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Cher
Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 18973
Experience:  M.A., B.A., Author, Senior Informational Specialist
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CHER, I KNOW ITS BEEN A FEW DAYS, BUT, I HAD A LONG DISCUSSION

Customer Question

CHER, I KNOW IT'S BEEN A FEW DAYS, BUT, I HAD A LONG DISCUSSION WITH MY THERAPIST I WOULD LIKE TO TALK T U ABOUT.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: General
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi Steph, and thanks for requesting me.

Sorry for the delayed response; I had a medical appointment and just got home.

How have things been going?

Yes, I'd love to hear about your discussion with the therapist and any other news.

I hope everything is okay with you and the family.

Best regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

CHER, I HOPE ALL IS WELL WITH YOUR MEDICAL APPT. MY FAMILY IS GOOD. I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW TOMORROW. I HOPE I GET IT. I LOVE TO TAKE PICTURES AND SCRAPBOOK. THIS JOB IS TAKING PICTURES FOR A CLOTHING BOUTIQUE AND PUTTING THEM ON E-BAY. I GET TO BRING IN SOME OF MY SCRAPBOOKS TO SHOW THEM MY PHOTOGRAPHY. IT'S A FULL-TIME JOB SO. I HOPE I GET IT. IF I DON'T I'M STILL GOING TO SECURITY SCHOOL. MY THERAPIST KNOWS MY WHOLE FAMILY. WE HAVE BEEN GOING TO HER OFF AND ON FOR TWO YEARS. SHE LIKES LOUIE A LOT. SHE SAID, THEY DIDN'T HAVE SEX HE JUST GOT WRAPPED UP INTO SOMETHING HE SHOULDN'T HAVE. SHE ASKED ME IF I WAS GOING TO TRY TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE? I SAID, NOT RIGHT NOW. SHE ASKED ME IF I HAD A PLAN WITH MY LIFE? SHE TAUGHT ME HOW TO LIVE IN THE MOMENT. SO, NOW I DO THAT. BUT, I HAD A SHORT TERM PLAN. WE BOTH AGREED THAT MY LAWSUIT WILL SETTLE NEXT MONTH. SO, I TOLD HER I WAS GOING TO PAY OFF THE LITTLE DEBT I HAD THEN, GO ON VACATION. THAT WAS MY SHORT TERM PLAN. MY LONG TERM PLAN WAS TO GO TO MINNESOTA AND GET PERRY BACK IN MY LIFE. WELL, SHE SAID, PERRY IS MENTALLY ILL. U CANNOT HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MENTALLY ILL PERSON. I AGREED. BUT, I SAID, I MIGHT MOVE BACK THERE AND GO BACK TO MY OLD JOB. SHE GOT ME TO UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENED WITH HIM. HE HAS SENSORY OVERLOAD. SHE SAID, HE HAD IT BEFORE I EVEN LEFT TO GO THERE. THAT IS Y WE BARELY SPOKE BEFORE I GOT THERE. SHE SAID, THAT THE REASON IT WAS SO HARD TO MEET ME PLACES WAS BECAUSE, I WAS THERE IN PERSON AND IT SENT HIM INTO OVERLOAD. THIS MAKES SENSE TO ME. SHE SAID, IF I STILL FEEL LIKE GETTING HIM BACK TALKING TO ME AFTER THE FIRST OF THE YEAR THEN TRY TO TALK TO HIM THEN. SHE DIDN'T LIKE THE IDEA OF GOING BACK TO MY OLD LIFE IN MN. BUT, I LIKE MN. SO, SENSE U KNOW ABOUT SENSORY OVERDRIVE DO U AGREE WITH HER? IF SO, Y CAN'T HE TALK TO ME NOW? PLUS, SHE SAID, I DISRUPTED HIS ROUTINE. HE ASKED ME TO COME THERE. DID HE NOT REALIZE HE WAS GOING TO HAVE A HARD TIME WITH ALL OF THIS?

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi Steph and thanks for your reply.

Please give me a little while to respond, as I am in the middle of helping another client.

Thanks so much!

Best regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

THAT'S FINE.

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Steph and thanks so much for your patience!

Your possiblity of a new job sounds fantastic and it's something you love to do! I wish you much good luck with your interview, tomorrow!

I totally agree with your therapist. Sensory overload is a great way to describe what Perry is experiencing and I believe he experiences it a lot, due to his disorder. Him not speaking to you has nothing to do with your friendship, anything you did or didn't do, it's all HIM and the way he's perceiving you and the situation. A person like this (with his disorder) is always going to get this way when his routine is disrupted because he's a creature of habit. Even though he wanted you to come to visit and asked you to come, remember, at that time, he was thinking with the 'little head' and not the big one. I don't believe your friendship can be recaptured, but I've mentioned this before and completely agree with your therapist--do you really want to be in a relationship with a mentally ill person who will never quite 'get' certain situations and whom you'll need to orchestrate EVERYTHING for? I know you feel strongly about him, but you have to be a little selfish and think of yourself and your own happiness, too. Remaining friends with him is one thing; even moving to MN if you feel you'll be happiest there, is fine, but after knowing what we know about him, I don't think you'll be truly fulfilled in a relationship with him, as you imagine it.

I might be offline later, so if you reply and I don't respond, you'll know why. I'm not ignoring you! : ) I went to the eye dr. and was dilated, so I shouldn't even be on the 'puter! I have to let my eyes rest.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Y DO U THINK OUR FRIENDSHIP CAN'T BE RECAPTURED? I WANT TO BE HIS FRIEND AT LEAST. I WILL GO THERE AND GET THAT BACK. R U SAYING HE CAN'T BE MY FRIEND BECAUSE, OF HIS FEELINGS FOR ME. Y CAN'T I GO THERE HAVE FUN AND STILL LEAVE BEING HIS FRIEND?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

PLEASE, REPLY TONIGHT ABOUT HOW I CAN'T GET MY FRIENDSHIP BACK. I HAVE TO AT LEAST BE HIS FRIEND ALWAYS. I NEVER WOULD HAVE WENT IF IT COST ME HIS FRIENDSHIP.

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi Steph,

No, I misspoke. I apologize; I meant you CAN recapture your friendship and that's where you should leave it--nothing romantic, which we agreed upon in the past anyway. I said you can't have a 'relationship' with him (meaning romantic or long-term boyfriend/girlfriend--he can't tolerate that due to his disorder); you can definitely resume your friendship with him, if he's willing, of course. This will take time. Sorry for the miscommunication on my part.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

THANK U FOR GETTING BACK TO ME ON THAT. NOW, THAT U AND MY THERAPIST AGREE ON THIS. CAN U EXPLAIN TO ME Y HE WON'T SPEAK TO ME? R HIS FEELINGS JUST TO DEEP FOR ME HE CAN'T. CHER, I KNOW THAT IT WOULD BE DIFFICULT WITH HIM. BUT, I DO LOVE HIM AND IF I GO BACK I WOULD TRY AND STAY FOR AWHILE. MY THERAPIST DID SAY, IF I GO I BETTER PLAN ON STAYING BECAUSE, HE WILL JUST DO THIS AGAIN. U DON'T THINK THIS HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH JOHN. SO, IS THIS KIND OF A COMPLIMENT THAT HE HAS OVERLOAD WITH ME? HOW COME HE COULD TALK TO ME EVERYDAY ON THE PHONE? WOULDN'T THAT SEND HIM INTO OVERLOAD? OR WAS IT BECAUSE, I WAS THERE IN PERSON?

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.

Hi Steph,

You hit the nail on the head! Talking on the phone is much different from interacting in person. Yes, I'd take it as a compliment that he experienced overload with you because his feelings are so deep. The John thing is so in the past, don't even think of it. He didn't know how to handle his feelings (overload) so he lashed out at you re: the John thing, you waking him up that time, and everything else he said, which hurt you after you came back home.

Steph, my eyes are really bothering me and I have to rest them. I'm only replying to you because of the previous online relationship we have and because you needed me and an answer at this time. I know you understand and thanks! : )

Warmest regards,
Cher

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

CHER, U R THE BEST! I HOPE YOUR EYES R O.K? I NEED TO GO TO BED MYSELF. I HAVE AN EARLY INTERVIEW. I HOPE I GET THE JOB. Y IGNORE ME? IS IT BECAUSE, HE DOESN'T WANT TO FEEL THE EMOTIONS HE FEELS WITH ME? I WOULD THINK HE WOULD LIKE TO BE LOVED BY ME. SO, WHEN I WAS TEXTING HIM ABOUT GETTING BACK TO ME ABOUT JOHN HE COULDN'T GET BACK TO ME BECAUSE, IT WAS TO HARD. I FELT LIKE I WAS BUGGING HIM TO GET BACK TO ME ABOUT JOHN. SO, DOES IT REALLY BOTHER HIM THAT JOHN IS STILL MY FACEBOOK FRIEND? NOW, WE DON'T TALK IS HE HAPPY NOW? I HOPE U HAVE A GOOD NIGHT. I WILL TALK TO U TOMORROW. I WILL ALSO RATE U.

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Thanks, Steph! I think you're the best, too! : )

Yes, I think he felt the only way to not feel uncomfortable due to his overload was to not speak to you at the moment. It was too emotional once you left. I thought you immediately unfriended John and vice-versa so that wasn't an issue anymore.

Yes, I'll talk to you tom'w. Good luck on your interview. Please remember to rate. Thanks so much!

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

CHER, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT U GOT BACK TOME LAST NIGHT. I LEFT JOHN ON MY FACEBOOK. I KNEW PERRY WOULDN'T TALK TO ME SO, I KEPT HIM AS A FRIEND. PERRY CAN C MY FRIENDS. SO, HE CAN C JOHN IS MY FRIEND. I KNOW THAT BOTHERS PERRY IF HE HAS LOOKED AT MY FB PAGE. WOULDN'T HIS OVER LOAD BE DONE BY NOW? SO, HE COULD TALK TO ME. OR IS IT ALWAYS GOING TO BE HARD TO TALK TO ME? I'M GLAD U AND MY THERAPIST THINK ALIKE. R U SURE HE IS HAVING OVERLOAD RIGHT NOW? IF SO, IS THIS NORMAL BEHAVIOR FOR SOMEONE HAVING A OVERLOAD? I CAN'T DO THE JOB. THEY WANT ME THERE AT 9:00 AND WITH LOUIE'S SCHEDULE I CANT GET THERE AND TAKE CARE OF SAMUEL? SECURITY SCHOOL STARTS NEXT WEEK. I'M GOING TO GO TO SCHOOL FOR THAT. MAYBE, LATER ON I CAN DO THAT JOB. AFTER I FIGURE THINGS OUT. MY THERAPIST SAYS, I NEED TO START IMPLEMENTING MY PLANS FOR MY FUTURE. R WE SURE PERRY HAS OVERLOAD? DO U THINK HE HAS SUCH DEEP FEELINGS FOR ME? WHAT ELSE COULD EXPLAIN HIS BEHAVIOR?

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi Steph,

I'll be back with you in a few minutes; I'm in the middle of helping another client. Thanks for your patience!

Warmest regards,
Cher

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

THAT'S FINE.

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.

Hi again, Steph and thanks for waiting.

I was under the impression that you and John un-friended each other when you were made aware that it upset Perry so much, but if you're still on each others' friends list and Perry's not talking to you, I guess it doesn't really matter, right now.

Yes, I do agree that he's suffering from overload, due to his condition. He wants to be with you, he wants to continue your friendship, but he feels it's all too much for him to handle, so due to his disorder, he just ignores the situation because he has no control over it and can't do anything about it. I think 'overload' is a very good way to describe it, by your therapist. It's exactly what he's going through and has gone through since you left.

So sorry you couldn't take that job, due to the hours. For now, you'll start the security school and see how things go. If Louie works nights, that's certainly hindering you in finding a job, but for now, let's thank God he still HAS a job, as you mentioned you were unsure if he will be fired once the story hits the press and once you get your settlement.

I agree with your therapist that you need to start implementing your plans for the future. It's very important for you to know what you will be doing and you need to think about you and the children, first.

 

Please remember to rate me as you promised. Thanks!

Warmest regards,
Cher

Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 18973
Experience: M.A., B.A., Author, Senior Informational Specialist
Cher and 33 other General Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

THANKS, XXXXX XXXXX RATE U AS SOON AS I'M DONE WRITING THIS. U SAY PERRY, CAN'T CONTROL ANYTHING ABOUT HIS OVERLOAD. BUT, HE COULD. IF HE WOULD TALK TO ME WE COULD MAKE PLANS TO C EACH OTHER AGAIN. I WAS GOING TO UNFRIEND JOHN. BUT, THIS WAY I HAVE A WAY OF MAKING SURE PERRY IS O.K. IF I NEED TO. I'M EXCITED ABOUT THE SECURITY SCHOOL. I'M STILL LOOKING FOR A JOB. BUT, THE SCHOOL STARTING NEXT WEEK MAKES IT HARD TO WORK. HOPEFULLY, I WILL GET A SECURITY JOB. I TOLD MY THERAPIST ABOUT MY PLANS. THAT I WANT TO GO ON VACATION WITH MY MONEY AROUND THE HOLIDAYS. THEN, I WANT TO WORK WITH HER ABOUT GOING TO GET PERRY BACK IN MY LIFE. WE R GOING TO WORK ON THAT NEXT YEAR. BUT, IF I GO THERE AND C HIM WILL THAT SEND HIM INTO OVERLOAD AGAIN. WHEN I LEAVE WILL HE JUST IGNORE ME AGAIN. DID U THINK HE WAS IN OVERLOAD BEFORE MY THERAPIST SAID IT? THIS MAKES SENSE TO ME NOW, I TOTALLY THINK I SENT HIM INTO OVERLOAD WHEN I WAS THERE. HOW CAN HE HAVE BEEN MARRIED? WOULDN'T HE HAVE BEEN IN OVERLOAD THE WHOLE TIME. OR IS IT BECAUSE, HE DIDN'T REALLY LOVE HER DID HE NOT GO INTO OVERLOAD?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

CHER, I JUST RATED U EXCELLENT AS ALWAYS.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

R U THERE?

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Steph and thanks for your excellent rating!

At this particular point, I think speaking to you will add to Perry's overload and he needs to not speak to you or see you for a while. He just can't handle it, unfortunately.

I was thinking the same thing: how could he have been married and had a child. She sounds like a real shrew and I don't know how he tolerated her for that long. It's too bad his parents forced him into marrying her! I understand their point, though. They figured if he was married, he would appear 'normal' and everyone would say, oh, there's nothing wrong with him. That's just a guess, but a feeling on my part. You can get Perry back into your life, perhaps only talking as friends, but yes, I think seeing him and then leaving will contribute to the overload again.

I'm glad you're thinking about your future plans!

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

DO U THINK HE LOVED HIS X. IF HE REALLY LOVED HER WOULDN'T HE HAVE BEEN IN OVERLOAD EVERY TIME THEY WERE TOGETHER? CHER, THIS IS MY PLAN. IF I LIVED WITH PERRY SOMEDAY WOULD HE ALWAYS BE IN OVERLOAD? WONT HE BE ABLE TO TALK TO ME? I LIVE 2,000 MILES AWAY. I KNOW THIS WILL BE REALLY HARD BUT, I WOULD LIKE A CHANCE. NOW, THAT WE BOTH AGREE ABOUT HIS OVERLOAD. DO U THINK WHEN I GO THERE I WILL STILL BE ABLE TO BE THE LEADER BETWEEN US? I KNOW I WILL TELL HIM I'M HERE THAT'S ALL. I WILL ALSO SAY, I'M SCARED TO. I'M SCARED U WILL DO THIS AGAIN TO ME. SO LETS JUST GO FROM HERE AND FORGET THE PAST. BUT, I'M GOING TO TELL HIM I WON'T LET HIM DO THIS AGAIN.

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Steph.

I'm here; please give me a few minutes to read over your question and send an answer. Thanks!

Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

THANKS.

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Steph and and you're most welcome!

Thanks for your patience.

No, I don't think he ever really loved his ex. You said yourself, he told you he sought her out as a last resort because he wanted a child. He could have been experiencing overload, with all he had to contend with, with (was it her son or brother?) doing drugs, etc., but at the time, they were living together, so he had no choice and nowhere to go to escape her. He also probably wanted to stay with her when the baby was young since he had to go to work and couldn't afford childcare. Don't even waste time thinking about that. He married her because he was pushed into it only after the baby was born. The baby was his prime objective; he did not love his ex, believe me!

You can go there and discuss it with him when the time is right, because I feel it IS important to set things right, with him, but he may very well go into overload again when he sees you. If you explain to him you only want to restore your friendship and he has nothing to worry about, you want nothing from him, than that, it might work.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

CHER, DO U THINK HE JUST LOVES ME THAT MUCH? MY FRIEND TAMMY SAYS THAT I'M THE ONE HE LOVES. SHE SAID, YOUR THE ONE. BUT, WHEN I GO THERE AND SAY, PERRY I'M HERE AND I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE. PLUS, THAT I'M SCARED TOO. TAMMY SAID, IF U SAY THAT TO HIM I WILL HAVE HIM. TAMMY'S X HAS A.S SO SHE GETS HIS DISORDER. BUT, SHE SAY'S IT WILL ALWAYS BE WORK. DOES HE MISS MY FRIENDSHIP? DOES HE STILL THINK OF ME? I MISS HIM. I GO TO MEDIATION IN 3 WEEKS. THAT IS SO QUICK. DO U C IT SETTLING WITH YOUR GIFT? I'M HAPPY THAT THIS WILL SETTLE. THEN I CAN GO ON WITH MY LIFE. I WILL BE DONE WITH SECURITY SCHOOL A WEEK BEFORE MEDIATION. I FEEL ONLY GOOD THINGS R COMING MY WAY. I'M GLAD I CAN START MAKING PLANS FOR MY FUTURE. CHER, I KNOW AT THE END OF ALL THIS I WILL WORK THINS OUT WITH LOUIE. WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 20 YRS. BUT, I DO WANT PERRY. I WILL GO GET HIM BACK. DO U C GOOD THINGS HAPPENING TO ME.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

CHER, DO U C MY LAWSUIT SETTLING IN 3 WEEKS? WE GO TO MEDIATION IN 3 WEEKS. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT. I'M EXCITED I REALLY BELIEVE IT WILL BE DONE. DO U C THAT TO? I KNOW U WILL STAY WITH LOUIE WHEN THIS IS OVER. WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 20 YEARS. I DO LOVE HIM. MY PLAN WILL BE TO LIVE IN NAPLES, DO A SECURITY JOB PART-TIME. I MIGHT GO BACK TO SCHOOL LATER ON. BUT, I ONLY WANT TO WORK P.T. LOUIE GETS ME. HE IS ALWAYS SUPPORTIVE OF WHAT I DO. I THINK IT WOULD BE TO HARD TO BE WITH PERRY. I WILL GO THERE AND GET HIM BACK IN MY LIFE. I MIGHT STAY A FEW WEEKS BUT, I KNOW THE MORE I HANG OUT WITH HIM THE MORE I KNOW IT CAN'T EVER BE. I CAN'T SPEND THE NEXT 50 YEARS WITH SOMEONE THAT WILL BE WORK. WITH LOUIE IT HAS BEEN VERY EASY. I WILL TRY TO C WHERE IT GOES WITH PERRY WHEN I'M THERE. BUT, I DON'T C ME LIVING THERE AT THIS TIME. I DO LOVE HIM. DO U C ME HAPPY SOON? WILL ALL THIS LAWSUIT BE DONE SOON. WHAT DO U THINK?

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Steph.

I do see the lawsuit settling within about a month. I can't believe the mediation is almost here, either! I'm so excited for you! Do you know when your interview will be shown on TV and all the press will come out? It's before the mediation, right?

I agree with your feelings re: wanting to stay with Louie because of your history, your children, and the fact that he 'gets' you. I think your plan for the future is a very good one!

It WOULD be hard to be with Perry, even though you love him. I agree with your therapist that you really don't want to take it further than getting your friendship back, with a person who is mentally ill and can't control his feelings/actions.

I feel you will see happiness very soon and all your efforts will have been worth it!

Steph, do you think you could please open another question for me, because they only allow one rating per question and site rules advise only one question/answer per page.
Thanks, I'd appreciate it!

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

THANKS CHER, I CAN'T START A NEW QUESTION UNTIL I C LOUIE. SO, THIS WILL BE MY LAST ONE UNTIL THEN. U DESERVE TO GET PAID. I'M SO EXCITED U C THIS LAWSUIT SETTLING AND ME BEING HAPPY. I ALREADY AM A LITTLE BIT HAPPIER NOW. I FEEL RELIEF COMING. I STILL DON'T KNOW THE AIR DATE OF THE SHOW. I WILL CALL MY ATTORNEY TOMORROW ABOUT THAT. CHER, I WAS JUST TALKING TO MY MOM. IT'S THE FIRST TIME I TALKED TO HER ABOUT PERRY AND MY TRIP TO MN. SHE ASKED ME IF I WAS GOING TO BE WITH PERRY. SHE SAID, PERRY HAS ALWAYS BEEN DIFFERENT. I TOLD HER HE HAS A.S. SHE SAID, YES PERRY LIVES IN FEAR OF LIFE. I SAID, YES HE DOES. MY MOM SAID, PERRY'S PARENT'S WANTED HIM TO GET MARRIED SO IT DOESN'T LOOK BAD. OR MAKE HIM LOOK GAY. HE IS GEEKY I TOLD U THAT. BUT, IT'S FUNNY HOW U JUST SAID, THAT U FELT HIS PARENT'S WERE PUSHING THIS MARRIAGE. MY MOM DOESN'T KNOW PERRY AND ME DON'T TALK. SO SHE SAID, R U GOING BACK TO MN OR HAVE U LEARNED YOUR LESSON ABOUT PERRY. I SAID, I WILL RETURN TO MN TO BE PERRY'S FRIEND. I WILL HANG OUT WITH HIM. BUT, BEYOND THAT I DON'T THINK THERE WILL EVER BE ANYTHING MORE. I HAVE A GOOD QUESTION. IF PERRY THINKS HE JUST WANTS TO BE MY FRIEND. IF HE THINKS WE WOULD NOT BE GOOD TOGETHER THEN HOW DO I SEND HIM INTO OVERLOAD? DON'T U HAVE TO HAVE STRONG FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE TO GO INTO OVERLOAD? I MEAN HE WILL SAY NO.NOT FEELING IT. WE KNOW HE DOES NOT MEAN IT. DO U THINK HE LOVES ME.MY MOM SAID, WELL, I'M SURE U CAN GO BACK TO MN AND TALK PERRY INTO ANYTHING. I SAID, MOM, I WOULD NEVER TALK HIM INTO ANYTHING BAD. WELL, SHE KNOWS THAT I WILL GO BACK. I'M GLAD SHE TOLD ME HOW SHE FELT. DO U THINK HE LOVES ME? OR WOULD HE STILL ACT LIKE THIS IF WE WERE JUST FRIENDS?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

R U THERE.

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Steph and you're most welcome; thanks for your patience!

I understand re: you needing to see Louie first, before starting a new question.

I'm so glad you're excited and happy about the approaching settlement and your interview being aired!

That is so weird that your mom echoed what I had said about his parents pushing him to get married for the same reasons (I didn't think of the not being gay thing!). What a waste of all that money. I don't even know how he got through the ceremony and reception, knowing he didn't love her and he didn't want the wedding to begin with. Actually, it works out better for Chloe that they are married. She has his last name--I'm assuming, his full name is XXXXX XXXXX birth certificate as her father.

I think deep down he does love you and you are one of the only people he truly feels 'safe' with, but because of his love, this caused his overload. He doesn't know how to get himself out of this mode. He's acting like this because you're friends, but he loves you as a person, also.

Warmest wishes,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

CHLOE, DOES NOT HAVE HIS LAST NAME. SHE HAS HERS. I'M NOT SURE IF HE IS ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE, I'M ASSUMING HE IS. IF HE LOVES ME THEN HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE TO TALK TO ME? I KNOW THAT I WILL GO BACK THERE BUT, HE DOESN'T KNOW THAT. IF I NEVER WENT BACK DO U THINK HE WOULD JUST NOT TALK TO ME AGAIN? IT BOTHERS ME WHEN I LOOK AT HIS FB PAGE I C GIRLS I'M FRIENDS WITH ON THERE. HE DOESN'T TALK TO THEM BUT, THEIR FRIENDS. THEN THERE'S ME HE WON'T EVEN TALK TO. I FEEL REALLY USED AND BAD THAT HE WON'T EVEN TALK TO ME AFTER WHAT ALL I DID FOR HIM. DOESN'T HE EVEN FEEL BAD ABOUT WHAT HE IS DOING?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

CHER R U STILL UP? HOW R YOUR EYES?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

CHER R U STILL WORKING

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi Steph,

I'm here. Sorry for the wait; I was helping another client.

If Chloe does not have his name and if he's not on the birth certificate, as far as I know, she can deny him visitation and he might not have to pay child support. But, I don't know what his story is. Obviously, she allows him time with her, which is good, but if she changes her mind at any time, I don't know what legal recourse he would have, except to have a DNA test to prove she's really his and then, even though he's not on the birth certificate, I think he'd be allowed to see her, but he would also have to contribute to her support. I have a feeling he's doing that now, anyway.

Don't look at his FB page anymore if it aggravates you. He doesn't feel badly about what he's doing because he's in 'me' mode. If it upsets him or causes him to feel uncomfortable, he refuses to think about it. It's part of the overload.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I'M SURE HE PAYS ALL THE DAY CARE. IT'S A 150 A WEEK. I'M SURE HE IS ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE. HE WOULD NEVER WALK AWAY FROM CHLOE. SHE IS THE REASON HE GOT WITH HIS X. I'M GOING TO BUY A GO PHONE AND CALL HIM. NOT RIGHT NOW OVER THE HOLIDAYS I WILL. DO U THINK HE WILL TALK? ALSO, DOES HE WONDER Y I DON'T CALL HIM? DOES HE THINK I JUST FORGOT ABOUT HIM. DO U C ME HAVING FUN WITH HIM SOON? I HAVE A FRIEND THAT SAID, SHE WOULD COME TO MN WITH ME NEXT TIME I GO. SHE SAID, SHE WOULD TAKE CHLOE OUT WITH US EVERY WHERE SO PERRY AND I COULD TALK. I WANTED MORAL SUPPORT WHEN I GO BACK. SHE SAID, IF I REALLY LOVED HIM THEN. SHE SAID, I WOULD GO BACK AND TRY TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS. DO U C HER AND I GOING BACK SOON?

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Oh, I know he would never walk away from Chloe--I'm afraid his ex could use her as a bargaining chip if she ever wanted something out of him.

How can he wonder why you don't call when he's rebuffed all your attempts to communicate with him. If you call from a go phone and he doesn't know it's you, he may or may not speak to you. It many just be a 'knee-jerk' reaction to hang up on you because of the way he feels and I'm sure he's embarrassed about his past behavior, but then again, he doesn't realize how he's treating you is wrong and hurtful.

Your friend is really nice to offer to go with you, if you go to MN. I see you and your friend going back there soon, so you can straighten things out with Perry.

Steph, we'll have to pick this up tomorrow, because my eyes are bothering me.

I hope you have a great night!

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT! I HOPE YOUR EYES FEEL BETTER. I WILL START A NEW QUESTION FOR U TOMORROW. PLUS, RATE U AGAIN. U HAVE BEEN GREAT. I THINK HIS X WILL ALWAYS USE CHLOE AS A WAY OF GETTING WHAT SHE WANTS. SHE KNOWS SHE HAS PERRY BY THE BALLS. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO HIM. IF I WAS THERE AND SHE TRIED TO USE HIM I WOULD SAY SOMETHING TO PERRY. I JUST THOUGHT HE MIGHT WONDER Y I HAVEN'T TRIED LATELY TO CALL HIM. BUT, I AGREE I DON'T THINK HE THINKS HE IS BEING RUDE. I KNOW THAT COMES WITH HIS DISORDER. I'M GLAD U C ME GOING BACK SOON. DOES YOUR GIFT C THAT ALSO? DO U ALSO C ME GETTING A SECURITY JOB? U HAVE REALLY HELPED ME OUT THRU THIS. DO U THINK WHEN I C PERRY I WILL BE ABLE TO GET HIM NOT TO DO THIS AGAIN? DO U C PERRY AND I ALWAYS IN EACH OTHERS LIVES? I PLAN TO LIVE ANOTHER 50 YEARS. I WANT HIM ALWAYS TO BE THERE.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT! I HOPE YOUR EYES FEEL BETTER. I WILL START A NEW QUESTION FOR U TOMORROW. PLUS, RATE U AGAIN U HAVE BEEN GREAT! I THINK HIS X WILL ALWAYS USE CHLOE AS A WAY OF GETTING WHAT SHE WANT'S. SHE KNOWS SHE HAS PERRY BY THE BALLS. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO HIM. I JUST THOUGHT HE MIGHT THINK Y I HAVEN'T TRIED TO TALK TO HIM LATELY. BUT, I AGREE HE HAS TO KNOW THAT HE HAS BEEN RUDE TO ME. I KNOW ITS HIS DISORDER. I'M GLAD U C ME GOING BACK TO MN SOON. DOES YOUR GIFT C THAT TOO? ALSO, DO U C ME GETTING A SECURITY JOB? U HAVE BEEN GREAT TO ME THRU ALL OF THIS. DO U C ME GETTING PERRY TO NOT DO THIS AGAIN TO ME? I PLAN ON LIVING 50 MORE YEARS. PERRY, HAS TO BE THERE TO.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

CHER, THEY JUST ASK ME TO RATE U. TO GIVE MY FEED BACK ABOUT U. I SAID, GREAT THINGS ABOUT U. PLUS HOW I ONLY USE U TO TALK TO . I HOPE ALL THIS HELPS.

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Steph.

I totally agree with you that she will always use Chloe to get what she wants; that's terrible!

How can he think you haven't tried to talk to him lately? Every time you tried, you were ignored; he never answered. Yes I do see you getting back to MN soon and trying to make everything right with him; however, unfortunately, I can't see him not doing this to you again, because of his disorder. He will always suffer from this overload about certain things that happen in his life and you can't control that, but, I feel you will always be friends and have a special connection--it just might be erratic, as it the situation is now. If you go through the security school course, I see you getting a security job.

Thanks so much for saying great things about me on the survey, I really appreciate it!

When you're ready to open the new question, just remember to put my name at the front of it. Thanks!

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

CHER, I'M NOT SURE IF ANYONE HAS EVER TOLD U THIS. BUT, WHEN MY LIFE SEEMS SO DIFFICULT YOUR THE ONE PERSON THAT MAKES MY DAY A WHOLE LOT BETTER. MY COUSIN TOLD ME THAT HE MAY NOT SPEAK TO ME. SHE SAID, THAT A.S. PEOPLE NEED TO SPEAK WHEN THEIR READY. WELL, THAT'S Y I'M WAITING LONGER TO TALK TO HIM. I HAVEN'T TRIED TO TALK TO HIM IN AT LEAST 6 WEEKS. BUT, I KNOW PERRY, IF I CALL BEFORE I GO. I KNOW IN PERSON I CAN SAY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED BUT, I'M HERE LETS MOVE FORWARD. I WILL CRY IF I HAVE TO. I'M SURE HE WILL TRY TO DO IT AGAIN. THAT'S Y I'M WILLING FLY BACK AND FORTH A COUPLE OF TIMES JUST TO SHOW HIM NO MATTER WHAT I'M HERE FOR HIM. DO U HAVE ANY IDEA Y HE STILL CAN'T TALK TO ME? I'M BEGINNING TO THINK HE HATES MY GUTS. PLEASE, TELL ME HE STILL MISSES ME? DO U STILL THINK IT ID TO HARD TO TALK TO ME AFTER ALL THIS TIME? IS THIS NORMAL FOR THEM?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

CHER, R U THERE?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

CHER R U STILL WORKING?

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi Steph,

So sorry for the delay. I was busy with various things, today.

Thank you for your kind words; they are greatly appreciated. I'm glad I have been of such great help to you! I think you're a wonderful person and deserve only happiness!

I don't think he hates you; I think he still loves you as a person and a friend and it is just his disorder which is preventing him from responding to your attempts at communication. I agree with your cousin; it will take time. I do think he still misses you, but remember, the 'out of sight/out of mind' part of his disorder. He's going about his daily business and just thinking about what has to be done on that day at that minute; yes, it's part of the disorder.

If you call him before you come, he might say, 'don't come', but how can you show up unexpectedly? I guess you could and I don't think he'll turn you away. I think you should take one day and one situation at a time, since you have so much on your plate right now, and it will eventually work out with him. You will get to speak to him again, in person, most likely.

Are you able to open a new question for me now, and/or rate on this answer? Not sure if the rating will count, but I'll let you know if it comes through. Thanks so much!

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

U SAY MOST LIKELY I WILL TALK TO HIM AGAIN. DOES YOUR GIFT SAY THAT? WHEN U SAY HE STILL LOVES MEAS A FRIEND AND A PERSON. DOES THAT MEAN HE JUST LOVES ALL OF ME LIKE I DO HIM. I WAS LOOKING TO BUY A NEW HOUSE HERE IN NAPLES. THE FUNNIEST THING HAPPENED. MY MOM KNOWS VERY LITTLE ABOUT THE PERRY AND LOUIE SITUATION. SHE SAID, TO ME STEPHANIE, I DON'T WANT U TOOK LOOK AY BUYING HOUSES UNTIL U FIGURE OUT EVERYTHING. THAT WAS ALL SHE SAID. I WALKED AWAY AND THOUGHT WOW, SHE KNOWS I'M CONFLICTED ABOUT ALL THIS. I GUESS MOTHERS ALWAYS KNOW. I TOOK THAT AS A SIGN FROM HER TO EXPLORE BEING WITH PERRY UNTIL I FIGURE IT OUT. I THOUGHT IT WAS GREAT SHE SAID, IT. THAT MAKES ME CARE THAT SHE WANTS ME TO BE HAPPY. SHE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT MEDIATION BUT, I SUSPECT SHE KNOWS SOMETHING IS COMING. I WILL OPEN A NEW QUESTION FOR U. U SAY MOST LIKELY, I WILL SPEAK TO HIM. DOES THAT MEAN U HAVE DOUBTS? I WILL TAKE CARE OF MEDIATION, GET THRU CHRISTMAS TRY TO CONTACT HIM. USING MY PHONE OR A GO PHONE. THEN I WILL GO. I NEED TO EXPLORE EVERY THING BEFORE I BUY A HOUSE. DO U THINK HE STILL LOVES ALL OF ME? I WILL OPEN A NEW QUESTION FOR U. DO U THINK HIM AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE EACH OTHER? EVEN IF WE DON'T GET TOGETHER?

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Steph.

Sorry, I wasn't notified of your reply, earlier. The site has been a little glitchy tonight.

I do think he and you will always love each other even if you don't get together. That was quite a surprise, what you're mother said to you. Mothers DO always know! I think it might be best to only continue your friendship with Perry, as your therapist recommended. I don't believe you will be happy with a man with his disorder(s). Even though you love him as a person and a friend, I don't think you will be happy with him as a partner, if he even thinks about that or allows it. Look how scared and overloaded he was after that one encounter. You're starting a new phase of your life after the settlement. Think very carefully about what will make you happy and where you want to live.

I'll be waiting for your new question. Thanks so much!

Warmest regards
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

YEAH! LOUIE EVEN SAID, I WAS IN LOVE WITH PERRY. MY MOM NEVER SAID, DON'T GO TO MN. SHE JUST SAID, KEEP ALL OPTIONS OPEN. I KNEW WHAT SHE MEANT. SHE WANTS ME TO STAY WITH LOUIE. I'M THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO ALWAYS KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS. I DON'T THINK PERRY CAN FULFILL THOSE. MY MOM SAID, PERRY LIVES IN FEAR. SHE SAID, I COULD CONVINCE HIM OF ANYTHING. I KNOW SHE WANTS ME TO THINK CLEARLY OF WHAT I WANT. I KNOW I WILL GO BACK TO GET MY FRIENDSHIP. I KNOW I WILL HAVE TO STAY A COUPLE OF WEEKS TO GET HIM TO UNDERSTAND THAT EVEN WHEN I GO BACK TO FLORIDA I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR HIM. I KNOW LOUIE KNOWS I LOVE HIM. I WILL SPEND THE NEXT 20 YEARS WITH HIM. BUT, IF PERRY WAS TO KNOCK ME OFF MY FEET I MIGHT TRY WITH HIM. BUT I KNOW HE CAN'T DO THAT. I WILL ALWAYS MAKE PERRY A PRIORITY IN MY LIFE. BUT, NOT AS MUCH AS MY FAMILY. I KNOW I DID NOTHING WRONG TO HIM. I;M NOT GOING TO START FIGURING OUT NOW WHAT I DID. IN HIS MIND IT'S SOMETHING STUPID. BUT, I WILL FIGURE IT OUT. I WILL TALK TO HIM. I WILL CONVINCE HIM I'M HERE FOR HIM. I KNOW I CAN'T REACH HIM. I WILL NEVER STOP. BUT, I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY TO PUT INTO IT. I WILL TRY IF HE WANT'S BUT, I KNOW IT WOULDN'T LAST LONG. I COULDN'T LIVE IN CONSTANT FEAR LIKE HE DOES. I KNOW LOUIE LOVES ME. I KNOW PERRY LOVES ME. AFTER THIS MONTH SETTLES I WILL MAKE PLANS WITH MY LIFE. BUT, THE NICE THING IS I DON'T HAVE TO RUSH THINGS. DO U C ME SPENDING TIME WITH PERRY? I KNOW WHEN I LEAVE I WILL MAKE PLANS TO COME BACK AND C HIM. BUT, HE HAS TO UNDERSTAND MY LIFE IS IN FLORIDA. I WILL GO BACK AND VISIT BUT, HE NEEDS TO MAN UP. I DON'T THINK HE CAN BE THE MAN I WANT. AT LEAST WHEN I'M SICK LOUIE TAKES CARE OF ME. I DON'T C HIM DOING THAT.MAYBE I'M WRONG I WILL C. DO U C ME SPENDING A COUPLE OF WEEKS WITH HIM SOON AFTER THE HOLIDAYS TO C IF HE COULD BE CARING ABOUT ME. I HOPE SO. HAVE A GREAT DAY!

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

CHER, I WANT TO START A NEW QUESTION FOR U. BUT, YOUR OFFLINE. I NEED U TO BE ONLINE TO START A NEW QUESTION.

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi Steph,

So good to hear from you again!

I'm online now and I don't need to be online for you to start a new question for me. I'd be interested to know who told you that. I receive requested questions all the time, when I'm not online. As long as you start your question with my name, as you always do, I will see it and answer it. I'm online now and will be for a while. If I'm not online when you send your question, I will receive email notification if you also request me through the system by posting your question in my question box, here: CLICK

Please feel free to start the new question for me at any time.

Thanks!
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

CHER, I WILL TELL U WHAT HAPPENED. I NEED LOUIE'S PAYPAL PASSWORD. I WENT TO THERAPY TODAY. SHE SAID, LOUIE LOVES ME. I NEED TO STAY WITH LOUIE. I'M A HORRIBLE MOTHER. BECAUSE, I LOVE PERRY. SHE SAID, PERRY, HAS NO FEELINGS FOR ME. SHE SAID, FOR ME TO STAY WITH LOUIE. THAT I HAVE HAD HIM PAY FOR HIS MISTAKE FOR 2 YRS. THAT I WENT TO MN AND HE COULDN'T SEE ME. SHE SAID, HE WAS IN SENSATIVE OVERDRIVE. THEN, SHE SAID, HE JUST DIDN'T WANT U AROUND HIM. SHE SAID, I TALKED TO MUCH FOR HIM AND IT REALLY BOTHERED HIM. SHE SAID, IF HE CARED ABOUT U HE WOULD HAVE TALKED TO U MORE THEN PLAY ON HIS PHONE. THAT IS A BIG SIGN HE DIDN'T WANT U AROUND. I SAID, HE PLAYED WITH HIS PHONE BECAUSE, HE WAS SO NERVOUS. THIS IS SO MEAN. TELL ME I'M A HORRIBLE MOTHER IF I DON'T STAY WITH LOUIE. THAT THE FACT THAT SAMUEL KNOWS PERRY'S NAME MAKES ME A HORRIBLE MOTHER. I SAID, I DON'T WANT TO STAY MARRIED. SHE SAID, HE IS A CATCH. I SAID, HE DOESN'T LOVE ME. SHE SAID, YES, HE DOES. I COULDN'T BELIEVE SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN TO MY FEELINGS. I CAN'T UNDERSTAND Y SHE PUSHES LOUIE ON ME. LOUIE DOESN'T EVEN GO TO THERAPY. I KNOW PERRY, DOESN'T WANT ME IN HIS LIFE RIGHT NOW. SO, I SAID, DO U THINK HE JUST COULDN'T HANDLE HIS FEELINGS FOR ME? SHE SAID, HE HAS NO FEELINGS FOR U. SHE SAID, ALL THAT SEXTING HE DIDN'T MEAN. SHE SAID, U HAD TO RUSH TO MN WHEN HE ASKED AND IT MADE U LOOK BAD. I SAID, I WAITED 2 MONTHS BEFORE I EVEN WENT. PLUS, HE COULDN'T C ME. HE COULDN'T HANDLE THAT. SHE SAID, U AND PERRY WILL NEVER TALK AGAIN. HE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH U. HE CAN'T HANDLE ALL THE STRESS IN HIS LIFE SO U HAD TO GO. I GET THAT. BUT, TO SEND SOMEONE ON SENSITIVE OVERDRIVE U HAVE TO HAVE FEELINGS FOR THEM. Y DO U THINK SHE IS PUSHING LOUIE DOWN MY THROAT? THEN TELLING ME I HAVE NO FEELINGS FOR PERRY. SHE SAID, OH NO U REALLY DON'T LOVE HIM. THERE MY FEELINGS.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

CHER, R U THERE?

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.

Hi Steph,

Yes, I'm here. You mentioned last week that you needed to get Louie's paypal password XXXXX start a new question for me; what's taking so long? You do live together! : ) You know I think you're the best, XXXXX XXXXX love answering your questions and discussing/helping with your issues, but every time I send an answer and you can't or don't rate (I had mentioned, I don't think you can rate more than once in a thread), I'm not getting paid for my answers.

I don't think the therapist should have said those hurtful things to you. You are not a bad mother! Louie is the one who mentioned Perry's name to Samuel just to make YOU mad. He used the child as a pawn because he was angry that you were going to MN. He should know better! I do believe Perry was just so nervous and still is, when it comes to you, that he went into overload and that's why he's not speaking to you, but I disagree that he has no feelings for you.

Please try your best to open a new question for me, so we can continue to discuss this. I'm going to get into trouble with the site for continuing to answer you on the same thread. Don't you have your own paypal card or credit card that you can use to open a new question? If not, I hope you can work it out and get the info you need from Louie.

Just wanted to let you know that I'm going to be offline now, for a while, to have dinner.

Warmest regards,
Cher

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