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depression makes you stop wanting food right? really forgetful for the time being. also goals makes the depression stop right?
so positive thinking in general is effective. problem atm is depression making you overeat the wrong stuff, and not wanting the things that you don't have tried before. Don't know how to easily overcome the challenge and lose weight. Is it a possibility that i want carbs to stay awake, cause i don't want much else. i'll talk to you in the morning if you wanna sleep.
i know. i'll try and find a way or try hard atleast. working out with my current diet would work pretty good, and more to do. I hope? i'm stopping the meds for now.
sleeping would be great, but well i guess i'm ok with being tired. you're the best for sticking by me:) talk at you when i found a way.
hmm too much riboflavin in my diet. can you get too much of it? heh i think i got an answer why i keep eating one food and one food day after day then swap.
found a nice guide
just too much milk its about 9 times what prefered is. but it seem to beokay just too little of the other vitamins, more than needed niacin. damn tried to eat herring today, but was so much salt in it:( i keep worry what i can eat. depression kinda ruined my meals completely.
ya. i keep worry what i can eat. depression kinda ruined my meals completely. but think i will just keep on to almpondpudding with bit of sugar in it and riceporridge i just hope ths is okay but ight be too little proteins. i can eat some fiber and try get some pizza sometines. also potatos will work. just wish i could get proteins from somewhere.
dont want it. too much calories in nuts why i pput it in the pudding. i just wanna puke on the thougt of meat and fish atm. i could do fish soup sometimes. i can take barely carbonades finished up. well if i eat enough chocolate powder it might solve it or milk. liver pate on sandwich and cheese might be an idea.
ya ijust dont get why i cant eat normal food.
i just want carbs. nothing else. milk and chocolate and possibly nuts to be honest, and the fiber is good for stomach but i don't really want it.
i know i can, but i don't want it, this is why i want chocolate. it's all repelling.
well the problem is that in the first place it was all repelling to me, and now i'm back to like i was 5, except i eat candy and cakes to make up for what i don't eat. just wanna know what i did to myself to make myself not wanting food again. it's not about food, but about whatever f**ks with my mind. I just want to eat normal, why do i not want the food? the biggest issue is frozen and raw food that need teaking-.
naw i dont want raw food or frozen. it has to be finished, but still it tells me this is not good, i'm gonna feel sick. i need food, i jus dont want to eat it. bacteries is spo repelling and i dont want frozen food to steak, i dont want vegetables, or do i want semifinished food tat i dont know what has in it. always something that akes you feel ill. this pudding seem safe. vegetables isn't safe neither is meat. why do i bother so much problems. once i make a meal in this kitchen i get sick. guess i know what the problem is. bacteries all over the place.
ya this is way worse than what i expected. i just made things a whole of a lot worse. how am i gonna be able to clean the apartment and make sure there is nothing wrong with the food i eat? there is no way i can do this. i'm way more f**ked up realizing what i'm afraid of. what shall i do? this is the same worryproblem as i usually worry about, i seriously need some help all the f**king time. i really love you being here. i'm going to break down. please help me find a way to clean my stomach:(
nothings wrong. i'm just f**ked up. seriously. i need help. i cannot live like this. the apartmenrt needs cleaning so does all food i eat. nothing is wrong but my breakdowns realizing what i cannot do something about.
well. do you not want to eat the next week. cause all you can see is bacteries all over the place and inside you? now that my picture right now cause i realize why i'm npot eating. this is seriously freaking me out. teres a worm in my stomach. what is wrong with me? i dont want this on you btw.
basically kids told me that i was not clean so i cleaned myself all the time to not be sweaty. my mom told me i used to clean myself all the time until she started interfering i guess. i might of used the bacteries as a excuse to not do stuff, cause i did not wanted to get it on my hands, then i went to nursing school and learned about how they spread and i really is frekaing out, cause i have to deny it cuase i can't really handle making it clean. so i lie to myself to handle it and refuse to deal with it.
well i got to know from a chef on tv that semiprepared food wasn't great so i try put up with it again, then i get to know there is horse meat in the meat, so i guess it fussed up a bit agian and remind me that i cannot trust any food that is in the store, yet alone my own kitchen that has been a problem since i moved in. I been crying i been weeping to make him help me clean it, but nothing is happening, i don't want it to be unsafe if i gonna make food in tehre. now i see bacteries when i make the meat. the more i know about what can make you sick the worse i feel. i've surpressed these feelings for many many years, they sometimes comes around and remind me. eating chips now. I need to eat something.
it's never properly cooked i can't even get a clean plate, yet alone a place to put it on to eat. also the darn raw meat is disgusting. there's bacteries all over the place, cause i can't even keep the table clean, yet alone clean my hands. well i refuse to do that to deal with it.
naw. but i assume it's just the meat being disgusting, i don't like the blood coming out, nor how it look raw, and i don't like how my stomach is acting. The plates and table is never clean enough, i guess my hands has to be washed for me to be completely safe, but i'm not in the shape for it. I keep getting sick. maybe it's not a bacteria problem but a disgust problem. It is suppose to be clean. how do i know what is happening? i really can't keep making myself more troubles or surpress them. this fear really does not ,ake any sense. my biggest fear is to not cope. apparently this is a fight or flight situation, now how do i fight it instead of flying away`? i should be worried about this cause its a problem, but how do i change the situation.
well cleaning the house is a problem but not the biggest problem. not eating is a problem. not able to get satisfied by food is a problem. fear is the problem. not able to cope is the problem, not able to accept that i'm not coping is the prbolem, not having someone to help me fix things is the problem. eating chips instead of food is an issue. I hate not being able to cope. I hate not being able to eat right food that's good for me, i have to get pass it to get slim, cause otherwise i'll just get stuck in depression. I fear being sick cause i can't handle myself. I fear not able to cope. I am compulsive worrying about how i'm coping. the life i live without coping is gonna kill me. i need solutions no more fears. solve an issue without denying it is what in eed to do, but how? i cannot just wait while my head is banging against the wall to get someone else fix it, i need to find a way of dealing with it.
denial, dealing with it and talking, but i never get an answer. calming down and forget or found a solution. but i need a ambulance mental toolkit to deal with all this crap. the asperger lady has given me a few, but i have no clue how she did it. stop your frustration won't stop your fear. i have no clue how i'm gonna survive if i let my fear go back to head, so i won't let it, it's like smoking crack to forget your daily life. all my crack is gone i want it back, but i actually do not, cause it just make you feel worse, so then i'm stuck with all these feelings of f**ked up life. waiting and coping and killing time, it's f**king making me angry. will someone help me with it already. before i go mad.
he's not here, i cannot talk to someone when they're not on work or awake either, i'm going nuts cause noone can talk normally to me, or send me to a darn shrink. why can't they just read my mind and do something. please tell me how to deal with this is you know how. I wanna call 113 and tell them to get me in the hospital. how do i do that?
cant do that on mental issues not involving death tho. and threy would just send me back home.
i always get new ways to deny things and being sent back home without a solution. i cannot remember what i did to solve a problem ever, thus i never get a single problem solved, cause noon else is helping me do it or write it down for me. 113 is just if you need to be on the hospital or has broken your leg or whatever, there is no hospital for mentally sick people but when you're being put in to rehabilitation and that's aftre the doctor has sent you further, so they can't do anything. on monday i have forgotten all about it. i can't just call them up and say i need a shrink.
cause i already called them 3 times, i had no other ways. i want the 113 to work like that, i just feel bad cause what if someone had a heartattack while i'm calling. how do i get the hlpe i need?:( i'm desperate. do you know any way i can fix things? I am sick of this effort without getting anything done.
but what shall i do now? i don't want to sit around and wait for a therapist, noone else can get me one right now. how do i get one to talk to?
no. none of them has any shrink related ways of dealing with stuff, so all the ones i'm talking to i don' relaly need, but they don't give me what i really need. they don't calm me, they make me feel worse. well sure can make me even more in denial, but fix the darn problem, noone can.
. why dont they get i need someone to talk to? why do they try to fix a physical problem instead of my mental issues? why do i need to workout to become well, instead of getting the solution now? why do i need to live like this and solve everything myself? without any help? don't mean to make you worried. i can't even sleep now cause this is f**king me up. you need your rest, so do i. love you for listening to me. now that's another way of showing that i appreciate someone who's helpful to me, so i hope you like that i think of you and want you good. the more i can give someone else the better i will feel.
i know you do. thank you sweetie. GN