can i get him in prison without losing my safety? or how can i get him expelled.
what if i go outside, he probably will do something stupid right? but there must be something i can do to imprison him without being losing safety?
why not facebook sweet him to make him all sweat? that's enough proof if i can make him shown guilty? or even play all sweet to make him discuss it? is words or a threat what makes them react? the police that is? i'm pretty scary when it comes to talking ain't i? i need selfesteem, is there a reason I should have one? btw which one would you pick for me, someone sweet who got all messed up by asperger and other people, or someone who's an ass and refuses do what told? or do i just not have emotions anymore? how?
heh i even would take him into the apartment and make him do the same to me to get him proven guilty if it would help my sis. he's not really something bad, i bet i could get him bitchslap me in face in a few min, and have proof for him being guilty as charged. but i hope my first sentences that made me agree with him wasn't bad, but what's wrong with people. or what's wrong with me? darn i get off teh track here, it's a bit annoying thi with my sis, i cannot even take a smoke now.
so basically i feel i need to find a trigger to make myself feel okay, i cannot stay here forever, and i really do have safety issues, cause i just sit on the fellows once i can.
i know. don't worry. bad fantasies. how do i rid myself of this need to safety net by being around people? or just safety from men?
i'm really out there for the moment. waiting my parents to come home to eat, and trying to get over stress, so i can talk to people. i think i had to get over being alone and in fear, it's just so easy. i need to get over this pain it is to be alone and not safe and maybe my life will return.
well yeah, i was heartbroken for failing my bf, and top of it afraid. i've been terrified for a long time now to lose him. i just couldn't tell him how i felt, cause it tears me apart knowing that i actually wasn't in a real relationship and it all started on a lie. hopefully he gets it. how can i say i'm sorry for being who i am, i feel so guilty. my safety issue is probably more cause i hurt so many and failed so many times to say what i felt. how can i forgive myself. i realyl don't deserve love. trust is a difficult thing.
we both were addicted to computer for 10 years, no wonder. he is just going all out on computer or talk too much all the time when he's able to talk, and i'm going nuts. there's a reason i talk about feelings all the time, and cannot think about anything else, cause i got too much of them due to all the stuff i can't do. and my blocked emotions is there constantly so i stop dealing with stuff.
well my problem is they don't let me speak they just make tasks. reason i don't go through the night without problems cause they left it for me to struggle with. how to deal with constant talking in my head without knowing what it is?
ye like blocked. it try send me messages of whatever, and i have no clue what. it keeps doing this all day.
my emotions is all in my head. ear is speaking to my head to get it out. so once someone give me new ideas i'm blocking compeltely, and f**k myself up. dunno what's in there right now, i just had a lot of guilt and then people start speaking and then i'm screwed.
it seem noone gets to talk about it. gonna try meditate a while. since don't know what the emotion is.
doh new questionary isn't really working.