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Cher
Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
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Experience:  M.A., B.A., Author, Senior Informational Specialist
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CHER, IM OPENING A NEW THREAD FOR U.

Customer Question

CHER, I'M OPENING A NEW THREAD FOR U.
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: General
Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.

Hi Steph,

Thanks for opening a new question for me; I appreciate it.

Here is my answer to your last question:

Hi again Steph, and you're most welcome!

Yes, I'm working now.

I think making the trip in March is a good idea, considering it's his birthday. What you propose to say to him is very good! Men can hold onto this type of 'failure' for a long time, but he may be holding onto it for longer, due to his disorder. If there's any hope for your friendship to resume, you need to say these words to him in person. I would not allow this to go on for years. If he says to your face, no, I can't continue this friendship, you'll have to accept it, after asking why, of course. Hopefully, he will have 'reasons' for you, for his behavior, but don't expect much. I don't think he thinks he did anything wrong and will certainly not talk about the bedroom failure. It's really not something that can be predicted because he doesn't react to situations the same as someone without a disorder.

If you go, you'll go with a positive attitude and pray that things work out. If they don't, you will resume your life and mourn the loss of your friendship. It will be difficult, but you'll get through it, like you've gotten over all the other adversities in your life over the past few years. Hope for the best, XXXXX XXXXX you can do.

Warmest regards,
Cher

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi again, Steph.

I'm going to answer your question from the other thread here, and hopefully it will come through for you. This is what you wrote:

CHER, I CAN'T C YOUR ANSWER ON THE NEW THREAD. DOES YOUR GIFT THINK HE WILL TELL ME WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS. HE SAID, HE WOULD NEVER STOP BEING MY FRIEND. I WILL TELL HIM NO, U CAN'T QUIT BEING MY FRIEND. I WOULD SAY, I HAD A REASON TO QUIT BEING YOUR FRIEND WHEN U LIED ABOUT BEING MARRIED AND HAVING A KID. BUT, I STILL CONTINUED BEING YOUR FRIEND. I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS. I HAVE BEEN A GOOD FRIEND, SINCE, U TELL ME THAT I NEED TO PREPARE MYSELF FOR THIS LOSS DOES YOUR GIFT THINK HE WILL QUIT BEING MY FRIEND? I WILL FIGHT FOR THIS. I DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING FROM HIM ACCEPT TO SAY. O.K. STEPH, WE CAN BE FRIENDS. I DON'T C HIM HAVING ANY REASON. IF HE SAYS IT'S BECAUSE, IT GOT SEXUAL. I WILL SAY, U PROMISED WE WOULD ALWAYS BE CLOSE. U ASKED ME TO COME. I WISH I DIDN'T IF I LOST MY FRIENDSHIP WITH U. THIS IS U NOT ME. I JUST WANT THINGS TO XXXXX WERE. THAT'S ALL. I WILL CRY IF I HAVE TO. HE IS A NICE GUY MAYBE, HE REALLY IS A BAD GUY AND I NEVER KNEW IT. DO U THINK THAT? DOES YOUR GIFT THINK WE WONT BE FRIENDS AGAIN? I CAN'T LOOSE THIS FRIENDSHIP TO. HE MUST HAVE LOST ALL RESPECT HE HAD FOR ME. I NEED HIS RESPECT.
---------------------

No, I don't see him rejecting/ending your friendship, but I just wanted to prepare you in case all doesn't go as you expect. What you have to say to him is good, on the off chance he seems doubtful regarding continuing your friendship. Why would he lose all respect for you? You did nothing to cause him to lose respect for you! I don't think you will lose your friendship and I don't think he's a bad guy. He can't help the way he is acting due to his disorder.

Please reply to let me know you were able to view this answer. Thanks!

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I GOT TO GET TO THIS THREAD! I ALWAYS THINK HE LOST RESPECT FOR ME BECAUSE, HE WANT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. I WAS THINKING. I KNOW MY THERAPIST SAID, ALL THOSE THINGS SO I WONT THINK OF HIM ANYMORE. I AGREE WITH U ON THAT. BUT, I HAVE LIVED IN 10 DIFFERENT STATES. WE MOVED AROUND WHEN I WAS LITTLE. PERRY, HAS NEVER LEFT ST.PAUL, MN. BUT, IF HE CALLED ME UP AND SAID, I'M GOING TO MOVE TO FLORIDA IT WOULD SCARE ME. BECAUSE, I WOULD WORRY ABOUT HIM BEING HAPPY HERE. SO THEN I WAS THINKING ABOUT HIM. HE HAS TO KNOW THAT IF I MOVED THERE FOR HIM THEN, HE WOULD BE SCARED. I KNOW HE IS ALWAYS SCARED BECAUSE, OF HIS DISORDER. SO I CAN IMAGINE HE IS THINKING SHE WONT MOVE BACK FOR ME. PLUS, HE WOULD WORRY IF I COULD HANDLE THE WINTERS. SO, I CAN C Y HE FIGURES THERE IS NO POINT IN TALKING TO ME. HE THINKS SHE WENT MOVE HERE, AND I CAN'T JUST BE HER FRIEND. Y CAN'T HE JUST C THAT HE HAS ALWAYS LOVED ME? PLUS, THAT WE WOULD BE GOOD TOGETHER.

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph,

So glad you were able to finally read my answers! Laughing

You have a point there, that if you discussed moving there with him, he got scared. If he's never been out of his home city/state, it's understandable, because he feels most safe and comfortable there.

You've always proven that you're good together, but you can only be friends. He's afraid of any romantic relationship with you. I don't see any reason why he would figure there's no point in talking to you, after all these years of friendship.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, THE ONLY THING THAT WE DISCUSSED IS HE ASKED WHERE WOULD SAMUEL GO TO SCHOOL? I SAID, WHERE I LIVE. THEN, HE SAID, WHAT ABOUT HIS DAD? I SAID, I'LL HAVE TO TRAVEL BACK AND FORTH. I SAID, DO U WANT ME TO MOVE BACK HERE? I ASKED HIM IF HE COULD LOVE SAMUEL. HE SAID, YES, I LOVE KIDS. I KNOW HE ADORES KAYLA. BUT, THAT WAS IT. I NEVER DISCUSSED IT AGAIN. BUT, WE KNOW HE CAN'T MOVE TO ME. I GUESS I JUST FIGURED THAT IT WOULD SCARE HIM IF I MOVED THERE AND WAS UNHAPPY. DO U THINK THAT HE HAS THOUGHT OF THAT? HE MIGHT THINK THAT I WANT HER HERE. BUT, HOW CAN SHE HANDLE A WINTER HERE. WHAT IF I DON'T MAKE HER HAPPY. I FIGURED SINCE HIS SELF- ESTEEM IS SO LOW HE WOULDN'T THINK THAT HIM ALONE WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY. Y DO U THINK HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH ME? COULD I HAVE DONE SOMETHING DIFFERENTLY? DO U THINK HE STILL HAS DEEP FEELINGS FOR ME? BUT, THEN Y NOT WANT ME? THANKS.

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph,

I do think the talk about you possibly moving there may have made him anxious. Although he considers you a good friend and an old friend, I think he does not want any changes in his life, and you moving there would be a change. Change causes him anxiety; he doesn't want his usual routine disrupted. He's a creature of habit--he's used to doing things in a certain way and change scares him. This is mainly due to his disorder, his low self-esteem and many people who do not have disorders are like this, too. I don't think it has anything to do with you personally, but you're taking it personally. He still loves you as a person and a friend, but the thought of you living there really scares him. It's just who he is; it has nothing to do with you or your kids.

Please remember to take a moment and rate my answers. Thanks! Laughing

Warmest regards,
Cher
Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 18583
Experience: M.A., B.A., Author, Senior Informational Specialist
Cher and 147 other General Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I WILL RATE U AFTER I WRITE THIS. CHASE, THE BOY WITH A.S. SAID THAT. HE CANT CHANGE HIS ROUTINE. BUT, HE IS GOING TO HAVE CHANGE WITH ANY RELATIONSHIP. THE NEW GIRL WILL WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH HIM. SO Y NOT ME? U DON'T THINK HE STILL WOULD LOVE TO BE WITH ME? I KNOW IT WOULD BE VERY HARD. BUT, I'M GOING TO TRAVEL BACK THERE MORE WITH MY LAWSUIT MONEY. SO, HE SAID, WHEN U COME INTO TOWN WILL DO STUFF. SO I GUESS I FIGURED WE WOULD JUST HANG OUT MORE. U DON'T THINK HE STILL LOVES ME? OR HE IS JUST LETTING IT GO. I JUST WANT TO HANG OUT WITH HIM MORE, LIKE WE USE TO, DO U C ME DOING THAT WITH YOUR GIFT? ME GOING BACK TO MN A FEW TIMES A YEAR. DO U AGREE WITH THE THERAPIST HE NEVER LOVED ME? I DON'T. CHER, I'M WILLING TO GO BACK AND FORTH TO TRAVEL FOR YEARS. IT WOULD BE FUN. I WOULD NEVER MAKE HIM UNCOMFORTABLE. I GUESS I THOUGHT IF WE HUNG OUT MORE OFTEN HE WOULD BE MORE COMFORTABLE WITH ME. CHASE SAID, THAT A.S. PEOPLE LOVE 10 TIMES MORE THAN A NORMAL PERSON. HE JUST CAN'T SHOW IT. IF I STILL LOVE HIM THEN, WOULDN'T HE STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME? I KNOW HE DID LOVE ME. WE BOTH ALWAYS DID ALL THESE YEARS. U THINK HE DOESN'T FEEL THAT ANYMORE?

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I JUST RATED U AGAIN. EXCELLENT AS ALWAYS!

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi again, Steph and thanks very much for your excellent rating!

I don't see any new girls in his life anytime soon and of course he would still love to be with you! I do think you will need to visit him to straighten everything out, but don't plan on traveling back and forth just yet. Take it slowly; see how things go when you see him in March for his birthday.

No, I don't agree with the therapist that he never loved you! That is ridiculous. I do think he still loves you, but the years, distance and circumstances have changed you both. Yes, if you hung out more often, he would feel more comfortable, but you're not planning on moving there right now. If you lived there permanently, and hung out all the time, I think he'd feel more comfortable, but I don't think he's ready for a romantic relationship with you. He's afraid he won't live up to your expectations. You wouldn't purposely make him feel uncomfortable, but he could feel uncomfortable because of his disorder.

I feel in order to keep him as a friend, right now (well, when you visit him), it has to be only as a friend and you can't push for more or it will scare him off again. It's just how he is.

Steph, I'm going to sign offline for the night, because I'm really tired, so we can continue our conversation tomorrow.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I COMPLETELY AGREE THAT ANYTHING MORE WOULD SCARE HIM. HE WOULD/HAS LIVED UP TO MY EXPECTATIONS. I WON'T PUSH MORE EVER. IT'S REALLY HARD TO KNOW THAT WE BOTH LOVE EACH OTHER BUT, WITH HIS DISORDER HE CAN'T C THAT I WANT HIM FOR HIM. I WOULD TAKE THINGS SLOW. DOES YOUR GIFT C ME HAVING MY MONEY SO I GO BACK WHENEVER I WANT? OR ANYWHERE FOR THAT MATTER. I JUST WISH HE COULD NOT HAVE TO LABEL EVERYTHING AND JUST ENJOY THE DAY. LIVE IN THE MOMENT. I CAN C WHERE HE WOULD BE SCARED OF A RELATIONSHIP. BECAUSE, I WOULD HAVE TO DO THE WORK. CHASE EVEN SAID, THAT A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANY A.S.PERSON WOULD BE VERY HARD. SO I GUESS THEY EVEN KNOW THEY R DIFFICULT IN RELATIONSHIPS. DO U THINK PERRY KNOWS HE WOULD BE DIFFICULT BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH? HAVE A GREAT NIGHT! I WILL TALK TO U LATER. THANKS!

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, DO U THINK IF I TOOK IT SLOW, HE WOULD WANT TO BE WITH ALL THE TIME? DOES YOUR GIST THINK HE HAS A ENOUGH LOVE FOR THAT? I WOULD GO REAL SLOW. TRAVEL BACK AND FORTH WHEN I WANTED TO KNOW. JUST TO HANGOUT. THANKS.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, R U THERE?

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph,

In answer to your previous post, yes, I do think Perry would think he'd be difficult to be in a relationship with, and that may be why he steers clear of romantic entanglements.

How he feels about you and if he wants to be with you all the time has nothing to do with love; it has to do with his disorder, and I don't think he would feel comfortable being with you all the time; not because it's you. I don't think he would feel comfortable being with anybody all the time. Even if you take it slow, I think his reaction would be the same. Remember the 'out of sight/out of mind' thing, present in his disorder; every time you would leave and then come back a couple of months(?) later, it would stress him greatly.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

EXPLAIN OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND AGAIN PLEASE. I JUST THOUGHT IF I CAME BACK EVERY 4 MONTHS TO HANG OUT IT WOULD MAKE HIM MORE COMFORTABLE. DON'T U THINK HE LOVES ME? I FIGURED THAT IF I SAW HIM VERY 4 MONTHS WE WOULD BE COMFORTABLE WITH EACH OTHER. THEN, IT WOULDN'T STRESS HIM OUT TO C ME EVERY 4 MONTHS. FRIENDS DO NEED TO C AND HANGOUT WITH EACH OTHER. I KNOW HE WOULD HANGOUT WITH ME. I DON'T THINK HE WOULD QUIT BEING NERVOUS AROUND ME UNLESS I C HIM MORE. SO, I WILL GO IN MARCH GET MY FRIEND BACK. THEN TELL HIM, I'M COMING BACK TO C MY FAMILY AND TO HANG OUT WITH HIM A LITTLE. SO HE KNOWS IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT HIM. I THINK THAT WOULD MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE.SO THERE WOULD BE NO STRESS ON HIM. WE CAN JUST C EACH OTHER ON HIS TIME.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

R U THERE?

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph.

I'm here. Please give me a few minutes to read your reply and then send my answer. Thanks!

Regards,
Cher
Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi again, Steph.

The out of sight/out of mind thing is when you're not with him or when you leave, he doesn't really 'forget' about you, but if you're not physically with him, he doesn't think of you as much. Also, when you leave, it makes him angry and upset. That's a side effect of the A.S.

I understand what you're saying about seeing him every 4 months, and it makes sense, but at the same time, to him, with his disorder, 4 mionths is a long time and every time you visit and leave, it might make him feel worse. It's a sticky situation and all you can do is try it and see how he reacts.

Steph, I need to sign offline for a while, so if you have additional questions, we can continue later, okay?

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, WELL, U SAID 2 MONTHS WOULD MAKE HIM ANXIOUS. SO I GUESS AFTER THE NEXT TIME I GO I WOULD ASK HIM WHEN HE WANTS ME TO COME BACK. SO, WHEN I LEAVE IT MAKES HIM ANGRY AND UPSET R U SURE? DO U THINK HE IS STILL UPSET I LEFT. I'M JUST GOING TO GET HIM BACK AS A FRIEND. THEN ASK WHEN HE WANTS ME TO COME BACK. I KNOW HE WILL SAY, I DON'T KNOW IT'S UP TO U. THEN. I WILL SAY THIS DATE WORKS FOR ME. THEN BOOK IT. DO U C ME GOING IN MARCH? WILL I HAVE THE MONEY. WILL ALL THE LAWSUIT STUFF BE DONE?

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi again, Steph.

I don't remember saying 2 months would make him anxious. Do you mean if you returned in two months or every two months?

Yes, if you ask him when you should return, he will say what you expect and leave it up to him.

Remember we discussed that you thought when you left last time, he was upset and angry because of his failure in the bedroom and also because you had spoken to John on facebook, but also due to his disorder, it's difficult for him to handle someone leaving.

I feel you will be able to go in March and all the lawsuit stuff should be done.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I'M NOT SURE IF IT WAS EVERY 2 MONTHS OR JUST IF 2 MONTHS WOULD MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE. I WILL LET HIM DECIDE. WHEN TO COME BACK. I WANT KNOW STRESS ON HIM. I JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN LIKE WE DID. THEN LEAVE, AND LET HIM KNOW I WILL BE BACK. DO U C YOUR GIST GETTING US BACK ON TRACK. WHEN I GO AND C HIM WILL HE BE EXCITED OR JUST TO ANXIOUS? I TRY TO MAKE HIM FEEL AT EASE WITH ME. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE. DO U STILL THINKS HE WOULD LOVE ME TO COME?

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph,

I think that if he knows you're coming back, when you leave, it will be better for him and make him less anxious, but remember that you said you would be back soon, and he seemed to freak out once you were home, so I don't know how that will work. When you go see him, I think he will be both excited and anxious. Even though you try your best to make him feel at ease, and you would think he should be at ease, since you're such long term friends, he can't help his reactions due to his disorder. I think he would love for you to come, but he is still anxious about it.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I HAVE ONLY A FEW OPTIONS. GO IN MARCH GET MY FRIEND BACK. HANGOUT LIKE WE NORMALLY DO. HAVE FUN WITH EACH OTHER. TELL HIM I HAVE TO DO GO. I WILL LET HIM DECIDE WHEN I SHOULD COME BACK. IF HE CAN'T I WILL DECIDE AND BOOK IT IN FRONT OF HIM. THIS WAY HE KNOWS I'M COMING BACK. ONLY TO HANG OUT AND HAVE FUN. THEN, WHEN I LEAVE HIS ANXIATY SHOULDN'T BE SO BAD. I WILL LEAVE HIM IT UP TO HIM I COME BACK. BUT, ALSO, I KNOW I WILL HAVE TO TAKE THE CHARGE IN THIS AS WELL. I'M GLAD U C ME HAVING MONEY TO DO ALL OF THIS. WHAT DO U THINK ABOUT ALL THIS? DO U C THIS WORKING? WHERE WE CAN GET BACK TO HANGING OUT MORE. THANKS!

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi again, Steph.

Your plan is good and well thought out. What's difficult to predict is his reaction when you tell him you're coming. What if you don't hear back from him again? What if you do go anyway and he's just as anxious and angry when you leave, even though he knows you're returning? I'm not saying he no longer wants to be your friend, because I mentioned previously that I think he does want to continue being your friend. We know how important this is to you, so will you go even if you don't hear from after you tell him you're coming in March?

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, ALL I PLAN TO DO IS CALL HIM FROM ANOTHER NUMBER WAY IN ADVANCE BEFORE II GO. MAYBE, WRITE A LETTER EVEN. I CONTROL HIS ACTIONS, NERVES OR BEHAVIOR. I WILL TELL HIM TO MEET ME SOMEWHERE WHEN I COME. IF HE DOESN'T AT LEAST HE KNOWS I CAN GO TO HIS HOUSE. I JUST WANT THE OPPORTUNITY TO STRAIGHTEN THIS OUT. I GUESS MORE TO RELIEVE HIS NERVES. WE CAN SPEND SOMETIME TOGETHER.I WILL ALWAYS GO IN MARCH. SOONER IF I HAVE A REASON TO DO THAT. THEN, I CAN GO TO XXXXX A LAST RESORT. TO GET OVER THE ANGER AND ANXIETY ABOUT ME LEAVING I WON'T UNTIL HE WANTS ME TO. I'M SURE HE WILL BE O.K.. SEEING SAMUEL AS LONG AS HE KNOWS I'M COMING BACK. PLUS, WHEN I'M COMING BACK. BUT I WILL LET HIM BE COMFORTABLE WITH THAT. DO U STILL C HIM MAD AND ANXIOUS I LEFT? WOULDN'T HE HAVE LET THAT EMOTION GO BY NOW? MAYBE, THAT'S Y HE KEPT SAYING IF I'M NOT FEELING IT IN A WEEK I'M NOT GOING TO. WE ALL KNOW HE WAS FEELING IT. I THINK HE WAS TRYING TO GET ME LONGER TO STAY MORE THAN A WEEK. I WILL NOT LEAVE UNTIL HE SAYS GO AND COME BACK. I KNOW HE KNOWS I LOVE SAMUEL HE KNOWS I WOULD HAVE TO LEAVE. BUT, IF HE SEES I HAVE A RETURNING TICKET THAT'S ALL I CAN DO.I WILL TELL HIM I DON'T EXPECT TO HEAR FORM U UNTIL I GET THERE. PLEASE, JUST MEET ME. IF HR DOESN'T I WILL GO TO HIS DOOR. I WILL LET HIM HAVE AN INPUT ON WHEN I SHOULD RETURN. THAT'S ALL I CAN DO. LET HIM HAVE A SAY IN ALL THIS AS WELL. MAYBE THAT WILL RELIEVE HIS ANXIETY. DO U STILL THINK HE IS MAD AY ME I LEFT? HE WOULD HAVE HAD TO LET THAT GO BY NOW.

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph.

I think your plan is great. You have thought everything out! No, I don't think he's still mad that you left. He's over that; but I do think the thought of seeing you again will make him both excited and anxious. Laughing

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I'M GLAD U LIKE THIS IDEA. HE MAY NOT WANT C ME BECAUSE OF HIS ANXIETY. HE MAY NOT WANT TO C ME BECAUSE, HE JUST DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. DO U C HIM SPEAKING TO ME. HE IS EASY GOING. HE HAS NO PROBLEM SPEAKING HIS MIND. I'M JUST MORE CONVINCING. MY MEDIATION IS GOING TO BE IN 11 DAYS. CAN U BELIEVE THIS? DO U C THERE BEING ANY PROBLEMS? DO U C IT BEING CANCELLED? THEY SAID, IF THEY CANCEL IT THE FEDERAL JUDGE WILL COME DOWN HARD ON THEM. DO U C THAT? HAVE U EVER THOUGHT THAT HE JUST DOESN'T EVER WANT TO C ME AGAIN? THAT HE HAS MOURNED THAT LOSS? I DO. DO U C ME SEEING HIM AGAIN AFTER OUR FIRST MEETING? DO U THINK HE WILL WANT ME TO COME BACK?

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, R U THERE?

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.

Hi again, Steph.

Sorry for the delay. I had to take care of some personal things as was not able to send you an answer until now.

I don't feel that he never wants to see or speak to you again. I do feel you will be at least speaking to him, even if you can't go there.

I, too, can't believe the mediation is coming up so soon! Wasn't the TV interview supposed to take place before the mediation? I don't think it will be cancelled, but if it should be, as you said, the federal judge will throw the book at them and this will be good for your case.

Can you please rate me again, or open a new question, because I am not being compensated for all these answers within the same thread. Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX it!

Warmest regards,
Cher

Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 18583
Experience: M.A., B.A., Author, Senior Informational Specialist
Cher and 147 other General Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I RATED U EXCELLENT. Y DO U THINK WE WILL BE TALKING EVEN IF I DON'T GO THERE? WHAT CHANGED YOUR MIND? ALSO, IF I GO IN PERSON WONT THAT BE BETTER?

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, DID U GET YOUR RATING?

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

R U THERE.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I RATED U ON THIS THREAD DID U GET IT?

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph,

I got my rating; thank you so much! I greatly appreciate it!

I can't be at the computer right now, as an entire carton of soda cans exploded in my kitchen. It's a sticky mess ALL OVER!!! My son and I have to clean it up and I will send you another reply when I'm able to get back online.

Thanks for understanding......

Best regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

THAT'S FINE! I HAVE HAD THAT HAPPEN TO ME TO.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER. R U WORKING TONIGHT? I UNDERSTAND FORM THE MESS IN YOUR HOUSE IF YOUR NOT.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CAN U WRITE ON THIS STRING?

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph,

I can't really stay online as the mess is still not entirely cleaned up but I thank you for your patience. I will answer your last question now.

I do think you will be talking, even if you don't go there, but it might take a while for him to start responding. I didn't really change my mind and I agree, under the circumstances that it would be better to see him in person, but I just don't want to see you hurt again, if he does the same thing after you leave. I realize you have a plan in the works for that, re: returning and telling him/showing him when you will, with a plane ticket, etc.

I wanted to let you know I won't be available for most of tomorrow, until pretty late at night. Today (Fri.) was my sister's birthday and we're celebrating tomorrow. I usually get home pretty late from our family celebrations.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I HOPE U HAD A GREAT FAMILY CELEBRATION! I JUST THOUGHT U CHANGED YOUR MIND ABOUT PERRY BECAUSE, I KNEW U THOUGHT I HAD TO GO TO MN TO WORK THIS OUT. I GUESS I JUST THOUGHT HE WOULD NOT SPEAK TO ME OVER THE PHONE OR EVER. THANK U SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING. DOES YOUR GIFT C US TALKING ON THE PHONE? I KNOW THAT HE WILL DO THIS TOME AGAIN WHEN I GO AND C HIM. SO I WILL STAY AS LONG AS IT TAKES SO HE WONT DO IT AGAIN. HE WILL KNOW WHEN I LEAVE FOR FLORIDA AND WHEN I'M COMING BACK. I HOPE U HAVE A GREAT TIME TODAY WITH YOUR FAMILY.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, HELLO JUST WANTED TO TELL U THIS. I SPOKE TO CHASE TODAY THE ONE WITH A.S. I TOLE HIM WHAT MY THERAPIST SAID, HE SAID, LOUIE MUST BE PAYING HER OFF.LOL BUT, NOE HE THOUGHT SHE HAD A VALID POINT THAT WHEN I GOT THERE HE CHANGED HIS MIND ABOUT ME.MAYBE, EVEN THOUGH HE THOUGHT I WAS BEAUTIFUL AND HE WAS SO PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE TO ME HE REALLY WANTED ME TO GO HOME. I KNOW HE WANTED ME TO STAY LONGER. BUT, CHASE THOUGHT HE COULD HAVE SAID THAT KNOWING THAT I COULDN'T. SO IT LOOKED GOOD ON HIM. CHASE, REALLY BELIEVES THAT HE HAS FEELINGS FOR ME. BUT, I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO MOURN THE LOSS OF MY FRIENDSHIP. I KNOW I DID SOMETHING TO REALLY MAKE HIM NOT WANT ME IN HIS LIFE AT ALL. I WISH I COULD MAKE IT RIGHT. CHASE AGREES HE HAS A DISORDER. SO DO U THINK THE WHOLE TIME I WAS THERE HE WANTED ME GONE? I REMEMBER ON THAT SUNDAY WE WERE GOING TO THE FAIR AGAIN, BUT, I WASN'T SURE HOW TO GET THERE. SO I WANTED TO RIDE OR FOLLOW HIM THERE. BUT, HE DIDN'T KNOW WHEN HE WAS GOING TO LEAVE. I JUST FIGURED HE DIDN'T WANT ME AROUND WHEN THE X DROPPED OF CHLOE. SO, I SAID, O.K. I'M NOT GOING TO GO. I WILL JUST C U TOMORROW. HE BEGGED ME TO GO. HE SAID, I WANT TO INTRODUCE U TO MY FRIENDS. I GUESS IF HE WANTED ME TO GO HOME HE WOULDN'T HAVE TRIED SO HARD TO GET ME THERE. WHAT DO U THINK? DO U THINK HE SEXTED ME FOR MONTHS. GOT ME THERE AND REGRETTED IT. I KNOW HE DOESN'T WANT CONFLICT SO HE WON'T TELL ME IN A TEXT OR OVER THE PHONE HOW HE FEELS. SO HE IGNORES ME SO I GET THE HINT. BUT, I WISH I COULD MAKE THIS RIGHT. DO U THINK HE IS JUST SCARED TO TELL ME TO GET LOST. BE HONEST I CAN HANDLE IT. I KNOW U WILL BE ANYWAYS. MAYBE, HE COULDN'T PERFORM IN BED BECAUSE, HE WAS JUST NOT ATTRACTED TO ME. CHASE SAID, I DID NOTHING WHEN I GOT HOME NOT FOR HIM TO TALK TO ME. BUT, I KNOW I BUGGED HIM ABOUT JOHN, AND HIM IGNORING ME. Y DO U THINK HE CAN'T TELL ME Y WE WON'T BE FRIENDS ANYMORE? WAS ALL THESE FEELINGS I HAVE FOR HIM JUST IN MY HEAD? I KNOW HE ALWAYS LOVED ME WAS I CRAZY FOR THAT? WHAT IF HE DOESN'T HAVE A.S. JUST A SOCIAL DISORDER AND ADHD? WOULD HE STILL ACT LIKE THIS. I KNOW HE HAS A.S. HE HAS EVERY SYMPTOM. BUT, WE KNOW HE HAS A DISORDER WOULD HE STILL ACT LIKE THIS? HE COULD ALWAYS TELL ME ANYTHING Y CAN'T HE TELL ME WE CAN'T TALK AGAIN.

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi again, Steph.

I'm home now and we had a very nice dinner! Thanks for your good wishes.

I agree with most of what Chase said, but I don't think you have to mourn the loss of your friendship and I don't think he didn't want you there. From what you have related here, re: the Fair, he did want you around and to be with you. All your feelings are not only in your head. You have been friends with him for so long, he has no reason to 'cut you off' suddenly. He knows you well, so he should know what to expect from you. You admitted you're 'bossy' with him, but we feel he needs guidance in some areas, so helping him decide what to do, etc., is okay. No, I don't think he regretted you coming and his failure in the bedroom was probably due to nerves and the fact that you both decided to take your friendship up a level.

You're right about him avoiding conflict and this may very well be the reason he has not texted or phoned. He definitely has a disorder--most likely A.S. and ADHD (or ADD without hyperactivity--he doesn't sound hyperactive, just has trouble focusing). Because you feel he avoids conflict and will certainly not discuss this with you on the phone or in any other way, I guess you have no choice but to speak to him in person. I don't think you should plan anything further than the initial trip in March or whenever you decide it's best to visit. You'll have to play things by ear, once there, and you talk to him. Then, you can make the decision to return or not, based on his reaction/feedback to what you have to discuss with him. I think, perhaps you're making plans prematurely re: going back and forth and going every few months, etc. First, talk to him (in person), and find out what caused this problem and then try to solve the problem, if you can. I say 'if you can', because if the problem is something related to his disorder, there's probably not much you can do about it, although it's possible you can make headway with him and understand better, where he's coming from. That IS, if he opens up to you and is honest. You can't exactly ask him if he has a disorder.

So, you need to stop overthinking this and continue with your current plan, unless something in the situation changes before then.

I'm glad you have Chase to bounce ideas off of, but remember, the ultimate decisions are always going to be yours; however, Chase is helping you understand how a person with A.S. thinks, so that's an advantage.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

THANKS CHER, I'M GLAD U HAD A GREAT DAY. I DON'T BELIEVE SOMEONE TELLS U FOR MONTHS HOW THEY WANT TO BE WITH U. PEOPLE WITH THIS DISORDER R BRUTALLY HONEST. CHASE, BELIEVES HE HAS LOVE FOR ME HE JUST DOESN'T KNOW Y HE WONT TALK TO ME UNLESS IT'S CONFLICT. THE CONFLICT OF TELLING ME HE DOES NOT WANT ME IN HIS LIFE. I JUST FIGURED PERRY WAS SO BEAT DOWN THAT HE COULD NEVER IMAGINE ME MOVING THERE FOR HIM AND ALL HIS PROBLEMS. I'M GOING TO GO BACK AND FIGHT FOR OUR FRIENDSHIP. PERRY HAS NOR REASON TO NOT BR MY FRIEND. BUT, I FEEL I BUGGED HIM ABOUT JOHN AND Y HE IGNORED ME WHEN I GOT HOME. DO U THINK THAT HE WOULD BE OVER THIS JOHN AND BUGGING HIM THING BY NOW. DO U THINK HE HAD ALL THOSE DEEP FEELINGS ME? OR DO U THINK HE JUST CHANGED HIS MIND? HE HAS ALWAYS TOLD ME WHAT HE THINKS. I KNOW I CAN GET HIM TO TALK TO ME. I KNOW I CAN TELL HIM FORGET IT I WONT DO IT AGAIN. HE WILL GIVE ME A CHANCE IF HE HAS CARED ABOUT ME THESE PAST 30 YEARS CHANCE. DO U THINK HE HAS ALWAYS LOVED ME LIKE I HAVE HIM. DO U REALLY BELIEVE HE JUST CAN'T TELL ME HOW HE FEELS SO HE JUST IGNORES ME NOT TO DEAL WITH ME. DOES YOUR GIFT C THIS JUST AS A A DISORDER THING THAT HE IS SCARED TO TALK TO ME. WHAT DO U THINK HE THINKS IF HE WOULD TALK TO ME WHAT WOULD IT DO TO HIM. I DON'T C HIS POINT IN NOT TALKING. WOULD IT SCARE HIM TO AND Y.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I'M GLAD U SAID TO GO THERE AND FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED. DO U THINK HE WILL TELL ME THE TRUTH? I THINK HE WILL TELL ME I WAS BUGGING HIM ABOUT THE JOHN THING, AND TELL ME HE "WASN'T FEELING IT" SO HE THOUGHT I COULDN'T HANDLE IT. HE WILL NEVER SAY IT WAS HIM OR HIS DISORDER. I WILL TAKE BLAME FOR THE JOHN THING. I WILL TELL HIM I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE COURTEOUS AND A GOOD FRIEND AND NOT TALK TO YOUR FRIEND WITHOUT YOUR PERMISION. THAT WILL TAKE CARE OF THAT. THEN AS FOR THE I'M NOT FEELING IT PART. I WILL SAY, I RESPECT YOUR FEELINGS. BUT, YES YOUR WERE FEELING IT YOUR JUST SCARED. I'M SCARED TO. BUT, U NEED TO TAKE CHANCES IN LIFE. BUT, I'M HERE TO GET OUR FRIENDSHIP BACK ON TRACK. BECAUSE, I DID NOTHING WRONG TO DESERVE THIS. I I KNOW HE WILL NEVER BRING UP HIS REAL ISSUES AS TO Y. THE BEDROOM THING. THE LOW SELF- ESTEEM OF Y I WOULD BE THERE FOR HIM. BUT, I WILL CRY IF I HAVE TO. THERE IS NO WAY HE IS STILL MAD ABOUT JOHN. DON'T U AGREE? PLUS, WE KNOW HE WILL NEVER SAY THE REAL ISSUE ABOUT IT BEING IN HIS HEAD. I CAN ONLY CONVINCE HIM I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE. U SAID, DON'T MAKE ANY TRIPS EXCEPT FOR THE NEXT ONE TO TRY AND FIGURE THIS OUT. BUT, I WAS WONDERING DOES YOUR GIFT C ME GOING BACK AFTER THIS NEXT TRIP? I WILL TELL HIM WHILE I'M THERE THAT I'M COMING BACK REAL SOON TO C HIM. EVEN IF HE SAID, NO. I WOULD SAY YES, I AM. U HAVE NEVER TOLD ME NO BEFORE AND YOUR NOT STARTING NOW. BECAUSE, WERE GETTING THINGS LIKE THEY WERE. I KNOW HE WILL NEVER FIND A GIRL LIKE ME. NOT ONE TO PUT UP WITH HIM. MY FRIEND SAID, AS HARD AS A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM WOULD BE I COULD MAKE IT WORK BECAUSE, OF ALL THE LOVE I HAVE FOR HIM. DO U THINK HE KNOWS NO ONE WOULD BE AS GOOD TO HIM AS ME? OR DO U THINK DO TO HIS DISORDER HE THINKS ANY GIRL WOULD BE THIS GOOD TO HIM? HE MIGHT THINK THAT ALL WOMEN R JUST WONDERFUL. EXCEPT FOR HIS X. WHAT DO U THINK? THANKS?

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, R U THERE.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, R U WORKING.

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph,

I was not working when you replied; I need to prepare supper, so I will respond to you in a little while, okay? Thanks for your patience!

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

THANKS!

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, R U WORKING NOW.

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph.

Thanks so much for your patience! I just returned to the computer. Please giving a few minutes to read your last replies and then I will send my answers.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

THANKS! I APPRECIATE IT!

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi again, Steph.

I do think that when you first came home, bugging him and the John thing annoyed him and may have made him mad, so he didn't feel like talking to you, but I agree that he should be over that by now. I don't think he changed his mind about you. He still wants the friendship, but I'm afraid he thinks you may want more, too, so that's why you have to clear that up when you see him in person.

Unless he tells you absolutely, positively, he does not want you coming back and does not want to continue your friendship (which I don't think he'll do), I do see you going back again after March. However, that's a long time away so I can't tell you I'm absolutely sure at this time.

You said that if he said 'no' to you coming back, you will tell him you never said no to me before and you're not starting now. Do you see how that might scare him? You said you have to be the boss in this situation, and because he is the way he is, I can understand that, but remember what you and he said when you first came home about 'friendship'?
I forget now, but it was something about friendship that he said and you said no, that's not a friendship. I think something within that conversation and with those words, badly affected him and that contributed to why he stopped communicating.

No, there's no doubt no other woman treated him as well as you do, and as you brought up, his ex treated him terribly. That took a big toll on his life and relationships with women, too.

What do you think?

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, YES THAT MAKES SENSE. WHEN WE SPOKE HE SAID, I'M NOT FEELING IT WHEN I SAID LETS GO ON A CRUISE. I KNEW HE COULDN'T GO ON A CRUISE. HE SAID, WE WILL TALK KEEP IT LIGHT EVERY COUPLE OF WEEKS. I SAID, THAT'S NOT A FRIENDSHIP. FRIENDS TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING. I CAN C WHERE THAT SCARED HIM. I JUST TALKED TO CHASE. HE AGREED PERRY ISN'T AN A--HOLE. JUST BRING ME UP THERE AND DO THIS TO ME. I TOLD HIM I'M JUST GOING TO LEAVE IT ALONE RIGHT NOW. THAT IF WE DON'T TALK AGAIN I WILL JUST MOURN THE LOSS. CHASE SAID NO. HE LOVES U HE IS JUST SCARED. HE SAID EVEN IF WE PLANNED FOR HIM TO COME TO NAPLES A YR FROM NOW HE COULDN'T DO IT. HE SAID GO THERE AND TALK TO HIM. CHASE THINKS HE IS JUST TO SCARED TO TALK TO ME BECAUSE, HE FEELS TO MUCH FOR ME. THEN, HE SAID. HE THINKS PERRY THINKS I'M TO GOOD FOR HIM. I SAID, CHASE U R JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE U REALLY RESPECT ME. CHASE SAID, NO I DON'T LIKE ANYTHING ABOUT MYSELF AND HE IS WORSE THAN ME. CHASE SAID, HE GUARENTEED ME THAT PERRY DOESN'T LIKE ANYTHING ABOUT HIMSELF. THAT'S SAD BUT, I KNOW PERRY'S SELF ESTEEM IS LOW. CHASE THINKS THAT PERRY MIGHT RUN ME OFF BECAUSE, HE THINKS I COULD DO A LOT BETTER THAN HIM. CHASE SAID, U HAVE TO GO THERE AND TALK TO HIM. HE SAID, U HAVE TO SPEND TIME WITH HIM SO HE CAN GET ADJUSTED TO U BEING IN HIS ROUTINE. HE SAID, JUST TELL HIM YOUR THERE FOR HIM AND TO HANG OUT. CHASE SAID, TELL HIM THAT YOUR SCARED TO. CHASE SAID, FOR ME TO STAY A FEW WEEKS THEN, WHEN U GET READY TO LEAVE ASK HIM HOW LONG HE WANTS U TO STAY WHEN U COME BACK. HE SAID TAKE IT SLOW. I TOLD CHASE I WAS SCARED. HE SAID, THE ONLY WAY HE WOULD PUSH ME AWAY IS BECAUSE, HE IS SO SCARED. CHASE SAID THERE IS MANY REASONS Y HE IS DOING THIS. BUT, THERE IS ONLY 1 REASON HE WOULD BE AN A--HOLE. CHASE SAID, HE ISN'T A JERK SO NOW U KNOW IT HAS TO BE HIS FEELINGS FOR U R SO STRONG HE CAN'T DEAL WITH IT. CHASE BELIEVES HE LOVES ME BUT, I'M NOT IN MN TO C EVERYDAY. I DON'T THINK PERRY THINKS I'M TO GOOD FOR HIM. I DO BELIEVE HE IS BEAT DOWN. BUT, WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT ME? THAT PERRY IS BEAT DOWN AND DOESN'T EVEN WANT ME IN HIS LIFE. WHAT DO U THINK ABOUT WHAT CHASE SAID.

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph,

Chase makes some good points, but if you go there in March and stay a few weeks, once you leave, Perry will feel 'down' again, and miss you more. Of course I don't think you should plan on moving there at this time. Things are too much up in the air to make any definite plans and we've discussed this in the past, but remember, the longer you stay and start getting into his routine, he will expect you to continue to be there, if all goes as you hope. You have to leave, because your family, home and life is here, in Florida. You might consider moving there, as we've discussed, but this is a 'wait and see' situation.

Once you get your friendship back on track, which should be the objective for the time being, you can take it from there. I do think he is afraid of almost anything that breaks his routine. Even your visit might make him very anxious even though you know each other so well, but his self-esteem is always so low due to his disorder.

I think your idea of just leaving it as it is for now, is a good one. Unless he should contact you, which I don't see happening in the near future. You'll make the trip in March and then see how things go.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I'M NOT MOVING THERE UNLESS HE WANTED ME TO. CHASE SAID, THAT WHEN I LEAVE HE WILL JUST IGNORE ME AGAIN. SO I SAID, THAT'S Y I WILL TELL PERRY WHEN DO U WANT ME BACK? DO U AGREE WITH CHASE THAT HE IS NOT AN A--HOLE. DO U THINK HE BECAME ONE? IF PERRY'S SELF ESTEEM IS SO LOW Y WOULD HE DO THIS TO ME? DOES HE THINK THAT LITTLE OF ME. CHASE WANTS TO MEET PERRY SO HE CAN TELL ME EXACTLY HOW HE THINKS AND FEELS. BUT, CHASE WILL NOT LEAVE THE STATE WITHOUT MY COUSINS WIFE. HE WOULD BE TO SCARED FOR THAT. I HOPE THEY COME WITH ME. THAT WOULD BE GREAT TO HAVE CHASE THERE. MY MEDIATION IS NEXT WEEK. DO U STILL C THAT GOING WELL? I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S HERE. CHASE WANTS ME TO GO TO MN SOONER BECAUSE, HE THINKS THE MORE TIME THAT GOES BY HE THINKS PERRY WILL THINK I DON'T CARE. BUT, I'M NOT GOING TO GO THERE SOON. DO U THINK WITH PERRY'S SELF ESTEEM ISSUES DO U THINK HE THINKS I DON'T THINK ABOUT HIM. I HAVEN'T TRIED TO CONTACT HIM AT ALL. DO U ME GETTING MY MONEY SOON.

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph,

I've told you a long time ago, I didn't think he was an a-hole. What he did doesn't mean he thinks that little of you. Yes, his self-esteem is low most likely due to his disorder. I agree with you waiting to go there and not contacting him. You contacted him many times, and sent Chloe the watch and didn't even get a thank you. You made the effort and he never responded. He may think you don't think of him, but how could he, after all you've said and done to try to get him to answer your texts and phone calls?

I can't believe the mediation is almost here! What is the date? I think it will go well, but there still may be some 'bugs' to work out. You told me your 'press' would be out before the mediation. Has it debuted yet?

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, THE MEDIATION IS A WEEK FROM TUESDAY. WE DON'T KNOW WHEN THE SHOW WILL AIR. HOPEFULLY, WE WILL KNOW WHEN I GO TO MY ATTY'S NEXT WEEK. I'M GLAD U C IT SETTLING. U HAVE ALWAYS BEEN RIGHT IN THE PAST. U KNOW I DID DO A LOT OF GOOD THINGS FOR HIM AND CHLOE. I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. CHASE, INFORMS ME HOW BAD THIS DISORDER IS. HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE IT THAT BAD. I KNOW PERRY HAS IT WORSE. CHASE IS JUST CONVINCED THE REASON HE WONT GET BACK TO ME IS BECAUSE PERRY THINKS I'M TO GOOD FOR HIM. BUT, LOOK HOW HE TREATS ME HE ACTS LIKE HE IS TO GOOD FOR ME. DO U THINK PERRY THINKS HE IS TO GOOD FOR ME. I WAS WITH KAYLA TODAY. DO U C US HAVING MY MONEY FOR CHRISTMAS? I WANT TO TAKE A LITTLE TRIP WITH THE KIDS. DO U C ME HAPPY AFTER THE MEDIATION. I WANT THIS ALL TO GO AWAY.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

R U STILL WORKING?

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph,

I'm here. I had to step away from the computer for a short while.

I know you did a lot of good things for him and Chloe. I do not think he thinks you're too good for him. Maybe he thinks your life is more 'normal' than his is and he wants you to be happy, so he thinks if he stays away, maybe that will happen. But, he doesn't know he's making you miserable with the way he's acting.

I'm glad you got to spend time with Kayla today! Does she come home often, since the school is nearby? How far of a drive is it from you?

I'm not sure if you will have your money by Christmas, because even if it settles, it might take some time to get the money or get all of it. I do see you happy after the mediation and I understand how much you can't wait for this to be over. What you're being made to go through is awful!

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, AFTER MEDIATION THEY HAVE 30 DAYS TO PAY ME. BUT, IT HAS NEVER GONE THAT LONG TO GET PAID MY ATTORNEY SAID. SO I EXPECT TO HAVE THE MONEY BY CHRISTMAS. Y DO U REALLY THINK PERRY WONT TALK TO ME? AM I JUST TRYING TO CONVINCE MYSELF THAT HE JUST DOESN'T WANT ANYTHING MORE TO DO WITH ME. I ALWAYS USE MY HEAD WHEN I MAKE DECISIONS. BUT, I WANT TO MAKE SURE ALL MY FEELINGS FOR HIM GO AWAY BEFORE I MOVE ON. EVEN IF I WAS GOING TO TRY TO MAKE IT WORK WITH LOUIE I NEED TO KNOW THAT MY LOVE FOR PERRY IS GONE. IT WOULDN'T BE FAIR TO ANYONE IF I CAN'T GIVE ALL MY FEELINGS TO THAT PERSON. DO U THINK PERRY STILL WANTS ME IN HIS LIFE? I NEED THIS LAWSUIT TO END SO I HAVE MONEY TO TRAVEL. I'M GLAD U C ME HAPPY. I DON'T KNOW IF THIS MADE THE NEWS OVER THERE. BUT, AT KAYLA'S SCHOOL THERE WAS BOY THAT RAPED 3 GIRLS ON CAMPUS. SO TODAY I ASKED KAYLA IF SHE HEARD ABOUT THE STORY. THE BOY WAS IN CLASS WITH KAYLA. PLUS, HE WAS IN HE STUDY GROUP. HOW CRAZY! THIS KID IS FACING RAPE CHARGES IN PRISON RIGHT NOW. KAYLA SAID, HE WAS A NICE QUIET KID. SHE HAS A LITTLE KNIFE ON HER KEY CHAIN. BUT, NOW LOUIE AND I R GOING TO GET HER SOME MACE TOMORROW. CAN U BELIEVE THIS. THE WORLD IS SO SCARY. LOUIE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF THE STORY THAT WAS ALL OVER THE NEWS. KAYLA IS REALLY TINY AND BEAUTIFUL I'M SCARED FOR HER. BUT, IT WAS GREAT TO C HER. I TOOK HER GROCERY SHOPPING. I TOLD HER I WANTED TO GO ON VACATION. BUT, SHE SAYS SHE PROBABLY CAN'T GO ANYWHERE UNTIL JANUARY. I WANT TO TRADE HER CAR IN FOR A NEW CAR FOR CHRISTMAS. DO U C ME BEING ABLE TO DO THIS? C THIS STORY ABOUT THIS RAPIST AT KAYLA'S SCHOOL IS SOMETHING I WOULD TOTALLY CALL PERRY AND TELL HIM. I CAN'T EVEN DO THAT NOW. R U SURE U C ME HAPPY AFTER MEDIATION? IT IS SO IMPORTANT.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I HOPE U CAN ANSWER MY LAST QUESTION. THANKS!

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph,

That's horrible, what happened at Kayla's school. The mace is a good idea. She should also know how to defend herself. Maybe she and some schoolmates can take a self-defense course together.

Not being able to share this story with Perry is not the worst thing that could happen. I know you would 'ordinarily' call him and tell him or text him or whatever, but you know you can't, so you won't and the desire to do that will pass.

We've discussed all the possibilities why he won't talk to you and only he knows, in his A.S. mind the real reason. You know you did nothing wrong and it's all on him. There are some things you said that may have bugged him, but not enough not to talk to you. Right now, I don't think you should be planning a life with Perry. I don't think it's very easy to be with a man who has a disorder like this and you know that from speaking to your therapist and other friends and relatives. Let's take one day at a time and you will know more after you visit him in March.

I do think you'll be happy after the mediation, because your lawyer won't allow anything that does not make you happy! If you have to go further, you will. You know at the end of this process there will be money for you.

Ok, it's late and I'm signing offline.

Sleep well!

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, HELLO, HOW R U TODAY? I'M REALLY GETTING DEPRESSED TODAY ABOUT THE MEDIATION COMING UP. I'M SCARED IT WONT SETTLE. I JUST NEED THIS TO XXXXX TO GET ON WITH MY LIFE. CHER, I DON'T HAVE A GIFT LIKE U BUT, I DO HAVE A GUT INSTINCT. EXCEPT FOR THINGS THAT R TO CLOSE TO ME LIKE THIS MEDIATION. BUT, WITH PERRY I DO. I KNOW IN MY GUT HE DOESN'T SPEAK TO ME BECAUSE, I ANNOYED HIM TOO MUCH MOSTLY ABOUT JOHN. PLUS, I KNOW WE BOTH HAVE FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER. BUT, I FEEL/KNOW THAT I BUGGED HIM THAT IS Y HE WON'T SPEAK TO ME. IF I GO TO MN I KNOW I CAN GET HIM TO TALK TO ME AGAIN. BUT, I'M NOT SURE IF HE WILL CONTINUE TO SPEAK TO ME WHEN I LEAVE. I KNOW I DID THIS AND I'M REALLY DEPRESSED ABOUT THIS. I KNOW THAT WHAT I DID WITH JOHN WAS NOTHING. BUT, I CAUSED THIS. BUT, MY GUT TELLS ME HE HAS NO RESPECT FOR ME ANYMORE. PLUS, HE DOESN'T CARE ANYTHING MORE ABOUT ME AS A PERSON. I HOPE IN TIME HE WILL THINK I'M A DECENT PERSON AGAIN.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I RATED U AGAIN. R U WORKING?

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, R U THERE?

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph.

Just walked in. I was out most of the afternoon/evening.

No, no rating from you came through. You may have to open a new question for me, again, as each string is only allowed a certain amount of ratings.

Can you open the new question now, and I'll answer your most recent question? Thanks!

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I CAN'T FIND MY CREDIT CARD WITH THE SECURITY CODS NUMBER ON THE BACK. I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL LOUIE GETS HOME TO USE HIS. I PROMISE I WILL RE-RATE U SOON. BY LATER ON TONIGHT. COULD U GIVE ME SOMETHING HAPPY TO SAY I'M REALLY SAD TODAY. OH U RIGHT ABOUT PERRY'S FACEBOOK PAGE. U SAID, THAT HE WILL START POSTING ON HIS PAGE AGAIN. HE DID PUT A NEW PICTURE UP. IT'S IN MEMORY OF VETERANS DAY. HIS FRIENDS LIKED IT. I WONT CLICK ANYTHING ON IT. BUT, ONE OF YOUR PREDICTIONS CAME TRUE. PLEASE, LETS HOPE NEXT WEEK I WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN.

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph,

That's fine. I'm just wondering why your initial rating didn't go through.

I'm sorry you're feeling sad today. I still don't believe Perry is planning on never speaking to you again and wanting you out of his life. Unless he actually says these words to you when you visit in person, don't think about it until you go there. The bugging and the John thing may have been annoying to him but certainly not a reason to no longer speak to you. I don't think he's lost all respect for you. I'm glad he started posting on his FB page again, as I predicted. Maybe HE'S feeling better about himself, now and was ready to do that!

I understand why you are so nervous and sad about the upcoming mediation. You've waited so long and you deserve for it to go well and be ruled in your favor! I feel it will go well and all that's left to do is pray. You're lawyer is confident, right? So, you'll go with that good feeling and hopefully, it will all be over soon and you can resume your life without this hanging over your head. Keep positive thoughts and occupy yourself with things that make you happy like your scrapbooking! Are you still doing that? Did you tell me you did other crafts, too? I'm a crafter and love it. I haven't been too active with it lately, but when I was doing it all the time, I found it very therapeutic.

Don't worry, be happy! Laughing

Warmest regards,
Cher
Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
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Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, U MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ALL THE TIME. MY LAWYER IS CONFIDENT ABOUT THIS ENDING. HE TOLD HIS LEGAL ASSISTANT THAT IT WILL SETTLE HERE. I JUST HOPE MY LAWYER DOESN'T JUST THINK I WILL TAKE ANYTHING. HE KNOWS WHAT I WANT SO I'M SURE HE HAS TO BE CONFIDENT I WILL GET IT. YES, I SCRAPBOOK. I HAVEN'T LATELY. I ASKED FOR KAYLA TO MAKE COPIES OF HER GRADUATION PICTURES BECAUSE, I BOUGHT A BEAUTIFUL LEATHER SCRAPBOOK FOR THEM. I THINK TOMORROW I WILL SCRAPBOOK. IT'S HARD BECAUSE, IT REMINDS ME OF WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LIFE I HAD. HOW DID U KNOW PERRY WOULD START TO PUT THINGS BACK ON FB? HOW DOES YOUR GIFT WORK? U SAID, U DIDN'T THINK HE LOST ALL RESPECT FOR ME. DO U THINK HE STILL RESPECTS ME LIKE HE DID? I KNOW HE HAD A LOT OF RESPECT FOR ME. MY GUT IS GOING TO ALWAYS TELL ME THAT I ANNOYED HIM SO BAD HE CAN'T STAND ME. I WISH IT WAS JUST HIM BEING JEALOUS THAT JOHN IS MY FB FRIEND. THAT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. THAT I KNEW HE CARED ENOUGH ABOUT ME TO FEEL THAT. CHASE, TOLD ME THERE IS NOTHING HE LIKES ABOUT HIMSELF. I FIND THAT HEART BREAKING. HE SAID, PERRY FEELS THE SAME WAY ABOUT HIMSELF. Y WON'T PERRY JUST LET ME LOVE HIM?

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER R U THERE.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I WAS ABLE TO RATE U! YEA. SO NOW I KNOW YOUR GETTING PAID. LET ME KNOW U GOT IT.

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph,

Yes, now this rating came through. YAY!! Thanks very much, I do appreciate it!

I was preparing supper so I was away from the computer.

I'm so glad I'm able to make you feel better!

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I don't think Perry will ever lose respect or love for you. If Chase said there is nothing he likes about himself, that IS heartbreaking and if Perry has the same disorder, he may be feeling the same way. I don't think the John thing would make him so mad as to never want to speak with you again; however, as I mentioned previously, it did bug him and annoyed him. OK, so maybe you went a little to far with the bugging, but that's still no reason to cut off all communication.

I understand what you mean about the settlement. Your lawyer is confident it will settle, but you're afraid you might not get the amount you want. While that's always a possibility, I don't think your lawyer would allow you to accept an amount that did not compensate you for their wrong-doing.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I'M GLAD U GOT RATED. HOW DOES YOUR GIFT WORK TO KNOW THAT THIS WILL SETTLE? U HAVEN'T BEEN WRONG WITH ME BEFORE R U PRETTY CONFIDENT ABOUT THIS? IF PERRY STILL HAS RESPECT AND LOVE FOR ME Y NOT TRY TO TALK TO ME? I KNOW THIS IS HIM. BUT, EVEN CHASE SAID HE WOULD TALK TO ME. SO Y DOESN'T PERRY? I KNOW HE IS WORSE THAN CHASE BUT, THIS IS CRAZY. DO U THINK IF THE JOHN THING WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED WE WOULD STILL BE TALKING? OR DO U THINK THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED NO MATTER WHAT I DID.

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph,

Thanks, I'm glad the rating went through, also! : )

I can't describe how my gift works. It's a just instinct, like you said you felt. I'm pretty confident this will settle, but as we've discussed, nothing is for sure and this is a prediction which isn't written in stone. I'm so glad many of my predictions have come true for you and let's hope this one does, too.

That is the question of the century, why won't Perry talk to you? It makes no sense, but when you're dealing with a person with a disorder, you can't ask a sensible question and expect a sensible answer. There often IS no answer. It's just the way he is. I understand the hurt this has caused you and not knowing why is more frustrating on top of the hurt feelings, but you will not know why until you ask him outright and even THEN, he may not be able to give you an answer. HE may not know. It could have been a self-protective thing that kicked in within him and he may not be able to verbalize 'why', either........just something to think about.

No, I don't think the John thing would have made a difference. I think, subconsciously he was looking for an excuse not to talk to you because he was embarrassed re: the bedroom fiasco and that you intimated you wanted a romantic relationship. I think this scared the crap out of him! But, as I keep saying, I think it's a conglomeration of a few things and not just one thing that has brought him and you to this point.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I KEEP FORGETTING ABOUT THE BEDROOM THING. WHAT DID U MEAN I INTIMATED HIM INTO WANTING A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP? HE ASKED ME. OR WAS THAT A TYPO? CHASE, DID TELL ME HE WOULD GO INTO SELF PROTECTIVE MODE TO. THAT HE WOULD BUILD A WALL AROUND HIMSELF. I TOLD CHASE THIS IS TO HARD AND I'M JUST GOING TO GET MY FRIEND BACK. CHASE, SAID NO, THE FACT THAT I STAY AWAY HE THINKS PERRY FIGURES I DON'T CARE ABOUT HIM ANYMORE. CHASE SAID, DON'T GIVE UP. HE SAID, PERRY LOVES U HE IS JUST SCARED. HE SAID, WHEN U GO THERE TELL HIM U WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR HIM. HE SAID, TELL HIM EVERYDAY I'M THERE TO CALM HIS NERVES DOWN. CHASE SAID, IF I STAY IN MN FOR AT LEAST 3 WEEKS PERRY WILL LET ME IN HIS ROUTINE. THEN, HE SAID, U CAN GO FROM THERE. WHAT DO U THINK? I KEEP FORGETTING THAT HE IS SCARED. DO U REALLY BELIEVE HE STILL IS? WE DON'T TALK SO HE SHOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM TALKING TO ME NOW. I'M GLAD THAT U C EVERYTHING GOING WELL NEXT WEEK. I'M GLAD U C ME TALKING TO PERRY AGAIN.

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph,

I didn't mean you were pushing him into a romantic relationship; I know you were both talking about it. I think this scared him. That's why he said 'I'm not feeling it.'

What Chase is saying is stay 3 weeks to get into his routine and let him know you're not going anywhere, and THEN you're going home! This is why I think it's not a good idea to stay so long and then leave, considering how he interprets 'leaving'--as abandonment.

I don't think he consciously thinks about it, but just because you're not talking doesn't mean he's not still scared about the situation.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I AGREE THAT IS Y HE SAYS, I'M NOT FEELING IT. BECAUSE, HE IS SCARED. I UNDERSTAND WHAT U MEAN ABOUT CHASE SATING TO STAY FOR 3 WEEKS. BUT, HE SAID, WHEN I HAVE TO GO BACK TO FLORIDA, HE SAID, TELL PERRY HOW LONG YOUR GOING FOR. THEN, ASK HIM WHEN I COME BACK HOW LONG PERRY WOULD LIKE ME TO STAY FOR. I GET CHASE'S THINKING HAVE PERRY HAVE AN INPUT. THE ONLY THING THAT I CARE ABOUT IS GOING TO GET MY FRIEND BACK. I KNOW HE CAN'T GIVE ME A GOOD REASON NOT TO BE MY FRIEND. SO, I WILL TELL HIM I KNOW HE IS SCARED BECAUSE, OF WHAT HAPPENED. BUT, U HAVE TO GET PAST THAT AND MOVE ON. LETS BE FRIENDS AGAIN. DO U THINK DO U THINK HE STILL THINKS I ABANDONED HIM? I WILL PLAY IT BY EAR WHEN I GO THERE. BUT, NO MATTER HOW LONG I STAY HE WILL DO THIS AGAIN WHEN I LEAVE. SO, I KNOW I HAVE TO ASK HIM WHEN I SHOULD COME BACK. OR HOW LONG I SHOULD STAY.

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph,

I understand why Chase recommended that you involve Perry in the process of deciding when you should come back and for how long; that might make your leaving easier on him. But, when you left this time, you told him you'd be back within a comparatively short period of time.

I don't think he still thinks you abandoned him, but I think every time you leave, he will feel a little bit like you're abandoning him, and you WILL be leaving, so maybe getting his input will help with that, too.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I TOLD HIM I WOULD BE BACK IN 6 WEEKS. BUT, HE QUIT TALKING TO ME. THIS TIME I WOULD COME BACK WITHIN A COUPLE OF WEEKS. BUT, I JUST HAVE TO GET HIM BACK AS A FRIEND FIRST. DO U THINK I WILL? AS LONG AS I TRY TO CALM HIS NERVES. I WANT TO GO TO ALABAMA AND MISSISSIPPI NEXT MONTH. TO C MY FAMILY. MY MOM IS THE YOUNGEST OF 13 CHILDREN SO WE HAVE A BIG FAMILY. DO U C ME GOING? I WILL ONLY BE GOING IF THIS SETTLES NEXT WEEK.

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph,

Yes, I agree, the most important thing and the purpose of your trip is to get him back as a friend. I do think you will, once you put his nerves at ease and he knows you don't 'want' anything from him, but friendship.

Wow, your mom is the youngest of 13 children?! Your family certainly is big! I do think you'll be able to go to Alabama and Mississippi next month. Hopefully, the settlement you want will come through enabling you to do all this traveling!

Steph, I had a really long day and I'm tired, so I'm going to sign offline now. We can speak again, tomorrow. : )

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, GOOD NIGHT! I CAN'T GO TO C MY FAMILY UNLESS I HAVE MY MONEY. U C ME GOING THEN U SAY HOPEFULLY, THE MONEY WILL COME THRU. I HAVE TO ASK IT KIND OS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO ME. U C ME GOING, BUT, NOT SURE IF THIS SETTLEMENT WILL BE THERE. I'M GLAD U C ME GETTING MY FRIEND BACK. BUT, I WILL GO BACK TO MN WHEN HE WANTS ME TO. I KNOW ME, I WONT PUSH HIM INTO ANYTHING. BUT, IF I SPEND THIS TIME WITH HIM I WILL WANT TO END UP WITH HIM. I JUST KNOW I HAVE TO TAKE IT SLOW. THANK U FOR MAKING ME FEEL BETTER TODAY. DO U THINK PERRY WILL BE HAPPY THAT I TRAVEL BACK AND FORTH AND C HIM. U HAVE A GREAT NIGHT. TAKE CARE.

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph,

I do think you will get your friend back, but remember what I, your therapist, and Chase told you; it's very difficult to be in a relationship with a person who is mentally ill. I know you want to try to make his life better and happier, but think very carefully before making up your mind that you want to end up with him.

I'm glad you're going to take things slow and not push at all; you have to read his signals (if he puts any out) about how he feels about all situations. I don't mean how he feels about you, but how he 'reacts', I guess to situations in his life. I don't think he can turn his feelings for you on and off like a faucet. He still has the same feelings for you he had before, but the main purpose of your trip is to find out what made him stop communicating and fix that, to get your friendship back. Even though he does need guidance, try not to be so bossy with him and just listen to what he has to say. I don't think you'll ever determine exactly how his mind works, due to the disorder, but I believe you will gain more insight into him with this trip.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, THANKS FOR ALL YOUR ADVICE. I WAS CONFUSED ABOUT THE MONEY. U SAY I WILL TRAVEL TO C MY FAMILY. THEN, U SEEM NOT TO THINK THIS LAWSUIT WILL SETTLE. I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED ABOUT IT. I'M SCARED ABOUT MY MEDIATION. EVERYDAY IT GETS CLOSER THE MORE NERVOUS I GET. DO U STILL HAVE A GOOD FEELING ABOUT IT. I HOPE U HAVE A GREAT DAY!

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph, and you're most welcome!

I said you will travel to see your family, and I've said I thought the lawsuit will settle. I said it in the way I did because there is no way to be sure what amount you will get. I didn't mean to confuse you. I know you're scared about the mediation and you have every cause to be nervous. I do have a good feeling about it and I hope you get everything you're expecting, and more!

I hope your day is great, too!

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, THANKS! I RATED U AGAIN. I DID TEXT PERRY TODAY, I SAID, I'M SORRY, PLEASE, BE MY FRIEND. I HAVEN'T HEARD A THING. I KNEW I WOULDN'T. BUT, THEN LATER ON I SAW ON HIS FACEBOOK PAGE HE WAS COMMUNICATING WITH A FRIEND. TODAY, IS THE FIRST DAY SINCE WE QUIT TALKING HE HAD A CONVERSATION ON FACEBOOK. I FIND IT ODD THAT TODAY WAS THE FIRST DAY I TRIED TO TALK TO HIM, AND IT WAS THE FIRST TIME HE TALKED ON FB. HE PUT A NEW PICTURE ON HIS FB PAGE AND HE ACTUALLY HAD A CONVERSATION TODAY WITH A FRIEND. IT WAS RIGHT AROUND THE SAME TIME TODAY. THE CALL AND THE CONVERSATION. WHAT DO U THINK? U WERE RIGHT THAT HE WOULD START TALKING ON FB AGAIN. DO U THINK THAT WAS HIS WAY OF LETTING ME KNOW HE IS GOING TO TALK TO HIS FRIENDS BUT, NOT ME. I HOPE SOMEDAY WE CAN TALK AGAIN.

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi again, Steph and you're most welcome!

Unfortunately, I didn't receive any rating from you so I guess it didn't go through. Can you try again? Thanks! As I had mentioned in the past, sometimes you just have to start a new question because the system won't allow many ratings on one thread.

I'm sorry you got no response after you texted Perry. You said you expected not to hear anything back, so I hope you weren't too disappointed.

I'm glad that you saw he had a conversation on FB and that he put up a new picture. No, I don't think that was his way of letting you know that he would talk to other friends on FB, but exclude you. Can you message him on FB or can you not? I thought he un-friended you and your other friend. How can you even see his FB page if you're un-friended and how do you know he had a conversation today? Isn't it set to 'private'?

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I WILL TRY TO RATE U AGAIN. ON FACEBOOK U CAN C ANY OTHER PERSONS PAGE UNLESS THEY COMPLETELY BLOCK U. IF U HAVE A PRIVATE CONVERSATION WITH A PERSON IT'S KEPT PRIVATE. IF U POST SOMETHING UP PEOPLE CAN COMMENT ON IT. SO HE PUT A NEW PICTURE OF A CONCERT HE WENT TO THIS PAST SUMMER. HIS FRIENDS COMMENTED ON IT. HE REPLIED BACK TO THEM. I'M SO GLAD THAT THIS PREDICTION CAME TRUE. I CAN SEND HIM A PRIVATE MESSAGE AT ANY TIME. I JUST WON'T. I COULD HAVE BEEN DOING IT THIS WHOLE TIME BUT, I STAY AWAY. I JUST THOUGHT THAT IF I LET THIS MUCH TIME GO BYE WITHOUT TRYING TO TALK TO HIM HE MIGHT TEXT BACK. PLUS, ALL I SAID IS, I'M SORRY, PLEASE, BE MY FRIEND. I THOUGHT IT WAS SWEET. PLUS, THIS SEEMED LIKE I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE UP ON OUR FRIENDSHIP. WHAT DO U THINK

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Steph, thank you for trying to rate me again. If it doesn't come through, can you please just start a new question for me? Thanks, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks for explaining the way FB works again; I've mentioned to you that I'm not very familiar with it.

You're right, due to the amount of time that has passed, I don't blame you for thinking that maybe he would reply to you this time; I'm sorry he didn't! : (

Well, he definitely knows you're not going to give up on your friendship if you keep trying to communicate with him, that's for sure! I thought you weren't going to try to contact him until you were ready to make your trip there.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, WHEN I WAS TALKING TO CHASE HE SAID, DON'T LET SO MUCH TIME GO BY BEFORE TRYING TO TALK TO HIM. I FIGURED THIS WAY IT WAS SHORT, SWEET AND TO THE POINT. THAT IT WASN'T GOING TO SCARE HIM. PLUS, I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO WISH HIM A HAPPY THANKSGIVING ON THAT DAY. I WOULD TEXT IT. I THOUGHT THIS WOULD HELP EASE INTO 2 WEEKS SAYING THAT. I DOUBT I WILL TRY MUCH MORE BEFORE I GO. BUT, CHASE DOES MAKE A GOOD POINT. I TOLD CHASE THAT I THOUGHT PERRY WAS A--HOLE AND I GUESS I NEVER KNEW IT. CHASE SAID, HE DIDN'T THINK THAT AT ALL. HE SAID, THE PROBABILITY OF HIM HATING OR HAVING NO RESPECT FOR ME IS JUST NOT THERE. BUT, THE PROBABILITY OF HIM BEING SCARED, EMBARRASSED, MONEY ISSUES, NERVOUS, TERRIFIED OF A RELATIONSHIP AND NOT LIKING HIMSELF R MUCH GREATER. CHASE, PUT IT IN A MATH EQUATION. HE THINKS THAT THERE IS SUCH A LOW PROBABILITY OF HIM NOT WANTING NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. BUT, ALMOST A 100% OF ALL OF THESE. WHAT DO U THINK OF THIS? MAYBE ITS ALL OF IT. HE FEELS THIS WAY PLUS JUST HAS NO RESPECT FOR ME AS WELL.

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph,

I agree with Chase's reasons for Perry's actions and how he thinks. There's no way he has no respect for you!

Your message was short and sweet, and I like the pre-emptive text today in preparation for the message you will send him on Thanksgiving--that was good thinking!

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, WHEN HE SAW IT DO U THINK IT OVERWHELMED HIM? I DON'T SO HE COULD GET HAVE TEXTED BACK. I'M ONLY HOPING THAT WHEN I TEXT ON THANKSGIVING "HAPPY THANKSGIVING" I WOULD HOPE HE WOULD SAY U 2. I'M SURE HE WON'T. HE HAS TO KNOW THAT THIS BOTHERS ME THAT WE DON'T TALK. SO Y IS HE BEING AN A--HOLE? I MEAN THIS ISN'T VERY NICE. DOES HE NOT C THIS IS MEAN? DOES HE ONLY CARE ABOUT HIM.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, R U THERE?

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph,

I was offline, but I'm back.

Since he didn't hear from you in a while, it's possible your text overwhemlmed him. Well, it certainly surprised him, I think.

He doesn't think he's being mean or an A-hole. Due to his disorder, he could only care about himself, but we know he cares about others, too.

You're right, he may not respond if you text on Thanksgiving, either, but it's not you, it's him and I know you know that. If you expect him not to respond, you won't be disappointed.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, U MAKE A GREAT POINT. IF WE KNOW HE CARES ABOUT PEOPLE THEN Y NOT CARE ENOUGH ABOUT ME TO AT LEAST JUST SAY HELLO. I DO GET YOUR POINT ABOUT I HAVE TO HEAR IT FROM HIM THAT HE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. EVEN THEN I WOULD STILL NOT BELIEVE IT. IS PROTECTING HIS FEELINGS MORE IMPORTANT THEN TALKING TO ME? CHER, DO U THINK HE IS PROTECTING HIMSELF? OR JUST KNEW THAT WHEN I LEFT TO GO BACK HOME HE WAS GOING TO END OUR FRIENDSHIP. DO U THINK THAT PEOPLE WITH THIS DISORDER THAT HAVE IT AS BAD AS HE DOES WOULD DO THIS?

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph,

I don't think he wants nothing to do with you. No, when you left, I don't think he thought about ending your friendship. Yes, I think people in his position with this disorder have a 'self-protective' vibe and it's just built in. We've discussed him putting up walls and that's what he has been doing. He's not 'rationalizing' his actions or feelings, he just taking (or in this case, NOT taking) action instinctively. We're still not exactly sure why. We'd have to speak to his therapist about his actions, if he had a therapist and if we had permission to speak to him/her. But that is not the case, so you've learned to accept his actions for now, and hopefully, you will straighten everything out when you visit him in person.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I HOPE THAT NEXT WEEK THIS CAN END WITH THE LAWSUIT. DO U C ALL MY LEGAL STUFF ENDING? I DON'T CARE TO C ANOTHER LAWYER EVER. HAVE U EVER SEEN ANYONE WITH THIS DISORDER ACT LIKE THIS? OR KNOW ANYONE THAT WOULD ACT LIKE THIS? U R PRETTY SURE THAT HE STILL CARES FOR ME. IS IT BECAUSE, HE HASN'T TOLD ME HIMSELF. BUT, I DON'T THINK HE HAS THE COURAGE TO TELL ME SO HE DOES THIS.

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Steph, you're absolutely correct! He still cares for you but doesn't have the courage to tell you, so he acts this way. It's difficult to re-visit a situation that made him feel uncomfortable.

I've never known anyone personally, with an autistic disorder like A.S. or any other ones, but I've done research and have seen examples of it on tv shows, etc. Those portrayals try to be realistic, but it's still an actor doing a job. Actually, I did meet one severely autistic young girl many years ago, but she was blind and didn't speak and it was a very sad, scary thing. I met her briefly, because she was the sister of my nephew's friend and I went with my sister to pick him up from his friend's house. She had help through the state, with caregivers coming in to the home to help with her care and she also went to a special school, I think, and had speech therapy. That's my only brush with autism. I've never known anyone with A.S., but with this, it manifests in many different ways, so each case is unique.

I have a feeling your legal stuff will end next week and I understand you never wanting to see another lawyer again in your life! You've certainly been through the ringer!

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, THIS IS TOO FUNNY. I MEANT HE IS ACTING LIKE THIS BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE THE COURAGE TO TELL ME HE DOESN'T WANT ME IN HIS LIFE. U THINK IT'S BECAUSE HE STILL HAS FEELINGS FOR ME. BEING THAT U DON'T KNOW ANYONE LIKE THIS HOW SURE R U THAT HE STILL WANTS ME. OR WANTS ME IN HIS LIFE AT ALL. I'M NOT DOUBTING YOUR EXPERTISE IN THIS I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE IT'S YOUR WAY OF THINKING, AND NOT MINE. SO TELL ME Y U THINK YOUR WAY. THANKS!

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
LOL You're right! It IS funny! Well, I guess I'm seeing the glass as half full and you're seeing it as half empty! lol From what I know about him and your past relationship/friendship, from everything you've told me, I really can't see him wanting to exclude you from his life, forever. We think he interpreted or misinterpreted something you did or said as 'offensive', 'hurtful', upsetting?? and it got him mad (or anxious) and that's why he has stopped communicating.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, WE WOULD BE FUNNY OUT ON THE TOWN. WE WOULD HAVE A LOT OF FUN. U NEED TO COME TO MN WITH ME AND MEET PERRY. THEN, WHEN HE SAID SOMETHING I WOULD KNOW WHAT HE MEANT. SO IF HE IS STILL MAD, ANXIOUS ETC, WOULD HE STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME. OR WOULDN'T THESE BAD FEELINGS TAKE OVER THE GOOD FEELINGS FOR ME.DOES YOUR GIFT THINK WHEN HE GOT THAT TEXT TODAY AND THOUGHT OMG IT'S HER. I WISH SHE WOULD NOT TEXT ME ANYMORE.

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Yes, Steph, we'd have a ball! lol

No, I don't think he said/thought that when you texted, but I do think it made him nervous and sad at the same time, because he has to take every fiber of his being and decide not to respond to you. We just can't figure out what's bugging him. There are several things you mentioned which we think 'could' have set off this attitude, but until you hear it come out of his own mouth (and he may not tell you), we will never know. I wouldn't text him again. Send him and Chloe a cute Thanksgiving card. Just write 'thinking about you and missing you', something like that.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I'M NOT GOING TO TEXT HIM UNTIL HAPPY THANKSGIVING. I WILL SEND HIM AND CHLOE A CHRISTMAS CARD. I KNOW PART OF HIM IS BUGGED ABOUT ME BUGGING HIM ABOUT JOHN. ALL I CAN DO IS TRY TO CALM HIM DOWN LITTLE BY LITTLE. WITH THESE LITTLE TEXTS, AND CHRISTMAS CARD. HAVE U EVER SEEN THE MALL OF AMERICA AT CHRISTMAS TIME? IT IS BEAUTIFUL. U HAVE TO SEE IT. I REALLY HOPE THAT PERRY AND I C IT AGAIN TOGETHER. DO U C US HANGING OUT THERE.

Expert:  Cher replied 8 months ago.
Hi Steph,

Sorry for the delay, I was helping another client with an exam.

Calming him down little by little is a good plan; you know him best!

I've NEVER seen the Mall of America at all. I can imagine how beautiful it is. I do think that you and Perry will get to see it again together and hang out there.

I'm signing offline for the night.

**Please attempt to rate me again or open a new question so I can receive credit for my answers; thanks!**

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I PAID U TWICE. I STARTED A NEW QUESTION FOR U BUT, BILLING SAID TO JUST TALK ON THIS THREAD. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR RESPONSE WAS TO MY POSTING. COULD U PLEASE, TELL ME HERE.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

THEY LOCKED THE NEW THREAD. PLEASE, LET ME KNOW THIS WORKS.

Customer: replied 8 months ago.

CHER, I JUST TALKED TO CUSTOMER SERVICE AGAIN. THEY SAY THAT U WERE PAID FOR THIS QUESTION. PLEASE, LET ME KNOW IF U DID. THEY SAID, THEY WERE GOING TO CONTACT U RIGHT AWAY. PLEASE, I WOULD LOVE TO TALK TO U. I'M SORRY FOR NOT DOING THIS YESTERDAY. I WASN'T FEELING WELL.

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