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Ask Khristopher N. Sines AACJ, BSHS/M, MS...

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ, BSHS/M, MS/P
Khristopher N. Sines AACJ, BSHS/M, MS/P, Consultant
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 213
Experience:  Associates in Criminal Justice. Bachelors in Human Service Management. Masters in Psychology
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My parents dont like my boyfriend of three years because hes

Resolved Question:

My parents don't like my boyfriend of three years because he's not Asian (I'm chinese). One of the main reasons why they don't like him is because he was in a car accident with me when him and I first met and they blamed him for it and immediately hated him. They don't know anything about him (other than that he's Mexican) and I'm afraid that they will never come around.

My boyfriend and I have had this talk many times and he's fully committed and loyal to me even when he's aware of the situation. He says when the right time comes around when he can prove to my parents that he's not who they think he is. The "wait" will be worth it.

This situation is very stressful at times especially when I want to spend holidays or major events with him and can't invite him to those things because of how my parents feel about him. What do I do or how should I go about handling this in my mind?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: General
Expert:  Khristopher N. Sines AACJ, BSHS/M, MS/P replied 1 year ago.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Hello there and welcome to JustAnswer! My name is XXXXX XXXXX I am very happy to help you with your question!

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Four words come to mind regarding your situation. "Time heals all wounds".

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

I believe that your boyfriend is on the right track, a slow transition to build back up trust!

Customer:

It's been three years though since they've known about him and they still have not warmed up to him.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Accidents happen all the time and some are just more difficult to deal with and last longer due to the nature of event!

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Is he accepted at family gatherings?

Customer:

I admit that I'm also at fault for the distrust because I felt I "had" to lie about my whereabouts because of how much they disapproved of him.

Customer:

No he's not.

Customer:

I cannot even mention his name or arguments start and things get ugly.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Are you an only child?

Customer:

I am not.

Customer:

I have an older sister who is almost 11 years older than me. She's single however.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

It seems that no matter which path your take, someone will get hurt.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

As a parent... they should swallow their pride and be supportive of their daughter. No matter what path she takes.

Customer:

they're not your most typical parents and my dad tries to be supportive.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

If you are happy, they have no choice in the matter and will eventually.

Customer:

but he's also very stubborn and once he's set his mind/idea on something... there's no changing it.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Yep! Understandable! He has it in his head whats right for him.. not for you!

Customer:

so i need some advice because this is a real problem for me.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

How old are you?

Customer:

24

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Do you still live at hot with your parents?

Customer:

unfortunately yes

Customer:

they're INCREDIBLY controlling.

Customer:

i actually moved out at some point, but they guilt tripped me into moving back.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

That's part of the problem.

Customer:

which is also another part of the reason why they hate my boyfriend

Customer:

i know that's one of the reasons as well.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

You need to move and control your own desitiny.

Customer:

unfortunately, i love my parents and they're whole issue is: if i move out, i do not love them. if i move out, i've disrespected them.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Your heart should be leading you in a certain dirrection.

Customer:

i've disgraced them if i make any sort of those moves

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

They will get over it.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Believe me! Witnessed these types of things before.

Customer:

how so?

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

You need to stop worrying about the what if's in life.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Focus on what makes you happy!

Customer:

even if it means my parents saying they'll disown me and such things?

Customer:

or them being unhappy?

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Sometimes when i get put in a bind, I get a piece of paper, write down the two main problems, and underneath write the positives and negatives of each problem.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Your parents will get over it. Like I said, if they were any kind of parents, they would be happy and supportive of you!

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Your life will never progress into dreams and goals if someone keep holding you back!

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

I believe you want to be happy... Right?

Customer:

of course i do!

Customer:

and i know that's what's important

Customer:

but every single time i've had this talk with my parents

Customer:

they say happiness is not. that money is what keeps people thriving

Customer:

however, i don't believe this but they're very emotionally guilt tripping me every time.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Money makes things easier, but love, happiness, and trust are the things that keep us living. Emotions are the way to interact!

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

I would say your parents are being very selfish!

Customer:

so you're saying move out even if it hurts them and even if they say, "we won't want anything to do with you if you choose that guy."

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Do you want to be with this guy?

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

100%

Customer:

of course i do!

Customer:

yes

Customer:

more than 100%

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Then your parents are going o have to accept it.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

If they get all pissed in the beginning, I am sure they will, just be strong. They will miss there child and swallow their pride in time.

Customer:

now is there anything my boyfriend could do to win them over?

Customer:

or gain their respect?

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Not right away. It would be simply things. Like opening the car door for you or addressing you parents in a formal tone.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Always be willing to help with anything that needs done.

Customer:

well he does open car doors for me, they just don't see it.

Customer:

they never see him because they want nothing to do with him

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

They will..

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Your bf have his own place?

Customer:

yes

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

There ya go!

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Try it for a month. I bet before that months up.. one of your parents comes up to see you!
!

Customer:

i'll try it

Customer:

but it'll probably be the second hardest thing i'll ever have to do.

Customer:

because if i tell them i'm moving into his place

Customer:

it'll be world war 3

Customer:

they'll get my sister involved and try to convince me all these reasons why i shouldn't.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

I agree. But people get over it. The initial shock is the hardest part.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Never take what people say in anger to heart.

Customer:

you said that you've seen this situation before?

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Yes

Customer:

can i ask who or how and what specifically?

Customer:

and what the results were?

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

BF and GF are still together. Actually getting married.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

mothercame along with the idea in less than a month.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Father showed up to get sized for a tux.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

So I imagine he is going ot the wedding.

Customer:

well what was their situation?

Customer:

how bad was it?

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Well, the boyfriend got bust by the cops.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

And the parents didnt want their daughter around him.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

She said screw it and left with him

Customer:

what happened after she left with him?

Customer:

did they stop talking to her for a while or?

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Yes. The parents stopped talking to the daughter.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

The mother was the first to reach out though.

Customer:

how long did that take?

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

About a month

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Things like this take time.

Customer:

but when i decide to make the move, you advice i tell them

Customer:

not just do it

Customer:

and i mean, tell them ahead of time?

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Right. Have your stuff ready and say. Tomorrow I am moving to better myself and to gain some independence.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Everything will be fine in the long run!

Customer:

well i guess my situation isn't as bad as theirs

Customer:

my boyfriend never got busted by the cops

Customer:

they just hate him because he's not asian and because of that accident and when i moved out with him for a few months

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Yep. Accidents happen.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Key to it is living with them and making them right!

Customer:

and it really irritates me because everytime they talk about him to my sister

Customer:

they refer to him as, "the mexican boy."

Customer:

i.e. "if she wants to waste her money and time on that mexican boy..."

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

They degrade him because he is taking something your parents love.

Customer:

as if he's some bum off the street

Customer:

but he's a hard worker

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

They have to belittle him to make themselves feel better.

Customer:

so that's expected basically

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Yep.

Customer:

well a few months ago my dad and i had a talk about him

Customer:

and he went from saying one thing, to saying another.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Like I said, you are 24 years old. You have the right to pursue anything you wish.

Customer:

one minute he was talking about how, "if you really see something in this guy, then i don't know. i don't know anything about him."

Customer:

so then i asked him if he'd be willing to sit down and actually meet and get to know my boyfriend

Customer:

but he said something like how there's too much bad blood and that he doesn't like him and he doesn't really care for him and he'd urge for me to find someone better.

Customer:

then he'd go back to saying he'd "try" to give him a shot but then he'd go back to saying he doesn't want to give him that shot.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Well, he doesnt have to love him.. only you do..

Customer:

right

Customer:

you're right.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Do what makes you happy!

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Everything else will fall into place!

Customer:

i guess my whole life i'm used to these decisions that don't involve happiness because my parents didn't raise me that way

Customer:

they've raised me to be more focused on material/money things and being able to support yourself and have a good life

Customer:

because in their eyes a good life is making decent money and such.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Life is very difficult! You either Lead, Follow, or get out of the way!

Customer:

happiness is more of a bonus and not a necessity.

Customer:

or what my dad calls a "fantasy"

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Money and material.. You cant take with you when you die..

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Love is something you can take with you when you die!

Customer:

also, i have a question to ask about my sister.

Customer:

because i'm really concerned for her

Customer:

and i guess this is my last resort to trying to find a solution to help her out.

Customer:

she's 34 and she's done very well for herself.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Ok

Customer:

she lives across the country from us due to her job so she's pretty alone out there.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Ok

Customer:

she's been single for quite a long time and she's literally depressed.

Customer:

she's tried multiple dating sites, but i don't know how she is in relationships.

Customer:

she's gotten to the point where she's borderline alcoholic and she was on antidepressants at some point.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Ok

Customer:

i don't know what other advice i can give to her

Customer:

or what else i could do for her

Customer:

i know i can't really do anything for her physically but

Customer:

what advice can i give to her?

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

So you think the depression and being alone are making her life stink?

Customer:

yes

Customer:

100%

Customer:

i've asked her why she's sad

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

What does she do for fun?

Customer:

and sometimes she'll say "i don't know."

Customer:

but recently

Customer:

she started to take liking to a guy who lives in another state, has a live in gf of 5 years, and they talk every single day.

Customer:

and she asked me what she should do

Customer:

and i told her there's more fish out there in the sea, but that's some really bad advice for someone like her

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Guys that have a woman while trying to hook another, will never be faithful or trustworthy. PERIOD

Customer:

most of her friends are married now and a lot of my cousins recently just got married.

Customer:

no i agree with you 100%

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

She needs to go to local churches

Customer:

apparently he's bee stressed financially because he has the "burden" of taking care of his live in GF, and she talks to my sister about it to vent

Customer:

i don't know what she does for fun

Customer:

she's part of a dog foundation thing

Customer:

one of those organizations that helps certain breeds

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Does she go to church?

Customer:

nope

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

She should!

Customer:

sometimes she'll go out to the parks with the dog org to mingle other dogs

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Nice single guys at those places. Plus events, volunteering. Just being around people that want to help other people can be very productive andorduce a more social atmoshere!

Customer:

i'll try suggesting that to her

Customer:

she's not very open minded to ideas

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

:)

Customer:

my parents have suggested so many things

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Just explain thigs will get better if she tries new things.

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

I hope this is helpful. If you have more follow up questions please let me know. It is never a problem. I will go above and beyond to make sure you are 100% satisfied!

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Have a wonderful night!

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ :

Please rate my answer! Thank you sooooo much!

Customer:

thank you!

Customer:

you too!

Khristopher N. Sines AACJ, BSHS/M, MS/P, Consultant
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 213
Experience: Associates in Criminal Justice. Bachelors in Human Service Management. Masters in Psychology
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Khristopher N. Sines AACJ, BSHS/M, MS/P
Khristopher N. Sines AACJ, BSHS/M, MS/P
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Associates in Criminal Justice. Bachelors in Human Service Management. Masters in Psychology