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totally not getting satisfied. from what you seen what is a possible task for me jobwise or hobbywise? also i got 1 week of nexium from my doc not sure why i'm still getting acid in stomach.
well. I need something i can do regardless of anxiety or stress, currently losing my mind every morning, and i'm totally losing it over small tasks in home. I really need to step out of it. my body is like so stiff every night until i lay down, then after a few hours watching tv i'm really frustrated, cause i haven't done much. i need a goal. currently not able to read a lot.
everything i need to do in the house. organisation of the kitchen/table i'm sitting at, cleaning the house, washing clothes all the plates that need washing in dish washer, getting out of the dish washer, closing the door when i gonna get out, people coming by to help me, and i'm totally exhausted from walking inside the door after a night at my parents. even eating is a problem, I hate this. every time i get anxiety/stress i am falling apart as well, can hardly get to the kitchen to eat, can't read much, sometimes i dont' even can watch tv. I can't remember closing the door, getting the mail etc.. i'm living on 60 m2, and i can't handle it. then i get bored from nonintellectual stuff. sitting up right up in the chair is a problem.
well i need a hobby. other than watching tv all day, i can't even move to the center i feel, cuase i need to be happy, stressing out like crazy walking around, and they just keep telling me what i need to do, or ignore things i say. moving outside the house just exhaust me. i need to get this stress out on smething, cause they will not get it, until they see y needs can't get anywhere.
nothing i can do now.ok please tell me what i need to do for them to serve my needs and only destress me.
ye, then what do i do to fill my days cuse i think i'm about to just stay in bed, and forget all i need to do. i wish i was catatonic.
3 weeks with meditation and was out every morning to see those peoples, not doing much. I need to stop doing everything, and the social stuff won't work as long as i'm not fit, and without their help i won't get there. If they only could take me where i needed to be, and not let me force myself to go everywhere and do the house as well. If only someone would give me emotional support. that's what i need.
that i need to walk 600 feet back and forth and do the house and eat.i did neither of them previously. also working out 3-4 times a week. having to sit up while out is killing me. and bf isn't there to support me.
no, just stressing me to do all that, and not get any needs met. everything is killing me, its stressing not to be happy. i need someone with me for mental support.
no. someone to help me achieve things, other than things i can't do ,someone to cheer me up when i'm unhappy, someone to touch me when i want it. someone who wants to be with me. someone to give me plans of what to eat, and someone to treat my pain, my head and soul, someone to cheer me up with talking about real things and get me out of misery. All in all it's my fault not asking for what i need, and i just put the task to someone else finally. Now it's up to them all to fix it:)
I still don't know what i wanna do about the social stuff, but atleast now one of the center women knows what i'm dealing with, so she said i should of been on psychiatric, which is exactly what i've been thinking forever. Kinda isn't up to me to fix me, but to say what i feel. finally i've quit put my face on everytime i'm upset, so she figured. she will talk to the doc for me.
yes active lifestyle psychology center. cognitive therapy got too much for me, without someone i could speak with often and without basic theory. 3 people on 20 people is just not enough. i basically did what they said without standing up for myself. i've been controlled by people all my life. imagine all this people and noone has guessed what is the problem. i guess the doctor will fix this pretty soon now.
if someone just would of known.
so what impression did you get from me mentally. i wonder if its the correct impressiion.
naw i didn't with probably exception of my grandma's death. selfdefense. i cried 3 times this month i never spoken directly to someone. ofcourse i did tell a teacher i loved him. so did i tell you anything`? would i be in a psych ward?
most probably yes. let's see. first of all I never spoken about how i feel, next step, i'm totally independent intellectual, but depending physically on everyone else, as well as mentally, I have all my life depending on other people to make me do anything, i always just gone around to please everyone. I never in my life done anything for myself, first time i told someone how i felt in 3 years was today. first time i felt well about a conversation was this week, i carried all my sorrows with me, without telling people, and i never trusted anyone but you, cause they're totally not fitting my style. I blaim them all for shit happening to me, and i never let them get onto me, i carried so much darn, i can't believe this.
the reason i'm fat, the reason i can't do much is i carry all this crap around to feel better about myself and i totally lost myself.
how can people know how i feel if i dont' tell them exactly what is wrong. How can i mindread someone else's thoughts without actually asking. Gonna try make a plaque for this to make sure people are looking for the right signs on next patient tho:)
no clue. i don't know what is left? I told her and i need someone speak to about stuff, that can fix it. I still haven't said a word about anything to my parents or sisters or kids, or spoken to anyone. well now i finally can get somewhere if i tell them all how i feel. atleast they understand why they didn't get anywhere.
hope so. I hope they will find a way to treat me, the reason i want in psych ward is just that while i get treated for overweight and until i can do something useful, i need people around to help me with feelings and struggles so i can actually depend on myself. right now there's just people who helps me with food without any theory behind. I knew all along what i needed to do, but it all just stressed me all together. I might be able to do something myself now tho if they tell people and help me. maybe they have different hobbies and people who is worth talk to and that can challenge me. right now they're all just sick and can't talk about anything.
well she will talk to doc, it will solve. I will tell them exactly how i feel, i don't know what i can do anymore, other than trust that they will do it for me. I put the words into her mouth today and she was totally on the same line as me, totally getting what i was saying.
can't believe i did not do it before, imagine how much easier it would of been:) We are like twins:)
hi you, back yet? i'm not sure if you're busy.
ok you know i got one uncertainty left.
if the doc and everyone just started ignore my needs is it cause they understood what i were going through and that i was too stubborn to let go of it, or is it cuase they didn't understand what i was going through. Cause i think they might of just done the right thing. maybe they understood that I was not controlling myself or anything(trying to control how i felt by trying to be helpful), and just did what they told me for no other reason that i wanted to be well, but suddenly i had enough, and maybe they knew that i would have enough when i was at the new place, and then i was ready to be healed. cause i've never listneed to anyone but myself, and suddenly when i ask for help i am yet again healing. I had no real reason to be mad at them for anything. My worries nearly killed me, how do i let go of that life?
so you think that they knew? so you say that you tried as well? but i couldn't let go? I needed someone to say the right stuff, that's why i didn't let go, cuase they were unaware of the rules i made. I really should stop making rules for everything.
if you did, i'm awfully sorry for the pain i let you go through.
so i stressed myself to roof to get well lol and then i got ready:) thank god for yours and everyone's existing. i really need to give you all a hug. I can imagine the pain, cause I had the same pain. I hate my rules. how can i make so unbeneficial rules. also you know they acted teh same way i was, to make me get it. You know you really disturbed me for quite some bit, as well, cause i knew that whatever we was doing wasn't really doing anything, but still i had to talk to you, me ready, your my best luck:)
Jesus christ, what hell you need to go through to get out of your own rules, so what am i missing doctor.
yes. I know. totally. how did i get so far into this shit? I'm the worst patient ever. btw you know why i did not wanted to talk about feelings? cause other people are my life, i would not ever think of hurting them, until i totally fallout, and i knew it would hurt htem more than me if i got sicker.
so the real reason i didn't tell them was cause I needed them to tell me the truth, and why they were acting wierd, cause how could I guess? so the only problem i had for months was them acting out wierd when i was around, and i had no clue why. I didn't really see that i was doing the same thing. i did tell them actually i could not talk to my doc about feelings, so i really don't get why nothing happened to make me open my eyes? if they did not tell me the truth why should I? all i wanted was cooperation and understanding. guess it's life that what you give you receive. damn i've been worried.
well they could not help, without telling me how they felt:) I needed to know, cause i just see that they were doing everything on purpose, but i had no clue why, how could I guess? They reacted to what i said, ofcourse, but how could I know what was wrong? all they had to do was ask. I just kept going on about my own stuff cause i was in denial, but ye this is my own rules, they shouldn't need to tell me, but how can i get treated if they don't ask what is wrong? I knew what they said was helpful but i could do nothing about it, cause my brain was full:( they should of just ignored me and told me the truth. I suck. god i really do need some help. well that was what i was thinking. why do everyone have to hide their feelings for me, that's why i'm in denial:( I didn't see the splint in my own eye either ofcourse:( this is why i claimed that people should talk about how they feel instead of putting up a mask previously, why did i put myself in that position? You receive as you give, why did i have to teach them that.
ok i tried to tell them, that they were right about everythign they just told me, but i also tried to tell them that i wasn't ready to do what they told me, and then i got stressed out and i could not tell them cause asperger says to me that i should not do to others what i don't want them to do to me, and i knew it would be hurtful if i told them what i was thinking(about my ego and how i felt about it). I put my own problems on my shoudlers and i couldn't see the splint in my eye, that i did the same thing they did to me, cause i wasn't truthful, and they were not truthful. they should of told me how they felt and i should of told them how i felt, but they thought i could not take it, and treated me as a child instead. all is my fault for not telling them. so then i had enough and cried out every week. I knew what i was doing to myself all along:( i just disrespected them as they disrespected me. Why do I have to give in on my rules if they don't open up and tell me how they feel, i really don't know. they never really should have had that responsibility to put my pain on their shoulders. I keep telling them what i needed, instead they just go on with their plans and ignored me, so how can i feel that i can say anything to them? i made them aware of all issues, and noone tried to treat me of it, other than ignore me, how can that be helpful?
I know this is completely irrational, is it my ego speaking?
and you can tell me all you want, i'm not going to break down. people think i'm weak but i'm strong cause i could carry all these feelings for 30 years, i can take another one:) please tell me how you feel and what exactly am i doing wrong.
yes yes i know, i never in my life told anyone how i felt, and noone has told me how they felt. why should i sahre with anyone who won't share with me, i feel it disrespectful.
exactly. then how could i know how? why do you think i want to help people out? i need to know how they feel and think. why do noone share it with me? hey you did, and that was pretty awesome, only way i learned about myself. i totally love kniowing how you feel.
not really why they were angry or sad, they just cried or got mad. i have been study it in books and movies that's it. I told my friend the other day that he had the right to be angry. it helped he hugged me 3 times!:) today i said that my other friend he should start thinking about himself a lil, after our lil chat with the activity center lady, and that i thought that he was very calmful to be with. I think that's the first time i started a convo lol:) Well then you see why i'm so insecure about sharing feelings, and to never to let it go to someone else how i feel.
i tried to do that, and that's totally annoying, but if these people knew how i felt, they would of shared how they felt. so i'm sure i will get to hear plenty on monday:) I was so negative, damn, and stressed and negative and blocked up, and noone wanted to listen to that. I had no way of sharing the feelings either. you know i had no life but other people and their lives. ofc i thought i was always right and stuff for a while. god i'm lonely as f**k. the treatment is telling me not to share feelings in front of others either.
ok I completely love your help and i am sorry i did not share with you, dr chip, you're always gonna be part of my life. You're awesome.
beerhug my friend:)