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Dr. Chip
Dr. Chip, Doctor (MD)
Category: Health
Satisfied Customers: 23735
Experience:  Over 20 yrs of Family Practice
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If i lay out a clear set of boundaries would it be ok to try

Customer Question

If i lay out a clear set of boundaries would it be ok to try to work on the relationship
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Health
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
What would the boundaries be and do you think he'd accept them?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
No physical violence and no being intoxicated. I think he might
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Reasonable boundaries as in setting the rules. Working on the relationship will be a lot more work for both of you but especially for him. Haven't you at least touched on those boundaries with him before?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
But i usually turned a blind eye when he broke the rules
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
So this time a deal breaker--one slip and it's over for good?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
It depends
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
On what?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Like if he hits me, like jokingly then i wont call it off.
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
I don't agree there--no hits jokingly or otherwise. He can touch and hug you, but no hitting at all
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Let me ask you this. If i let him back in do you think i will ever kick him back out?
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Honest answer? I think he'll break the rules fairly soon. As to whether you'll kick him out, that I'm not sure about
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Why do you think that
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Which part?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Why do you think he will break the rules?
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
You really can't be that naive--he knows how you feel about those rules way before now and yet he hasn't changed. Remember one definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over (always giving him a pass) expecting different results
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Im not insane i miss him.
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
You know what I meant so don't say something silly like that and you really didn't respond to my answer.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
But i never enforced the rules so he didnt really have a reason to follow the rules
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
You asked me my opinion and I gave it two you. What exactly would be enforcing the rules?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He didnt have any reason to not hit me because he knew i wouldnt do anything
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
And what would you do this time?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I would kick him out
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
OK--then we're back to the beginning. You should kick him out then and I would hope you would but since you haven't done that after so many times when you should have, I just can't say I'm sure you could do it next time. And just because you set the rules with the ultimatum, I just can't be at all certain that alone will keep him at bay
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Im kinda upset that you dont reel that id kick him out again. Ive done it before. And there were so many times i wanted him to come home but i didnt let him. The times that he forced me to do yucky stuff with him i realized what kinda person he is. I can take the fear of him hitting me but i cant stand the fear of him violating me again. I know it sounds stupid but its the truth
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Yes you've kicked him out before but you've let him back in. Maybe this time you will do it for good. But still, just my opinion here--I'd be extremely surprised if he could abide by the rules this time
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Honestly do you think its a bad idea? Do you think this time things could be worse?
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Things could always get worse and I can't say if and when they would. I honestly think you shouldn't have anything to do with him until he agrees to treatment, gets into it, and shows that it's had an effect on him
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
But i have a baby
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Come again?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I want to have a baby though, with him
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
You're starting to argue with me again. There's plenty of time for that if and when he straightens up.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Im getting old though.
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
We're talking a few months to maybe a year here--don't give me excuses and of course, there's always your looking for another relationship
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I will spend time making this decision. But i need to know that you support my decision and not tell me you told me so when he screws up
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
I would never say I told you so--I've had plenty of times when I could have don that and didn't. I do support your decision but it has to be an ultimatum to him--one break in the rules--just one--and he's out for good.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I got a serious question. Sinces hes forced me to do stuff before does that increase the odds of him doing ut again? This is very important for me
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Once he's done something like that and--not blaming you here--since you really didn't do what you should have done (kicked him out and strongly consider filing rape charges), he knows (or at least thinks) he can do it again with no consequences
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I didnt want it to happen. I know i didnt do what i should have but i was scared
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
I know--but you only asked me the odds of him trying to do it again and I think those odds are very good that he will
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I wont let it happen again. I wont be so easy
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
So how exactly would you stop him?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I would put up a greater struggle.
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
You really think that would stop him?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I dont know ok. But since ive let my dad and brother have sex with me why not let marty too. Im already a disgusting person
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Whoa--how the hell did we do a complete about face and slip back into the pit here?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I dont know
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
I will not accept your ever saying that about yourself again--it defeats any progress you've made so far.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I didnt expect you to accept it. Its my feeling.
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
So what are you saying here--it sounds like you're arguing with yourself against your plans to set the rules?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I know he needs rules. He cant hit me. But how can i be in a relAtionship with him and not have sex with him when hecwants it. When i let everyone else have it
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Sex is an important part of a relationship but not essential, expecially if it needs to be put on hold for a while. Just having sex doesn't define a true relationship and if he can't accept not having it for a time so you can work on the relationship then I'd say he doesn't want that kind of relationship
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I dont know if you can tell or not but im having a hard time with things
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Of course you are but it's time to make a decision and stick to it rather than sitting on the fence and spinning your mental wheels
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I know
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Anything else about this for now?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Do you think i shoukd try the prazosin?
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
I see no reason for it but of course I wasn't the one who prescribed it.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Do i talk to my regular dr about it? I talked to my uncle and he said absolutly not to taking the naproxen. And my brother is texting me accusing me of being mean to my mom
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Yes to talking to your regular doctor. Don't take the naproxen. You weren't mean to your mom. Now time to close this page.
Dr. Chip, Doctor (MD)
Category: Health
Satisfied Customers: 23735
Experience: Over 20 yrs of Family Practice
Dr. Chip and 5 other Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
We will nit be getting back together. I gave him my rules. And he gave me his. His rules are stupid and i refuse to follow them
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
What were his rules?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Sex atleast 3 times a week, one of the times anal. And that he can go to the bar whenever he wants
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
So he didn't accept your rules. What did he say when you said no deal?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He said he wouldnt hit and woukd try not to get intoxicated. He said thy it was my loss
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Sounds like no deal for sure--best for you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
So you think his rule is unreasonable
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Yes--certainly the sex one and obviously--and I still think he's a alcoholic--the saying he'll try to control his drinking
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Do you think im a dirty petson for allowing all these people have sex with me
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
No
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Why do i
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Because you convince yourself of that long ago and so far you haven't done anything to convince yourself otherwise
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Its the truth. Even marty days so
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Even Marty--you really think he knows what he's saying?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Maybe
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Well you aren't a dirty person and you certainly shouldn't take the opinion of someone who basically raped you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I let it happen. I didnt do anything to prevent it from happening again
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Stop it--you were afraid of what he might have done if you didn't let him. Let's not continue the argument here--I don't consider you as a dirty person and with time and work you won't either. And you have done something to prevent it in the future--you told him goodbye
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I dont that i agree with that. Thats how i really feel
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Feel it if you will, but you're not a dirty person and most people would agree with me. It's very typical for the victim to feel the guilt that the perpetrator deserves
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Do you think its possible that some people cant get better
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
You're not one of those so let's not go any further with that
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Do you think i dont have the right counselor
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
From what you've told me so far--and I can only go by that--no.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Do you think i just dont want to get better?
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
No, I know you want to get better just by all the work you do with me and the fact that you keep asking for my help
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Do you think im becoming too dependant on you helping me
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
No, but you still need to realize that in this format I can only do so much
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I know but you are kinda all i got
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
For now but there's still the new psychiatrist in May and for now you still have your therapist.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Im mad at myself. I know its my fault that im like this
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
No it's not your fault--if you didn't work on things anymore with me and didn't work hard with the new psychiatrist I would consider that your fault.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I dont really know that we work on things
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
We do--I've gotten you to tell me a lot about yourself, you've been working on the self esteem modules, you've taken some of my advice about what to do--not to shabby so far
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I just feeling like a failure whos not going to get better
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
That's your usual default stance, yes. And all of us--and certainly myself--have had failures in life. Failing does not make one a failure--giving up and never trying again would in my mind constitute a failure
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Last night i contemplated doing the forever decision
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Keep it a question--it's never an answer
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Im just so depressed. Nothings fun any more. Would it really be a bad thing if i did it? I dont think it would be
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
We shouldn't really talk about that and it isn't a bad thing in my mind, just not an answer. What used to be fun?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I use to have fun at work. I use to have fun hanging out with the teens. I use to have run exercising
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
You don't exercise any more? You don't hang out with the teens anymore? And where do your friends figure in this?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I dont exercise any more. I really dontnhang out with the teens. And my coworkers in Peds are my friends
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
So how can you say the fun things aren't fun anymore if you don't do them?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Because before i stopped doing them because i couldnt enjoy them anymore
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Why not?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I dont know.
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
That's still not a reason for stopping doing those things
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ok
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
You have to fight depression and not give into it
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
If i feel how i felt last night again i cant guarentee anything
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Just making the statement--the last thing you need when you're depressed is just to sit and live with it
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I know that im not dumb
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
I don't understand why you feel you have to say that--it must be because a lot of people call you dumb?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
No. Only marty and my real family tell me im dumb
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
You aren't dumb but you really need some other people in your life that are not negative and hateful
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I have you
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Yes, but you know what I mean
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I know
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Cause you're not dumb
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I have a serious question. What if i try to do it and after i do it i change my mind. Would you tell me if i needed to go to the hospital
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
You're doing it again and you know it this time. Do you want to get me in trouble?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Im not trying to do anything. I dont want you to get in trouble.
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Now you are playing dumb--you knew from before we can't talk about this
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
K
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Anything else for tonight?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Can i tell you something
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Sure--and you really never have to ask
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I talked to my icky brother last night. He was so mad at me for making my mom mad. He told me what he did was my fault and I asked for it. He said if i wasnt such a whore it would have ever happened. I said he was glad he made me cry. He said that i was nothing and will never be anything. And that he hates me




This made me so sad last night. And it still makes me really sad today
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
I understand but you have to realize that he's just deflecting his own guilt on to you. And as I told you before--even if you had "asked for it" (which you didn't)--he did it. He's responsible for his actions and not you.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Why dont you get it i let him
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Why don you get it--he's the guilty one, not you?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Because i let it happen over and over and over again
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Either I'm not making myself clear or you aren't thinking about what I'm saying--what he did was wrong, just as what Marty did was wrong and it makes no difference whether you blame yourself and give them excuses--they were the perpetrators and you were the victim
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
YOU DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Fine--time to say goodnight then. If you just want to argue with me and not consider that you're just making excuses for them, so be it
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Wow
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Wow what--I work with you all day, try to make you see the light, and all you can do is tell me in capital letters I don't know anything? You expect me to want to continue tonight after that?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I dont expect you to want to work with me. Im sorry. You know lots of stuff. This is hard and confusing and frustrating
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
No it's not confusing at all and you're only frustrated because you're considering that what I say may be true. It's called cognitive dissonance when reality doesn't match one's thoughts. If you didn't think I knew anything at all you wouldn't have reacted the way you did
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Maybe im not ready to work on this topic
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
What exactly would let you know when you were ready?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
When im ready to listen to and consider other peoples opinions
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
And how would you know when that was?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I dont really know. Do you think im ready to work on this topic
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
And you never will know--if you think there'll come a day when you wake up and know absolutely you're ready to do it, forget it. Yes you are more than ready to work on it and it's been way too long already that you haven't worked on it
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Not my fault
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Not up to now, but if you don't either start working on it with your therapist or with the new psychiatrist then it will be your fault.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
But im working on it with you. I got a medical question before i head to bed. My hgb was up to 12.3 when i was in the er saturday my hgb was 11.2. Normal? The other thing is that my potassium was 3.3
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
The Hgb change--before or after the fluids?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
12.3 before fluids friday. 11.2 before fluids saturday
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
OK--most likely it's just a physiological drop and not an indication of blood loss--if you hydrate a dehydrated patient properly, for a while the Hgb will drop a bit just from dilution in the blood. The potassium may bave been from the dehydration. Time for bed for me, so, nite and let's start a new page next time
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Will you look at my new page
Expert:  Dr. Chip replied 1 year ago.
Just did--I didn't get notified about that one. I'll go there but you should rate this page still

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