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emotional, being a friend. computer partly, wisdom. i need personal growth and stop feeding ego. i ike intelluktual stuff. taking care of people.
they might be around but i'm not really in the picture since they're all my treatment people. i can help patients but what about me?
i know that heh. i just wanna find out what's missing with me so i can meet them and be someone, and actually do something to be helpful without crashing my head.
true. but i'm not in shape for work.
hi sorry about falling asleep. things solved a bit, i communicated pretty well with a few people on the center today and also my bf.
tried a new method, by listening to songs about depression and stuff.
even cried to my bf heh.
it's about being ok with it, and be sad when sad etc.. kinda found a few nice songs. also i found eckhartteachings
kinda nice. well i kinda told my bf how i wanted it and things are sorta ok. still got some things left in my mind as well tho.
that he should listen more to me, and talk to me of other stuff than sex.
i got him to meditate. asked questions, not really any feelings tho. for once he just let me talk, started crying and .erything was okay. it was more of a dithe trust goes twoways.srespect thing i felt on. or him never use to acknowledge my feelings. just piss me off and ignore it, not so much now lately. guess
well ya. i kinda think he misses it too. i'm way better at communicating.
well what do you think i might be missing to get out of this egotrip and just get my life back?
oh that's a while since i did that, but kinda what i did today. i reckon my doc kinda feel the same way i did and anyone else too. i told them i rather be their mate than really anything else.
ya i hate being lonely.
cause thats what they are, i don't play things different with different people. what they say to me is what answer they get back. so if they don't ask, no answer. if no talk no trust. then i just overrun them.
no i care for anyone with my life.
i do not care who i talk to. i just do what is right for them and that kinda blows up in my face if they are not honest and direct, cause it frustrates me cause i know they are not saying what they think, or know how to deal with it, cause i'm a patient. you don't say what you think to a patient. thats the f**ked up thing. but well i got 2 people being honest tso far, and a few patients.
you see my ego gets bigger and bigger the less people say. why do not people trust i can take anything they say.
well if they just told me what they think about what i just said, then everything would be allright, but they are making plans and plans instead of communicating, it's just bullshit, and leave me in confusion of everything. what's the point in a plan when i can't follow one? they have to react to me as impulsive, and just do it, not blow it up in my face cause i get anxious cause of their plans or anxious cause they do not speak, if i meet up with them, why can't they just take a direct guess, and solve it? i'd rather see 3 pages of thoughts than a single answer. why be so gentle about it? or try to convince me of a plan i have no clue what is. i want them to beat me up if i cannot get it. instead they have no time for me until i get it myself, or 5 days later, they could of just said and stop thinking. sometimes planning for someone is just fully taking up a lot of time, and makes things worse.
i just want a normal conversation, what is so wrong with that? i want structure in my thoughts so then i need a line of thoughts that leads to the right conclusions. what i tell you is my thoughts as you ask the question, why don't people do the same to me?
they make a plan behind my back on how to get me out of things or whatever, or how to treat me. but they forgot who's the important in this, and what they need to do to make me talk, and let them know what's wrong, on the same time they do not even ask, and think they know. if you had like 1000 questions on feelings and they all were asked, i'd solve it in a few days. instead i spend time telling people that they don't communicate or that i cannot communicate with them, what's the point. why do they focus on the negative and troublesome mind, rather than the simple question, just do it. i give them my wrong thoughts and they do nothing to respond.
i just need a list of things that has to be done before i'm okay, and that's all i need, and i will solve it. for that someone has to communicate and be honest about things, they cannot just play it from a hidden wall.
people are like sex to me. how do i know what is my next issue. i need a structured plan of what feelings is out there, and a way to communicate about it. with myself or with others.
i just communicate to get a reaction.
they ask me to do stuff like workouts and diets and try get me to eat properly, but i need someone to plan it, and i don't get a full plan, neither do i get a friend who i can talk to, i do'nt know how to be friends with sick people, it sucks.
also today i tried saying stuff that would help a girl and i hate being around her when she's miserable, i hate that she has to walk away all the time cause she's miserable and she would hate me if i say what i thought, and then i cannot say what's right to say, what's wrong with this people who cannot let me say what i wanna say? they're maximising our stress by not letting us be friends with people, bad or good. am i suppose to let her only think of herself, and be with herself all day long, just cause she's sick? and she has it terribad all the time, and i cannot talk to her like normal people.
do i have to hurt her just cause she's sick? cause i would if i was just honest and tried to be happy.
god damn life sucks. hate this. they just ignore it and say ugly stuff behind her back. how can we deal with a old person with ego like a kid. its just not acceptable. i really don't wanna be nice to her now, if she are doomed to be like that all the time.
yeah heartache isn't. how can i leave them to themselves. if i just get hurt over and over anywhere else. sick people need friends as well. everyone just think of themselves. i'd do anything to fix it when someone not good. you agree with me, you can't just abandon sick people to themselves and do nothing to make their life better? anyone at 30 would understand other people if theyre having a mental disorder? she has hobbies of a 5 year old or so tho. 5 year old isn't any different than myself emotionally are they? so you think i should just say it as it is and act as if she was who she is now? i refuse let her act like that.
just cause she has a mental disability it doesn't mean she get to act as she wants, without anyone doing anything to help her. right? she can't just act like she's a baby, without people saying it to her, but then she has noone to turn to! her life should not suck just cause she cannot do what adults do. going through life and feel sucky just isn't right. she cannot have a single friend acting like that, and it's all cause she knows things she really shouldn't know, and people hate her for being a 5 year old, it's pathetic.
well if i'm in treatment i deserve to not feel ill cause of someone else being there. and everyone else gets worse cause of her, and others, cause they cannot sleep at night cause of all the sounds, and be with people cause people coming to f**k up the room.
then why don't they just keep her in the room, if she isn't good for people? cause they cannot just tie her up anymore, and now they just do nothing, but getting us feeling guilty. if i feel guilty how can i be good? this really isn't good for me.
well she is, cause she are afraid of speaking to us, and don' wanna say what she feels, it ruins everything, and everyone is just mean to her, cause she's dooming herself.
how can i be helpful and be nice to someone who just would yell if i said what i thought?
and then everyone else hates her but aren't allowed to say anything bad. but they figure a way to mess her up constantly. right now she is bettre off all alone. what if she had to be like that the rest of her life, what life is that?
i really wanna cry, no wonder i've been alone my whole life, until i meet someone in treatment. i've been lonely even with all the people around me, cause they all made me feel terrible.
i'm really really sad to abandon who i was and let someone else do the same the whole of they life. its not okay someone has to feel like that.
wish they would make my life totally miserable as a kid so i didn't have to feel like this for 30 years. this is tough. some people are better off without feelings.
btw if she actually is getting mad for what you say, that really is meaning she will understand that she's doing something wrong right?
why would they then half medicate her, if she is unbearable at any of the stages.
well tomorrow i'll just tell her off and say i cannot make her life better if she acts like that if she goes on it tonight. i cannot take being around people i cannot help. she is better off dealing with it than make life miserable for others. they need to keep us away from it, to not make things worse. i give up. if it's their business let them deal with it.
everytime i see her she hurts me just from being around, just like i'm hurting her just from talking to her. got any other options but never care for someone who's ill again? especially if it's their ego, noone should.
guess i broke my own heart.
omg you don't know, i had a friend to play with last night, and i kinda tried get over this girl and stop trying to help. well today i really didn't wanted to do any of it, i don't have any plans i don't hvae any grief, i don't have any reason to do much else than be on my own doing nothing, or even just talk and have fun by myself on comp. trying to get something is just wrong when you got a ego like that. i just stay there listen to people all day long, and kinda refuse to do anything. i just enjoy chatting.
well yeah. i just don't get why i have to be doing much. in case what will i do? i don't like to see them doing stuff so much anymore. i don't like waiting for turns, and i don't like doing stuff with people, with exception sitting on ass and play computer games or watch tv, but i rather not have them interfer so much. if we can talk all day that's fine tho, i rather see people in work than not doing anything, but why do i have to be active doing all the stuff people wanna do? or why do i not want any of it? i just enjoy observation, sit and have fun and then i can do the crap i have to do to stay healthy, and talk to people when they wanna talk, but i'd rather not be doing stuff outside. once i used to go outside and then go to the bustop seeing people going by to school, kinda my favorite, or i see people play things. how can i do this in a hobby that i can do with people? i have to go into entertainment things i guess. singing and drama. or what you think? i just need people to watch me and wanna be with me. is this ego speaking again? i just don't like doing much.
it's fun just listen and talk, and see what people do. it's boring just sit there all day without something to do. i like communicating. but it has to be meaning in it, and i'm bored if people just act smalltalk. like you can talk about any hobby you got, or you can talk about you, or you can listen to music, or you can watch a tv show, or talk, then i'm okay, but i rather do something i'm interested in. like meditation and psychological chats but i need to up my tolerance, and i need to like to be with people and not be irritated by what they do instead of what i wanna do. that's why i don't want any friends over, i rather just sit relax whne at home. i like being in charge of it.
i am, cause i rather do something with someone who just wanna do what i wanna do! or being cozy. or have a reason to chat, or just a lot on their mind. or even someone who just wanna relax but talk about nothing or thoughts or whatever. someone like me! i could probably find someone in priesthood or wherever, if i did that. discuss something, politics, or whatever, or psychology.
well i have to figure what i wanna do so people can do it with me. so they don't get bored by me. anything that can be discussed or anything that one can just sit relax. or even group settings i love, but need a reason to chat heh. like if we did a limited activity, not tv, but that activates brain. or a psychology activity or a party, or being around people wherever. i just need to catch people's interest, and make them talk.
it don't have to be, as long as they're laughing or having fun, or where i talk about something. we need to have fun:) i need to start a topic that exillerates, and that everyone can relate to.
well i got all these sick people relate to, and people treating them. i wanna spread joy, so noone has to discuss their jobs or the tv. so they wanna be around.
why can't they be entertained. the treaters get all exhausted only dealing with negative people. how to entertain negativity? they force me to be positive but do noting to make me feel positive, or some is able to. dunno what they are doing. i i cannot be negative all i say have to be positive. its funnier entertain someone that need it than someone who got all they want.
thats what i need to find out. something really silly, that you can go on and go on and never stops. just to make them relax. what fits for all people. what is so funny one never gets tired of it?
twenty fun questions? i just need to make a mental disabled 1-5 year old inside relax. or a 20 year old. i can do some of both. have to not require speaking or thinkin. things like singing works, but i don't know why. but it gets too much for some. also what would make a schizophrenia girl relax heh. also how to make a really smart person but with disabilities relax. she's being controlled by everyone around her. wtf is wrong with me. i so wanna entertain! i believe only thing that makes them stick to things that they don't do much at all, some of them, but some just need to be enterttained verbally. we can like play yatzy for a task.
ok so i do that? or someone else, i'm not sure if they can speak all of them, or can relate to it. but i need a starter to get them in the mood, so they stop thinking negative, and just don't care what is going on, and not get exhausted by it. i don't think i can do the thinking of thing, unless it's really easy to work out. hmmm maybe i can ask questions in some way that makes them laugh? jokes that anyone gets? as long as people laugh everyone is having a ball it seem. the schizo girl has to laugh tho! not sure if she's just mentally disabled tho. some of these people enjoy things like tintin, 3-5 year old show, childrentv.
pantomime hmmmm. maybe that's a cool thing. but some of these cant even read, but they got someone with them. oooh i see, i cdan use pantomime also in group setting, and make a funny one heh.
but what can i say that's really funny to make a start? i am so bad at this lol.
thank you we will have fun! can't wait to see people start doing this lol.