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Dr. German
Dr. German, Doctor (MD)
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Experience:  MD
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Hi,My husband cant get over what i did when we were both

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Hi,
My husband can't get over what i did when we were both single! We have been together a total of 8 years, but we had a very rocky (and passionate) relationship, with several bad break-ups, before finally getting back together, getting engaged, and then married just recently. Anyway, just after we got married, he found out that during the times we were separated before getting married (after a bad break-up) that i had two drunken 1 night stands (6 months apart) over 3 years ago. Really horrible mistakes on my part! He can't get over it, i know i should have told him before we got married, but he doesn't believe me that i totally pushed it out of my head, to me it had never happened. They were 2 very drunken fumbles over in a matter of minutes and i was hugely disgusted at myself for it. I can't remember much of the detail, and he wants to know every single aspect of it, but i genuinely can't answer all the detailed questions he has. It happened, i was single, in a very bad place after bad break ups (both events happened after had another bad-break-up). I was so mortified by it i never thought of it after. He cannot get over it now, its months now since he found it and it has completely destroyed him (his words) and i know it has destroyed our marriage. When we got back together for the final time, it was very much 'the past is the past, we both made mistakes, lets look to the future.' We had the best couple years of our lives since we got back together, now he can't even look at our wedding pictures as he believes it's all based on a lie, that i tricked him into marrying me. There is absolutely nothing i can say to him. I'm at my wits end, it's driving me into a severe depression, our marriage is a disaster and we've only been married since august 2012. I just don't know what to do or where to go. He is inconsolable about it, he can't sleep at night, and has lately stopped sleeping in the same room as me, taking to the spare bedroom instead. I am so gutted about this, i never intended to hurt him, those stupid moments of drunken madness have ruined both our lives (i wish i knew that he cared about me when we split it, he never showed that he was bother about me when we had really bad break-ups, and just let me walk away knowing how distraught i was about the break ups). I don't know what will be the end of us. Help! I've asked him to go to counselling but he's having none of it saying he is too humiliated by everything i've done to him. What can i do to rectify this? He keeps saying i'm not being straight with him about not remembering the exact details of the flings, but i genuinely cannot tell him who took off what first etc, it was over 3 years ago, i was drunk out of my mind, and straight away wanted to wipe it from my memory. Please help! I don't think he'll ever trust me again. He doesn't believe anything i say.
Welcome and thanks for your question , I know this situation is extremely difficult for you .

The main problem is that he does not want any therapy at all and you can not force him right now .

I have dealt with separation myself . Sometimes the best cure for this is time .Right now ,if you continue living in the same house ,the situation will get worse . You need to give him time to feel better and trust you again.

Life can be miserable under these circumstances making the situation even worse .However , the time of separation should not be longer than 3 months .

During those 3 months ,it is vital that both of you have individual and joint counseling , it will reduce the conflict and the emotional problems you and him are having and will give you time to breathe .

Before both of you take that break , it is important to set up what objectives you and him will try to achieve during that period of time .

When you have a night stand , you need not only to apologize ,you should not use any excuses or linking that event to the problems you were having in your relationship for the affair or the one night stand, if you do that he will feel even worse.

You need to take care of yourself physically and emotionally , do not blame yourself all the time , a mistake does not make you a bad human being , you deserves love and respect. With therapy , you will find what deep problems you were having with yourself and your partner to improve yourself having a healthier ,happier life .

He will also have the proper time to heal and feel better.

If this is true love , time will heal things and you will end together ,but do not rush things , building trust in your partner again will be a long time process.

If you feel the need to rate "Helped a little" (1) or "I expected more”(2) they count as negative rating , please stop and reply to me via the CONTINUE CONVERSATION button with whatever issue or clarification you may need. I will be happy to continue further and assist you until I am able to explain any concerns or doubts to your satisfaction.



Please be aware if you give any rating below 3 stars then I will not be compensated in any way for helping you today. Good luck to you and have a good day !




When we finish our conversation if you like the answer ,please click accept so I can get credit for my work.





Customer: replied 3 years ago.


Is there any other solution you have to this other than separation? I have told him everything i possibly can, he just still says that i'm withholding things from him, that i'm still lying too him, it is driving me crazy as i'm telling him everything i can possibly remember, but he still doesn't believe me. Is it normal him wanting to know every single disgusting detail? Just to clarify, we were completely split up both times these one night stands happened, we weren't even talking to each other. So does he have a right to know all the details? I know he kissed a few girls when we were split up, and it doesn't both me, but he says he could have slept with them but didn't, and that annoys him too. He seems to think that even though after a very bitter break-up, and him not treating me great, that i would be out there pining after him. I didn't mean to hurt him, but i was such an emotional wreck i just didn't think. I thought we would never get back together. Ah! Any other advice?

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

 


Hi,


I sent you a reply to the above. Is there nothing else you would suggest apart from separating? Do you have no comments on whether or not what he is doing is rational, do you not believe he is over-reacting?

In that case , he could be certainly over-reacting ,specially if you had ended the relationship at that time.

But you have to convince him to go to a marriage counselor to receive professional help .

When people are in a vicious cycle ending and getting back together all the time , it is important to determine what you both need : from learning how to stay together and deal with problems in a mature way without accusing or blaming the other one or number two determine if your problems are product of having two very different characters or personalities .

Sometimes specially when the personalities are very different ,people will clash and fight all the time and there are situations in which finding a more compatible partner with you could be better and healthier than living with a person you are not compatible with .

If that is not your situation and you are compatible with him , you need to set boundaries with him . If you were not together when those events occurred ,you do not have to give him any details or explanations and he needs to accept that . However , marriage counseling is still vital and important so you can solve your problems through a professional mediator and find out what has produced so many break-ups so this does not happen again.




If you feel the need to rate "Helped a little" (1) or "I expected more”(2) they count as negative rating , please stop and reply to me via the CONTINUE CONVERSATION button with whatever issue or clarification you may need. I will be happy to continue further and assist you until I am able to explain any concerns or doubts to your satisfaction.



Please be aware if you give any rating below 3 stars then I will not be compensated in any way for helping you today. Good luck to you and have a good day !




When we finish our conversation if you like the answer ,please click accept so I can get credit for my work.


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