Dear Dr. Arun,
I need to write out a prayer here, because I feel that God needs to know where my heart is as evidenced by another. It is one thing to feel something in a heart, another thing to be willing to risk the exposure to another.
I pray that my ex-husband can see and feel, in a good way, that he has an amazing son. And that this son could not have been born out of any other circumstances than our marriage and every day that resulted in his conception and birth.
I pray that my son continues to keep his mind and heart open towards his father, now that his father's life is more clear of the negative influences that caused these things, these memories and emotions which were negative, and caused my son to not feel comfortable and not feel loved and not feel welcomed with his father. I pray that those things are ALL in the past.
I pray that my son still can see me, kindly, now that his father is a better thing. I pray that Kyle does not forget all the moments, all the memories, all the times where I witnessed his entire soul lighting up, whether at 3 years old, or 5, or 8, or now. Kyle says he does not remember anything, but I know he does, somewhere inside him. You don't eat apples and gummy bears at a railroad junction in Austell, when by some miracle two trains somehow join heading in the same direction at the near-same time... the intense energy that you can feel in your stomach and vibrating on your skin, is not something you forget 7 year later.
I pray that every day, every moment, is as a sum of the moments in days and months before --- proves to be months and years better than what my son has known. I pray for peace in his soul, and passion in his heart, and beauty in his life. I pray for all of his dreams to reach fruition. I pray for my son's vision. Because his vision has a pure heart, and the benefit of mankind as his mission. I am already so proud of his spirit.
I pray for his father. I pray for my ex-husband, I pray for him to finally have found what he has been looking for in all his life. I pray for his satisfaction, I pray for his confidence, and I pray for his faith in his worth. I knew him so young, I knew his insecurities, so I pray for his old age and confidence. I know his son loves him in a pure and very forgiving way - the way I feel he always needed. I pray that my son's father be surrounded every day of his life, by obvious love. I have this, and I am so grateful.
I pray that as my son grows, he not be burdened by the guilt of his parent's divorce, and instead be able to see how rich was the love that so innocently resulted in his life, so many years later. I hope my son can see himself as the ultimate manifestation of an honorable love. I pray that my son will someday see, the purity and the strength of the love that came to be his life. I pray that my son will see this and be so proud, not ashamed. Because my heart feels this way.
I pray that I will grow, more strong, more wise, more patient, and more kind. I pray that I will serve as an example of graciousness for decades to come. I pray that I could paint a picture with words, that would make my son's children and their children proud. I pray that I could leave a legacy of love that was so strong, in which every one of my offspring could have the strength to reach amazing goals... do astounding things... go to beautiful places and meet people so precious that words are lacking.
I pray, even more sincerely, XXXXX XXXXX son hold close all those for which his heart aches with both love and concern... I pray that he discover that life itself holds more promise than his more vibrant dreams. I pray that whenever he feels lonely or scared, he can reach inside himself and feel all the love that has followed him, all the years of his life. I pray he finds a forever wife, because I can tell he will be a lifelong husband - and so he deserves no less.
I feel like I could tell you these things, Dr. Arun. When he is with me, it is so easy to feel my dreams for my son, my dreams for Kyle. By the nature of his spirit, as a man he will only let good, solid women in his life. I pray that he finds a strong, intelligent, and loving woman as his wife. So in this way, I will be gifted with a daughter, too!
I feel this love just flowing out of me, it seems to cascase, of things like fresh, cooling rain. And I can feel a dance that is only for me, only temporary, yet so here and so present, and so right!!! I've written too much once again, but I am feeling this heart so immersed in a moment or moments of things that feel so simple and right! It feels like my heart is so insecure, still, yet in the midst of this insecurity, I feel the call of a long drop off a waterfall, which says, "You will be immersed, but you will be okay here."
"You will be immersed, but you will be okay here."
In my life, a calm and welcoming, safe place...
Thanks again, if you are still awake now!!! The comfort inherent, is such a nice gift...