Hi again, Dr. Arun.
It's not tough, I get tired. I've got this friend for about 10 years now. There's a comfort that comes with that kind of familiarity, but for some reason, I haven't told him what happened to me last month, and I know I won't see Podi again.
I'm not going to wail about having an existential crisis just because I almost died. But I was supposed to have a brain MRI this morning. And I said it totally wrong about contrast dye because on the phone I said 'yes' to 'have (I) ever had kidney failure?'. And they made a big deal about it saying they couldn't do contrast (as the neurologist ordered) because I had prior kidney failure. Well, I'm the kind of dumb that pipes in, "They're fine now, all my organs failed, and they're all fine now." Now, I don't even know that this is true, I think the pancreas is an organ, too, and I don't think my pancreas failed. The point I was trying to make was that I was fine, but I think I am no good at making a point. My ex-husband said once that I couldn't make a point, that all I could do was dance around one.
What this is really about is my job. Maybe I am having more a professional crisis than an existential one. It is awesome that I make a good salary, it's like winning the lottery every single year would be for some single mothers. But I'm finally willing to pretend to confront someone about two things my boss said to me last week, my first week back to work after all that.
I was so proud, you know. This thing I didn't even know, this "sepsis" was a new word to me, you add "shock" to anything and it sounds worse. And I didn't have to go through this alone, which cushioned that shock, if I can say. But I go back to work and my boss is so irritated because I was out through their worst time of the year. She said, "you really need to take better care of yourself." I'd give her septic shock so she could try to be really physically weak and try to pee in a bedpan. Except I wouldn't. Because I am morally strong.
I am so proud, you know. Because even though I didn't know what this was, my loved ones and the medical professionals did everything right so that I could go back to work within a month. and my first week back she said to me, "Don't expect anyone here to feel sorry for you." and that idea was so foreign to me, I haven't ever (to my obvious knowledge) wanted anyone, any way, to feel sorry for me.
I'm walking with a cane. Big deal. It was a big deal back in some month last year, because I was too embarrassed to do it. When you need one, you realize how they help.
I guess it is also in another few words from my boss my first week back. She didn't know or care how much longer I could have stayed out of work. But the day I went to Ocala last week, yes the appointment took much longer than any other because for some reason I couldn't pee in a cup. But all she noticed was when I left that day, I was the first programmer gone she said. But when has she ever noticed me always being the first programmer there every day? She doesn't! She can't! Because I am always there before she is.
This is why this is all so stupid. I am a professional, a dedicated one. They took my plans away, good move because SS (Septic Shock) almost took my life away. This was the first year they didn't meet their January 1st rollout. They actually still have not rolled out 2009. And my boss said her boss wants me to prove my dedication. They play me like 'good cop, bad cop'.
Boring stuff to write about. I'm only in a professional crisis.
Three dots on an otherwise blank line are how I break thought, by the way. Like when I really want to change subjects.
I don't understand that I almost died, I know I did even if you wouldn't have told me. It is something doctors don't seem to like to discuss, I'm thinking - after an admittedly small sampling. Dr. Sanchez gave me the block and said one of my doctors called him and told him to continue the blocks, but then he wouldn't or couldn't tell me who.
I can see I really lack patience right now. I'm writing out of my ears.
I laid there so long in the ICU, some nurses were so caring, and some were nearly evil. The one who kept me on Haldol as often as she could was the most evil. Parts of it were scary, I loved so much when my family was there. And I would close my eyes to envision them when they were gone. After they let me be off sedation, I stayed awake for more than 72 hours. Christmas Eve (also my father's birthday) up through getting out of the ICU on the 26th.
I know this has to be so boring! Please forgive me!!! If you get through reading it, you can maybe pretend I never wrote it?!? It must be like me trying to watch television in there.
Over $200,000 for the hospital alone, not including the unique doctors' billings. I think I'd better not come to nearly die again! I don't know how much it costs to be on a ventilator so long. I'm just glad they didn't "pull the plug"!
Laughing is so much better than crying, and lightness feels so much better than trying to thrive off the damage that careless, gossipy words can do. When the wind blows, who can say what is good or what is bad? The famous Buddhist story with the old horse or donkey, I don't remember the distinction that well nor do I feel it is as relevant as the tale. It is not our meaning to feel sorry for others, nor should they want it. One can feel sympathy without pity and without gloating for how lucky we are to have missed the bullet, so to speak. And I can feel sympathy without comparing plights or having to know "how close" or "how much" or "how terrible".
It is like one day, I said to my uncle after hearing an unpleasant truth, all I did was look at him and say, "I'm sorry..." and the understanding was not that I felt sorry for him, but that I was sorry. In Spanish they might say it better, "lo siento" as in "I feel it" - not as "I feel sorry for you".
Ah, I think I am done blabbering. I've got a new open sore on my foot, not afraid of it but you can bet I am taking very good care of it.
All the best to you, so sorry for that you had to read so many words if you made it this far!!!
And besides, I don't like all the pokes holes from so many needles. I need a month off needles! ;-)