If CRPS/RSD is a neurological malfunction then there must be a root cause or root causes. I need to ask you questions on the root functions. They will probably be easy questions, but I don't know them all right now.
I read that many people spontaneously remiss from CRPS/RSD. I want to believe that is true, but I doubt it somehow. Could I just wake up one day and it would be gone?!?
When it turns oddly white, then it is vasoconstriction, right?
The pathogenesis of CRPS appears to involve the formation of a reflex arc after an inciting event. The arc follows the routes of the sympathetic nervous system (which is part of the autonomic nervous system) and is modulated / modified / controlled by brain centers to produce changes in the blood circulation at the pain site (peripheral vascular disturbances). The pain response increases the sensitivity of injured axons to epinephrine and other substances released by local sympathetic nerves. The hallmark of CRPS is release of inflammatory mediators and pain producing peptides by peripheral nerves. Due to this, there is a phenomenon of allodynia, in which a normally painless stimulus to the affected limb, such as light touch, produces burning pain. The role of the central nervous system in the cause of CRPS is suggested by enhanced sympathetic nervous system activity mediated by the hypothalamus, as is produced by lowering the core body temperature, in the area in which allodynia occurs.
There are spontaneous resolution known and are frequent. The resolution can be sudden in a week or very gradual in months. The basic factors in resolution is controlling emotions, stress and decreasing sensitivity towards the symptoms by the biofeedback.
When it is white, there is a vasoconstriction (decreased blood supply) and when it is red, it is vasodilatation.
If there is an infection, it is to be treated immediately. Apply the povidone iodine (Betadine) meanwhile and seek a prescription for antibiotics.
The tissue which comes off easily, should be removed. You are right that dead tissue is a good breeding ground for the bacteria as they flourish on it. But any tissue attached firmly to underneath tissue should not be disturbed or forcefully taken off.
You can handle it, on your own. Kyle knows it. He knows his Mom very well. Go ahead with your trip, Kyle. Do enjoy.
Deb, keep covered it by a sterile gauge or pad. Not an emergency, but you have to watch it.
I can understand you son's sentiments. He too has faced pretty tough situation. He has been part of all this. Convince him that one would be working on more cautionary side.
I can tell you, you are very good mother. Your son is so fortunate.
Here is a strange one, that I can't answer. I'm SURE you know!
I asked Kyle if he wanted to switch to Dr. Khan, my new PCP, he's seen him many times while I was in the hospital. And the one thing my son wanted to know was why did the ARNP press "there" and tell him to cough, and switch to "the other side" and tell him to cough again? I honestly don't have a clue, but he said he'd be more comfortable if a married man did that instead of a female, and that is a little complicated for me, too... this is pretty embarrassing, but it would be good if we could give me son an honest answer about that. What is the purpose of that exam?
Just a mom, communicating a son's wonders...
Most Sincere Regards,
It is to see for the hernia. It is part of the general examination. I can understand, kids can feel uncomfortable.
Etiology is cause and pathogenesis is the process of changes in the body which led to the disease.
You are welcome, Deb.
The pain in undoubtedly severe. But you have coped up well.
Seriously, do narcotics work on the brain, and anesthesia work locally (in the case of lidocaine injections?) Why can't you have a "lidocaine pump" instead of a morphine pump? Is it because the morphine pump is relatively safe and secure once it is inside the intrathecal space? And the "lidocaine pump" would have to be floating in between the ganglion?
I really like my sympathetic blocks, and would get one every morning and told Dr. O as much. He asked why I would put myself through that (only 12 times so far) and I told him it was because it was worth it. I see him tomorrow and obviously need my medicine increased so I can sleep better.
I was being a baby earlier about the pain, I'm thinking it is really going to end up a decision I make - that I won't let it get to me unless I actually can't move because of it. But I don't like losing a neurologist that I really liked, and will consider paying up front and filing for reimbursement. He's been in hospital so far and having difficulties becoming a clinician, partly for navigating our insurnace mess. It seems pointless to me, that insurance is stopping what was a good rapport. I could tell his wife was discouraged.
Anyway, I think I'm ready to go back to bed now. I would really like your take on the questions up front.
I just had something very scary happen, Dr. Arun, I think it was flashback to the ER.
Tonight I put my son on the plane and although there were bad storms, his flight was delayed long enough where they seemed to have cleared up, at least around the airport. I got the call about four hours ago that he'd arrived safely, so all is well with that. No reason for big stress.
I don't think I have had nightmares anymore about anything, I don't know why tonight would be different, but this was so real. I don't know if I'm psychologically messed up about this except if it is going to happen again. It's okay, I think. Just wow... haven't felt ANYTHING like this in a long time...
It didn't feel like I was breathing, and that's why I tried pulling the equipment away because in my messed up head it was the stuff that was suffocating me. And there were so many people yelling, yelling at me, pulling at me. And I was in a complete panic, I could physically feel the machine breathing for me, and then it all shuts off, the images, everything.
Why after six months?!? I'm going to call it a nightmare instead of a flashback. I think I feel calm now but this is disturbing.
I'm very sorry, I'm still a little overwhelmed. Don't understand...
Just don't want to give you diagnosis or jump on them, but all of us have some scary thing happened in our lives. You had one of the worst of experience but remember you pulled out of it on your own. I say own because "will" is very important in medical outcome. So there are post-traumatic disorder, and this flashback can be part of it. Precipitated by probably bad weather, Kyle in a plane and a recent plane crash (Air France) and this can play in the mind of all of us.
Nothing bad and nothing for future.
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX It's good to live a peaceful life... :-)
I am going to try to get some more sleep. I finally see the opthamologist early in the a.m.
Regards, XXXXX XXXXX
You are most welcome, Deb,
If you remember, Dr. Arun - my first novel was called, "The New 22" and I haven't done anything with it in years.
I just today, had this vision, and YES I am talking something martketable - not necessarily world-changing yet, give me a couple chances!!! A couple years, because I can write under a pen-name and come up with a fake picture and story of my life, who would really care? as long as it does no harm, same as the hippocratic oath, no? as long as I do no harm.
This is so cheesy, but it just may work. So far I am proto-naming it, "The Broken and the Bad". Oh, God, that sounds pathetic. But it is hidden, "The Nearly Broken and the Merely Bad" because the Bad gather in packs against those they deem weak in the corporate culture, but they are actually more like vultures whose morals are driven not by societal norms but instead by the mentality of the corporate pack, henceforth, "deceit" is not truly seen as deceitful at certain levels, of course unless it is towards a member of the pack, and "lies" are not wrong as long as they protect the members of the pack. Rules themselves apply only based upon ones standing. Yet all truths must eventually come to the surface, and when some leaders find they have been long deceived by the workers they thought they could rely on the most. . . Everything the reader thinks they would know about american corporate culture might surprise you, when you find it is the character you most closely identify with who suddenly becomes "the weakest link". I will draw the reader intensely into the novel and 3/4 through the book they will find their favorite character nearly broken but substantially witheld by only their own sense of self and strict upholdance of Virtue! Therefore, it will end up a heroic novel, but not until the reader questions their own definitions of honesty and integrity, and how far they would go to see the truth come to light.
Sorry, that was actually kind of fun. Heh?
Still Grateful to You,
I swear tonight, maybe it is because I DID NOT take my medicines before I went to bed, but I had a dream as real and as similar as I remember from childhood. And I got on the computer to finish a movie, and one of my son's sons was playing somehow, I could not figure it out, but the title is, "When You Were Young", and ... yeah, no drugs involved.
But I did dip my feet in the pool, under the nearly full moon, and it looked beautiful, the precious patterns, the light reflected and refracting.
I think I am going back to bed, because I know I meant to have a point, but right now I forgot what it was. "Here's your sign..."
Please, please forgive me!!!
And by the way, thank you for introducing me to Dr. O... he is a good doctor, and a good clinician. :-)
That's great to learn some small part about American corporate culture. Curious to learn some more and all!
Life is coincidences!!
Dr. O seemed surprised that I made it around the airport. I was too embarassed to admit that I hobbled around there pretty slow and using my cane (which I've never let him see!) Should I have told him that I use a cane most of the time? I'm still, pretty embarassed about it. I'm so silly, I said, "Well, I know the airport REALLY well!" which I do, but here is another funny thing...
My PCP is a rather young doctor, educated at Sindh. He's only been here since the month before the septic shock, and when the "bigger" doctors were done with me they kind of handed me off to him a few days before I was released. But I just like him, but Thursday I was talking to him about some things over the phone, and I mentioned that I wanted to lose weight this summer, and he got all awkward, and he said, "Well, that you have to do on your own, I can't help you with that." I don't know if I'm saying why it is funny... ah, he seemed to assume I was going to ask him to help me lose weight or I don't know. But I like him because I can tease him and sometimes he thinks I'm joking when I am not. Like I laughed about being afraid for my job, and he said, "You think it's funny, losing your job?!?" I'm trying to say he hasn't been in the U.S. long enough yet. But at least he tolerates me.
Dr. O, admit the cane usage to him? Nah... or do I have to?!? Like I asked him yesterday, if I NEED a neurologist and he said YES. By the way, I will be seeing a neuro-opthamologist next month. Optho was educated at Aga Khan and then did residency at Yale and Fellowship at Johns Hopskins. She's smart as heck, but working here in Kissimmee?!? I don't get it. :-)
Hope you are enjoying your weekend... :-)
Dr. O might be wondering. He is pretty smart fellow and don't let the people know that!
That is quite funny! LOL! Your PCP is still new to New World. Migration from third world to first world takes some time!
Your neurologist seems to be very well trained. I think Florida is suppose to one of best place to practice in US states. Atleast this is what I have heard off.
Yeah, I want him to help me but I don't want him to know I use a cane?!? I started thinking about that...
We talked about you, but I didn't ask him about your projects... are things still going well?
We did three projects last month. I enjoy doing them. It gives me insight to the US medical system.
If you remember my mentor David, Dr. Arun, oh my gosh, I laid out the concept for the novel before him, and he's so excited about it. I'm cautious because it is such a new idea. But I have everything it needs. I think it is the perfect time to write it, and just so you know, it is NOT an autobiography by any means, it is an extrapolation of reality, if anything. That is what literature does, or should do... it should engage the reader, envelop the reader, if so gifted - supplant the reader for a while. Take them into another world and ask them questions they felt but maybe hadn't asked themselves in a while...
So, it's all good. You can say you knew me before I was famous! :-)
I'm feeling more comfortable than I have in a long time. I'm feeling more grateful, and more peaceful. The things I have been through, they might resonate from time to time, but I was thinking today, I am so happy, just genuinely happy, that you and Dr. O are working together.
It's like the day my son and I had the fortune of helping a butterfly out of a store. For the one time in my son's life, there was a butterfly in his hands, and the magic of those moments will never leave me. The sheer grace and awe in his eyes, as he helped the butterfly out of the store windows. You have such a part of so little things, that is why I am so stupid and help turtles out here. You drive by, and they are all tucked inside themselves because they are in a panic over the cars. And all you have to do is stop, and carry them over to the side of the road, where they intended on going. And believe it or not, turtles can actually look at you, and if God put me on this earth only to save a few turtles lives, I still think that's pretty cool. And my son, he is like the link to all this grace, I don't think I am being an example but then I see him doing things and feeling things that I know are with me.
For so long, I thought Grace was so hard to find. But it's like, just PAUSE, and then it comes on you. Just wait, and it finds you. Just listen.
And it is quiet here, and I can't explain the beauty. Can't paint that picture, or open those doors and windows like in my dream last night. But in all the time you've known me, this may be my most peaceful night...
As a matter of fact, I am excited too, with your project. I remember about David, you mentioned couple of time. Deb, start writing it, till you finish. Take my word, you are going to be a super hit (best seller). I am so happy for you.
I'm kind of excited about something else, too! Today, they gave me a cross-plan project - one that spans all of our plan responsbilities. It's not huge, but given the way things have been for me, I really see it as a chance to show I still have my knowledge/abilities and worth. I discovered already today that the impacts are farther-reaching than they had accounted for, and will therefore require more changes. It's good because I can take care of this and stay as long as I need to, but don't believe it will require as many hours as during our really busy time of year. So then, I can come home, relax for a little while, and work on my other project until I get tired. I'd like to have the other one wrapped up before my son returns, which I think will be the end of August.
And our boss's boss's boss, had some very nice words to share regarding our work, and was very specific to mention that he was talking about in all the years past, not just the last season (when I missed our biggest month because of the septic shock). I felt better knowing that someone still remembered the contributions of the prior years... I don't want to be too happy, it feels a little weird. I think what I really feel is encouraged... :-)
And thank you for all the ways you've been there for me through this. You've really been awesome...
I have that 3/4 point in the novel in concept, I just need to build the "before" and decide what the resolution is. This may be why writing is so much easier than life - you really can choose it and make it happen if you want.
I was working on character development, I need these imaginary people to fill the pages, right? But I wasn't sure what the great moment of change would be for the main "villain" - it had to be something that would make her both sympathetic yet seem like the stage had been set for her to learn a lesson like few learn in life about "reaping what you sow". So I decided upon the trauma to be purely psychological instead of physical, so that when she tried to return to her "normal" life yet struggled, she was faced with the indifference and/or laughter of the pack she had previously led, as she had in fact sustained no physical injuries. Yet she can't seem to cope up, can't seem to continue to function, and can't find any support amongst the cold-hearted co-workers she'd been "in" with for so long. By and by she starts feeling like more of an outsider, and even starts being treated like more of an outsider, which is "even worse" in the corporate world.
I see the picture of this "villainess" turned "victim" - I see it like a fall from grace. But the grace was not right to begin with... I don't know if this is making any sense, but I do see one of the poignant ironies of her story is that she starts to feel jealous, even if just little bits that she bites her cheek to fight, towards some of those in the corporation that she used to tease in order to build the pack. I've got HER well-developed in my mind, and I'll see in the end that she's alright, but not until she's been through all the hells she laid for others. She was a Bad, then gets Broken, then Made. This Trio...
I don't know if any of that made sense, and I don't want to reread it. But I feel this thing in my imagination, like an ignition; like the flash when you first strike the match... and I'm just going to let it ride, Dr. Arun. If nothing else, these things I feel and the imagination is a very nice distraction. I hope it is not unhealthy to pour my energy into work and into this other project. Work is going well, I can pretend for a while that there was never a problem, but I am sure there will be more things to deal with.
Last night, I had a very nice half-hour, there was a magnificent storm cloud, lightning every few seconds... sometimes within which lit the tall column from the inside, and sometimes it shot thick bolts out of its sides. It was like a show, it was that captivating, and it seems like these things are capable of being translated into languages that others understand. For so much of my life, moving so often across the US and beyond, and throughout the unfortunate things I experienced, I always found I could understand things by the way they related to other things. I could translate experience in me to beautiful birds, or a silly squirrel. It just feels like even when I feel the wind gentle on my neck, it is another way of the world saying - "help someone see/understand the beauty of that". I can imagine, and I can write, so the rest is left for me to experience and envision. To feel the warm water at night, and to dream at whatever age life decides for the night. Sorry, I know I am getting wistful, something - somehow ... just feels a little wonderful, and I like it... :-)
This would be very interesting and absorbing story. Write down, whatever comes in your mind; we tend to forget our thoughts. I am expecting a free autographed copy!
You'll have the first book off the press. You have helped me beyond words!
Off to another sympathetic block, then to work!
I appreciate your support so much. You are a gem.
I was walking particularly slow on my way from my car to the office building, and these young women held the elevator for me (a long time!). When I got in the elevator, the one said, "You should get a wheelchair..." and I was like, "Aw, no, she didn't just say that!!! That's okay, comments like that were bound to start someday in everyone's lives, right?!? I just got a jump-start...?
Just forget it, please. People's lack of understanding should not play in the mind.
Have a great day.
I work in a place where there is a mix of everything. Banking is interesting because it maintains it's own unique culture unlike other large organizations that I've worked for, either directly or as a consultant. I've run the gamut from casual to strict business attire (and high-heels)... where even on casual Fridays we could not wear blue jeans.
I was blessed today to be asked to stay late to help the person who took over my responsibilities. I don't know how many 14-hour days I can pull though, honestly. The block wore off and the pain came back to where being in one place I haven't had such a change in the period of hours. And I can't sleep, I have been working long hours all week, and I just can't sleep, I don't know why. I do know my mind was in "high gear" for what I had to do today... and I am hoping that our efforts will have lead to success in the morning, but I won't know right away. Today was BIG. Being asked to step in the way I was, and what we turned around (I did the programming, she replicated it) - if things work tomorrow, I will have pulled them out of a critical point. They were surprised and cautious that we pulled it off, but to do so was the only option, to do less was worse than falling short of perfect. When I get in the groove like that, where they are clear on what they need, I can just do it. So I am waiting until late in the morning to find out if everything worked. This is a big effort for which we've already received congratulations although the project has not actually been implemented. Saving face here is very important to my management, because one thing you do not allow is for your management to look bad because of something that was in your hands. I have done week after week of 14-hour days and weekends. But things MAY have turned around for me.
The real reason I am writing is the neurologist, I see him tomorrow. I told Dr. O that I do not like this guy, but Dr. O said, "So what? You need the prescriptions." But I want to tell him how bad the muscle jerks (myoclonic?) get sometimes, where if I am holding a glass, I can jerk and spill a good portion of it that way. The same as when my muscles seem to give out or collapse, and I dump things or drop things. My head drops like that too, embarassing. I want to know if this is going to get better or if I need to learn to live with it. Part of me thinks it is because of all the medicines, but I am on more than one anticonvulsant (lyrica and primidone). And I have to take more than 60mg three times a day to try to control the double vision. I feel neurologically messed up sometimes.
I have hope - I have hope things will go well in the morning with the "Take 2" neurologist, and I hope our efforts today at work will prove successful, because I know I have alot riding in this of their faith in me.
Maybe I am getting tired. But I can stop the double-vision right now! Maybe stress adds to it.
I don't want to get too hopeful, but I am starting to see a good road ahead, even with CRPS as a part of my life. Just another acronym. I've thrived despite PTSD, and I certainly can live with CRPS. I'm setting things right little by little, Dr. Arun. Having someone make a comment about a wheelchair, who knows what she meant? But not to let it bother me. "I'm a big girl now..." :-)
I hope things are going very well for you. Have a great day!?!
I'm so sorrry, sometimes I get carried away. I feel like I'm learning to be happy again, which is very nice. If the book can contain what I feel....
How was your neurologist visit?
Have a very good week-end.
My pc crashed so I lost what I wrote!
The visit actually went okay. He said, "You went to see another neurologist in between visits with me?" And I was just honest, I told him what he said to me last time, and that I thought he didn't want to treat me. He said we had a "problem of communication". He's from somewhere in Central America. I think he is very smart, just his clinical manner is bad to awful. He's so into typing everything into his laptop that he doesn't look at you but for split seconds. I told him I needed his help...
He wrote me a prescription for MG, the mestinon. He took me off primidone, I guess that's okay. I'm a little nervous about him, but at least he wrote me the prescription that I needed the most from him. But he didn't really have anything to say about the double vision. It is very frustrating at work, which is when it happens the most. I discovered that it helps to both take a couple mestinon, and also to get up, get away from my workstation, and do some long-distance focusing. I told him the double vision really concerns me.
(They scrubbed a launch tonight... I would love to see another night launch!)
I hope you have a wonderful weekend, too! :-)
Did I mention you that I have been to Florida; Orlando? I would just like to come once again to see the launch! You are so fortunate, Deb!
Talk to an eye specialist about the double vision (diplopia).
You have some friends in Florida! It won't be much longer (2010) when the program ends, so bring the family!!! One difficulty is scrubbed launches, maybe there is a time of year when scrubbed launches are less often?
I go to a neuroophthalmologist (finally learned how to spell that!) on July 8th. Neurologist said that was a good idea. I think maybe once I get used to his style, things would be okay. He just made it clear he has nothing to offer me in regards XXXXX XXXXX CRPS, and that's fine.
Come to Florida! Bring the family! Kyle and I would love for ou to bring your family here... There's plenty to do here even if you miss a shuttle launch. Why did you visit Orlano? When? The tallest building there looks to be the SunTrust tower... I worked on the 11th floor before they moved us into the fishbowl (where everyone in the bank lobby can see us working all day!) The SunTrust Center Tower is Orlando's signature building, so it says. I'm sure you would like to see Dr. O again! Summer can be hot here, though. Ha! But if you live in the near-desert, you probably think I don't know what hot is!
I mainly stayed in Disney World (four days) but had dinner always in down town (this is what you say!). I remember faintly SunTrust tower. 2004 was not so far. Old me!
I started working downtown in December of 1993, and back then I was easily working over 80 hours a week. Maybe we were downtown at same time some day! Ha!!!
And you're definitely NOT old! C'mon!
I'm serious, I wish you would come visit again! There is so much more here than Disney... Orange County Convention Center has medical conferences all the time. I am sure you would find one interesting...
If I could take you to places, I would take you to Kennedy Space Center, because even if you didn't get to see a launch, the Visitor's Center is very nice, they have a very nice IMAX theatre with various kinds of shows. But the Center also has a new Shuttle Launch experience, where it is supposed to feel like you are one of the crew, lifting off into the heavens!!! I have not done it yet, but I want to...
And I would take you to Silver Springs, near Ocala & Dr. O. It's touristy, but the glass-bottom boats are very nice upon the clear waters, you can see to the bottom of the waterway. But what is funny is the monkeys! I didn't know there were wild monkeys here! They are too cool!!!
(It's raining here now, always welcome!)
On Sunday morning, it is usually very calm at Lake Toho. I have liked to take Kyle there for breakfasts, and to sit and appreciate the fish and birds and sometimes alligators. One day, we were fishing, and an alligator came out of nowhere and snatched his bobber! My son is better at this kind of fishing than me!
And maybe we could go on the Miss Cape, my favorite deep sea boat off Cape Canaveral. I wonder if they would remember me after all this time?!? We could catch shark, and red snapper, at a minimum. Deep-sea fishing though the night, if you remember, it was wonderful for me...
I would love it if you would come - there is so much more here than Disney, I know as a adult. As a child, I begged my parents to take us to Disney, I even gave them a map and showed them how to get there!!! I was certainly an ambitious young one! But as my father was enlisted military and with my sister's heart condition, there was usually not enough money for dream things.
AND I would take you to see the sunset off Treasure Island. I would love to be able to take you to the Keys, instead, but time is of the essence and not so free. But off Treasure Island, you can walk barefoot through lengths of white sands, and I don't know why more people don't go there to watch the sunset, because it is magnificent! It is deeply peaceful.
I should practice, go back to these places again, and tell you... but I've already described a night launch to you as best I can, I think... I've captured it inside me, the waters, the darkness, the brilliant orange instant sunrise before any sound, and then when the sound finally hits you, you realize how far you are.
Just, I would give you so many of these things, if I could. Theyy are more than money, and to experience them is sweeter than time. Better than pictures, and so worth it. So if you could come here, I know one way or another you would be well taken care of. It feels like right now is a great time to be here...
You know, I'm living with this, my cane, my pain, my blah blah blah... But I really want to get back out and experience these things again. No reason I can't!!! And Most of them are absolutely FREE. They just need you to stop by, and experience them
I have what to me is a bizarre phenomenon... when I compression wrap my foot, the swelling just moves up the leg. Say I only wrap it to mid-calf, then when I unwrap it, the it is skinny up to the calf, then bulges up to the knee. If I wrap it up to the knee, when I unwrap it, my thigh is swollen.
I don't think I am wrapping it too tiight, because I still have circulation (the skin left open at the bottom does not get cold & clammy).
Is this harmful? Do you have an explanation?
P.S. I am sorry if offended by wishing you could visit here again.
I'm a little stressed that I offended you, not because of you not responding but because of what I wrote. It's just the last thing I would want to do is offend you. Sometimes I can write without thinking. I dream alot, maybe this is why I can write novels? I'm just sorry...
It is a very big invitation for me, believe me. I hope I would be able to do it once, from this back breaking schedule, God willing. And meeting you personally would be a privilege.
It is a great pleasure reading what you write.
somehow I got tossed out into the world of "All Experts".
I think I got a little too excited. Lose my brain. It would be very nice.
I think the RSD has spread. So if you make it here, I may not be walking very well? I don't know if you can see in the picture, but the right foot has puffed up, and has lost definition around the ankle. My left calf is pretty big, and my right calf is getting "biggish". It's okay, because you know I can handle it, right? Though I admit the RSD is a pernicious foe...
I could see just a small part you are experiencing. Truth is, I am clueless.
As a doctor, if you cannot give any treatment advice, it is very frustrating. I did try to search the literature, if there is something new, which can be done. No new suggestion.
It's okay, I am sorry Dr. Arun. I should not have shown that to you knowing the restrictions you have, and the poor quality photo. All I think I can do is keep them both elevated as high as possible all night, and hope for the best, XXXXX XXXXX is okay, and I am sorry. It is comforting to know that you searched the literature to try and help me - that means a lot. I am grateful. I have so many pillows that you might laugh if you saw them. In the morning, a chore is to gather them all up from where-ever they might have landed. So I am a "Pillow Chaser"...
Best wishes for a good evening...
Sleep well and have a great day tomorrow.
Through my job, I have a very nice benefit. I think it is called something like, "Disease Management" and it is meant for things like keeping hypertension and diabetes under control. But I have a particular nurse assigned to me, who checks in with me every month at least, and I talked with her yesterday. Her name is XXXXX XXXXX she is an ARNP. I've had her since sometime before December, I don't remember. She also sends me things in the mail that she finds related to my condition. I told her yesterday about the other foot swelling, and she told me it was important to call my PCP. I am pretty good about doing what I am told! :-)
I'm staying home from work today, the right foot is even bigger. I just talked to the neighbor across the street, and we were laughing at my "fat feet". I talked with my PCP (he lets me call him on his cell phone, I am lucky!). If it is still swollen tomorrow morning, I will go see him in the morning.
I'm surprised by this, but I don't think I'm scared. Do you think I should call Dr. O, too? You can imagine that I am the PCP's first encounter with CRPS. I'm not supposed to see Dr. O again until July 1st.
The nurse was very concerned, she was saying all these things about blood clots and blah blah blah. And maybe I am in denial, I really don't know. I don't have any sores on that foot, didn't hurt it, don't know why it would swell, I've never had a problem with swollen feet except when I was pregnant, and I am definitely not pregnant!!!
I don't think it is the RSD spreading, because I don't think it would happen that fast. Nothing unusual happened to me over the weekend. I might wake up tomorrow and the right foot will look completely normal again.
I guess what I would wish from you, is to advise caution if you think I am not taking this seriously enough. My plan is to go see PCP tomorrow morning, if the swelling has not gone down. Does that seem reasonable enough to you?!?
A blood clot usually has pain redness and swelling in the leg. It is unlikely to be a blood clot, but if you have all these symptoms ask an appointment for today from your PCP, otherwise go as scheduled, tomorrow. Let your PCP see it and then you can convey Oregon about it, and PCP's impression, so he is updated.
Hello, Dr. Arun,
So the day has played out. We don't know why the right foot has swollen, they match in size but not in color. I think it is called, "pitting"... if you push a finger in on the feet, it leaves an indention. I was without power for most of the day. Ah...
I think the storms are going away, but wow - the intensity was simply amazing! Without power, I sat on the front porch, and the lightning bolts were intense so that I drew tighter against the back of my chair! Fierce, crisp, lighting everything! And to be in darkness in the house, I was too scared. It is not like when I have my son around, and I just get strong because I have to be an example. Without him, I am like a child... I get scared, I feel alone.
The storm, it was a storm of the year! Car alarms were going off, the resultant thunder shook the house that I leaned against. It was strange, I was scared, and the house just vibrated. And the night got darker and darker. If I could sit quiet, I could feel all the extra electricity in the air, and something about this felt nice. The air felt wet even under the safety of the porch, I felt juvenile, I felt vulnerable, it felt nice because I was otherwise very safe.
This is part of why I write you, and other reasons are why I wish to see you when you visit the US again. I don't know if I can explain this, I don't need you to have every answer, Dr. Arun... I would not be disappointed in you if I asked a question you could not answer... I do not look at you that way. Not with expectation, just I appreciate what you know. So if ... you didn't know something, I would not feel disappointed - does that make sense?!?
I wish I could explain, and I hope you can visit. Because if you can come here and I can show you some things, you would see why I appreciate you. I would tell you for each one, why they relate to you, and maybe then you would see yourself in another way through nature. My invitation was not frivilous, it was so sincere and true, it is not things I want to show to just anyone, but to you! Make sure I have a week, and you have the week, and it is these things I want you to remember a month or ten years afterwards. Most of them are free, you just have to be there!
So I am sincere, and I don't need you to know everything. That is not why I converse with you. Just, how do I lay it out, innocently and full for you? It is like, in all the time, this is coming about. I just don't know how to explain, but if you can visit here, and I can share some of these things with you, I think when you returned home, they would be things you would remember, and would always enrich you, things you would always remember. It is a lightness, if that makes sense. Your schedule would be enriched if you took a break.... Maybe some things would be awkward at first, I know this. But if you could get past that awkwardness, I would be there past it. I just feel this thing, and it is innocent and doesn't want anything from you. I don't want anything from you! Dr. Arun, does that make sense? I understand and respect your life. The same as if you didn't understand my life, I hope you would try to understand it.
The storm, wow! it just gave another loud roar. the lightning creeping through the sides of the windows.
The invitation is real, and sincere. It is not a frivilous thing, and it is fully my heart open. I don't know how better to explain the sincerity, of just wanting to show you these things, wanting to share these places with you, and then you would go home like you always would. So you should consider the invitation real, and know it is sincere. I feel odd if you would think otherwise, yet I would not be hurt if you declined, does that make sense? So the offer is not with consequences. In innocence, I would like to show you these places.
I think I've babbled again. I just wanted to clarify.
I think I'm going to go to the Endeavour launch... it is in only six hours. the drive is only 50 minutes. And I think I am going to go Thursday morning, there are three rocket launches in a one-hour period. I can't go to work again on Wednesday, the right foot is too swollen. Both of my feet are very swollen. I go to Ocala Thursday a 1:45, they wanted to see me. But should I go to the launches? A big part of me says, "Yes of course go!" Go now, get a good spot and then sleep until liftoff. How many more night launches? The same as I want you to come visit, the spirit is shouting at me to GO to the launches!
Ah, I'm confused.
This is a big invitation for me. And I hope, may be not in immediate future, sometimes sure, I would be able to visit Florida and US. It is a coveted invitation. Don't get stressed about it, good willing, this will happen.
And go to launch. This would relax you.
Amazing!! One has to be too lucky to see all that.
I'm going to see Dr. Khan (PCP) in a couple hours, but other than the foot/leg swelling, I don't really have much to say. It concerns me, but it seems like too simple of a problem, ha! I guess I am too used to the complicated things! Other than, "Why is it swelling?" is there anything in particular I should ask or mention? This seems too easy! :-)
Yes, just curious what Dr. Khan has to say about the swelling. Don't have any explanation! I believe he is not saying, can't help reducing the weight of the limb!! (Do you remember your phone conversation with him?).
Dr. Khan didn't know what to say about the swelling, although I did go to the hospital to get both my legs tested for blood clots (ultrasound?). That took a lot of time! The guy showed me the swelling on the screen. Big pockets in the bad leg, smaller in the "good" leg. They both look larger than yesterday.
I guess I'm changing my way of thinking about this.
1st reaction: "Oh, God... the CRPS is spreading!"
2nd reaction: "Oh, God... my ankles are fat!"
3rd reaction: "What if it *IS* a blood clot?!? Uh, but then why are both legs affected?"
4th reaction: "Who cares?"
Really. The only thing that seems to have been important has been ruled out - blood clot. It is not like my pain has doubled... maybe I'm different than other people with this, because the pain didn't double when the swelling went crazy in my "good leg".
So what does it matter?!? I got to thinking about ... one thing I've always been amazed by you, which is your broad knowledge. So if there was something important about the swelling, I mean something "tack up on the wall to be concerned about"... I just think you would know it. It's not obviously going to stop me from breathing, it's not a warning sign of an impending heart attack, and it's not something that's even going to stop me from donating blood (I'm happily an O positive, and I've always liked to donate because it's a little thing I can do despite everything or anything).
Other than the vanity of now having two "fat feet" and two "chunky calves"... I really don't see anything important. I was going to go see Dr. O Thursday, but I canceled the appointment, I go see him July 1st anyway, and I have to go back to work, can't risk the job anymore... I talked to my boss's boss today, I need to keep things as good as I can.
At my request, Dr. Khan gave me a diuretic, I don't know if I will fill it. I may try it to see if it works, and stop, and see if they plump up again. I don't know. The process of change is simply the way life works, and if we get hung up on that, we get stuck in a reality, that in actuality - no longer exists. I don't mean to get philosophical, but I neglected real things I could have (should have) taken care of today, and nothing changed about my fat feet and chunky calves - they are still down there. So, whatever!
I guess that's what I think, and how I feel, in a nutshell (sorry, "in a nutshell" is a phrase my coworkers and I laugh about... whenever someone uses the phrase, "in a nutshell" in email, we just kind of laugh).
I don't think what I write to you could ever fit "in a nutshell". HA!!!!
Somehow, I don't like diuretics, being used for these kind of problems; if we are not sure of the reason of swelling, how can we treat it. If the swelling increases on both the sides, get a colored doppler study repeated and get an ultrasound of the abdomen.
I am going to Jodhpur for a conference for 4 days and would be back on Monday. I would be connected to emails but won't be connected to internet.
Why an ultrasound of the abdomen?
I haven't filled the diuretic. Not a very smart idea on my part.
My bad calf is 3/4 of an inch thicker.
Enjoy your conference!
Just to be overcautious in your case. Liver and kidneys should be screened, whenever there is swelling in both the legs. To see the pelvic organs, if something is pressing to impede the circulation / veins or lymphatics.
Good Afternoon, Dr. Arun...
Did you enjoy your conference? Can I ask what it was about? :-)
Thanks for the way you reacted to what I wrote. I felt better thinking about that. I once heard that every novel had to have "sex" in it in order to be a best-seller... but wouldn't it be interesting if I could get away with just intense, perhaps sexually charged sensuality? Because there are maybe more interesting questions to arise, or maybe more beauty, in sensuality. Or maybe that's just what challenge I'd like to give myself in the novel... I'm not really sure!
Off to the shower! Ha!
I hope the rest of your day is nice... :-)
Good afternoon / Good Morning Deb,
The conference was about minimal access surgery and couple of sessions on Robotic surgery. Believe me technology has changed the surgical scenario and now you can use sutures which knot themselves, when you are doing anastomosis. Technology has supervene the human skills. Great learning.
This was at Jodhpur which is number two town in our state Rajasthan, my birth place also. So took the kids to show my ancestral house.
I am not very sure, but yes, some sort of sensual sex will spice up the whole story, which is always part of boardroom, colleagues and even business rivals (when just for these reasons you may take a softer stance).
Could you please let me know if I offended you? or freaked you out?
I am sorry, I feel like I was inappropriate. I just got carried away with the book and making up a story is fun but I didn't stop to think until after I wrote it.
Never think like that, please. I enjoy reading, what your write. I am privileged, I would say. As a matter of fact, I want to write you as soon as possible but just my commitments in office and surgery delay the things. I was swamped, as I was not in office for almost 4 days.
Thanks for sharing.
If I can give a quick explanation, I do not "let go" very often, I'm kind of a tightly controlled person in some ways. So I can have these things in my imagination, even let go to myself, but there is obviously some insecurity I have about sharing imagination, life dreams, and things like that. The vulnerability?
Thank you for the explanation, I know you are so busy. So I will try not to get neurotic again! I appreciate your compliments, maybe someday I will have the confidence?
The other thing, is I very much value our conversing, and I would be at a loss if you would suddenly be gone from my life. Especially because of if I was careless.
And I really don't like that they switched to the "responding in less than 24 hours" mandatory.
Wish you a very good day.
Hi, Dr. Arun!
I started physical therapy again today! (Does that sound like an old record?)
It's at the place with the really good MPT that I liked. She asked, "Have you been doing the things I taught you last year?" and I was, like, "um (feeling small) no..." She said I had to realize that I was going to have to do those exercises at home by myself for the rest of my life, and I knew what she meant. She did electrical stimulation again while they were both wrapped in ice (I guess I get double the fun now). I forgot how good that felt, e-stim with ice! I never thought to combine my own TENS unit with ice. The little light bulb finally goes off in Deb's head! This will be good, to remind myself what I need to be doing. And we are going to try massage as an additional way to try to manage the swelling. That I can keep on at home, too.
But I have a funny little story, I think I am so silly sometimes! I had to get up earlier than usual this morning in order to get to the appointment, and I really only left myself just as much time as I needed since Kyle is not here, I just shower, throw on a little makeup, and go. In the shower, I shampooed/rinsed my hair as usual, but I must not have been fully awake yet, because I put the body wash on my hands, and before I knew it I had started rubbing my hands through my hair again, instead of my body! This wouldn't be a problem except the body wash is full of these little blue exfoliating microbeads, and I tried but the beads clung to my wet hair, and I couldn't get them all out of my hair and I needed to get going! All day I kept finding the tiny blue beads falling either in my hands or on clothes or my desk. No one said anything, but I kept a good distance. That was too silly! But good for little laughs all day... :-)
I hope you have so many little laughs today!
Deb (not much blue left!)
Deb with the blue beads,
I would have loved to see those beads. Already starting picking them up!! Real big laugh!
And you know, I am a big fan of physical therapy / electrotherapy.
Do you remember my cross-plan project? The last part of it went out to the field this morning (means they all can see it) ... and it all looks good! I don't think anything went wrong.
You did not tell me about it. Hey, I can see the smile!
Oh, I thought I mentioned it, wasn't huge, but it was a good project for me to be given because it spanned all our plan reponsibilities, a high-visibility project. And it went perfectly!
I took a nice picture of the view from my desk, out onto the bank lobby on the floor below. My main view is of a large column! but on both sides of the column I get a view across to the tower on the other side (where we used to work). Now, in the fishbowl, we are only on the 2nd floor of the bank, and the only office workers that the clients or even strangers on the street can see. On the one hand we have fun, because we wave at the tellers, and all the security gaurds know us, on the other hand, when we work, we know we are always able to be watched not only by the people in the bank lobby, but also by people on I think four or five floors of the towers, where it is a hallway and not office workers that people can see. Hence "The Fishbowl" - even if we wanted to we shouldn't pick our noses!
I've been amazed, because work has been being almost nice to me. They've either decided that they are going to fire me soon and are therefore no longer worried about me, or they decided to back off and see what would happen. I think it was the latter, because one day a few weeks ago I heard my boss yell, "I don't WANT to support someone who doesn't want to work!" and then SLAM her door. I'm the only one that could have been about. That's the way she sees (saw) me, so that's the way she treated me. But she is not treating me like any particular way anymore, and I am feeling more free to do good work, and work with the others, HELP them when I can and offer otherwise. Don't take this wrong, but I think the change in our positions was a great thing, because there is a lot more teamwork, instead of me isolated and stressed. And they get stressed now, and it is so interesting to watch, because they are doing a pretty good job now. And I should be stressed about that, because doesn't that mean they don't need me?!? Nah. I'm still somewhat valuable or I wouldn't be walking through the door. It is nice to see my teammates working together to deal with problems I used to have to face alone... to worry about getting things right together. I hope things continue like this, I know I have my own job now to do that is different, but I also know I can step in when someone is out. I hope things keep growing like this... because I'm growing too, even though they are all older than me(!) I'm the youngest. We are a team with MANY years of tenure with the bank. My own boss this week had her 30th anniversary, we had a party today. 30, 26, 26, 14, and 10. I've got the 14, but that means in 5 people we have nearing 100 work-years with the bank. In today's world, that's cool. I hope I stay with it, and I hope someday they just understand me a different way, if not actually understand me. Because they didn't know me before, and I am feeling that with the pressure off. It's nice, I can't ever write you while at work again because I think this is against policy! Ha!
(would you like to see the view? I just can't send it right now...)
Here is a "Deb really wants to know". I don't mean to be disrespectful of the odd passings here, my sister - I may have blocked out ... I know I just tell other people that it is colon cancer. I don't talk about her much anymore because I don't want to be focusing on her cancer except to help her. She is coming here again next week. :-)
But I have these long scars on my big toes from the adolescent bunionectomies. They were secured with two pins each. The bad foot big toe scar (that sounds lame) has been particularly bothering me, I don't understand. They are almost 20-year old scars, but recently they have been popping outwards, very painful. They have laid inwards for all those years, but the swelling now in both feet, why after all this time, especially the left, the scar hurting so bad? I try pushing it back in. My feet have been very painful lately, I don't mean to whine. But the scars have been hurting especially bad. And I don't get it, I've had them so long without any fuss while I ran and ran and ran (yea, I used to be a runner). And the scars never bothered me then. I keep pushing the scar back in, but I wonder if I am making it worse.
I really do wonder about that. I don't mean to ignore then odd passings here.
Feet hurt too much too sleep, can't figure out what to do.
Scar tissue is a non tensile tissue due to fibrosis in it. Our normal skin is very elastic and scar tissue looses all elasticity. So whenever there is swelling they get painful due to lack of elasticity. The area can be supported by medical adhesive tapes etc, so pain is less.
I am sorry about your sister. But she is fortunate to have your support.
Would like to see the view, you see from your office table!
Are you saying it would help if I taped the scars down?
A cotton padding around and then tape it. Not too tight. Just to give a support. This would work in many. But if it is painful or induces color change, remove it.
I had this dream about Healing, I don't know why, but this came to me and I had to write it down. I'll have to finish it myself, I guess... :-)
For it would be as if I had a flute the size of a nationthen I would play it, and I would sing out its praisesuntil it's people rose up and held one anotherembracing their sameness and their differences as a song with high and low notes eventually endsin a soft, long anticipated and closely held anthem...
that's all I got, I think I'm going to rest again until I have to get up...
Wishing the best to you..
Good prose, Deb,
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX for something I wrote in my sleep and typed while half-asleep. I think I understand the dream now, it was about a woman I met a number of months ago while waiting at the Podi's. She wasn't in the dream, but it definitely was related to her. I've been trying to find the package she mailed to me, it was around here not long ago! as the story goes...
I wouldn't give my address to just anyone, but some people find it easy to talk to me. Even at Dr. O's last time, this little girl drew a swingset on the back of my medications list. hehe... Dr. O said he looked at it before he came in to see me but figured the artwork wasn't mine. Little does he know that I actually wanted to be in computer animation, instead of the type of programming I ended up doing! But did not succeed because I had so little talent for bringing my mind to anothers eye through artwork!
Speaking of lights (camera, action), I hope this picture comes across well. It is not the view from seated at my desk - that was taken with my phone and was too grainy. I took this with my better camera, it is one side of the blasted column! They stuck me behind the column because my desk used to be very cluttered, but I have more time to be organized now. I couldn't get all the floors to show, but this is one side of my "windows"... the way I spend my day. I was talking with support in India today, no less, better understood eight and a half-hours ahead, as you are. Half a day away...
This looks imposing/impressive.
I would trade my job with your's, just to sit in this office.
I'm certainly glad you have the job you do... it's hard to feel imposing when you work in an area called, "The Fishbowl". Maybe you better wait until there is an opening a few floors up! :-)
It is so funny, the job I do. Don't forget "The Fishbowl"... people watch every move!
I am on a conference call, and I look down, and there are people there. Sometimes, I eat jello (with pineapples), and there are people there! I eat lunch (maybe macaroni and cheese?), and there are people there! ("Am I putting too much food in my mouth at once", I think?!?) There are always people there! What is challenging is, "how do you blow your nose?" when there are always people there? All those floors up that can watch you, and sometimes we know specifically that they watch us, sometimes it is obvious that they do, and some people point, you feel like a goldfish!!! it bothered me more a year ago when I first sat in the fishbowl. Now, it is funny, I blow my nose so carefully! Try to be delicate with this! My side has the people with ATM's, not so much the Teller side. And if I sneeze, I look down right away, to see if I did it wrong enough to warrant a stare. Sitting it the fishbowl is so funny!!! Because you are honestly aware of how you scratch your nose. I don't know why the nose is so important, but we think about our noses a lot in the fishbowl!!! And what am I supposed to do if my ear itches inside? It is not like I can just stick my finger in my ear and jiggle until it feels better!!! But sometimes, I have to!!! I could tell you so many funny things!!!
I like writing to you, I feel like being funny. I think my novel is going to be poignant, yet funny! very subtley funny. Like that... like a fish scratching its nose!!!
Let me know when the openings are upstairs and I would need tips for the interview and your recommendations for the job (and staying in it)!! I now know, I would have a great view. But bankers always have better offices than the doctors! Men will watch women at any opportunity, so they would have been doing even if one were not in fishbowl!!!
Big smile while reading your post!
I think the only people who would like Deb's Tips for staying in a job would be the people hoping to take the job from me, but if I must give advice to a friend in need... (need I say, sarcasm)
Deb's Top Ten Tips for Staying Employed in the United States:
10. "Collaboration" - it doesn't mean, "See how many Post-its you can get to stay together".
9. "Never let them see you sweat" - leave that to the little people.
8. Make them feel bad - come in when you are sick.
7. Never forget their birthdays. (Keeps them feeling young!)
6. Prove you know the value of a dime - shop on the clock!
5. "Ignorance is bliss" - so don't worry about deadlines - be happy!
4. Keep the "water cooler" - hotter. Gossip!
3. "A co-worker in need, is ... " - someone else's problem.
2. "Proprietary Knowledge" - You can't get fired if you are the only one who knows what you are doing.
1. Keep your management wondering whether you'll show up or not... They need something to be stressed about besides the Economy.
Sorry, I think I'm a little twisted today! I'm so happy my family will be here in a few days. :-)
Thanks for helping me smile...
Reader's Digest will publish the above and would pay you handsome amount. This is universally true.
Nice thought. Maybe I'll polish it up and send it off... why not? The worst that could happen would be they'd ignore it. I'm not afraid of being ignored!
Nobody can ignore your writing skills.
Wow, that is a very nice compliment... Thank You! I think you made my morning.
Dr. Arun, I'm leaving shortly for another block, but now I wonder... I think this is 14, and when the anesthesiologist first mentioned that he'd had CRPS patients get as many as 17 blocks. At the time, that sounded like a pretty high number. Now I'm getting that high, but I know exactly why I still want to get them. Would you tell me if it was bad for me to keep getting them? I know I can't get them forever, but I appreciate the results for now...
I hope you have had a good day... :-)
There are not very clear guidelines about the number and physician give them on their discretion. But there are two things to be considered;
1) The effect of the shot gradually start decreasing in efficacy and duration.
2) There is a very small increasing chance of infection associated with increasing number of shots.
Oh, My! Life revised my Top Ten list this morning in a highly fitting way...
I can't even believe it still...
I used to make fun of people this happened to...
I apologized, said how embarassed I was, but I couldn't change the fact.
One time I thought a coworker was dead because of it.
Some people would get fired for this, and you can bet that crossed my mind in the first 30 seconds when I looked up and saw my boss, and her boss just standing at my desk!
So I don't know where it is going to fit, but it definitely bumps SOMETHING off the original list...
"Dream big - fall asleep on the job!"
I was MORTIFIED! How could this happen to me?!? I feel asleep sitting up perfectly straight, like I was working. My head wasn't even bobbed. Good thing, as I sit in the fishbowl! But they knew I'd had the sympathetic block this morning. And they knew something unusual was up with me, which is why they were checking on me. And I can only imagine my boss seeing me, hurrying over to her boss's office and saying, "Come here right away - you've GOT to see this!"
Because for all the things they've suspected about me, they actually CAUGHT me at something!
Oh, Dr. Arun! I got up early this morning, about 4am. Maybe that is why, maybe I didn't get enough sleep. But when I was first getting the blocks, I used to go right home and sleep for a couple hours. But for the last two, I came to work right afterwards. But my boss's boss said who knows what circumstances would be different.
They sent me home this morning, but at least I'm not in trouble. I'll bet they had a pretty good laugh about it, and if this becomes common knowledge, I am going to be teased mercilessly, because when I blush I *really* blush, which makes more people laugh, which makes me blush harder.
I... can't even put it in perspective yet. Ouch! This hurts my ego! Just kidding, but
I've got off tomorrow, maybe no one else will ever know except the guy who sits next to me, I know he knows. What a morning!!!
The anesthesiologist said something very nice to me this morning, he said I was a very brave young lady. :-) He's going to talk to someone, something about a double-epidural over an extended number of hours. It' sounded similar to what Podi was talking about, and I brought that up, and Dr. S said that wasn't what he (Dr. S) was thinking. But the next time I see him, if the other foot is still acting up, he said he would pursue it.
But work made me get a note signed from him, so that they knew he knew I'd fallen asleep afterwards, and that it was okay for me to go back to work. Embarassing!!!
Will you believe me? There was a very bad accident case in the hospital, in the night. I was called. I repaired very well some huge lacerations and when I was finishing the sutures, I got really sleepy. Asked the anesthetist 5 minutes and took nap on a operation theater sofa outside and then could finish it.
Sleep is the best meditation. I said my assistant, I was in meditation.
Then I was in good company. And I know what to do if it ever happens again!
I have to write this, because after this morning, I am not going to stop thinking about it soon enough! It is very embarassing for me, okay, so you can make a joke but not too many jokes.
When I was in the hospital in December, I don't think it's any secret between you and I that I did not take very well to suddenly finding myself in the ICU, which is what the experience was for me. At first, I didn't realize I was in Kissimmee, no less the ICU. Well, after I was awake enough, and not so bleary-eyed, I just wanted to get out of there and I obviously didn't have my head on me yet. I didn't realize that I wasn't strong enough. So I ripped everything I could off of me, or out of me, and tried to stand up, I didn't get the central line out, thank God.
Here's the bad and embarassing part. Ugh. I ripped the Foley catheter out of me, and none too carefully. They didn't put it back, but after then, when I urinated, it hurt like acid, it was terrible, so bad I cried urinating, and I told them about this, but I'm not sure they related it to what I had done.
And, further embarassing, I have had problems since then, ranging at first to blah blah blah, but then after that, I find I can't urinate until I've REALLY got to go, I mean, it doesn't seem like I have any conscious ability to empty my bladder. Okay, now I am terribly embarassed, and want to hide under my bedsheets, maybe even the pillows.
In the hospital when I couldn't provide a sample, they said, "Well, we're going to have to use a catheter then!" and I was relieved (pardon the pun)... but at Dr. O's now it's been too long, and I've failed two times, and he's going to want to know why I think. The first time they took a blood test instead of a urine test when I couldn't "comply", and today they took a saliva test when I couldn't "comply". I tried so hard to give a urine sample today in Ocala, that I saw blood, I don't know why, but I still kept trying. I am such a bulldog. I just thought it was possible and I could do it if I relaxed enough, if I got calm enough, it I thought about waterfalls! I wish I was kidding!
I haven't discussed this with him, I didn't think it was a real problem I'd have to deal with until today. I mean, when the situation gets bad enough, I guess I'm strong enough to wait, and then eventually gravity steps in. God, I'm so embarassed. Tell me please, you have 50 problems to deal with, worse than this...!!!
If ever there was something to make you feel completely un-cool.... oh, I want to hide!!!
What on earth could I have done to myself that day?!?
An accidents of this kind is not uncommon and we deal with this frequently (I worked in urology for four years). There is a likely to be damage to the bladder sphincter and/or, bladder muscle stretching. Investigations required for the assessment are;
1) CMG (cystometrography); this is an electrophysiological test for the assessment of the bladder muscle and sphincter functioning.
2) Uroflometry; one voids in a commode which is connected to a computer. The voiding data gives information about the bladder muscle functions.
Urologist then take a decision, if cystoscopy (camera examination) is necessary or not.
Can I ask further? Without appearing too immature...
Since the problem is that I can't go when I want to, instead of that I go when I don't want to, is it really a problem I have to deal with? So, I'm not the first idiot to rip out their own Foley catheter? It kind of hurts right now, but I'm sure that's because I tried too hard to give a sample.
Given what I described, ripping out the Foley catheter, can this kind of a problem be fixed? Or, urologist is the only one who can say? meaning, I need to go to one whether I like it or not.
That's cool - uroflowmetry!
Ripped Foley's is a frequent incidence/accident. Would you believe, everywhere in the world nurses, accidentally or thinking the internal bulb is deflated completely, do rip it. That is the far commoner than patients doing themselves. I see almost one case per month. Urologist would be seeing more, definitely.
When the bladder or sphincter muscle is damaged the voluntary contraction of the muscle does not occur when you want it to be. This is the reason when you want to do you can't.
I made the appointment today, I am glad I will just be dealing with that soon. Who cares if it is embarassing. I brought it about, albeit unknowingly.
Dr. Arun, today, I tripped coming in from my garage, and hurt both my feet. You know I'm in pain all the time, if you also remember I do not have joints in my toes, okay? I was barefoot, carrying about 40 pounds in one hand, I did NOT go down gracefully. This pain was so far beyond anything I've known so far, the only thing I could think to do as I am still alone, was gather the phone, stack the pillows as high as I could, and get the feet up as high as I could as fast as I could. It felt like my feet had been ripped open straight up between the toes. When I first fell, I grabbed them because that's what it felt like, so then I thought maybe I broke both my feet but I don't think I did. I am not a hypochondriac. I started singing this old song from Georgia, laughing, I thought I was losing my mind ...
So I just went into meditation. Deep, I'd been taught this, the way to take control of the body with the mind. So it was that bad, I did it as fast as I could, I absorbed that pain all up inside me, up through my legs, out through my arms, into my head. And I had to try to pause then, holding the pain throughout my body like this, and it was long and hard, Dr. Arun, it was not easy to do, my feet still hurt like I don't want to say, but when I was holding it like that, it was hard to breathe without letting some part of it go too far somewhere in my body. So I made myself breathe as light and as shallow as I could. I tried not to think. I think I learned how to take this, I didn't cry. I didn't have time, when I think about it. I don't know if this makes sense.
I don't know. I owe you big time... I know.
Deb with the still-terriblly painful toes and feet.
Your family and son must have arrived. Your sister, I hope does well, though with her disease and complications, things are not looking good. But you have been always strong. Take care.
Let me know, if I can be any help.
My sister is not doing well at all right now, Dr. Arun. My family will be arriving in about 3 hours. I think I can hang in there until I get their hugs. Geez, I know those hugs will feel good!
It is going to be hard to sleep tonight. I'm still in pain I would describe as "intense"... my sister is in the hospital right now and will not be coming. I think my fears were somewhat a sense. She had some kind of operation today, blood transfusion plus they were preparing her for dialysis. If I am going to be further strong, I need to handle this, too. She was hospitalized with kidney failure, my kidneys rebounded when they got the infection under control, they considered dialysis with me, but I rebounded. Like, I hope my sister rebounds, but I'm torn between being realistic and overly optimistic.
I don't remember how I learned meditation, especially the kind I learned. I took to it ... maybe because I needed it. And I became almost scared because it also took me into places in my subconscious where at the time I was not ready or strong enough to go. But I can tell you that I needed it tonight, and I'm glad the ability did not leave me. I don't know how I would have dealt with that ... degree ... of intense pain without it. It's like I'm in aftershocks now, if that makes sense, sometimes one or the other comes back in a wave, or both, but I know it won't be as bad as it was. I thought the pain I just live with all the time was bad, guess I've been feeling too sorry for myself!!! Heh. Always good to see another degree of things, to remember that where you are is not as bad as where you could be...
Maybe I need to vent, occasionally, without worrying, about, other things. I don't know.
Before I go to sleep, I just want to try to say what a beautiful thing will be coming my way in a couple hours, because I have been warned by my son that even if I am asleep, I will be tackled by his love. And you know, how awesome of love is this?!?
If my soul was empty (which it is not) it would be more than filled up shortly, in the middle of the night, when my mother, my father, and my son are all with me once again, and it is another thing to grow up and make your parents proud, but to love them as an adult is just really cool. And it is futher amazing, when your kids are the size of adults, but they are still your kids, and you can embrace them and know they feel something like you do, deeply innocent appreciation for another human being. So like, I pause, because ...
Well, I've made a nice surprise for them. A very nice candle lights in the foyer, a special setting I have for them of twelve lights, to greet them if not by the scents then by the soft lights. That is the way I love them, Dr. Arun, I don't know a way to describe it better. I would like for them to feel peaceful and so welcomed, even if I should not be awake right when they arrive.
My son. Life's most rewarding hugs. I just treasure them... :-)
I think I'll try to sleep, or if not, I'll pretend.
Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX Arun. Sometimes, the best way to give is to listen, I'm not folding, I'm just maybe scared. But there is beauty...
When cancer takes people, I mean in the way my sister has it, is it going to be like one organ failing after another? ACS doesn't get into things like this, so far as I can see.
Like why I am thinking this? I think it alot, just don't say, don't know.
I know I got really scared, it is mainly in her lungs now, and she was having obvious difficulty breathing.
You know so much, you are a goldmine of knowldge and experience. I know I said this before, I don't expect you to know everything, but I am grateful that you have studied what you did.
djb (this is little me, when I sign, "djb")
I think this can be explained like this;
1) She has colon cancer; this itself has its own complication and degenerative process going on in the body
2) She has metastasis in lung; a vital organ is compromised.
3) Kidney failure; another vital organ is compromised.
It is very difficult to get out of two organ failure for a normal person, and patient with cancer has far less recovery potential and capabilities. So obviously prognosis if guarded. Very tough road ahead.
Sleeping is difficult for you, I can understand.
Not easy for anybody for us.
Hello, Dr. Arun. :-)
I've been happy. Nice. We did fireworks again. It seems like a lot more people have been doing fireworks tonight. It is just beautiful, and the moon is so bright. I wish you could hop over here for five minutes, and catch some fireworks!!! Then go back to doing what you have to do!
I don't know if I understood before that life doesn't have to be all good to still be peaceful. So the stars are all nice, I'm laughing so much more in two days than I have in the last month. This last medicine they put me on has made life seem to take on a more distinct edge, while at the same time seeming somehow lighter. I was making sound-effects to the fireworks, girls are no good at sound effects (!) - everyone knows that!!! But it was fun, to sit next to my mother, my son, and my father. And yeah, we wished my sister could have been there. But the light was still in the sky, and it's nice to live a free life.
How are you?
"Opioid painkillers now cause more drug overdose deaths than cocaine and heroin, combined. CDC"
I wish, I could share.
So happy for you.
Research is deceptive. Can hide more things than what it reveals. One can play with the data and present in its own way. As a doctor one has to be very judicious with the prescription.
Have a great week-end!
I have an inclination; this pain should wane of gradually, at some point of time.
Who is Raghu?
I can see happiness on your face/writing!
For a novel writer, knitting mystery is expected! Still no clue about Ram Dass and Raghu.
Once you mentioned (long ago), some problem for Dr. O. What was it?
Deb, you are looking happy,
Wish you a great week-end.
I would ask my staff to write this on our office board; "Mind is the real force." This is our quote of the week.
I can give you innumerable examples of may patients, who just got cured because of their strong will/mind. My prescription, I knew, were just a support.
I hope, this tornado is not scary. Nature reminds us, time and again, how forceful it is.
Blister alone does not mean infection, but they predisposes for infection. Be careful.
It is a great social service and blood donation is the biggest gift one can give. I highly respect this. There is no contraindication for you to give blood. Great service to humanity.
Going to Ram Das would be a good experience. I think Dr. Oregon has a first hand experience with it.
That's great gesture.
It is difficult to define some things in a relationship. It sort of give me a feeling of "deja vu" when you say about that pride thing in the kids. I can identify with relationships with my siblings. And this becomes so gradual that when it is recognized it is no point of return!
Rainy season, this is what we call. Being part of desert, rains are scant and infrequent. We are having our share of showers though. One side we love it but other down side is that our city has a poor drainage system for rain water and streets get clogged with water! You sit at home, if it raining. Your car can stop anytime in this street lakes.
Have a very good weekend and Bon Appétit at "Bahama Breeze".
I am surprised that you wanted to learn about Rajasthan. Just had a dinner party at a lawn in a temple of old fort (about 500 years old). The place was, as you said, majestic. Surrounded all over by the Aravali mountain range, on a hill top this fort is architectural marvel.
On Sunday, I just want to be inside the house and go to my club house for half an hour session of Badminton with my son. But decided to attend the party (social obligation of doctors) instead with the family and it was worth it.
How many pages of the novel have you written? I would be eager to read it.
Strong will helps in healing. This increases the immunity, which has been documented by the scientific studies.
I know it is probably an awesome time there, even just imagining the eclipse. I just want to vent, maybe need to vent because too much things is building up in me. I am very frustrated with myself.
I'm feeling VERY frustrated with myself, Dr. Arun. If it is a neurological malfunction, maybe it's malfunctioning worse. I'm walking with increasingly short steps lately, partly because of the pain, but it's something else that I can't put my finger on. But I've noticed this and it scares me. I just know it's some-thing, if that makes sense. I don't waddle, but I seem to toddler-step more often. I don't want to do physical therapy right now, I want to put it off for a while. I want to just focus on getting to work every day. I may cancel the physical therapy for now, for the first time I just don't want to do it.
Okay, let me tell it this way... lately I've felt sometimes like what it feels like to see a toddler walking, when I walk sometimes it feels like stubbing my feet on the ground, if that makes sense. Like the feet are heavy or something. The other proof is that I have stubbed my toes to the point where the nails beds bled, or the nails have been ripped off, more than five times since I last saw Dr. O. I'll show him this next week. But I'm very frustrated and maybe even scared, and I ... don't know. I'm walking clumsy but I'm getting crafty with my cane. This guy smiled today when I reached the elevator and hit the 'up' button with the cane. I didn't know he was back there, or I wouldn't have done it. But, do I cheat then if I think people aren't around? Do I want to look tough or something if I know they are there, and take shortcuts when I think they are not?!? I just keep thinking about this because I don't want to cheat myself into a hole by taking shortcuts. But my body is doing things that I don't understand lately. And I feel more insecure about everything in life, I don't feel as smart at work, I don't feel like as good of a mother. I KNOW my parents love me no matter what, and I know my son loves me no matter what. I do not think that my job loves me no matter what!!! :-) That seems funny...
I'm feeling like cutting out on physical therapy for a little while. Maybe it is making things worse?!? Maybe that is why things are worse? Maybe if I just leave things along for a while...
That's why I am frustrated with "Me" right now. I want to stop physical therapy for now and just focus on staying employed, because it does me no good to walk if I've got no job to go to... I think I am scared and confused. I don't want to change things because these things don't seem to be working. So I want to leave things alone for a while. Really alone.
Clouds are so not fair!
It is raining here. Lot of clouds, so can't see the eclipse.
Our TV was filled with programs on eclipse, life is stand still here. Schools and offices have changed time due to eclipse! Many more funny things.
More the things change, more they are same.
That is so not fair!!! Such a celestial event!
Yes, that is true. I know it makes other things seem like just fussing, but I've always been enamoured with total eclipses of the moon. Could barely get my son to stay up through them, but when I did his eyes had this nice sparkle...
I'm sorry for complaining... you know I'm okay...
Despite my preferences, I went to physical therapy this morning. And you know what happened?!? I stubbed my right toes on the exercise equipment!!! I mean, OWWWWWW!!! Broke off my pinky toenail. I don't know what is wrong with me.
Bad day. I wish I could start yesterday morning over. Then I could at least make today okay. :-(
very little djb
I am amazed by the size, diversity, mystery of the milky way, universe, stars, and moons, but when Indians connect it with the astrology, I become slightly skeptical. But from inside somehow, I have started feeling that these bodies over there, do affect us!
Bosses are for bossing! Why do you take it to heart. Some people would never get better. OK, let me give you different perspective. May be outside she just wants to be strict. Inside she may be different.
Good morning. Have a great day.
I have wondered, I do wonder, and I wander. I wonder why I am so captivated by the moon. I wish I was closer, or that it was bigger!!! And I've seen comets, just right there in the sky, for a short while there night after night! And you can think about the universe, and the galaxy, and I've thought we're actually these little microscopic things that some giants on a really big planet study. Wonder why we emit lights from our planets that they can only see as mere atoms in the frame of their existence. How can that atom "Earth" glow, if they could call it what we do?!?
Why do I take it to heart?!? But you made it like a statement instead of a question. I think it is fear, that I will lose so many things that I hold dear. There is the heart of an artist inside me, but how do you survive by that in this world? There is a very calculating mathematician inside me, and it is much easier to survive on that. In any world, in any culture, because you just observe and you adapt - one of the most simple formulas of survival that can be found. Lasting.
So inside me is a powerful and effervescent struggle between the serving, soulful artist... and the observing, calculating, hopefully not manipulating mathematician. That is why I take it to heart, I take everything to heart, Dr. Arun. It was the way I was made, and after thinking, I think I am okay with that!!! I would not want to be another way.
I take everything to heart, I take the sky to heart, and the rain, and children, and flowers! I take animals to heart, and the suffering of others, and the greatness of a stranger you might meet one day. I take skywriting to heart, but I don't know who does it although I know they must care a lot. I take a good cheesecake to heart, too... just kidding!!!
I take life to heart, Dr. Arun, that is the way I was made, and no one saw to craft me differently. I even take numbers to heart, and formulas, and extrapolations, and interpolations. Much easier is mere interpretations!!! I hope it all works out. I hope I can find my way through this, but I've got support, even today I said I was having a difficult time, and someone said they'd pray for me, how nice is that?!? And I don't even have cancer. I've just got CRPS, and maybe MG, maybe this, maybe that.
I feel better, I know the latest axe is actually going to fall, the question is how sharp is this going to be?!? I've got to be ready... I care, and I am going to keep trying. I hurt very badly today, and I kept trying not to think about it. But I think that is wrong, way. Because it hurts anyway. I think to accept this I can see what kind of life I can make with it. Lately I stub my toes a lot, and I think God wouldn't want it to be like this, but maybe that is how I am finally going to learn how to watch where I put my feet, if you know what I mean. It can be as simple as that...
It is an interesting idea to address you as, "Arun", seems quite a bit more personal, but I have never wanted to not respect your accomplishments. I am feeling a lot more like a person instead of an AVP. Life has been very crisp to me this week.
I hope you understand what I meant as I last wrote you. I do not fully understand my struggle between the artist/writer, and the thinker/banker. I try to understand the aspects of myself as facets of a gem... that is how I like to see them, but then they are separate things, not joined so much, as somehow attached at an angle.
It has been a very hard week, Dr. Arun, for me. Arun, it has been a hard week for me. Less hard if I think I address you as a friend, somehow the intimacy of friendship provides strength in itself to lessen the hardship. I got in a lot of trouble this week, going back in my mind I still could not have changed it. And if I was in the same court with any other management that I've have, the whole presentation would be different, but it is not.
I don't mean to be self-consumed. I just had a pretty hard week. To know that other people are allowed to freely do things that I am scrutinized on... that is tough, but I try to think of it as making me stronger and better. So if I would stay with the bank, I would become one of their most balanced and thoughtful leaders. That is what I see. Do I want to be this some day? Maybe, maybe not. I think the best leaders are not those who do things to their subordinates like I have experienced. But I think some people become leaders who never wanted to be, or had wrong ideas about what it means to manage others. If you are so suspicious of those who work for you, what are you doing?!?
I have this nice ideal. And it is because I have also had very good management. It's like, as a subordinate, you think of your future, and parts of that are parts of them. My first boss was an incredibly short man. Probably barely over five feet tall. But I thought the world of him! He took so much time to teach me and guide me, that it was easy to find my way. This was collegiate. When I worked for the University, my first professional staff position was at the University, at the age of slightly 19 years old. And every leader there taught me with a graciousness, not a fierceness, so it is hard for me to have a "boss" like this. Hard to feel so on the line all the time, hard to feel like I can make her happy, when I really just want to make her happy. Some things I think can't be done.
On a very different subject, I got the coolest cell phone today, this thing is almost magical in my hands! It is so intuitive, that you just move your fingers this way or that, and it does natural things, and the screen is so integrated that it doesn't seem to be a different thing than the sides, these people that designed this must be geniuses! I can't describe it right enough, it's the Palm Pre, it is small and maybe the best phone I've ever had. It is so natural.
I've got way too much on my mind. Like, when am I going to get fired?!? will I find a job if so, with this medical condition(s) that I can't and wouldn't hide. I know it is a "no", so I need to come up with some other ideas fast. I think my boss's boss will offer me a position, and I think the pay will be much less. That may be okay. That might be a better situation than what I am in now. I base this on conversations I have had with my boss's boss about that status of my employment.
I've written way too much again, I don't mean to come over you like a tidal wave. Just so many thoughts. And I know what you said. You are right that my boss wants to be seen as strict. It is so difficult to feel this wave of bitterness coming from her, when there is no hostility on my end. I am like a whipped puppy. heh, no need to be so bitter towards me, I punish myself quite well. Why be so harsh always towards me? what cotton ball does she want to crush!?! Just kidding. I could write you all night, it feels good to confide in you, nice to write you, good to hear from you, I wait sometimes like a little kid for a pen pal, to hear from you. You seem always wise. Always patient, always kind. That is a very nice thing in my life.
Sorry for the mini-novel... thanks for your kind and balanced perspective. I really listen to what you write.
Be aware, I will steal your Palm Pre. Not yet available in India, give me an opportunity and your's is gone. Love these.
I do see you the future leader of your bank. In all sincerity I feel, you are an asset to the bank.
Have a lovely week-end.
No, problems at all, Deb.
All my lecture slide shows are prepared post dinner. My relatives do instant messages me almost weekly (despite they know), why I am up at midnight. I never log out from anywhere. I don't know, if I told you, I am professor and head of the department in a medical college here. I relish my clinical teaching and demonstration of surgical procedures to students. The other day we were conducting practical examination in surgery. The external examiner (who comes from another university) was saying me that my students are one of the best across the North India. I take pride in it. My teaching keeps me young and enthusiastic.
That is very impressive, Dr. Arun. I had a little idea from some of the things I read. I am sure you are a great teacher, your knowledge is evident and you seem so patient. Me, I'm just a sometimes insomniac who sometimes forgets to log out! I can tell you that you naturally do inspire greatness, too... :-) I always want to be better, thinking of you... it would be an honor to be one of your students, I can bet they feel that way.
I have wondered sometimes, how do you do all that you do!!! I remember back in Atlanta, I was a newly single mother, officer of the bank, and returned to school, at Georgia State University, up until I moved to Florida. People thought that was a lot. But I loved everything I was doing. . . :-) So I imagine it could be similar with you!
Storms, again, tornados just it seems like so often lately. Not like other years when there were too many hurricanes! I guess when my son is here, I am not worried at all. But my mother was warning me today, and I told her, "I am okay!"
Maybe this weather is why I am in a lot of pain. I am glad I go see Dr. O again in a few days. Maybe I'll whine (no, I won't!). And I see the anesthesiologist again the next day.
I would invent something that would control pain while not taking a persons cognitive abilities away. Then I would be a genius! Like controlling the weather! No tornados or hurricanes!!!
:-) I hope you don't stay up too late...
Oh, wow. I lay there, and the sky cracks wide open, it feels! I know the rain is precious. I went out for just a few moments, and I was annoyed at how wet I got until I thought about Texas, and their drought. There are many benefits to living in how many places I have lived. I remember floods in Texas that made my mother nervous. I think I have made my mother nervous for a lot of my life. So I call her sometimes just to let her know that I'm okay. I was the kid who really got into a lot of life, and I have a number of scars for it. Would you believe, one day I crashed into a rose bush, and I was bleeding from an innumerable number of places because of this?
This thunder is loud and harsh. The lightning... I know it is not going to be bad, but what an impressive display by nature...
I think you must know people that live in a lot of pain, I'm just wondering how you think the people cope the best? I think obviously some people have to cope with more pain than others, and I think other people don't understand, or can't understand, because they've never experienced that realm (or degree) of feeling. I even think some people specifically don't want to understand because the idea itself is not comfortable for them. I have personally had people ask me why Tylenol doesn't help, and one of the more tough things is that people always seem to want to hear that I'm fine, or I feel like that's what they want to hear. And long enough where I am not getting better, some people just seem at a loss how to interact with me. You have to trust that I am no one looking for a "pity party". I've settled with answering that I am okay. It seems the least wrong answer. I guess I see this both through my own frame of reference and by what I can understand of my sister. I'm not sure what question I am asking. Today I had quite a bit of difficulty walking, and I know sometimes I must look funny, especially when I first start walking. I try to keep my feet and legs in some form of motion because otherwise to get started walking, is hard. Today at work, they (coworkers) were asking me a lot of questions about CRPS or RSD, and I couldn't answer all of them, even though I think I understand what ... are the reasons. And they were talking so negatively about medicines, but I tried to explain. To put it in a frame of reference so they might understand that I don't want to take medicines, but not only do they provide some relief but that I think it would be impossible for me to maintain even the kind of life that I do without medicines. They even joke (sometimes mean/demeaning) about physical therapy sometimes, saying they just don't see the point, how anyone could do these things by themselves, and I feel sometimes like they just want to forget or diminish that I have to deal with pain or the side-effects of medicines. I'm not sure what I am trying to say. Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to live in a world of difference. And I know that I can, but I don't understand people in general. My family certainly loves me, so I don't worry about that. And I do have friends who are very supportive. But some days it just takes one ignorant comment to make me feel really out of place, if that makes sense.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to ask, or say? But if they even had a half of an idea what it would be like to be even worse, and maybe that is the problem, because I can look normal. I need to understand that they can't understand, and then I think it will be easier. I don't know that I would have understood before being like this...
I think I am just thinking, trying to understand. Put things in perspective, sometimes people can come across really harsh when they ask questions, or make statements that are based on ignorance (be that: not knowing). I don't know what I'm feeling. Maybe I'm just tired! Don't feel sleepy though! :-) I wish I was a wise woman - patient, calm, and always kind... that would be nice.
Just thoughts, maybe.
I understand what you say and I too am perplexed sometimes when people who do not understand about a medical condition try to make a comment and suggestions. I agree, that is certainly painful but we have to live with them. You are a great analyzer so think a lot on these things. But they are not worth you time. Please relax.
I think Dr. O may have been in a bad mood yesterday, or else I put him in a bad mood. I couldn't give a urine sample again, right now it is a big psychological thing with me. The people in the lab laugh and laugh at me, and I laugh, but it is terrible embarassing. I showed Dr. O the paperwork from the urologist, but he was like, "what am I supposed to do with this?" Ugh. I've got a level of embarassing now that is big. He looked good, almost relaxed but upset or on edge at the same time. It was a new sense for me, and I wasn't sure how to take it.
I just feel kind of in general like it is hard to communicate. I just want to shut up for a while, if that makes sense.
I hope you are well and things are good!
Don't think this should have upset him. He likely knows this can happen and is organic problem due to the catheter mishap. May be an earlier bad mood!
Things are good here.
This might be the strongest I'm going to have to be in my life. My son told me tonight, he wants to live with his dad now. Just like that, and my ex is letting him make this kind of a decision after a few days of discussion. And I asked my ex, "Are you going to so easily let him reverse the decision?" But my ex doesn't think that will happen.
I'll let my son do it, but I wish he would give it more time. I've just got to hold on to my heart tightly. I told him I was glad he felt comfortable enough to tell me what he was thinking, and I was going to love him regardless. And that's the way it is, but how hard on my heart!
Funny how some other things seem so small now.
If ever there was a night for writing because I can't sleep...
A million things are going through my head - I never realized he wasn't happy living with me. I know we've had a rough year, but things had been going so much better for me, I was excited about how this year was going to be better.
I should have seen this coming, but now he says he'll still see me on the holidays?!? Just like that, I'm relegated to holidays, he's not even thinking once a month. When he was here, he said he wasn't scared of me, and didn't want to be scared of me, but he said he was scared of his dad.
My heart has jumped out of my chest, or fallen it feels like. I know I'll be fine, and from what I know of myself I can make this into something good. I'm just not ready for that yet. My son thinks it is a decision he can just change, on the good side I think he has been looking for his dad to be something he hasn't been for all of his life, and I think he thinks his dad can be that now, and I've had 14 years of his life. I just never thought the last four would get ripped out from under me like this.
Without child support, I don't even know if I can afford to live in this house anymore. I was barely holding on with the medical bills. Unless I can get a grip, and quick. What a wake up call! I could tell he was feeling too responsible for me, but I wasn't sure what to do about it. I ... wow. I mean, might I even move back to Atlanta, and would I want to do this? It would be better for my career in Atlanta again, but not better for the peacefulness in my life. I love living in Florida.
I've been devastated before, as you know. And I've always made something better of myself in the process of putting myself back together again. I don't blame my son or anyone for that matter, and I'm certainly not mad at him. My parents are certainly mad at my son. It's too early to try to have them not be mad at my son. But they have known the sacrifices I've made to make a good life for my son, and they know the history of the relationship between my son and his father. My son says his father has changed, and maybe he has, maybe he hasn't, but something doesn't surprise me about my son wanting to explore that. Children are as forgiving as adults should be. But it is also hard with all I know, to feel just discarded when ... I don't know. Will we be as close some day, with so many months apart? I hope, because the love of a mother is fully in me, and I know my son does love me.
If I've ever known myself, not only will I get through this, but I'll be better for it. And maybe that is what my son needs to see. I'm still the same mother and I still love him the same, I could tell he was listening for that tonight. It's just the changes are going to be quite a bit bigger than I thought they would be with him going through to high school. I guess I wondered how I was going to teach him to shave anyway... :-)
Wow, but there is one thing I am going to keep thinking, and you've read it from me before - "who is to say what is good or what is bad?" Because as the story goes, things that look even very bad at first can end up to be even better than they were before. And changes that seem good can lead to troubles or difficulty. I almost think this is going to be the re-making of Me.
Thanks for being an ear, or an eye rather.
I am extremely sorry, that I could not contact you earlier. Please ask Kyle on my behalf to reconsider the decision. For time being I am numb to learn this and cannot say much. But I am here to lend you support, in whatever small way, this mode can.
Thank You, XXXXX XXXXX
I had a feeling all night, like a hole in my chest. It even feels gaping, and vacuous. I don't think I've ever had a feeling quite like this, so emotional and physical at the same time. Thinking of the casualness with which he said maybe he'd come live with me again in a few years. There is much he is not understanding, as well as I...
It was a very good thought to ask him to reconsider. I feel that I have to be so delicate.
I'm confused. Bewhildered. Struggling to maintain (or gain!) emotional balance.
Thank you for your support. It's provided some needed comfort. My mother was so mad last night, saying things she didn't mean like, "If he thinks we're going to stop in Atlanta to visit with him, he's wrong." I SO know they would. But they can hardly stand the sight of my ex because of the history. You might be the most balanced perspective that I'll have... I hope you won't mind if I start another question eventually, this one takes so long to load! I have a number of friends in Atlanta, but even they will have anger as they helped me through some of the worst things in my divorce. They remember Kyle from when he was just a baby. Wow.
I have immense faith in your strength.
Kyle, please .......
I wish he could read that! I talked with him again today, it seems like he is willing to reconsider. I don't know, he was saying that he heard me last night when I said he didn't even give me a chance to address what may have been making him unhappy. He listed a number of things that were valid concerns, communications not being effective between us, and how he would be happier with MORE structure and less freedom. I asked him why he did not address these things when he was here, and he asked me if I had any idea at all. It retrospect, it came out as him being disrespectful to me. He said he didn't understand that was his unhappiness coming out.
I feel pretty badly for him, in the position he is in. No matter what he does now, someone is going to be unhappy. I think he is willing to come back home and see what we can work out, now the question is will his father let him, and will Kyle change his mind before he actually gets home. I almost think it will be, "how many times?" will he change his mind.
The concepts could be daunting, but I'm only concerned about getting him home, establishing the additional structure he wants that he feels is lacking, and following through. I told him give it three months at a minimum, I told him perhaps he would be happier also if he went to visit his father more regularly. His father does not request to see Kyle except maybe 2 times a year, and Kyle ... I can't recall Kyle ever bringing up a desire to go to his dad's ... which is part of why I was floored by him all of a sudden wanting to LIVE with him.
I don't know, I'm almost overwhelmed still. And I haven't talked with my ex again since last night, when he was sure Kyle wanted to live with him. My heart is still kind of sunken in my chest.
I've never thought, or expected anyone to believe, that I am a perfect parent, nor do I think perfect parents or perfect children exist. I believe in fostering healthy parent-child relationships... loving and guiding relationships. I've got to believe that all these years of a loving, respectful, stable relationship between my son and I account for something despite the last year. He did agree that we had a bad year, and that a bad year was an exception and not the rule.
I'm exhausted emotionally.
I'm grateful you're there for me to write to. My thoughts are such a mess right now, and my emotions. Right now I don't know what to expect, I know I hope he'll come home, and not have unreasonable expectations about everything being to his liking. Because I can't do that either. I'm tired, and I need a hug! Heh. I need a bath, and a nap, and an engrossing book. Or a silly show on the television. A nice song on the stereo, a good lightning storm and a solid downpour. A pastel sunrise and some pretty birds in the yard amid the baby palms I planted in the last two years. Maybe a nice check in the mail from the IRS would be good, too! I have a feeling I'll get a greeting card in the mail from my mother sometime in the next week, she always does this and I always like it and feel grateful that she cares. And I'm grateful that you care, too, I might have lost my mind in this 24-hour period if there hadn't been You, too! How you put up with me, I don't know, I am just very grateful that you do. I don't know where I might have ended up over all this time, if there hadn't been You... your patient advice and thoughtful guidance as I hope I've said to you many times before, these things you share with me are invaluable to me.
Tell Kyle, that you need him.
No, I don't think so.
Telling him that you love so much is normal and so it what you want and expect from him.
I think I understand what you are saying. He said something I didn't understand, he said to me that if I said to him "Go, then" he would have just gone. And I said back to him, that was not something I would ever have said to him! I said I'll love him whether he lives here or there, I need to remember the last things he was talking about was coming home. But I have no idea what has gone on since then. He would remember eventually. He was even saying that things his father says to him, he does not like the way his father calls him, "Boy", not by his name Kyle. I think he wants to prove something to his father by staying there, that is the thing in my heart I think... I think he wants to prove some things to his father by staying there. He can prove the same things by coming home and doing well here. And I definitely heard some things I can do better. In ways it is good that my job has become less already.
I will know more tomorrow night.
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX
But, wow, Dr. Arun, what the heck have I been doing for all these years, trying to help my son see the best in his father?!? At the moment in time when it best served him, his father took full advantage of that, and even turned it on me!!! This feels like a nightmare. I thought I was doing my son a favor, to not let him grow up bitter. And now, I'm stuck here with cats! Just kidding. I think.
I can see why my parents are angry. I don't feel the anger, but I feel just flooded. It's like there's water way over my head. It feels like drowning, I feel drowned. Even if he comes home, am I going to feel like I need to cater to his every need?
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.... but I see this playing out, Dr. Arun. The first time my son gets cold up there, he is going to be playing out a different tune. I can say this because I have been at the bad end of that gun before. He can't take the cold, neither can I. We're built on that platform together. The cold is way worse than being hot. Some of us are made that way. I would rather soak in my sweat that shiver with icicles forming on my nose.
I am so confused, I don't know if I am upset, hurt, sad, lost, oh God this is Deb Lost!
You should be able to see the one day he got too cold up there, and gave me a stare that was so intense, it has lasted over ten years inside me. This child was only five years old, and he could have melted ... ah.... nevermind, but I know what he gets like in cold, even here in Florida! Oh, my, the child has eyes like mine, he has eyes like my mothers, he has the spirit, too.
I don't know a way to explain this. They called my mother "Evil Eyes" but her name is XXXXX XXXXX she has a heart the size of Texas. So something is saying for me to sit quiet. The son is a poet the same as his mother. My mother doesn't even have green eyes, like I do, and my son's eyes are blue. He's a blue-eyed blonde. You might wonder what can that possibly matter?!? I doubt I am making sense, but there is a need in me to ... not make sense. Nothing makes sense!!! *I* don't make sense. I think I am losing my mind!
May be Kyle needs to explore the other option. Things looks rosy from far. Let him see, and decide what is best for him. Just a random thought.
I think you are right. You know, this is how much I love my son - if it is finally a good thing for him, that is a Good Thing. Before his dad got divorced again (ugh) it was not a good thing. I think as hard as it feels, I love my son that much to where my home is his home, I knew he was going to go away to college, his mind is too big for Florida!
I think there is a strange kind of peace in freedom. He is welcome if he comes home, and welcome if he stays. Does that make sense? You know I want him here, and I'll say the same to him, but I do feel it is important he knows he is welcome either way. I would not split my son in two, in order to have half of him.
I appreciate your thinking and thought process.
Maybe this is part of the problem, if he was here I would make sure he knew about and understood about the death of the former Phillipine president. I grew up learning, as a girl, and thought, Wow a woman can lead a nation. heh.
I think about my sister's battle with cancer. Everything must be kept in some kind of perspective... I think when you are a child you might not understand how much it could matter, what the size of that perspective you choose...
I've got this kind of comfort around me now, Dr. Arun. You are part of it, my family is part of it, my friends here and in Atlanta are part of it, even my son is a part of the comfort he so unsettled!!!
I think I am going to collapse in sleep again. My head is full of presidents and children and even hurricanes and the majestic Florida Sandhill Crane. They are awesome birds, they were one of the first my son and I saw in Florida, naughty feeding them french fries outside the McDonald's. Beautiful birds to see, when you see them fly overhead, you just think, "They can fly!"
Thank you so much...
I just did a nice thing for myself. I have been grilling this T-bone for over an hour, and the scent is so awesome itself. I am going to let life be good, Dr. Arun... you know? And in about a half-hour, this steak will be about right.
I feel confused, Still. Dr. Arun. Like, if I hadn't already been through so much, this would crush me. I feel my chest crushing still. But, I've got to believe it will all end up okay. He is lucky that he doesn't understand the significance of things. Lucky that he doesn't know more. And I feel in my heart like God will provide the comfort I need.
HE'S COMING HOME, DR. ARUN! HE REALLY IS!!!! My son is coming home in only seven days!!! He's already gotten past disappointing his father.
I feel like a million dollars. I feel like the most beautiful sunrise, and a school of brilliant saltwater fish in a coral reef! I feel like God reached down from heaven and planted a kiss on my forehead... I feel like the softest misty rain, and a cool breeze on a warm night. I feel like everything that is softness and light, like I could just lift off the ground with the mere thought.
Inside my heart is something truly glorious! To be down on my knees in the privacy of my home, thanking God for not only the gift of my son's life, but for the gift of his life yet again. It is this feeling as deeply uplifting as was the turmoil of wondering where I might have gone wrong. But in the heart close to God is the heart close to God!!! That doesn't even need to make sense!
How long has it been since I told my son he is precious to me?!? Too long. How long since I let my love be unbridled this way? Too long. So I cannot overwhelm him in this way. I have a capacity to love that is an infinite thing....
It should be scary , I should be scared still but I am not, and the reason is because no matter what the future brings, I know in my heart that I have the strength of love to let him go when the time comes, as I know it will. Coupled with the intensity of the potential loss is the intensity of the love that is as innocent as it always was, and it feels like the innocence of purpose.
It's not often that I've experienced this degree of elation. I'm not even sure how to express it. This kind of happiness and hope is precious, this, too.. . I am glad I could share it with you. I hope that doesn't sound weird, I think I don't know how to be this happy! This relieved, or this relief, my life. This must be what it would taste like to drink solid gold, warm and sweet like the most perfect honey. This is what it feels like to know that my son is CHOOSING to come home. It feels like one of life's greatest rewards, it feels that nice, and tastes that sweet. sweetness like the best of everything in life. Can there be an awesome contentment? Nah ... or maybe so!!!
Please forgive me, while I level these powerful emotions back out... =) So nice to feel this way!!!
I think I gushed a little much!!!! But I hope someday my son feels the level of happiness that his decision brought me today...
I never realized that I felt so fragile, Dr. Arun. I just talked to him again, he's still saying that he is going to come home. But it's like my spirit is holding it's breath. I didn't feel fragile so maybe in my recent life, until last Thursday. Not this kind of fragile where you are afraid to hold on too tight knowing that one way or another it is right that I must face this in some form, some day. Until them what I want is to be a strong mother, but loving, sensitive, and wise. A secure base from which my son always feels at home. Not like I feel right now, unknowing!!! I have chewed up the inside of my botXXXXX XXXXXp unconsciously. I need to get a grip, certainly, but not on my inner lip!!!
I think someday after Kyle goes off to college, I would actually like to get married again, if I met the right man to where I could have that kind of ease (and by that I mean a lack of unhealthy emotions). If there is going to be something I will have missed out on by marrying again late in life, I do think it was the right way for me. I have invested a lot of time and effort so that someday I could be either a healthy-minded partner or at least a healthy-minded person someday. Because, as I did, I see people getting into relationships for the wrong reasons, or worse getting married for wrong reasons. It is the same as that dream of the circle of Peace that in an unhealthy mind is actually difficult to stay within the boundaries of healthy, but after so much time of not allowing yourself (at least directly) to be in unhealthy relationships - those types of relationships become more and more uncomfortable, and the healthy relationships regain their power to be sought, valued, and kept.
I know I understand what I mean, even if I might not be saying it very well. Someday I will again let myself be embraced by that type of love and partnership, and I even feel that time is not quite here yet. I don't know if I make sense, I do know where I am heading, though... For so much of my life I have even confused the feeling of compassion within me for love of those for which I felt this. I think I have been learning one of the more challenging lessons, and I would think msybe you have, maybe you haven't seen this because it is something I hold probably closer and keep under more secrecy than other emotions. I have been working to hold and value compassion towards myself the same way I hold and give that to others. BIG life lesson, like suddenly realizing you have been taking your child's love for you or granted - even though it is good not to covet that love, not to let it be out of place because that in iteslef is a burden. The same as I felt every hug, it was obvious to me that I didn't hold enough of them long enough, nor did I tell my son as often as I did when he was only half my height, I did not tell him as often that he is precious to me. Maybe really having that knowledge could be like that one flap of that butterfly's wings, as it ripples around the globe of my son's life. My son needs to know how much he means to me, the same as he needs to not feel that this cherishing is a burden, but rather a great example of love being cherished and not misused or abused. What I feel as a mother, if I had more children, who would I be? But I don't feel more children would have been the right path for me. I know I was gushing the other night, but in the same way I do feel like thngs are set meore right, and I hope I love a long life... :-) and I hope a very good day to you, and thank you, XXXXX XXXXX?!?
Getting married would be great idea. This fills the vacuum when we are lonely. Life is sharing things. I can understand your sacrifices you made for your son. But one has to move on and has to look in future.
Here for a night, is the mother-poet in the midst of a safe fragility in waiting... I say this because I was once in this last decade accused of having a "cocky and arrogant fragility", and I thought enough about it, to try to have a concept of this... but I am not sure what it has been like to be on the other side of my heart throughout my life. I know if you were on my side, meaning as little at some times as that I did not fear you, there might also be no one who would stand up for you as strongly or fiercely. If astrology is right even on little accounts, I am as little as a Scorpio mother could be. Which means I am a fierce protector, a perseverent defender, an ancient warrior woman.
I have actually been lucky in love, I dated paratroopers and fighter-pilots. i dated the son of a Portuguese diplomat. I dated a global trader, and he still wanted to see me even after my son... did something extremely embarrassing at two years old. If I went on it would make me sound flippant I think, but I write a VP of the bank regularly, and he has know Kyle for almost all of his life, and liked him. It is as important that someone like my son, as that he possesses the capability to love him. I dated and was close friends with the produced of a morning radio show in Atlanta. One night he flew me from Atlanta to Miami, for only the night, South Beach. Dinner party for radio show insiders, way to many bottles of wine, and I watched, some of them got to insulting somehow who was more my friend than anything else, and I unleashed the evil eyes because when he was gone for mere minutes, I caught them being so disrespectful of him, that I would never be seen with them again. EVER. Nor will I ever.
I don't know what I am trying to say, but I know it is like there is a light on now, that might have been dimly lit before. I see that as many memories as I have had with my son, the time is overdue to make more.
When I get him in a little over three days, I will cherish looking into his eyes, and seeing the young man that God let me have in my life. And I know I am not suddenly going to start being the best mother in the world, but I do love my son, and I cherish the fact that I've been gifted with so many years of his life. I just hope he will give things the time to level out, the time to see that even as he explores way outside of my world, he always has a place here. He'll always find a safe haven to rest his head...
Thank you for putting up with my wandering mind, and my-sometimes fragile heart. I love that I feel so greatly, I love that I appreciate, and I love that life has lead me to feel so many extremes of emotions, and that I have seen so many beautiful as well as tragic things. Maybe I am a 37yr old not-quite-grown-up-yet-banker-poet. Quite a handful of emotions and experiencing...
Dr. Arun, could you just even let me know you are there, even if you can't say anything? One thing is that I care about you and your family, but how can I ever know?!? So if all I can hear is that you are there, that is a very nice thing, if that makes sense. I think, for people who do not think like I do or value things in the same realm of being, I must certainly sound like a major freaK! AH!!!!
But, at the same time, there is this very loud and calm thing. I can describe the way it feels, it is like a VERY heavy and warm blanket, so like that befre the feeling can wrap itself around you, you can feel the wind in it's gaps...
I am here. But you know, I don't have much to say. My full support for you is there.
I am insecure about a lot of things lately! It's not pretty! Ha! I see some things I really should change about myself. I mean, I also know everyone probably has some things they should change about themselves. Sometimes, I am just silly!!!
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX's been a rough week for my mind and heart!!! Funny, though, as things are going rather smoothly at work. Heh..
I like it when you address me as Little djb. I think the reason is that it makes me feel allowed to feel fragile and be scared sometimes, I don't know if that makes sense. But when you address me like that, I get to feel like I can be more real if that makes sense. I am a fiercely strong woman, but I'm just as human. I don't have a "cocky and arrogant fragility" ... that man caused some kind of emotional/intellectual damage referring to me that way. Not kindness, like, "Little djb". I have a tender heart, with great capacit to love and love greatly. At work today, me and the guys were trying to remember if I've ever gotten mad, I mean like really angry. I do think sometimes I get scared, and an old thing in me projects that fear as anger somehow. I seem the most angry when I am actually the most scared. But I like it when you write me as, "Little djb". It's safe place to be like that writing you.
Your support is important to me, especially right now. Maybe I even need it? I do, and I certainly appreciate it, more than I might know how to say. I am only good with words in some ways... not all ways... :-]
My support would always be there. Please remember;
1) More the things change, more they remain same.
2) Everything happens for some good.
Hello, Dr. Arun,
I think I cannot understand my son right now, but I hope to understand him again someday soon! I have not learned about the changes that teenage boys go through.
I tried to tell him that I needed him, and it freaked him out! Big FAIL on my part! I see it as pretty funny now. I found a place to learn about the physical and emotional changes of the adolescent young man (Kyle does NOT like to be called 'Boy', I think he feels belittled when his father calls him that way. It's simply not his name, so why would he want his father to talk to him that way, unless my son wanted to 'toughen up').
I'm trying to reflect in the time before I drive to south Georgia to meet up with them. I'm so glad that it is to bring my son Home rather than 'take him his stuff'! Kyle needs to have realistic expectations, too. But I will certainly NOT make him cringe by talking the whole way back! I'm a smarter woman than that, and a smarter Mother, too!
This morning, one thing I saw a need to explain to him, is that he should make an effort to understand that while I recognize he is growing up, I also could feel insecure as a result of these significant ... aw, I'm going to mess this up, but much better that I practice with you as a friend, than practice on Kyle as my son. He threw me for a real emotional loop by all of a sudden wanting to live with his father, and suddenly having been so unhappy living with me. I think one of the most loving things I can do for Kyle is help him see that it is okay to want to live with his father, without having to be angry or unhappy living with me. I think when he trusts that, we will reach a new level as a mother and a son. A good level of mutual respect and the freedom to live and grow - for both of us.
I am not a "Mommy Prison" ... I am not a S-Mother smother-mother! I am someone that genuinely loves him, and always will. Whether he lives with me, or his father, or in Massachusetts or Taiwan!
I think about this in a rather strange way, too, in that it makes me happy to feel like a "Springboard" for him, a 'place' from whenever he needs, he can always 'launch'. And by that I mean, if Life seems too cruel, come Home for a few days, and then "Lift Off" as you go along your way! That doesn't mean "use" me, it just means, "I know you are growing up, and because I love you I can feel that it must be difficult growing up with divorced parents. It must be especially hard for you, because it seems your father is finally ready to be a consistently good thing in your life, and I applaud that! Why would I think it was bad that you were happy enough there to even consider living with your father? I admire you because you are mature enough to forgive and open-minded enough to consider that people CAN change their habits, and what was once not a very comfortable place to be, can become a comfortable (or even better!) place to be over time and with necessary changes. I'm your Mother, and I love you, and I WANT for you to be happy! That is what Love Does!
I know I switched to like I was writing that to Kyle. But I see the way I want to be as his mother, and I know that I'm never going to do everything right! And it is not humane to expect me to be super-human!!! :-)
And, I want it to be okay with him if I need or expect certain things from him. Like a phone call after he arrives somewhere, to let me know that he arrived safely. That is a common courtesy, not a "stalker mother", and he should also want to not cause me unnecessary distress. I don't want to cause him unnecessary distress.
I've also started re-reading a book entitled, "The Key to Your Child's Heart" by Dr. Gary Smalley, it's not too much, Dr. Arun. This is the next section of the book of my son's life - not just the next chapter! And I feel grateful not only because he decided to come home, but also I feel grateful because I love my son, my child still, and I *want* him to live with me, of course!!! Maybe I thought that was a given, and I heard that he wasn't so sure about that. Well, I *do* want him to live with me, and furthermore, I want him to *want* to live with me... not feel like he HAS to live with me. I can draw a correlation, in that I want to continue conversing with you, although sometimes I am still not sure that I offer as much as I need with you. Trust that this feeling has grown out of a tremendous respect for you. I hope you do not feel burdened by me!!! I don't want for you to feel obligated, either. I want for you to know that your presence in my life has been a good thing, and of course I want to maintain the interaction with you. I feel like I have grown in good ways through the interaction with you. So naturally I would wish to give at least as much as I took.
My mind, racing. I think this has been the most clearly I have seen the relationship of the pain to my emotional state. The strange thing for me is that the effect seems the same from powerful happiness and experiencing beauty, as it is from the negatives of stress and fear, and that's not fair!!! Just kidding. :-)
I know I've babbled quite a bit again, but I can see that I want to head in a positive direction with my son, and I KNOW it is not all about me. I don't overestimate my importance, which is also why I know that I haven't failed my son so greatly that he no longer wants to live with me. I understand that there are things beyond me, even that have been unfairly lacking in his life. I can understand a desire to set those things more right than they have been.
Everything happens for some good. Even if it makes us insecure, who is to say what is good or what is bad? If you shift the perspective in an unbalanced way, everything can be good or everything can be bad. But that phrase has a lot of truth. Because I have lived things that could easily be seen as "all bad", but I wouldn't want to fall off the edge of the Earth like that!!! Nah...
There's still insecurity strongly in me, but there is also Joy. He'll be home with me in a little over a day. And now, isn't that awesome!!! :-)
Enjoy your weekend!
This is awesome news, Deb. Let me know when Kyle is home. Have a great week end.
This is not my son, not any man. This just was... because it is an imaginary combination of everything. I laugh, it is the captive heart looking to an imaginary outside!!! Does that make sense??? :-) Please believe this is just a poet, just me.
bold, the instant coldness somehow falls from my eyeand i heard you whisper as i walked away, so i turned...the echo of my movements seemed to hit you, though softlyand i looked to my hands. they were empty, too...
so morning cast the first dawn on you, and i looked -a fresh face, all these years i thought i knew youyet you escaped from me, the same freedom i gave youand i know i'll never get it right. i'm not meant to
slow, as if a storm could be somehow restrictedbut i wanted to embrace the winds as you driftedso quiet, so happy, so patient to escape meand i fell to the floor, to you, to yesterdays
falling asleep on the freeway, rest stop, going onuntil the signs say that you are not as far, reallyas it seems when my reach is just small, but maybeobjects could really be somehow closer than they appear...and maybe you are as close as i wish, as permanentand you gestured as i balked today, so i learned...the echo of your love seems to kiss me, though lonelyand i looked into your eyes. they were vacant, too...
so in mourning i gave the last hope for you, i stood -until the last face faded. dear, i know i so loved youyet you escaped from me, the same reason i let youand i know i'll never forget why. it's the same treason
knowing, as if an alarm should have somehow berated thisyet i still wanted to embrace you, if you wished for usso small, so happy, so latent, then again - you berated me...and i fell to the ceiling, above you, all day...
crawling through dreams to the hope of finding youdriving on, until it seems my reach is so weak!but i'm never lost, never cheating, sometimes wrongabject evaluations might not deserve all the work...
but you paused. once again i knew, by this feelingbecause it comes so much sooner than you expect it... and the miracle could ride you through the tempestand i just wish i have something more to offer you...
He will come. He has to, I strongly believe.
I'm sorry, I tried to say the poem wasn't actually about him or anyone. Sometimes to write a poem like that is as much about playing with the words and the sounds, as it might be an offshoot of emotions. Kind of like fiction.
Kyle's here, Home with me. I told him in the best way I knew how. I said, "You know, maybe I DO need you, Kyle, even if it freaks you out. Because I feel like I am what I am supposed to be, when I am being your mother."
And he seemed to understand that enough. It's like the holes are filled up, the doubt is put into a right place of wanting to be a better mother. The insecurity still kind of echoes, but every hug and each kiss on the cheek takes a little bit more of that away. When he is an adult, I will be ready to be a mother from wherever he may be. But while he's still a child, my only right place will be where he is, even if I have to follow him, for whatever reasons. For now... the balance has been set right. And my heart feels a nice comfort in which I will soon sleep, knowing I have another chance to see my son more rightly and honestly than maybe I have. He would not have had those feelings, if there had not been some point of origin. I hug him, and yes - he is taller than me now! But I feel lucky in so many regards.
On to the next chapters.
Thank you so much, for how you helped me. I felt like I lost my heart, but I just lost sight of my son. Time will move things on in a better way for all, I believe. And that is a very good thing. :-)
What a good news. I always believed, his right place is with you.
I think I feel angry, because I found out that my ex put Kyle up to not coming home. I feel anger because there have been countless opportunities I have passed by, where I could have influenced their relationship in a negative way, but because I love my son I love his sense of himself, which is part me and part his father. Why would I want my son to feel he was part-bad?
A part of me wants to call him up, and chew him verbally into little bits of the little man I think he is right now - telling a child his mother does not feed him healthy foods! How dare he!!! How does he know what we eat, except what Kyle thinks to tell him! Sometimes we make less than healthy choices, but here's a short list of what there is NONE of in this house: no candy, no potato chips, no cookies. No beer, no wine, no cordials. There's whole milk, and spring water, and natural shredded cheeses. There's fruits, and yogurts, and the worst thing I let my son have is Dr. Pepper. How dare his father say I do not feed my son healthy. But he dares, without knowing. That is why when I first talked to him, my ex told me he didn't think my son would be coming home. I guess he knew what he'd said to my son, and I hadn't. But if you are going to hijack my child, you better know who you are dealing with. Because I am a master of crafting an environment. And all bets are off now for helping my son to see the better side of his father. His father can finally take that responsibility on for himself. The NERVE, he has!
Because Kyle said it wasn't about living with his father at all, so I'm not dealing with emotional cards, I'm dealing with perceptions. And I told my son he is going to have to eat more fruit, plain and simply. I asked him, has he ever felt sick because of food that I have fed him? did he ever feel that he would be smarter or feel better if I fed him differently? You don't play a game with me that you are not matched for... I am livid, LIVID, that after all these years he tries driving a wedge between us. It didn't stop my son from coming home, and it won't stop him from staying. But I'll be darned if I can let a nice word about his father come from my mouth again, even if I can hold back the bad ones. You don't go up against my love, because it is the softest enemy you could ever choose to fight. By that I mean, I love my son in all the right ways, I want what is best for Kyle, too. And Best is also CONSISTANT, not good for a few months or a year.
Oh. I am never angry much, and I never will be. But if you try to turn my son against me, which is exactly what my ex did... he will soon realize what a prop I gave for him. My ex never has imagined how well I spoke of him!!! So, imagine, I want my son to have an honest assessment of all involved, not my rose-colored wishing his father was an honorable man.
I am SO disgusted. He tried to hijack my son, that is exactly how I feel. He tried to hijack my child!!!
Ah. I'm sorry, I obviously can't say anything like this near my son. I just have to trust that my love and listening to his words and wants will help keep my son home. I don't deserve anything but praise for the intelligent, respectful, thoughtful son I've raised ON MY OWN until my ex finally decided to get his stuff together. But then DON"T let him think he can hijack my son!
I pray I can be better, and do better, and know better, and feel better. Dr. Arun, I love my son so much, that I've honestly considered, would it be better for him to live with his dad now? But again my ex has jumped into living with a woman. He can't be alone. And she really seems like a good woman, but it is not the best way for my son to learn how to establish a life-long relationship, and I would not want my son to expect anything less than a life-long relationship. I want nothing less for him, so even now I tell him he is learning things to help him, by adjusting to helping himself be happier here, his home that always has been. There is forever and there is now. I am trying to help him see that.
Ah, I am exhausting myself. I do not like feeling Anger, so I have to crush it. By this I mean I always make it into something better, and this makes me simply unstoppable.
In fact, I think it is a folly to praise the undeserving in the naive hope that they will somehow rise to the compliment.
You've been a good friend from the other side of the planet. I'm not angry anymore. The feeling confused me, and I am glad it is over. There is a gift of dialogue it has opened between Kyle and I... I think it is a blessing to have him here, to have him telling me how he feels about things.
You know, sometimes there is a benefit to seeing things in black and white, and by that I mean when the emotions are too strong or the whole thing just too confusing to know where to start getting beyond a difficulty. I know there is nothing more important to me than raising my son so that he has the best tools inside himself for his future. He doesn't have to like me, but trusting me is very important. Believing me and believing in me is very important. Being patient with me is important as I am patient with him. It's core values, a combination of appreciating exactly who he is, while helping him see how to be so that he can respect himself and have the best possible chance of his own good future. Love is becoming much more clear to me, not as some ideal but as a living thing. Love, as an action and as decisions as balanced with love as an emotion and love as a vision. I think love feels more balanced in me, even if still not letting go of some of the insecurity that comes with such a forceful learning.
I guess I'm learning another side of things, too. I'm not miserable with CRPS - I don't like it but I don't hate it anymore either. It is important that it be put in a more proper place so that my son can have the rest of his childhood. If that makes sense. But people at work, they understand so little that they think I just need to get physically stronger and then it would go away. I'd be happy with that reality, but I don't think Dr. O would be very impressed if I chose Denial. He's been more kind to me than my coworkers, certainly, and he never had to be.
This feels like babbling - it doesn't feel profound to say to you that I think I'm seeing things and feelings things more like I think I am supposed to be. But within myself, I can see that as a kind of success, because of all this insecurity I've had regarding the troubles with my son's feelings, I can see that I stand to lose a lot if I don't make the best about what I honestly have in front of me, all things considered. I've seen people act strong but wondered, if fear was the driving force, or more of a sense of cherishing. I don't meld with Buddhism for that I do cherish things in this life. I cherish life, and I cherish raising my son in his happiness while giving him tools for his future happiness. I cherish my larger family, and I cherish sunrises and sunsets, by this I mean I feel grateful and I hold them close as I can, while as you might know one of the hardest ways I've ever loved is to hold the door open for my son and not have him feel obliged to come home. To love like that was both difficult, and easy, if that makes sense, because I could not truly be loving to my son, if I would have forced him to do one thing or another recently. I apologize for writing so much, it is just you have helped me so much to make sense of things that are so hard for me. I know I am not saying much now of any significance, but I do feel like I've grown from this last two weeks, even in calmness though what I've written to you might not seem like it. I think it seems like more of the move towards Grace. . . the appreciation for, but not the coveting, of love... and so in this backdrop, it feels Graceful to be with my son, and to see him smile, and to receive his hugs!!! It feels Graceful to not have forced this, yet to appreciate it so without making him feel too weird, too.
I don't have anything very important to say, I'm just more calm, and I feel more Graceful in that way. And CRPS will find it's place, if it just won't go away. I feel like I am a blessed woman, anyway, and I want to build more happy memories with my son.
Good Night, Good Morning, Dr. Arun...
Dear Dr. Arun,
I need to write out a prayer here, because I feel that God needs to know where my heart is as evidenced by another. It is one thing to feel something in a heart, another thing to be willing to risk the exposure to another.
I pray that my ex-husband can see and feel, in a good way, that he has an amazing son. And that this son could not have been born out of any other circumstances than our marriage and every day that resulted in his conception and birth.
I pray that my son continues to keep his mind and heart open towards his father, now that his father's life is more clear of the negative influences that caused these things, these memories and emotions which were negative, and caused my son to not feel comfortable and not feel loved and not feel welcomed with his father. I pray that those things are ALL in the past.
I pray that my son still can see me, kindly, now that his father is a better thing. I pray that Kyle does not forget all the moments, all the memories, all the times where I witnessed his entire soul lighting up, whether at 3 years old, or 5, or 8, or now. Kyle says he does not remember anything, but I know he does, somewhere inside him. You don't eat apples and gummy bears at a railroad junction in Austell, when by some miracle two trains somehow join heading in the same direction at the near-same time... the intense energy that you can feel in your stomach and vibrating on your skin, is not something you forget 7 year later.
I pray that every day, every moment, is as a sum of the moments in days and months before --- proves to be months and years better than what my son has known. I pray for peace in his soul, and passion in his heart, and beauty in his life. I pray for all of his dreams to reach fruition. I pray for my son's vision. Because his vision has a pure heart, and the benefit of mankind as his mission. I am already so proud of his spirit.
I pray for his father. I pray for my ex-husband, I pray for him to finally have found what he has been looking for in all his life. I pray for his satisfaction, I pray for his confidence, and I pray for his faith in his worth. I knew him so young, I knew his insecurities, so I pray for his old age and confidence. I know his son loves him in a pure and very forgiving way - the way I feel he always needed. I pray that my son's father be surrounded every day of his life, by obvious love. I have this, and I am so grateful.
I pray that as my son grows, he not be burdened by the guilt of his parent's divorce, and instead be able to see how rich was the love that so innocently resulted in his life, so many years later. I hope my son can see himself as the ultimate manifestation of an honorable love. I pray that my son will someday see, the purity and the strength of the love that came to be his life. I pray that my son will see this and be so proud, not ashamed. Because my heart feels this way.
I pray that I will grow, more strong, more wise, more patient, and more kind. I pray that I will serve as an example of graciousness for decades to come. I pray that I could paint a picture with words, that would make my son's children and their children proud. I pray that I could leave a legacy of love that was so strong, in which every one of my offspring could have the strength to reach amazing goals... do astounding things... go to beautiful places and meet people so precious that words are lacking.
I pray, even more sincerely, XXXXX XXXXX son hold close all those for which his heart aches with both love and concern... I pray that he discover that life itself holds more promise than his more vibrant dreams. I pray that whenever he feels lonely or scared, he can reach inside himself and feel all the love that has followed him, all the years of his life. I pray he finds a forever wife, because I can tell he will be a lifelong husband - and so he deserves no less.
I feel like I could tell you these things, Dr. Arun. When he is with me, it is so easy to feel my dreams for my son, my dreams for Kyle. By the nature of his spirit, as a man he will only let good, solid women in his life. I pray that he finds a strong, intelligent, and loving woman as his wife. So in this way, I will be gifted with a daughter, too!
I feel this love just flowing out of me, it seems to cascase, of things like fresh, cooling rain. And I can feel a dance that is only for me, only temporary, yet so here and so present, and so right!!! I've written too much once again, but I am feeling this heart so immersed in a moment or moments of things that feel so simple and right! It feels like my heart is so insecure, still, yet in the midst of this insecurity, I feel the call of a long drop off a waterfall, which says, "You will be immersed, but you will be okay here."
"You will be immersed, but you will be okay here."
In my life, a calm and welcoming, safe place...
Thanks again, if you are still awake now!!! The comfort inherent, is such a nice gift...
Did I make sense? Or were the things I thought a messed up interpretation of reality?
I feel an odd kind of detachment. I feel sometimes like I could just float away, or drift... or something I don't understand.
I think sometimes that I do not understand anything at all! I am like a little bird, with strong but little wings, who can only hope to envision great things in life. Who can only hope to somehow better things.
And, so it is...
It made a lot of sense, Deb.
I am spell bound and amazed (but this is not the first time) by your writing skills, clear thoughts and putting them in words.
Take writing as a full time job.
Kyle, has a gifted mother.
Wow, those are very nice compliments. I don't write to you with perfection as a thought... I don't write to impress you, but it is a very good feeling that you can be the way you tell me.
I wanted to tell you that for now my sister is being allowed to stop dialysis. They are even going to remove the (port? catheter?) for dialysis. She still has the port for the chemo. There is even a reason to celebrate short-term good times...
Maybe you get to play some badminton today? :-)
I've decided that I am going to ask the anesthesiologist to do this. I mean a 48-hour double epidural. I'm very serious. I think if the brain could be interrupted that long, maybe it could forget the whole pain thing.
Am I crazy?!?
I haven't been able to afford my medicines, I mean the ones like Lyrica and Cymbalta and Provigil. I just spent almost $60 on my son's medicine he needs every month. I can afford my Kadian because they have a copay assistance program. Kind of pathetic on my part, but honestly I've got to get off the brand-name stuff. I simply do not have enough money unless I borrow it! And I WON'T.
I sometimes feel like I'm not going to make it. Sometimes I see that if I stop cooking, I will lose my son, if I stop working I'll lost my job and our home, but I KNOW if I stop trying I don't have a chance. And I think the pain is too much right now because I can't afford the medicines. I could for a little while, but I just can't sustain things this way. Hope I can afford the brand-names until the patents wear out? That is a pretty pathetic way to be living. But the more I try to do for my son and my job, the more pain I have every day, sometimes in fact, in the night, one or both of my feet will have a pain so intense that I sit up, and wait for it to go away, the pain is so bad that I can't stop moving to try to make it hurt less. That is a kind of hell on earth. Something does make me more determined to beat it. But I am feeling overwhelmed by trying to hold everything together. Wondering whether I really am strong enough, or if in reality I am just like anyone else? Maybe I am average, in reality. I've been crying myself to sleep every night, in order to fall asleep despite the pain. So that is why I'm enlisting the anesthetist again. He's always been on my side. In a week I go back, and I'm going to talk to him about following through on shutting off both sides for a while. I have been trying hard enough, I think I do deserve a break. My parents would help me if I had to go back into the hospital for two days. I NEED A BREAK FROM THIS PAIN. It was one thing on one side, and I don't have any explanation for why the right side gets out of control sometimes, I just know it does, and I can theorize. I have theories.
I think I'll go take my night medicines, and hope to fall asleep quickly. I think I am so exhausted by the pain that I have to sleep well tonight. I've had that happen before.
I'm sorry, I feel like such a whiner, maybe I am.
Let me first say you that you are very strong. Secondly, never worry about the things, when you are doing them with best of your abilities. Once you start thinking about what the outcome would be, it plays in the mind and affect mind and the body. That does not help in the situation. So do best what you can and just relax.
I think I needed to hear that, Dr. Arun. I think you know more than I do, about trusting other things when giving the best of your abilities. I keep trying, but it seems I keep messing up. I don't know if it is the medicines or what, but I make mistakes that are just dumb. If I was a doctor, I would have stopped practicing medicine. But I am a banker right now, and we have checks in place. But what is the purpose of checks or check-persons if they let mistakes slide by?!? It is absurd to me. Not only that I could make a mistake like I did yesterday, but then that the person relied upon to double-check could blatantly miss. Who gets in trouble? Not the check-person, I do. When it is three-quarters of a million dollars, you don't screw up. I am lucky because this was a recoverable mistake. So far.
I am having a hard time; hard to go on, impossible not to... does that make sense?
And in the papers I have to turn in tomorrow, the defendant asked me to quantify my losses, and in a life like mine, so based on faith in myself and not relating to anything else, it is actually very hard to put into words, because then I have to ADMIT that I think I could have been more if not for a circumstance of someone else's negligence, and I have survived on the belief, as I as a poet said, "Some stomp the ground and walk upon/what is left, from everything that is gone." That has been Me, that has been "Deb", that has been a fire in my blood of passion in the positive. Not self-pity! Not "poor me!"
It disgusts me, what I am doing with the suit and I have a case number XXXXX garbage. But I will open everything to them, I have nothing to hide. I am not ashamed anymore, of anything. So open the records, let them see whatever it is they want to satisfy their curiousities. Let them try to use the challenges of my history against me. The history itself did, and never won. So I feel like even if they succeeded in further embarassing or trying to break me, I would still be like I was, and still be like I have been. And sometimes I think maybe I am not average, maybe I am actually an amazing woman, who has not only survived through a lot, but gone beyond thriving to a state that wants to approach Grace. And I will not sacrifice Grace for money, pride, or greed. I have no love of these things in me. I just keep thinking, "What if this happened to someone who was not as strong as me? without as much support, or without as many resources?" That is the reality I choose.
And I do get low, sometimes, Dr. Arun. The pain has been bad lately, but I try to tuck it in, like a blanket, to keep it close and under my control. But it isn't always, sometimes it actually is stronger than I am. But I have one thing that is MAJOR in my favor... I am also more fierce than any pain, and stronger than anything that hurts me. I am more persistant than any difficulty, and more patient than Time itself. I have proven myself to myself time and time again, so I need to think carefully about what I am willing to waste this energy for???
I guess I think I know what I mean, and if the poet could find the words...
I am sure there are a number of factors contributing to what I face right now. I am a little angry because nothing is larger than the pain. No position, no food - no nutrition. Not any hope of compensation. That is what I would want them to see. No matter what they could give me, it would not be enough to ... ease this. Unless I used the compensation to go back to Germany. Dr. O doesn't like the idea of a coma at all, because it is near death. He made that very clear. But I am near death already, living this way, and that is not drama. I don't want to live like this anymore. So my new mission is to seek out that which will alter this course, if that makes sense. If the anesthesiologist can do it, I am all with him. If someone in Germany can do that, I am all with him. You have to be living in a state like this, and have the track record of honest interruptions in my pain, to strongly feel a more thorough interruption in the pain is the answer, or at least the path I need to follow. How can ketamine give me nightmares worse than I have already had? Maybe arrogantly, I trust my history.
I'm exhausted. The pain is so ripe right now, in 3/4 of my body, it is raging and ripping and stinging and boiling, so I have one limb left. I feel it is time to shut the system down. Reboot.
Things would always get better. I can understand the problem. Somehow, I am very hopeful that you can overcome this also.
The flare-up just died out quick like almost nothing! Maybe things will get better... you know? And I can't even believe this else, but the pharmacy called because I had not picked up my prescriptions (they know me too well) and I told them I just simply did not have enough money to get the prescriptions, and they told me the one I thought was going to be $80 was only $22, and the others were no charge at all. It appears I may have reached some out-of-pocket maximum on my prescriptions, too! That's kind of sad, but it is actually great because I can keep taking the medicines that have been stabilizing things for me. It feels like I have been surprisingly blessed again. I can keep taking the medicines that have been working, that alone gives me some good solid hope.
I was becoming despondent, I think. You can be as strong as anything, but with so many things day after day not going in your favor, any one could start to wonder, "Why do I?" If that's weakness, I guess I was getting weak. If things don't go more wrong for now... maybe I can build some more strength up...
I had this glorious dream last night, it was simply beautiful in so many ways.
Somehow I came to be working in Quebec. Let me write this...
J'etais a mon premier jour de travail sur un bateau de croisiere au Quebec. En tant que mon premier jour, j'ai ete juste cense explorer ce navire grand... Il a eu dix planchers, avec les ascenseurs futuristes. Je pense que c'etait sur le cinquieme plancher que j'ai trouve une bulle en verre de plancher-a-plafond.
Dans ce travail, tout que j'ai du faire etait de saluer chacun, et voit qu'ils souriraient. C'etait un travail merveilleux! Pour inciter des personnes a sourire! Et il y avait les aperitifs delicieux a manger, tous ce que j'ai voulus... mais je n'ai pas ete permis d'avoir des entrees.
La chose la plus merveilleuse au sujet de ce reve etait que si n'importe qui voulue, ils pourrait flotter au lieu de la marche. Ainsi mes pieds n'etaient pas une issue, pas un probleme. Je senti librement, j'etais si leger et heureux, qu'il etait facile de sourire a chacun, et facile de faire a chacun le sourire. Je sais que meme dans la vie reelle, si je souris, il incite des personnes a sourire.
Mais une chose gentille, etait le logement que le bateau a subventionne. Il a ete tout entoure par l'eau, et nous avons pris une maison de bateau. Les appartements etaient verre de plancher-a-plafond, et car j'ai rendu visite a un ami, il y avait l'etendue de la ville, du beau coucher du soleil, et de tout reflete dans l'eau. Et comme dans mon passe, mon ami n'a pas apprecie la gloire du coucher du soleil, ainsi j'ai essaye. Ainsi j'ai observe le seul regle du soleil, et il m'a rappele un temps reel que j'etais dans la CN Tower à Toronto. Apras tellement longtemps de l'attente, le soleil est descendu dans l'horizon tellement rapidement d'expliquer! Tellement l'attente d'un endroit tellement haut, et de elle etait terminee en moins d'une minute!
Et dans mon reve, comme dans ma vie reelle, j'etais me suis inquiete de mon travail. Mon travail. Mon travail. Mon travail. Toujours, mon travail. C'etait un bon travail. Mais toujours s'inquietant de mon travail. Le reve etait si beau cependant... Je veux aller la, je veux trouver cet endroit. Je sais qu'il etait au Quebec.
The anesthesiologist got me in for a block today, and I'm amazed at how my blood pressure dropped by 30/20 points! He said if I start feeling like it is getting out of control, he will see me on an "emergency" basis, because he said a block will prevent a flare-up. He really seems like he cares, on the one hand it is unfortunate that none of the other anesthesiologist can do the sympathetic blocks, but he told me he would make sure that I was taken care of. That was a nice thing for him to say.
It seems reasonable - do you believe a sympathetic block can prevent a flare-up?
Yes, sympathetic blocks may prevent flare ups, though there are not much studies on it but many physician support this, as RSD is considered to be related to autonomic nervous system.
I hope after our extended correspondence, you would know that if I wrote to you with feelings that were upfront and sincere, you would not simply think I was a "drama queen"... or maybe by now you might know me better than I know myself!
I am feeling strange things, and an admittedly strong amount of apprehension about that I see Dr. O tomorrow. I have to start with yesterday.
Something went wrong with the last block, I knew it at the time, but didn't feel it until later. Somehow he kept hitting the nerve with the needle, and I told him I thought that meant he was in the right place, and he said I wasn't supposed to be in that much pain. I have ZERO negative feelings about my anesthesiologist, I firmly believe he has only and always tried to help me, and that he would only ever try to help me, and I need A LOT of help!!! LOL. I would forgive big things! :-) By that I mean I know who is on my side, and I would never (God immediately strike me dead) allow any harm to come to someone who had good intentions. And the anesthesiologist has been downright angelic, really.
I'm feeling pretty powerless, because the pain seems to be taking over me, despite my fierceness against it. I focus on calmness... like "practice makes perfect". So here is what I want to be strong enough to tell Dr. O tomorrow.
I have no idea why, except for the obvious to me PTSD, but I feel like Dr. O has too much power over me, because he is the one most in charge of my best chance of relief, and the relief has just not been even close to adequate in a while. I can only be so strong for so long, and I've got all this other stuff affecting me, and damn, I might be really strong but I'm still a woman. I feel sometimes like the world is crushing in on me, and I am so determined, but I am not a rock. I have had moments of adequate relief, and I accept that I am simply stuck with pain. That doesn't even bother me as much as feeling like I really want to trust someone who might be. no, this is it - I do not want to feel any longer like those people who think I am just weak, when they don't realize the tremendous amount of strength that I have expended to seem normal - but what I get from the people closest to me every day is a perception of weakness.
It is the people who have known me for many years, who know me best, XXXXX XXXXX friend from Atlanta, apologized to me today for complaining about his life, and I tried to help him understand that we all have our "things", and it helps me when he shares his difficulties, because then I don't feel like I am the only person in the world with challenges.
My oldest sister is still going to die, but she's off dialysis. My other sister .. wow. I love her no matter the time or space or experiences between us. And it's like, I cherish. And I think Buddhism might be a little off on whether it is good or it is bad to cherish.
It is psychologically difficult for me, that Dr. O has so much power over my pain, more than I seem to. In a psychologically-abberant way, this power makes him an intellectual threat. I can't control my pain, but he does seem to be at the helm, doesn't he? But that is not even the case. Not even the anesthesiologist can help me for very long, and so that gets to be a very lonely and scary feeling. I don't want to freak Dr. O out like my son, when I told him that I needed him, but maybe I need Dr. O, too... I get stronger when he will not increase my medicine, but I get weak, as in exhaused, too. I give everything, I do, Dr. Arun, because if I have to have this damn thing, I want to be stellar within it, too...
Babbling. Ba ba. ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba.
I talked with Consult-a-Nurse. Seems I should try to see the anesthesiologist tomorrow AM.
I know this is difficult and pain can be many times pretty severe. Let Dr. Oregon know the severity of the pain and I thinks he should be able to guide you about the further measures. Things will be better, I strongly feel. Let me know please, what Dr. Oregon and anesthesiologist say about it.
Hello again, Dr. Arun,
I saw the PCP again today, the newbie guy. As much as I liked my old PCP, I know why I switched to him. I'm glad he's young because I think he will have a meaningful career providing caring treatment to many people.
I didn't get to talk to the anesthesiologist, but he is going to do another block Monday morning - the soonest he can. Something did go wrong this last time, Dr. O checked my feet this afternoon and they were like 2.5 degrees different. Not superstitious, but it was my 13th block...
I had a very nice appointment with Dr. O today, even though I ended up crying again. But I didn't get the feeling that he thought I was being weak, instead I felt warmth from him. I don't know why I felt apprehension just because he's in charge of my pain, because I ended up feeling a kind of relief just from visiting with him. He said some things that made a lot of sense about being careful when using the words, "deserve" and "should". I love the drive there and back, because I can just Think, you know? And after more thinking, I've been burdening myself with those words... what I think others "deserve" from me, and how I think I "should" be, and feel, and do things. In some ways, it's like being inside self-imposed prison walls, and you have to push your little cell ahead of you in order to take any steps.
I told him I didn't know how to communicate to him how bad the pain gets, and that I wanted to be very strong but I also wanted to be honest what I'm dealing with. Not long afterward I asked him what I should do when I feel like I can't take it. Again he said something very useful - he told me to remind myself when it gets like that, it is temporary. I guess I've never focused on that fact when I feel overwhelmed. I feel like in many ways my respect for him broadened today, and again I want to thank you for sending me his way. You two are very special doctors... very good doctors.
He also mentioned inviting you to Cuba, and that you didn't think you would be able to go because your father is ill. I am very sorry to hear that, and also I am sorry that I have been so self-consumed over the last month (at a minimum!) ... I've been selfish to the point that I haven't even asked you lately how things are going with you. Is it too late to ask you what is wrong with your father? I know Dr. O had a look that wasn't good, but he did not give me any details...
It is diabetic nephropathy, so he needs continuous care. Despite that he is too active and difficult to restrict his activities. With age he has become a bit childish also. So a more reason for being further busy.
Good to hear about your Dr. Oregon's visit. He is a seasoned doctor.
I would like to not be a 24-hour obligation anymore. It's been a thought of mine for a while.
I am sorry that you are so busy lately! I hope that you are able to find some time this weekend to relax and enjoy yourself and you family.
Kyle and I worked on a jigsaw puzzle together until pretty late last night. I enjoy this kind of time with him, when we are working together on something. Meanwhile, he kept sharing some of his favorite songs with me. And we talked about a lot of things. My pain still isn't under control, but Kyle and I talked about that, too... and I learned that he does accept my condition. But he strongly wants me to do the ketamine coma in hope of a cure. In fact, if we recover some money in the suit, trying the coma in Germany is his top hope, not in Mexico. I'm mixed in feelings, but Dr. O is against the coma. He wants, and I have already started efforts, to do another spinal cord stimulator trial, but with a different physician.
Anyway, who knows. I was sorry to hear that your father is unwell. I hope that you can find some time to relax this weekend...
I had the first argument in a long time with my ex. He wanted to pay less child support because he's now got two BMW's and just bought a new house. Georgia state stll has jurisdiction th last time I checked. And they require 18-22 percent of the non-custodial parent's income. But my ex can't afford that now. And he seems to be ticked stll that Kyle came home to Florida.
So when he realized he was running out of excuses to lower the child supprt, he threatened to stop paying it altogether.His behavior would upset me, but I always remember how you have said tha we cannot controls the actons of another. I tried not to argue, tried to keep a reasonable tone with reaonable words... yet he accused me (over the phone) of "pushing and shoving".
Finally, he said he "couldn't stand another minute of this nonsense." and the he hung up on me.
I don't understand some people, or how people change, but then there is the possibility you didn't actually know the real person to begin with. We were married 5 1/2 years.when he moved in with another woman This was pretty far beyond what I could stand. But my parents paid for me to divorce him. Sad situation, precious son move than makes up for it!
I cookied a T-bone, very thick and big!!! on the grill, with veggies and white cheddar pasta. Kyle kept telling me how he loved it, that I got it all right, and that is was great. I've got a cool son.
I hope your weekend was good, and that your week goes well... :-)
I'm off to another block this morning. I think it will go better...
I'm getting deposed in a little over a month. I guess I should have understood that better. I just turned in the "Interrogatories" last week. If these attorneys for the Defendant get scary, I am going to slip into PTSD, I mean the fear and blocking thing.
I do have good news, Kyle tomorrow starts the International Baccalareate (sp?) program at his high school. Despite recommendations that harshly depicted his organizational skills, they decided to give him a chance and let him in. He sees this at that makes MIT possible. It was a dream years ago, but I am so proud of him for being accepted into the IB program, he will spend his high school learning through the perspective of the whole world instead of just Kissimmee or just Florida. I think it is the best possible high school he could experience. IB, International.
Sincerely, XXXXX XXXXX you are doing well, I have been thinking of you and definitely miss hearing from you.
I'm sorry, too, and it is good to hear from you. Maybe I have taken you for granted!!! Oh, no! I do have to learn about depositions in the next month. Being honest is not an issue for me, and I think if I fully understand the deposition process, I shall not be afraid to go there. The person who answered that question explained that the Defendants lawyers don't have anyone to impress in a deposition. I will think about the things he said, and learn more. If I am prepared and have a good idea what to expect, I don't think the PTSD fear-lockup thing will happen.
The anesthesiologist took so much more care with this block, more time, more picutres with the flouroscope. He adjusted where he placed the top two needles (I have five red dots now). I felt so good a few hours later when I went to work, that I did not even use my cane today! I felt kind of free, nice. He did give me a good block this time. It's 11pm and I do not feel so bad at all yet!
I WILL tell Kyle you sent congratulations... the circumstances which allowed him to get in are a blessing to us, and I made sure beforehand that this was what HE wanted, not what he thought I expected him to do.
You do such important things, Dr. Arun, that is why I do not want to ever be a burden to you. So I will miss you when I cannot hear from you, but always understand and feel it is so nice when I can hear from you. You are special to me, even to Kyle.
Oh, Dr. Arun, I had a CEO from a former employer add me to their 1st level connections today on LinkedIn. That was cool, too. There has been good things for me today, so I guess I should go to sleep soon, to let tomorrow be good if this foot behaves...
I am glad you are dedicated to your hospital. Even if I do miss hearing from you, it doesn't mean I can't wait. I appreciate you, and am overwhelmed at times by all that you do. It's inspirational! :-)
Good Night, Good Morning,