think i'm closer. i need to find my ideal self, but how do i get there when i'm relying on others to become my ideal self? i think you're the only relationship that i feel comfortable with, how do i get all my peers to become someone i really wanna be with? they're just boring me to death unless i'm the one talking. life without people who i can relax with is just superboring. most people isn't outgoing enough or too stiff. i love one 60 year old lady at my city, and the only one else is my best buddy from school. also there is one more at my city but i am so afraid of becoming comfortable with him, cause it might lead to something. also he just responds to me, and have not much to give socially. how do i become someone who actually don't care who i am with?
naw i just don't want to feel uncomfortable with all those i meet. right now i have no fun being with them, cause tehy're just not 100 % in personality. they are too inwards. thus i don't feel comfortable. there's a few i could be comfortable if i actually had something to give tho, or was able to make fun myself. maybe i'm too freightened cause i don't have much to make someone's day funnier. my bf is way too outgoing and freightening and boring cause he talks about the same stuff every day or just complain. what do you think is a good quality that makes people enjoy you?
thats why i enjoy you. but how do you become perfect to just anyone. humourwise and bring joy? like the guy in step by step is just hilarious. my bf doesnt like it tho. before i could be fun cause i was completely insane now i got nothing heh.
how do i get one?
tell me something funny. i think i'm capable but i dont know what ticjs me off.
this one only one on first page. what movie has this humour`?
Today, my mom and I were driving in the car going to the store. We were driving through a neighborhood when I saw a chicken and I immeadiately yelled "CHICKEN!" Within seconds my mom yelled, "MAILBOX!" I looked at her with confusion, and she said, "Oh! There's a chicken.. I thought we were just yelling out random things." Oh, mother.. MLIA
Whenever i am home alone, my dad makes me leave skype on so he can see if i am ok at all times. Today, one of his CoWorkers came up to his computer, looked at the screen really close, and picked his nose. he didnt know skype was on, and i could not hold in my laughter! MLIA
same ye. i cant really find much else atm. there is things like people making up funny words and there is things like known people being made fun of, or fooled, but i don't really laugh a lot at things like that. it's halfway hilarious tho. Laughter is the funniest thing. seeing people laugh is really putting me through hell. when i laugh i fall off the coach down into the floor and nearly pee myself. now that's a funny thing. or if you let out some air. it's 20 years since i had it happen tho.
surprising things is mostly funny.
sometimes. like what joke?
i guess not. what i laugh at is things like kids doing unexpected things,that seem grownup, like my cousin(7 year old) once read a newshow on videotape and was absolutely hilarious.
- Where does the muddy footprints come from?- I do not know, they have followed me all the time.
- Tell me, a hitchhiker asked a peasant, will this road lead me to the main road?- No, said the farmer, you have to walk himself.
crazy jokes is the best.
no clue where to find similar jokes heh.
back yet? i found russel howard.
he's an awesome comedian. brittish apollo. i can't really laugh at anything else of the brittish ones tho. btw i got a bit of standup for you.
well i watch all these comedians on the stage, and i guess i'm sexually frustrated cause every time they start talking and run back and forth, i'm at it, watching someone on the tv is erotic but going to bed with someone is just killing me. there's no fantasy in that. why does reality have to be so bad? i really can't watch tv, i'm actually having sex every time and this is bad for the relationship.
cruel joke or what?
theyre pretending all the time. making sexy moves. theyre guys, you just want to rip their clothes off cause their showing their weakness. you get to see them from inside. its like gay people or a open woman. i'm thinking the same about all men who show their weaknesses.
was just a joke my sexuality is whacked, i cant really say that out loud can I, even tho its true. basically i need more socialisation where i'm the funny one, i need to find reasons to be with people. if someone find me entertaining i guess thats a reason.
i dont know how. i talk they talk or are quiet, we dont really open up to be funny. just thinking what to respond next. i need to learn face expression and acting i think. how do you make someone depressed laugh?
no. 2 bipolar and a guy who is a bit soft is the ones i usually talk to from city. and really outgoing if we do something, but i think he's afraid of socializing or even hate it. well if i got my selfesteem back to be a funny person, we would connect a whle lot more. when i talk to tehm now and they're silent all i can think of is sex. hugs and comforting. i guess the sexual thinking is a sign of weakness huh?
why would I? i just want to be with "unnormal" people, or atleast people who understand it. normal people makes no sense. crazy people is also the funniest people around. you can't interfer with a "normal " person way of being, they're lost.
well you have the heart regardless how little crazy you are. people with hearts has gone through changes in their lifes and know how to deal with it. i like normal people too, some are just too bold. someone has to save crazy people from depression and not dealing with not being like normal people you know. i just wish i could make a own community for people who is not themselves, to even work and make money with the help they need, it's so stupid that we haven't got mental health a better option. a community should rely on crazy people not neurotypicals.only.
you're a great person cause you have empathy you're really lucky to be able to live a norma llife.
what you think i should do? to solve problems. i need ways to rejax and quiet mind, stress down and find preset plans. where should i look for answers?
for the time being i'm forced to deal with things alone. they refuse to spend time on me, and they don't want me going around there all day cause i'm bored and can't get things done. this is making me really depressed.
the ones who cant do a thing. the ones who cna do something isn't around enough for my wellbeing. weekends is destroying my mood ever ytime and so does everyone else. they keep telling me i need to learn to be by myself.f**k this for taking so long.
i just pretend i'm ok after a few min chats, but i'm not. then i sit around all day agitated and anxious. until someone is able to try comfort me without knowing what i'm going through. i act as if i can try to help someone, to feel better. i never show my emotions. i just tell them what i'm thinking. like a puppet. i'm just being in the way of their work. evertone else is more impportant. if i only was able to let things go.
no. just center with partly psychological education.
if i only was able to let things go. nothing they suggest i cand o is actally gonna solve the problem. just letting things go will. i need to show them my emotions, and let them deal wit hit. it's not my responsibilty what the ydo wit hit.
i haven't cried in front of anyone yet. what would you do if someone was at your place crying and being all desperate? that's me inside for the last years. i've cried in front of my parents and my bf but noone else for the last 30 years.
then what is bothering me?
don't think i cna do this. how do i otherwise show i'm really affected by all this without hurting anyone?
well i can't just cry. i mean like i'm affected by the lack of communication. how do i tell tehm without them getting upset? but enough to make them do something that will actually help? due to my lack of communication skills and hard time being taken care of and supported, i'm suffering making them really look bad in my head cause the can't read me. it's all my pride and i don't show emotions to anyone but family.
well i need their attention to do so. and time. my head hurts now. how do i start crying?
cause i never get done. there is too much in my head. and i'm not able to say it, it's so damn hard. i need them to understand i'm feeling something, to make them ask questions that leads me to a better mood and actually get the help i need. i just generalize it.
it won't help. they don't take me serious they have no clue what is in the inside. my anger and my pain and my sadness. i can't express it with words, other than in generalized ways. and something made sure i can't express it with crying either. feels like terrible. crying make me feel so much better and i let things go. i go for weeks and weeks pretending i'm all good and then nothing gets done. even if i tell someone i'm sick it's not working. i actually have to express it. i need a shoudler to cry on:( i don't need a way to deal with it without letting it out.
well like they don't support me. tell me to deal with it on my own and practice being alone when i need the exact opposite. they thiknk i'm good, but i'm not. the last thing i need is to deal with this on my own. guess i will tell them tomorrow i wil not deal with this on my own and stand up for myself and get the help i need. i need a darn voice rigth now:( if only 1 person could give me the love i need cause noone else is. hey did you know i'm 1-3 years old?
i didn't. i say i'm angry. noone knows i'm hurt or completely destroyed inside. don't think i even know what it means.
i'm gonna call someone to talk to, i can't just sit here have these feelings. i cant express myself like this. or let anything out. or i'm gonna just gonna forget what i'm feeling.
i really can't express myself.
i can do that. but it won't fix anything. why do i have no tears?
it does if someone responds. but it is really heavy for head when you don't find ways to express them.
i already said i'm depressed and they think i'm dealing with it. but my dealing is to stop showing what i feel and pretend. hence i'm not dealing. i'm suiciding my emotions. and get no support to get something done. hence i get this angryness.
i cannot show emotions cause then i hurt them, i don't want to watch someone crying. i get hurt then. my bf thinks i'm crying to get attention so he gets mad when i do. i done my share of crying. i pretend to deal with it, i cannot deal with crying alone.
well they feel miserable cause i'm crying, they might start cry. why do you think i don't want to say how i feel.
everyone cries in funeral. all but me, last year on my bf's dad. i don't cry anymore.
ya. it's not really normal. but here around women usually do. it's not that i need to cry, but i need to express sadness.
well what was the real issue here?
i can't really do much more alone and i hate being on my own dealing with this. but i still can't do anything to get time to pass. i am obsessing on my problems.
well he found help me with beatles so i guess he can deal with some of it, i don't think we have a future, cause i doubt he can improve any of the stuff i need him to improve. who knows if i can improve. this is the reason i want sex with everyone else. i have nothing to give him.
yes, i just have no interest from the past years.
i know this. it's just nothing is fixed unless someone talks to me. i need people in my life who can care for me and make my life happy. for now i don't think my bf is that person. i need to look up to someone.
i really feel ackward cause i just used him for having fun and to be with someone to not be alone. there's no sexual attractment. i wnat to be a ideal person, and be with someone who actually approve of who i am without making me feel ackwrad.
if only that person exists. i show him who i am, and he does not approve of it, thus i'm depressed cause he could not handle what i needed him to do. now he does, but i don't think he wants this. he's really a fantastic man, but he's not emotional enough for me, and he doesn't have the skills to deal with someone like me. nor do i..
well how do i know it's just not just cause i'm not well?
how do i know that he isn't right just cause my life is a living hell and i can't deal with it?
well no. but do i ditch him or what? i'm sick and i want someone else. how do i know it's just my twisted mind that wants omething else?
it's just 1 mile. i wasn't really planning on it, but well if i feel this way i'll probably find someone i want. we don't have sex anyway. but ya the reason i ask is if i gonna ask him to get things done so we can be together or find someone else to marry. he wants kids i don't. i know how i gonna be if i meet someone i like. i totally do not trust myself. it's unfair to let him wait for me if this will happen anyway.
he refuses to listen. i'm sick. i'm just gonna move out, he'll get the picture if i stop having sex with him or do anything for him. we're friends as long as i'm honest so hopefully he'll find someone else. that's what stop me from leaving him. i want to make sure he find someone. the last thing i want is for him to be alone the rest of his life, same with me. i'm a bit selfish also.
ofc. but i still want to play with him.
well. this guy does anything for me, as long as we are together. can't really turn him down can I? he's like the dream of most women. whether we live together or not. he wants my kids and me:( easier to control the situation when he's not there all the time tho and gets in my way. and i can control my addiction for being with someone. the worst thing is once we got out of the hands of the computer things are just too small, so if he gets a house, a job and shape up we're going to probably marry have kids and get everything dealt with,, then we can actually pay for a housekeeper as well. that was my goal 20 years ago. what do you think? sex is nothing compare to what we need and want for eachother?
yes he's a spiled brat like myself. nr.1 he gets a job, nr2 i get well nr3 buy a house to take care of things, nr4 get things we want in life and have kids. but i'm worried that i can't. and i might start studying soon instead. so what do i miss thinking that i can cope with it all alone? i need a life that's for sure. can i get a life without involving someone else and can i keep my hands off while being sick? that's the question. i've been in 10 abusive relationships before this so i'm really glad i found him and that he can accept me, he accept more and more so i hope he can handle me getting some help for myself. he needs to stop thinking that if i get friends things get out of hands.
me too. as long as he wants me. hehe maybe in 10 years we got all the kids adopted and someone to look after. sometimes i think it's selfish to wanting to have kids just to see yourself in 30 years, much better to take care of someone elses.
i don't want to childbirth just take care of all people who needs it.there's enough kids who needs me. it's one of the goals i got, to make sure everyone's okay.
if i can. how old can you be?
just hope asperger won't stop me. also fosterparent.
timing might be an issue, otherwise pretty ok. wonder what to do all night. sleep or not.
i'm sleepy. coke. i just hate waking up in the middle of the day. what do you suggest to short down the time you sleep? i want more of the day less sleep.
well i will sleep for 10-12, had 6 hours yesterday. guess i just put a timer on 3 hours deep sleep.
trying to find a way to sleep 3 hours. i found psychoactive sound to fall asleep. there is something online that makes you wake up too heh.
heh i doubt that's gonna work. check this. made a playlist the last one is suppose to wake me up, and the first one put me into sleep.
thanks. sleep well.