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well let's see. you keep going on positive, for 2 years, all my troubles was all mixed up, and you just keep going like nothing was wrong with me. you got me good. seriously more people need you. and really you know i ignored you, didn't even let you do the work. darn you must of been in big pain to take this. you made me think i did it all myself!
all i had to do was think positive allow myself to be naturally angry and i could do that! i'm crazy. can't believe i thought i had to do something different than what i already knew. so how do you take all this? how do you feel okay about suffering? cause i'm trying to think positive and be around 20 people that needs it. heh being able to do this is more important than anything in life. see you turn me into you, that's a good voicing. i really couldn't see the light cause the gravelock was in the way.
ok check this first thing, my friend at the center had a breakdown a while ago and i felt sorry for her(she's like me just probably not changeable), then another one of them had been mad for like ages, and then i suddenly was able to listen to her, and she wanted to be my friend, but then i rejected her the next day and she felt sad, cause i had to meditate and be with everyone i felt very selfish of me but i felt that i could not let someon else down and i couldn't like treat her good if i was in misery, not just her. and she went a bit jehalous, and there got a bit girl dramas between the 2 of them being negative. ok so i went meditating again and then i found this boy who had a caraccident and he cannot speak but i was sure i had made him feel good, cause i sent these positive signals to him. like i wanted to be sending positive signals by angels etc.. so it worked and i went home listening to positive songs and look for positive stuff. well i might of just imagined it, but i realize it's far more out there than just me. then i figured why they wanted us to be positive. positive auras and people kinda gives the world what it needs. can't believe someone could take my pain and actually talk gently to me. my head exploding atm.
to be listened to and worked against, and then figure it's my life and noone tells me what to do unless it's needed. i had no reason feel sorry for myself anymore due to i see my sis going through pain. i could feel everyone's pain in my body. who can keep going on negative thinking or blaim others for not being like me. i need people. my ego is a rescue to all pain there is. it's not there to keep you from emotions. so why work against the goal.
well ye. like i have been all along living to help others right, so i didn't let them come close, and i didn't let the anger go onto them, and then someone didn't wanted to listen to me to make me help someone and i figured that was what my life was, i got furious and let it out on a msg to someone, and then figure, if i was going to help someone i could not anger myself with them, but accept them, and live with them, until they break out of misery, all i could do if i was not able to say things to them is positive signals that make them break out of it. so i had to endure their pain and my own and then i could just let everything go. so the worst person in the world just need a positive person who is willing to give, and we can save whoever we want. all i need to do is feel what they're feeling and acept it and stay positive and say positive things until they give up their desires cause it's within them. heh i already had it within me, i just tried too hard to please others without accepting myself. the rescue is to care for others, for sure.
the biggest help you can give to others is what you can give to yourself and accept in yourself, so if you accept yourself you accept others. and you can endure their pain, i knew i had to be in misery until i got something. now i just need to accept myself completly and be the person i wanna be.
well all they need is me, the inner me, without complications. and yes, if i don't get the truth out i would never become angry with someone in fear of losing them and myself. since i'm depending on people i need to not be fearing losing them. i'm too tired for this. gonna take a sleep and my head is blowing up nearly. i'll talk at you later.
now i know why i get upset. too much people with issues. need to find positive stuff to maKE UP FOR IT. CRISIS MAXIMIZING. need a positive sound to build myself backup.
yes i need positive energy to make life better for others and myself. what would you say is most effective?
like i cannot live in negative energy all the time. so need something positive to heal myself. right? reminds me a bit of bipolar i guess. i get 6 people's auras into my body and if we do negative things we get all maximized. so if i leave the room the aura starts healing in a way. so i actually get worse by being with them, and then i need some way to clear it.
dont think i need it? need to cleanse negative energy and gain posiive. so i radia¨te positivity, regardless what is inside others. my night create a mess in my body. so i get sick in heart.
but what is happening is i meditate while with others and see what is inside them, trying to think positive and do somthing, but none of them returns the favor so i get all a mess. so really need someone else to radiate positivity and sometimes none of them are. otherwise i need to stay positive regardless since thats the only way they would heal. the ones that radiate positivity isn't there with all the people. none of us can just toss out what we are thinking or feeling if its negative so i get it into my body instead. so what they all need is someone who can take it and radiate out positive energy, so we all gets increased energy.. since noone speaks of the negative we cannot get positive energy from eachother unless one of us is radiating positivity and heals others. maybe we should start touching eachother and heal eachother, whta else can we do? gonna go out and see if i can get one on oe with someone so we can heal eachother.
the worst is the boredom when i'm with others. need to find good benefits.
like a reason to be around them and able to communicate properly.
yeah pretty much with 6 of them at the same spot, i got 3 urses i wanna be around but they have no time for me. wish we could have a normal conversation.
i dont wanna talk or be friends with the patients. the two i wanna be with is helping others or quitting. i got a new lady now, but i think i enjoy them cause theyre men and extremely good guys. far more comfortable talking to guys.
how do i entertain myself alone so i can help others when i'm rested. cause i need to impress the people i actually wanna be with. this is so i'm able to give to others, and can take care of others.
no. i just like having stuff to do, so i need a friend that can make me feel good, so i can be able to help others. i don't like doing much else than talking to people and i wish someone helped me be positive, or be fun to everyone.
ok imagine this as a person.
someone who works, come home and just wanna relax on coach or in bed. like watching tv or listen to the radio and just experience eachother. then the rest of the day i could take care of people. get me? how old does the male have to be, or what work do he have to do to wanna just shut up or just talk about our day. i'd have way more left over for someone who actualy just wanna rest.
uhm ya, like my dad or family. all we did was workouts and resting, and mom took care of the house. the only thing i missed was someone to sweep my arms around while watching something funny or just have sex etc.. or someone to work with to organize things and get things done. i hate .solo work, and now i totally lost everything cause noone wanna do group things like football or just relax on the coach/bed. i can't imagine i would be anyone's dream girl but he's resisting just feeling cozy.
no i mean i wanna sleep and rest and enjoy eachother in bed, not be dragged into bed to have sex after someone has been busy all night, totally hate busy guys. the perfect guy know everything about nothing and just is calm to please others, just like me. we could read books together or whatever. how do you get a overactive orangutang to rest and just have a joyful conversation and not something that kills me. why should i bother tie him up.
ya. i need him to calm down, how? just be at peace of mind or watch something with me or just be cozy and not be all over the place.
have i said it to him? heh
sorry someone came by. i don't know what i've told him or not, he just keep pushing my buttons every time we have a conversation. disrespectful to be honest. well last month he said something good for the first time. i've totally isolated myself for years, and not telling anyone how i felt but you. unless there was a crisis i had no control over. it's not very constructive to tell him i'm miserable and cry without telling him why. this is cause he can't take crying and he totally wanted me to get out of the house if i cry or got mad. well that changed when he realize i had asperger, then he tried taking care of me, instead and ignored his own feelings. so i stop telling him how i felt, just like i did with rest of the famimly.
i realize i kinda just still constantly want him to shut the f**k up so i can talk, but he just keep pushing me to get to talk and ignore me. how the hell am i gonna get him to shut up so i can hvae a word and calm him down?
1 sentence and then he keeps going for half an hour about someting i can't ask him anything. is it wierd i don' wanna please him? if i'm annoyed after 30 seconds? when he's done he goes on the computer to kill time.
well imagine, i say something and stops a second without even asking and he keeps going on about stuff i didn't even ask or just keep going on with his thoughts. he doesn't know someone is speaking back to him. why can't he just speak 2 words and stop.
ya. he even answers for me, and he controls every conversation and ignores me in any conversation with others. his mate told him to stop and maybe i should answer for once heh. maybe i have to teach him how to speak not him teaching me. wtf is wrong with him, he's so selfsentered, until he wants something. it's like we constantly have to have a discussion going on and where i tell him to shut up repeateadly and he tells me i need to tie him up to take control over him. it's like he wants to be beaten senses out of him, to feel loved.
not really. i will talk to him tonight and get him to watch couple therapy program, i have a feeling it might show him some emotions he don't know he had. atleast for once i'll just get him to do as i say. well i guess i'm not much open for suggestions but i want him back to what i loved.
sorry took forever to respond. we had a convo for how long i got mad cause he didn't respond properly, and well doesn't matter what i do, if he doesn't want to, he just intentionally make me mad to have a excuse to avoid the issue, and he really isn't thinking of anything as i can see yet.
sorry totally bugged out new question. i went back down in apartment and then i had noone talk to and i'm in a cold, i'm freaking out lol. possibly 2,5 hours to wait for bf to pick me back up. and i cannot even go to teh gas station for something now.
terrible throat and caughing and peeing. nose runny every 5 and i'm panicing cause of it, totally cant take this on my own lol. need something for my throat and don't wanna walk over to the gas station.
hmm sigh, just camomile tea, and coke, aloe vera. got some acetylcystein for the lungs.
wonder how to stop peeing all the time my body is full of water. it all goes straight through when drinking.
i have issues push it out, have to lean over most of the time, but when i cough it goes out. not sure if it's more than when i drink, i had 5 litre of water going out the other day. so lost 5 kg. but i also went up 5 kg in a month just from airy stomach and water and whatever.
cause i went from 103 to 98(10 pounds) in 2-3 days. i'm not getting anything else out not enough fiber. i also went up the 10 pounds in a few days.
just drinking coke, 1,5 litre in 2 days, and 6 cups of coffee. so 1 litre pr day? 1 coke slurp is 10 seconds of urine. it might be i've drank about 2 glass of water as well.
well yeah taht's what i mean, i had one morning 103 kg, and next morning after toilet 98, going to toilet every 5 min for the time being. so what i figured is that i had 5 litres of water in body that shouldn't be there? i drank 1.2 litre. i was doing a minifom and a waterthing tho a week ago to get rid of the air thought maybe it was water, but i haven't now today. what's wrong with me, diarhea? or is it cause i had much salt and then not enough?
oh crap, hmm i bend over to pee cause the fluids just falls out not me pushing, unless i cough and then the fluids going out directly. can the air cause that? can it be it goes into some vacuum and then back out when i bend oevr?
peeing. without any contraction. is it possible it goes somewhere it shouldn't be?
i drink 10 ml and and then i pee for 5-10 seconds. i keep caughing tho so something is in the diaper.
well if i go to toilet, i have to lean over to get something out, and it's not really going out when i push but when i lean over, it just stays in there and then falls out. way more than usually and other times nothing. but ye stress incontinense as well. does it just mean i'm unable to get it out unless i go right angle? but why so much water? i feel dried out.
mm. but how come the air goes out after i pee?
my stomach is filled with something. air or water. when i pee, some air goes out. that's why i took some herbs to get the water out the other day, but then the water just goes on and on for a week now. i took a chips and it stopped dripping. this can't be Giardiasis?
most likely not enough salt, and then the water just keep coming along and the air just gets more. i went to see a urinologist and they told me to check how much i pee, but i haven't:(
well symptom checker, but what i feel is that i'm not retaining water when it goes a few days in between, and that it goes straight out everytime i drink, cannot remember if i went to toilet otherwise. i got slimy throat tho, so that's why i cough. i run to the toilet now for 2 weeks just after i drink something. it might be too much salt and then suddenly nothing left since i drank fruitsalt a week ago i lost water after, also the other medicine might be have somethign to do with it??
oh well doesn't matter. i'll let him. it's really painful feeling like this while sick tho heh. btw, why would i panic about my cold, and why would i panic about bacteries. i guess i'm back to feeling something.
ahh naw, just i'm not controling my sickness, i totally ahte being sick. i was all stressed out being up here by bf, and then i went back down and noone was around to catch me,a nd then i went panicing about anything. i totally feel like a twat.
heh well not all that, the ones i thougth were coming werent going to come and my bf went playing computer without me, and then my cold just took over, and my bf and everyone is just negatiev on me all weekend and that got too much. i even went over to the place to ask if someone was coming and people went against me and said they didn't wanted to be sick, i went all crazy on soap and water. it's the same thing only a bit more advanced than my washing every time i go to school. oh well i believe the docs will have something to do on tuesday. i'm such a maniac dude. all these feelings and i can deverlop any emotional sickness out tehre.
if it's not that, it's something else! it feels like my mother has this probelm too, and my sis. when i got mad i ran away or hit someone, if i didn't get as i wanted, i whined, when i didn't get the support i needed or got to do as i wanted, i stopped eating, and then when someone let me do as i wanted i start increase eating, then when i had no control i become an infant refusing to do anything. or wahtever. when i had no control in school oer my swaeting i went cleaning myself every morning. when i get sick i find out what's wrong with me. when i get angry i dont' say anything, and then suddenly it all is out. when people told me something i would do the exact opposite.
ya, it's self esteem or self confidence and trust issues, noone ever listens to me, cause i got the habit of overexaggerate cause i have no control. when i think i'm in control i go all out. same with everything else i guess?
so i need someone to tell me what i need to do in the situations where i have no control whether it's controllable or not? i really have no control over myself in wrong ends. i really can't believe the doc hasn't said a word about it, or noone else figured. i really need someone else to do things like this for me or help me. totally feeling f**ked up for the minute. knowing you're sick is worse than not knowing for sure. is this doable?
enough to treat OCD? or lack of control? my doc said that i'm afraid of being sick. heh, i guess i denied it. you should of seen me buying baby food cause noone wanted to help me or take care of me.
so it's all the same, all anger? like throwing a rock through a window cause someone shut you out after you opened up for them but felt mistreated? i get angry like passive aggressive after that. and i do stuff cause i'm angry and not having control? this is why people have mood swings? well i'll let them treat me for it.
well things like someone touches me without me knowing is a problem. i used to tell people my mom hit me just cause she was mad, and thati sometimes hit her instead, i figured like 20 years later it wasn't true. i also choked some people twice. below madress and by eating some sand and stone whatever thing. then again i got undressed twice by people my age. then i got to know my neighbour was a rapist and i could not walk around alone. my classmates put my cousin inside a cabin once as well, was fearful after that. maybe i should watch anger management. i'm a sick person. i'll see what i can do.
ooo there's another thing i need as well. FEAR, i don't know what's dangerous, and i cannot control what's in it for me, cause i don't have control over people, and i always get upset cause i didn't know, means i get angry cause they took advantage of it. you should of seen my mother when she was afraid someone had taken advantage of me. i even feared her cause she talked to me about dangerous stuff. so vulnerability is killing me. thanks for saving me from this, now i get to do something at the center. i'm afraid of sleeping, since my throat is all a mess.
well people keep abusing me if i am on my own. since i'm too kindhearted and doesn't take the signs.
in any way. cause i'm in need of someone to watch me dealing with people, to be safe, cause those signs is dangerous if you cannot read them. that's why i become sick cause i was mentally, verbally and physically abused with no options.
all my classmates verbally abused me, all the ones i had sex with, abused me.
not really. or some of it.
well let's see. I got people mentally displacing me in schoool, people undressing me, boys who just pick me as an easy target, and had sex with me with consent without any meaning cause of me being depending on people without them being dependable, people harassing me mentally in computer games, all cause i'm not social.
i will. i'm not really sure why i got all that messed up tho. i don't know if i can be someone else than socially demented with signals, what do you think? how do i not slip the guard down and be in control?
i just believe someone who doesn't know how to react to unknown and can't figure out what people's mind is can do it on their own. especially if they're dependant on other people for things like that.
damn i feel worthless. this is why i only watch never touch and never does.
i really want someone to watch over me. how do i trust anyone?