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Ask Vakul Aren Your Own Question
MBBS,DTM&H( Univ of Liverpool),34yrs experience in practice
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My situation has become so convoluted and complex that I am afraid
I have been suffering severe depression for nearly five years now. My situation has become so convoluted and complex that I am afraid to talk about it for fear of being committed to an insane asylum. But here goes.
I?m a 25-year-old gay male. In my youth I have dealt with with OCD pretty heavily, particularly in regards XXXXX XXXXX I was never involved in religion (we did not go to church but there was a general belief in God in our house) but nonetheless suffered from intrusive thoughts that I had to pray for forgiveness for (someone had once told me that I had to pray for forgiveness if I sinned, which was etched into my mind.) Someone I once sought help from (a religious person) tried to help me but only made my obsessing worse when he told me not to say a certain phrase or I would be damned. That phrase was burned into my mind and tormented me. Eventually I figured out that what I had was OCD and the symptoms went away. At this point I figured that there must not be a God because of all the pain I had gone through, and became an atheist.
For a little while I had some peace; however when I was 20, I went through an HIV scare that caused me to pray to God for help. This actually helped me as coincidences happened which I assumed were God's "answers." However, soon after this I started falling back into the old "bad thoughts" pattern, which made me feel horrible. It was then that a horrible memory hit me like a ton of bricks; I had once said the dreaded phrase that I was never supposed to say out loud one night when I was ruminating a couple of years before (I had forgotten about this.) This realization sent me into a tailspin, and my life was filled with absolute terror that I was damned for hell. The guilt was overpowering and to say that I felt "convicted" was an understatement. Also, because I was gay and all this had started because of the HIV scare, I guess I felt that God was telling me that I wasn't supposed to be gay, which caused me further confusion.
For about a month I was constantly obsessed and worried that I committed an unforgivable sin. One day while I was sitting at work, obsessing over everything, it was as if I felt my conscience "come alive," and I heard a voice inside me (not in my head, but inside of me) ask me if I "believed that Jesus was the Son of God." I felt that if I had answered yes to this question, it would not have been the truth; I then painfully answered "no." It was then that I felt something happen that has haunted me ever since; I literally felt "the Spirit of God" rise up out of me and leave me. I no longer felt any conviction or guilt. I no longer felt an impression on my conscience, nor was I worried about committing an unforgivable sin like before. It's as if God left me.
Ever since then, I have been through absolute hell. I no longer have any peace and am left wondering if God really did leave me. I do not have any sort of sex drive; my penis is chronically flaccid and I usually have to start the masturbation process to get an erection because it won't happen on its own. Even during masturbation, I have to really really concentrate to feel a connection to what I am trying to get off to as this feeling of emptiness has taken away the natural sexual attraction. I no longer feel an attraction to people that, before this all happened, I definitely would have been attracted to; I just feel that same emptiness that I have felt ever since "God left me."
The last five years of constant stress has really started to take its toll on my penis physically as well, as it will often run cold; it has gone numb in places and feels like it has shrunk and has changed to a sickly brown color. The hair on my testicles has gone brittle and is falling out; slowly it has spread to the inside of my buttocks as I have noticed that the hair there is very brittle as well. I am now having constant, stinging pain in my groinal area and around my buttocks/legs. I think that part of the reason that this has happened is because I have had a pot-smoking habit for the past few years; however, the "high" just makes me obsess and depresses me immensely. I think that the physical effects may be from the pot exacerbating my depression and feelings of "emptiness," as when I get high and depressed, the pain, penile numbness, etc. are all triggered.
I try to tell myself that God really didn't leave me; that whatever happened was just some sort of fluke and that I need to get over it because I'm just doing this to myself. But it felt so real, and the after-effects are very real as well.
I am afraid to go get help for all of this because I'm afraid that the doctors won't be able to help me and will think that I am crazy. Also, I pretty much think that I am beyond help; that this is God's punishment for "turning him down" all those years ago. People tell me that it is all in my head and that I can be helped, but I'm starting to think that this is my lot in life.
I have left out a lot of the story because it is really convoluted and I have a tough time putting it all into words that make sense. I really don't know what I expect by posting this, but I guess I just had to let it out somehow. Thank you for reading.
8 years ago via
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replied 8 years ago.
Hello.After going through your post,I felt that the first thing you need to do is change your life.Only you can do it,give it a serious try.Stop the pot,do some regular exercise,and meet your GP/PCP and discuss your problems frankly.You will be surprised by the amount of help medication can give in restoring your confidence and peace of mind.Pot develops into a habit and it changes your personality into a passive one.Please try and do something positve,I am sure someone in Heaven has his eye onyou and wants to help.Rest assured you arenever abandoned,the obsessive-compulsive phase of your life can be turned around within a few weeks.Therapy if required and drugs can help you to alarge degree,it is a matter of your reqaching out for the helping hand.
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