Hello there and welcome to JustAnswer! My name is XXXXX XXXXX X am very happy to help you with your question!
Four words come to mind regarding your situation. "Time heals all wounds".
I believe that your boyfriend is on the right track, a slow transition to build back up trust!
It's been three years though since they've known about him and they still have not warmed up to him.
Accidents happen all the time and some are just more difficult to deal with and last longer due to the nature of event!
Is he accepted at family gatherings?
I admit that I'm also at fault for the distrust because I felt I "had" to lie about my whereabouts because of how much they disapproved of him.
No he's not.
I cannot even mention his name or arguments start and things get ugly.
Are you an only child?
I am not.
I have an older sister who is almost 11 years older than me. She's single however.
It seems that no matter which path your take, someone will get hurt.
As a parent... they should swallow their pride and be supportive of their daughter. No matter what path she takes.
they're not your most typical parents and my dad tries to be supportive.
If you are happy, they have no choice in the matter and will eventually.
but he's also very stubborn and once he's set his mind/idea on something... there's no changing it.
Yep! Understandable! He has it in his head whats right for him.. not for you!
so i need some advice because this is a real problem for me.
How old are you?
Do you still live at hot with your parents?
they're INCREDIBLY controlling.
i actually moved out at some point, but they guilt tripped me into moving back.
That's part of the problem.
which is also another part of the reason why they hate my boyfriend
i know that's one of the reasons as well.
You need to move and control your own desitiny.
unfortunately, i love my parents and they're whole issue is: if i move out, i do not love them. if i move out, i've disrespected them.
Your heart should be leading you in a certain dirrection.
i've disgraced them if i make any sort of those moves
They will get over it.
Believe me! Witnessed these types of things before.
You need to stop worrying about the what if's in life.
Focus on what makes you happy!
even if it means my parents saying they'll disown me and such things?
or them being unhappy?
Sometimes when i get put in a bind, I get a piece of paper, write down the two main problems, and underneath write the positives and negatives of each problem.
Your parents will get over it. Like I said, if they were any kind of parents, they would be happy and supportive of you!
Your life will never progress into dreams and goals if someone keep holding you back!
I believe you want to be happy... Right?
of course i do!
and i know that's what's important
but every single time i've had this talk with my parents
they say happiness is not. that money is what keeps people thriving
however, i don't believe this but they're very emotionally guilt tripping me every time.
Money makes things easier, but love, happiness, and trust are the things that keep us living. Emotions are the way to interact!
I would say your parents are being very selfish!
so you're saying move out even if it hurts them and even if they say, "we won't want anything to do with you if you choose that guy."
Do you want to be with this guy?
more than 100%
Then your parents are going o have to accept it.
If they get all pissed in the beginning, I am sure they will, just be strong. They will miss there child and swallow their pride in time.
now is there anything my boyfriend could do to win them over?
or gain their respect?
Not right away. It would be simply things. Like opening the car door for you or addressing you parents in a formal tone.
Always be willing to help with anything that needs done.
well he does open car doors for me, they just don't see it.
they never see him because they want nothing to do with him
Your bf have his own place?
There ya go!
Try it for a month. I bet before that months up.. one of your parents comes up to see you!!
i'll try it
but it'll probably be the second hardest thing i'll ever have to do.
because if i tell them i'm moving into his place
it'll be world war 3
they'll get my sister involved and try to convince me all these reasons why i shouldn't.
I agree. But people get over it. The initial shock is the hardest part.
Never take what people say in anger to heart.
you said that you've seen this situation before?
can i ask who or how and what specifically?
and what the results were?
BF and GF are still together. Actually getting married.
mothercame along with the idea in less than a month.
Father showed up to get sized for a tux.
So I imagine he is going ot the wedding.
well what was their situation?
how bad was it?
Well, the boyfriend got bust by the cops.
And the parents didnt want their daughter around him.
She said screw it and left with him
what happened after she left with him?
did they stop talking to her for a while or?
Yes. The parents stopped talking to the daughter.
The mother was the first to reach out though.
how long did that take?
About a month
Things like this take time.
but when i decide to make the move, you advice i tell them
not just do it
and i mean, tell them ahead of time?
Right. Have your stuff ready and say. Tomorrow I am moving to better myself and to gain some independence.
Everything will be fine in the long run!
well i guess my situation isn't as bad as theirs
my boyfriend never got busted by the cops
they just hate him because he's not asian and because of that accident and when i moved out with him for a few months
Yep. Accidents happen.
Key to it is living with them and making them right!
and it really irritates me because everytime they talk about him to my sister
they refer to him as, "the mexican boy."
i.e. "if she wants to waste her money and time on that mexican boy..."
They degrade him because he is taking something your parents love.
as if he's some bum off the street
but he's a hard worker
They have to belittle him to make themselves feel better.
so that's expected basically
well a few months ago my dad and i had a talk about him
and he went from saying one thing, to saying another.
Like I said, you are 24 years old. You have the right to pursue anything you wish.
one minute he was talking about how, "if you really see something in this guy, then i don't know. i don't know anything about him."
so then i asked him if he'd be willing to sit down and actually meet and get to know my boyfriend
but he said something like how there's too much bad blood and that he doesn't like him and he doesn't really care for him and he'd urge for me to find someone better.
then he'd go back to saying he'd "try" to give him a shot but then he'd go back to saying he doesn't want to give him that shot.
Well, he doesnt have to love him.. only you do..
Do what makes you happy!
Everything else will fall into place!
i guess my whole life i'm used to these decisions that don't involve happiness because my parents didn't raise me that way
they've raised me to be more focused on material/money things and being able to support yourself and have a good life
because in their eyes a good life is making decent money and such.
Life is very difficult! You either Lead, Follow, or get out of the way!
happiness is more of a bonus and not a necessity.
or what my dad calls a "fantasy"
Money and material.. You cant take with you when you die..
Love is something you can take with you when you die!
also, i have a question to ask about my sister.
because i'm really concerned for her
and i guess this is my last resort to trying to find a solution to help her out.
she's 34 and she's done very well for herself.
she lives across the country from us due to her job so she's pretty alone out there.
she's been single for quite a long time and she's literally depressed.
she's tried multiple dating sites, but i don't know how she is in relationships.
she's gotten to the point where she's borderline alcoholic and she was on antidepressants at some point.
i don't know what other advice i can give to her
or what else i could do for her
i know i can't really do anything for her physically but
what advice can i give to her?
So you think the depression and being alone are making her life stink?
i've asked her why she's sad
What does she do for fun?
and sometimes she'll say "i don't know."
she started to take liking to a guy who lives in another state, has a live in gf of 5 years, and they talk every single day.
and she asked me what she should do
and i told her there's more fish out there in the sea, but that's some really bad advice for someone like her
Guys that have a woman while trying to hook another, will never be faithful or trustworthy. PERIOD
most of her friends are married now and a lot of my cousins recently just got married.
no i agree with you 100%
She needs to go to local churches
apparently he's bee stressed financially because he has the "burden" of taking care of his live in GF, and she talks to my sister about it to vent
i don't know what she does for fun
she's part of a dog foundation thing
one of those organizations that helps certain breeds
Does she go to church?
sometimes she'll go out to the parks with the dog org to mingle other dogs
Nice single guys at those places. Plus events, volunteering. Just being around people that want to help other people can be very productive andorduce a more social atmoshere!
i'll try suggesting that to her
she's not very open minded to ideas
my parents have suggested so many things
Just explain thigs will get better if she tries new things.
I hope this is helpful. If you have more follow up questions please let me know. It is never a problem. I will go above and beyond to make sure you are 100% satisfied!
Have a wonderful night!
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