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Terry, Nurse, RN, BSN
Category: Health
Satisfied Customers: 693
Experience:  Adult/ Respiratory/ Neonatal ICU, Pediatric/Adolescent Care, Geriatrics, Patient/Parent Counseling
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I raised this child from 6 wweks till 2 1/4 she is now 3 1/2 living

Customer Question

I am in a custody situation with a persistant fibber, This peron went out of the country and told me she was at her sisters her sister then lied and said she was there I latter found out she was in mexico now she tells me my daughter is at day care when she isnt   she has lied to drs has nmessed with my visitation etc etc her attorney says I have a bad attitude and the court does not interviene I raised this child   from 6 wweks till 2 1/4 she is now 3 1/2 living with mom

WHAT IS the emotional effect of such lying within and constant within a relationshipo and   ongoing   as seperate parents

How do I coparent with and obstructive and manipulitive and   devious liar keep my daughter safe withot it interferring with me emotionally and causing reaction
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Health
Expert:  Michael replied 8 years ago.


If your goal is to help your daughter to grow and mature into a healthy mature woman you will need to put your anger and opinions of your ex-wife completely aside when you are with your daughter.

Children can tell a lot more about how a parent is feeling than most parents realize. If your daughter senses that you and her mommy are always angry at each other this will likely lead to emotional problems for your daughter.

The most important thing you can do is to deal with your ex-wife, the courts, attorneys, etc. without directly involving your daughter at all. When you are with your daughter, keep every single problem with your ex-wife, attorneys, courts, etc. out of the room and out of your mind. Focus entirely on your daughter and how wonderful she is.

This is the only way to prevent your daughter from being effected by such an unhappy and volatile situation.

Good luck!

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Reply to Dr. Michael's Post: That is a given I have never and do not need to worry about the effect on my daughter who after being in her mothers care for 6 months spent 6 weeks in hospital at 28 mths old bleeding from the rectum and on morphine for pain is now well although in the 16th percentile for weight in my care never under 70 th It is my strength taht keeps me from bad mouthing this woman to all and sunddry YET I need to know what effect ON MYSELF EMOTIONALLY or is normal to feel when you are constantly lied to and it effects My abilithy to have knowledge of the safety and activity of my daughter so I CAN UNDERSTAND MY FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS
Expert:  Michael replied 8 years ago.

My first suggestion would be to find a support group of men going through divorce. In a group setting you will likely find that what you are going through (such as feelings of helplessness to protect and care for your daughter as you want to) is not uncommon. People who have already gone through these situations can be some of the most helpful when in comes to learning how to handle situations without self-destructing.

If you cannot find such a group locally, I suggest you start therapy with someone (social worker, nurse practitioner, psychiatrist, psychologist, etc.) so that you have an objective person to listen to you on a regular basis and provide you with feedback and suggestions. There may even be therapy groups that someone in your area could recommend.

When you lose your wife (who is often your best support, at least initially when you get married) you can feel very alone with such overwhelming problems - dealing with your ex-wife, attorneys, the courts, etc.

Eventually, I hope that things will improve within your family to the point that court matters are finished and you and your ex-wife are in better agreement on things. I am not saying you and your ex-wife will ever be on good terms, but at least there should be some settling and calming of the conflicts over time.

This is often the case. Try to look at the current situation as a period of time that you have to survive, after which things will become easier.

Until then, look for a support group. If you cannot find one then call a therapist who has experience working with men going through divorce and child custody issues. Men have very different experiences and feelings about these issues than women do.

Customer: replied 8 years ago.
Does not answer my question , completly misses the point
Expert:  Terry replied 8 years ago.

In answer to your question, the emotional effect that a divorce has on a child is irreparable. You cannot put a bandaid on an emotional injury. Therefore try to avoid injury. Co-parenting is more difficult when the parents don't get along. Make sure you have visitation schedule from the court and focus on it and follow it. Your wife's anger will always be in the way.

I will leave the custody battle to the legal experts, but I would like to address the parenting issue between you and your daughter. A contested divorce, such as yours, NEVER ends, emotionally. When you think it is over, it is not. Always remember that you are divorcing your wife, not your daughter. You realize that you cannot control someone elses behavior, so your wife will continue on her path of doing and acting as she does, a path of destruction for HERSELF. You need to focus on yourself, your behavior and your little girl, who did not ask for the divorce in the first place! She is wanting strength in comfort, let her find it in you. If you don't have a visitation schedule with your daughter then try to establish one directly with your wife or ask your attorney to get you a temporary visitation schedule for now because it is in your daughter's best interest. Relax, enjoy and have fun when you are with your sweet daughter. Just focus on her and your love for her. Do not ask questions about her mother. Remind her that you are always there if she needs anything. When your visit with her is over, you want her to remember the fun and good things and she will look forward to being with you again. Remember, she is very young. As you move forward, try to ease up on your upset, so that you can focus clearly on what you believe in and whatever it is that you are going after. Anger tends to cloud situations. Stay focused on what you believe in.



Terry, Nurse, RN, BSN
Category: Health
Satisfied Customers: 693
Experience: Adult/ Respiratory/ Neonatal ICU, Pediatric/Adolescent Care, Geriatrics, Patient/Parent Counseling
Terry and 4 other Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.
YET I need to know what effect ON MYSELF EMOTIONALLY or is normal to feel when you are constantly lied to and it effects My abilithy to have knowledge of the safety and activity of my daughter so I CAN UNDERSTAND MY FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS

This is the question
Expert:  Terry replied 8 years ago.
Hi again,

I fully understand what you are asking and have to tell you that you can probably answer that question better than anyone. Being deceived and lied to and wondering about the safety of your daughter all the time makes you upset, depressed, anxious with worry and most of all it makes you realize that you cannot control that part of the situation that involves your wife (and your daughter lives with her). BUT you can only help yourself. THAT is all that you can do. You would benefit from a divorce group or private therapy and will make friends that understand what you are going through and you can help and share with each other, but no one can change your emotional feelings but yourself. When you can let go of the things that you can't control, then your emotional state should improve. Unfortunately, you have to rely on the court to help you and they really know nothing about you and your life. I really hope that I've answered your questions. Divorce can be very painful but is sometimes necessary. When children are involved, the pain is worse. Stay strong and emotionally healthy so that YOU can keep the pain of divorce far away from your daughter. Just enjoy her.

Take care,