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hi you. back yet? wrote for you in meanwhile.
Well we had things going and things were fine, but then i realize that I was actually not trying to get help, but be a person and i needed care to not feel alone, damn i've been so lonely, if it wasn't for you, things would just gone bad. Ok so i had issues talking to people, and i am still very stubborn, and i wanted to help myself, but maybe it's just an excuse cause i didn't do what i wanted the most, all cause you're in a poor shape you kinda block the most important, your happiness, and your intelligence, your wisdom. All cause it's all happening cause you're you, you just need to accept that fact, but luckily i got a lot richer as a human being doing whatever i did, and now i know what i might be wanting. I've always wanted people and i just need a way to get there and meet them. The only struggle i have right now is where to find the people i actually wanna be with that can giv eme something, so i can give to others and teach them what i know. Without people you're just a lost soul.
Well first of all i wish i had a way to deal with people with the frustrations they got, without actually talking, cause if i start to talk about stuff i've done previously that surely ain't gonna work, cause they do not understand how much it would give them, you can't really say that life is gonna be happiness all the way, cuase that's setting the goal too high, and being serious about what you want with getting people on the right track cause that's what you're here for, but if they become upset by your negativity(feelings talk), then i need other resorts to make them feel allright. All i want is make another person happy every day, cause that's just the way i wanna be, but my person has to be able to as well if they are gonna do it. I was so afraid, of not succeeding, i let it get in the way of getting things done. Noone is actually trying to do what i want them to tho(accepting ithat peple ain't doing as you want at all times is kinda scary, but sometimes you wish you had someone that enjoyed what you enjoyed, you seem to be one of those). How do you make people care what I want them to care about, and not just make their own plans? I tried for so long to make them listen, but it's quite a waste. I need to councellor them to make them help me. Not all of them but most of them. Maybe they're just not my people.
most people has a tendency to close in, and not wanting to talk about emotions, so it's kinda tricky, cause i'm being told not to talk about it, and then i'm out of things to talk about. The main problem is that the ones who suppose to treat you isn't at all succeeding cause they are so stuck on their own agendas. Trying to help someone without allowing them to feel is just the worst thing i've seen.
well what happens with the ones at center is that they're trying to avoid me being there, instead of grasping it, and listen. when i go to the doc the same happens and i'm totally ignored in a human way, they just act as if i was crazy and try to get me out of it, instead of listening. Then at the treatment center they told me to stop being negative around people, cause it might interfer with them, what is their problem with sick people being negative, if we don't get treatment that works why would we be positive? so all i can do is treat myself, and i got one asperger lady talk to, and she didn't think that was necessary either for several months. I'm being ignored whatever i say, and they do not try to listen to me and get things in order. insteda i just keep complaining. I got so angry, it's not like i need their help at all, just being lonely.
it's ok, i figured it out after a pain in the stomach forever after i see the doc, he actually took me off some meds that was the reason for it heh, but then i told one of them and they got him to give me another better one. Well i still don't have enough energy for all this walking back and forth. how can i get to know all personalities so i know who people are without even needing to ask? only this way i can know what will build their selfesteem. how do i invite them to private conversation and allowing them to be unsocial until they stop being unsocial?
i dont i just reacted to people who said that i could not talk negatively around someone mentally unstable like myself. so if she is happy just cause they fool her into be happy and then once they do something we both don't like, we are both reacting. and then we are told to deny our feelings and not act upon it. every patient should be right noone should tell us what not to do. and we should not be told what to do. they're denying us to be healthy. if noone in the town is normal how can i relate to them?
well 3 examples. 1) I asked a friend of mine how's he's feeling and said something he thought me to be shrinking him, so he told me not to shrink him.
2) someone at the center keep not telling me what is on her mind, cause she feels she can't, and then she keeps trying to protect me from problems, and do not tell me the truth, instead she's pushing her agenda through telling me that i should do this instead of talking.
3) someone at the center i was worried about for 2 weeks cause she got mad every time she was in the living room, and then she's being sent to her room dozen of times, or told to go back there cause she's upset, then she's running there, and don't take being with people, cause she doesn't like being mad arpound people cause they told her that she could not have feelings like that around people. So i told them off when i was negative twice days in a row, they told me not to be negative or talk about negative emotions, cause we're suppose to be happy around eachother, so i told them both off. and then she got mad at me for nothing, and 2 days later we're fine, but it's not ok that people is made to be antisocial just cause they're feelings isn't normal, and i'm not allowed to talk about it cause the people working there doesn't want extra work, and that's just bullshit.
the doctor kept saying to wait for this institution and it's not what i need mentally, so i payed thousands of dollars for having a chat with him and then he just denies that i have physical problems, and denies that i have social issues, and is lying to my face, they all are. So i came down here for what? nothing? I cannot do what i want and i cannot get people to have fun, cause they're in the way, they're always in the way.
no. I do not have a chance, i got put in a institution, noone wants that, and i'm stuck here that's the worst thing of all, i'll just make my own life, f**k it, it's no chance that i get well dealing with people who is working against me. if even the treatment people can't cope with people what can i do? well tell me what to do to fix them. I'm certain i'm not wrong about them going about things in the wrong way. My depression started cause i got all messed up about social issues as well as being in my own home eating pizzas and not dealign with the house, and then now i realized that I need a life, and that the people around me isn't well enough to listen to me, cause that's the only thing that make me sick, they are not my life, and i can't realy deny that, and if i don't meet other people i'm gonna get sicker.
the idiots thought i needed habits fixed, and i do, but i need a social life, not habits, who needs habits if they're so depressed from not having a social life? and noone is helping me having one, they just make me feel more and more furious from not helping out or listening and fix it. who wants to clean their home for nothing? I needed someone to listen to me most of the time, and stop sending 20 people to me doing things for me, it's really really stupid that they don't get what i need, or wants to listen to what i say, that's all i need.
"there is no reason to live if i don't have the life i want, why would i clean my home for someone else then, who cares if the home is clean if i have no reason to live, i never cleaned the house for myself what's the point. now that's depression."
I do not do anything related to home situation or remember things that in eed to do, that's why i got placed here, but why would i remember all the things i don't care to do, or why would i want habits when it's what making me sick, all the stuff that i need to do that's useless.now that's the nomade in me, what is the point in working for nothing but looks.
ok so the next step is, i'm too wise for them to see that i'm getting sicker cause they are not listening, they are not doing their job, and they are not helping me, they are suppos eto, and i try to make them do their job, if i actually got the help from them i'd have no problems, cause i just want them to be fixing it, and that's why i do everything in my power to make them fix what is happening in there, instead of being well.
so is it my job to make norway treat people in the right way? not really. This is made to look like they treat someone to spare money.
why can't someone help me or listen to me, cause they'd lose their job if they listened to me:(
i don't say that it's useless. I just don't see why i nee dall this crap in my home for it to be a home. it's not really making you feel better, to go all nuts about how it suppose to look. i'm so misplaced i can't even think of anything that's worse. why are we not working in a farm instead of all these goodies that makes things so easy for us. Who cares about their home so much that they need to use all their energy on making it clean. Or spend all their energy on being positive, what's the point? it's just a human thing that everything has to be perfect, i complain about things cause i think it's worth to make a change, now i just need to find a way of dealing with this nonsense. i am right aren't i? we're not suppose to have 100s of things to make us feel better and then forget what we're here for, we just become so poor doing it. Ok so i bought what people expect me to bought, when i could of done the cleaning and done what i wanted with it, avoiding me feel frustrated cause i actually are doing something not just putting it in the disher.
I don't know, i'm brainwashed. I want people to stop thinking that they need a plan doing stuff for someone, and do what people expect them to do, and help people. we need a class for people to know how to deal with people. All i can do is getting a degree, while having fun playing computer to not go all nuts. I just wish i had someone that followed my ideas. i need to figure how to get people to understand what i want and what people need, i can't be only one in the world thinking that the treatment is off and extremely risky. having a life as priority is just garbage as long as someone's sick and not getting what i can get just from looking out the window.
the only thing i can do is continue listening o them as if i were nothing, and then fix it. you got a better suggestion than to play shrink on my therapists and get them on the right track? good thing people don't get me:) guess i'm my own therapist. i just play out what is beneficial.
be honest. what do you think? what is wrong with my thinking?
ok i told my friend at the center. listed things from dr. burns book feeling good. feel so much better now.
Do not take in everything I say, but I have not chosen to be in the clinic for no reason. I need too much time alone with people, and it is not I, and I have a difficult to relate to sick people because they have problems with the same moves, so hoping I think you would be part of a plan that can socialize us some and take it further cognitively. they are all terrified to talk about the problems and then must do something about the problem, so it is important to have some control over what people think and do something about it. I got shut to conduct myself as a psychiatrist, but that's just what we all need. When you can not make it work, you need a person who can do it do it, inviduelt. I can not say anything at any time. At the same time I have a need to do what I'm good at, and talk about what I'm good at, and it's not something everyone will notice, that come mainly that you have a conversation partner who has the same needs as you myself, for me as for the health and psychiatry. I think that the problem has arisen because I have not been put forward what I think about most and that people do not ask what I am concerned, but I walks up with most istadenfor to sei what I am concerned, for no one will actually right that one is eternally concerned about what others are thinking and feeling, and that is the most important in life. Therefore, I am very lonely when I try to do something about this and not quite manage to reach. So now that is the problem what is it exactly you can do, and where to find a person you want to talk to who has the same need. When you see enough that most of what I say is psychological need to find a way out and that I have been in my eternal trance to make others tier. I have tried to tried to do all to please, and listen to what they have to say, but I have found that this does not go alone, so I make excuses on mental health for you to understand that you do not get well, and that the way things are done is not good enough. I understand everything you say if I do not, so you can trust that I know what is needed on this front too, but what is missing is what it takes to get better. I like badly that you become a wait station for psychiatric help, and that is passed on to another group to be treated, for it had you fine managed to do something, and less time had gone into trouble, so I hope that you bring it on and thinking to challenge you a bit mental. My biggest problem is when one person says and does something that is his plan when I have another plan :) When disqualifies one another without thinking about it together. Therefore, it becomes exceedingly acidic that the people who are here on facility have the same problem, a plan and no possibility that I can do something with my life in accordance with them. It was exactly what I lacked doctor and you, too, and I missed. I can see that you are thinking something without saying anything, and you come with your own plan without determining to what I say.
i just told that to my friend at the center. SOoo much feeling better now. i know what's wrong. I depended so much on them that i was afraid to hurt their feelings and mine. Poor doc got to pay for it. I love them so much i can barely talk to them. that's quite a burden on my shoulders, imageine all my life i've not been able to hurt my friends or say no to them, just cause I can't do what i wouldn't do to me, and my emotionset is all messed up.
yes. I depended on them for how long 3 years? and well all i meet is also receiving the same treatment, except possibly my family, but after asperger everyone but bf. so i needed 10 people to get through to my own needs. my bf, doc, you, psychiatric care and the psychcenter a few of those + 30 people went by me in this center in 2 months. Heh imagine if i only would need one. hah there is a lot i can take, but 30 people at my doorstep in 2 months trying to help me is not one of them. also imagine this all comes from a messed up bible view.
heh what do youthink with my brain not able to cope with everything. i just wanted to talk about how i felt, and howthey felt.
yes. there isn't much else to do. I need friends, meditation, workouts and chill outs. imagine how my body feels, also i'm knitting and i'm talking to people.
not close enough to good shape, so i'm a bit stuck in downtimes when others not around when i'm over there. but ya i'll get used to being around people who doesn't wanna noise. I need to find myself a friend who talks nonstop tho.
ok i made you a poem.
I walk into the room and there you are and gives me of all your wisdom in the world. I take a long walk home in a shadow world and in the end i find a door, going straight into the woods and open my eyes, to the beatiful thing called world. My eyes were fogged for so long, finally someone pushed me through the door until i was home. All you need is some love to push you through the world's secrets and be home with love in your heart.
well just as he or she needed it. Liked poem?:)
check further up:)
not very poem like lol:) Words is a strong tool you don't need a poem:)
so where were we. My dream is to see every single human being and make them feel safe.
how do you not feel unsafe all the time?
sorry i fell asleep
if you're afraid of everything in life it's hard to not get why someone is feeling safe. i had a list of 8 fears the other day revolving everything in life(social stuff), people and how i feel. I guess i got past a lot of it by talking last night. I need some way of getting info about the people around me, just from what they say and do, i can take a guess, but it would be helpful with all these sick people to figure what are personality types and how do you get like that. I mean to say the right stuff on the spot, when they are unable to say something i need to know still, to avoid worrying.
yes. like I am not like them, like i want to talk and stuff, some want to talk but get not listened to, some don't want to be with people, how can I imagine how that's like. also how do someone come with fantasy outbursts all the time and how can i think myself into what he's doing. same goes for other people how can they get so tired of talking. who am I if i am not who i was.
yes. so i don't have to guess, and can understand what are they're thoughts and feelings. Sometimes i think i have a sixth sense tho. One of the guys got spirited up from being mad cause i said the right stuff, but that was more accepting how he felt. I think i did the right thing with the lady at the center too, she got a bit tired of talking tho, but we both had headaches.
so how do i take a deep breath and experience other people without saying much? also how do i keep myself from doing the wrong thing. what do you say? tomorrow i have meeting with 3 people helping me, and I nee dto tell them what i want. how do i know? sorry a lot of thoughts coming along.
that i need social contact with someone who acknowledge me, that can teach me who people are, and not feel miserable doing it. Get me out of insecurity and say what is right to people.
I'll see you later, have to watch movies and sleep a lil. thanks for listening.
you going home soon or? i'm losing my senses again.
yeah. no matter what i do, nothing will stop me from seeking someone to be with me. I need those kisses and hugses, how can i live without it? My bf is not a fit, for the time being. I need a babyhug.
yes, and not be alone, someone to rub my back, and want to be close. someone that only cares about how i feel. it's a bit sexual tho.
i'm totally losing my mind here alone, it comes back every time i'm alone. I go have sexual frustration and feel lonely, and i have dreams about everyone. ok if you see this picture:
you go out in the morning and then you come home and all you want is physical touch, then you start distract yourself with sexual dreams about someone who just want to feel for you and give to you, and then you get dreams about being the same for someone, but right now i'm totally out of it, i can't live without it, and i can't give anything. then you wish you had your teddybear or whatever to huggle with, but that's just not enough.
i'm afraid of having relationships cause i need those touches so much, i'd do anything for it. where is a person i can trust? what can i do to stop feeling like that?
to not sexual abuse me, make me do stuff i don't wanna do, but still wanna do those things for me?
how can i turn this around? i don't know what i can do, or what causes it, can i do something about it?
ye feels like i need a partner, but it might be a block.
well i still haven't met anyone like that, so how can i remove the need? i had sex with 13 people due to this
well i still haven't met anyone like that, so how can i remove the need? i had sex with 13 people due to this. and if i was honest i had to ditch my bf due to he can't meet it neither is it appropriate that he can control me. i have not really. the only thing i can imagine is freuds theories.
well i wasn't touched until i was 19, or just a few times, if someone touched me i was like supersensitive. i had like 5 hugs or something from childhood, and i used to suck my fingers, and then i started smoking, and then i just lost the control at 13-14, and wanted boys all the time, probably cause i wanted to be touched. I don't really have sex at all for the time being, and i don't know what to do, i can't be alone, i just get mad if we have sex cause he just can't do what i want. my bf has hugged me quite a bit, but not too often. I don't know what i can do. what do you mean by loss of control or lack of self-discipline? why would you need that?
it's a need to be touched, how do you avoid needing it? denial? i had too much denial already, don't wanna go back there.
I don' really do it, but it puts me in denial cause i don't know how to deal with it, and also I do have lack of self discipline cause I have no goals in life, just to be with other people. OHh you mean, that i try to control the sex thing? I just don't control it at all, i get all these feelings and i want to be hugged cause i can't handle being alone, i want to be comforted cause i can't handle comforting myself, but I really do have a need for someone when i'm alone. so it's dependancy? how do i get rid of it?
they didn't really discuss it with me. I haven't really told anyone, why things happens sexually. I think you're right tho, my mom said i didn't wanted to be touched.
well i trust you. how can i know what cuases it and how to let it go? by stressing myself to the roof? it helps most of the time, and then i talk to someone and it goes away. i btw can't call anyone right now, so i'm kinda stuck, that was one thing that is a worry.
well what is better, to avoid doing it or to do it?
trying to meditate on this is causing me lack of apetite, control over my feelings, wanting to puke.
well i'm about to go puke, my head is going blow up, so is my stomach.
ok I see you again later. I think i can manage, and get past it. I guess this is a anorexia response or something.