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Cher
Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 18780
Experience:  M.A., B.A., Author, Senior Informational Specialist
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CHER, HI I WOULD LIKE AN ANSWER TO MY QUESTION. PLUS, IM PAYING

Customer Question

CHER, HI I WOULD LIKE AN ANSWER TO MY QUESTION. PLUS, I'M PAYING U RIGHT NOW. LET ME KNOW U GOT IT.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: General
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Steph and thanks for requesting me.

I hope you're having a good day!

Talk about ESP, I was just about to write you/send an answer to your question from last night.

I think he's afraid that even though you say you just want to be friends, he thinks you want to pursue something more romantic, which scares him to death. The only way you will convince him of your intentions is to actually show him in person. It's really hard to believe that he would hold out so long and not speak to you, but I think it's just a part of his disorder. He hasn't forgotten about you, per se, but he's just going about his daily life in a normal manner. Because of his disorder, he's not consciously 'obsessing' about your relationship.

No, I have not received any payments.

Warmest regards,
Cher



Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 18780
Experience: M.A., B.A., Author, Senior Informational Specialist
Cher and 130 other General Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

R U SURE U DIDN'T GET THE 15$ I GAVE U? I JUST DID IT ABOUT 20 MINUTES AGO. I WILL RATE U AGAIN WITH A TIP. I TOOK MY DOCTORS SUGGESTION AND TEXTED HIM TODAY. MY LAWYER IS SENDING ME 2 COPIES OF THE T.V. INTERVIEW. THEY SAID, THAT I WAS SO COMPOSED AND SYMPATHETIC THAT AMERICA WILL FEEL SO SORRY FOR ME. I CAN'T WAIT TO C IT. PERRY ALWAYS WANTED TO WATCH IT. SO I TEXTED. I GOT A COPY OF THE INTERVIEW WOULD U LIKE ME TO MAIL U A COPY? I SAID, PLEASE WATCH THIS ALONE BECAUSE, THIS IS MY EMBARRESSMENT. THIS WAS DONE TO ME. I'M TRYING TO FIX IT. PLEASE, LET ME KNOW IF U WANT TO WATCH IT. I SAID, I MISS MY FRIEND. I HAVEN'T HEARD. I DO THINK HE GOT FURLOUGHED. HE TOOK THE JOKES HIS FRIENDS MADE ABOUT HIS LAWN DOWN OFF HIS FACE BOOK. THAT MUST HAVE MADE HIM MAD. MY DOCTOR SAYS, WE WILL BE FRIENDS SOMEDAY AGAIN. HE SAID, PERRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO SO HE DOES NOTHING. WE BOTH AGREE ON THAT. HE SAID JUST KEEP TEXTING YOUR COMING AND U WANT TO C HIM AND CHLOE. IF I DON'T GET A RESPONSE, TEXT THE NEXT WEEK. HE SAID, IF U HEAR NOTHING THEN DON'T GO. SO, HOW R WE EVER GOING TO BE FRIENDS AGAIN? MY DOCTOR TOLD ME NOT TO HAVE ANY ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH AN A.S. PERSON. IT'S GOOD ADVICE ABOUT JUST TEXTING HIM ONCE A WEEK I'M COMING. MY DOCTOR DIDN'T THINK HE MISSES ME. HE EVEN SAID, WHEN I LEFT AND HE WAS COLD HE WAS HAPPY I WAS LEAVING BECAUSE, THEN HIS LIFE COULD GO BACK TO BEING ROUTINE. MAYBE IT IS JUST TO HARD TO C ME BECAUSE, IT WOLD TAKE HIM OUT OF HIS ROUTINE. DO U AGREE WITH MY DOCTOR? HE DOESN'T THINK OF ME OR MISS ME. PLUS, THAT HE WAS HAPPY I LEFT. THE GOOD NEWS MY LAWYER TOLD ME TO EXPECT TO HAVE THIS LAWSUIT SETTLED NEXT MONTH. HE THINKS IT WILL BE. WHAT DO U THINK? I FEEL LIKE 100 POUNDS HAS BEEN LIFTED OFF MY SHOULDERS.

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Steph.

Thanks very much for your positive rating. I did receive this one, on this answer, but no bonus and no other rating 20 min. ago.

That was a good idea to text him asking him if he wanted to see a copy of the interview before it airs.

Your doctor may be right re: when you left, that allowed his life to return to 'normal/routine' and he feels most secure in that 'mode'. He could be honest with you about that, if it's true, but also, there's no reason to not communicate and remain friends. Yes, I've been telling you for a long time, that he does nothing because he doesn't know what to do/how to handle the situation.

That is great news from your lawyer! I think he's right. I know how you feel, having this weight lifted from your shoulders, but let's wait and see and 'not count our chickens....'
as they say! : ) I'm so excited for you!

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

DOES YOUR GIFT C THIS SETTLING? I'M GETTING VERY MAD AT YOUR BILLING DEPT. IF HE IS DOING NOTHING DOES THAT MEAN HIS FEELINGS RUN SO DEEP FOR ME HE CAN'T SPEAK TO ME? OR DOES IT MEAN HE JUST WANTS ME TO GET OUT OF HIS LIFE? I'M STILL GOING TO SEND HIM THE DISC OF THE SHOW. I WANT HIM TO C WHAT I WENT THROUGH, AND HOW I SURVIVED. DO U THINK HE IS JUST HOPING I GIVE UP ON TALKING TO HIM. BECAUSE, I'M GOING TO QUIT TRYING SOON. I DID SOME INVESTIGATING ON A.S. PEOPLE AND THEY R LITERAL PEOPLE. THEY NEED TO C U. THEY NEED TO KNOW HOW U FEEL. I DO AGREE I THINK HE IS SCARED, BUT, SCARED OF WHAT? DO U THINK HE LOVES ME IN HIS WAY AND THAT SCARES HIM. OR HE JUST WANT;S ME OUT OF HIS LIFE FOR GOOD?

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi Steph,

I do think this will settle, as your lawyer expects.

If he's doing nothing, it's because he's torn and doesn't know what to do. Yes, I think sending him the disc is a good idea, whether he responds to you or not. Let him see what you went through. Yes, A.S. people are 'literal' and that's why the 'out of sight/out of mind' theory holds true. However, you were communicating without seeing each other and he continued to communicate.......but that was before the romantic interlude. I believe his feelings for you run deep and he's still your friend and would like to continue being your friend but is afraid and scared of what will happen. I don't think he wants you out of his life for good.

Let's see what happens after you send him the disc.

I just wanted to let you know I'm taking a break for dinner, so we can continue our conversation later.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

HAVE A GOOD DINNER. WOULD U STILL GO IF U WERE MEAN. WHAT DOES LITERAL MEAN? WITH THE OUT OF SIGHT/OUT OF MIND. SO BASICALLY, HE NEEDS TO C ME IN PERSON NOW. BECAUSE, HE HAS SEEN ME RECENTLY. I JUST WANT TO C HIM AND SPEND TIME WITH HIM. JUST CUDDLE. TELL HIM I'M COMING BACK. WHEN I DO I WILL STAY EVEN LONGER. WHAT'S HE TORN ABOUT THAT HE DOES NOTHING?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

R U THERE?

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi Steph.

I'm here. I would still go if I were you. 'Literal', regarding the out of sight/out of mind means he takes things as he can see them; what he can't see is not relevant to him or doesn't make much of a difference to his life. You're right, he needs to see you in person so your only choice is to go. He's torn about the fact that he wants to remain friends with you but he doesn't want any romantic relationship; he's afraid if you re-enter his life, if you want to be friends again, that you may want to be intimate again and he doesn't want that. Even though you say you only want to be friends, he's afraid if you are physically together again, you might change your mind about only being friends and I feel he may not feel he can trust himself not to want to be with you again, in a romantic way, but knows he can't. He's still embarrassed about his 'failure.'

Please rate if my answer was helpful. Thank you so much!

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

CHER, I GUESS WERE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE. HE TOOK ME OFF OF HIS FRIEND PAGE PLUS, MY FRIEND TAMMY. Y NOW. I BARELY TALK TO HIM. NEVER ON FB. I SENT HIM A NEW FRIEND REQUEST. I TOLD HIM I WANT MY FRIEND BACK. WHAT DID I DO? I WISH I WOULD HAVE NEVER WENT UP THERE WE WOULD STILL BE FRIENDS. I TOLD HIM THAT. I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DID THAT. I LOST MY FRIEND FOR SURE NOW. Y DID HE QUIT BEING MY FRIEND? I'M GOING TO CRY. HE DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH GUTS TO TELL ME WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS. NOW, I WILL NOT GO THERE, I DON'T C US TALKING AGAIN. CAN U BELIEVE THIS. I'M GOING TO CRY. 27 YEARS AND THIS IS WHAT I GET.

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi Steph.

This is utterly unbelievable! There was no reason for him to unfriend you and Tammy. Wait, he's allowed to friend and speak to YOUR friends, but you're not allowed to speak to his? Double standard! Not allowed!

You can't say you wish you never went up there. He invited you to go up there and you wanted to go up there. You need to find out what caused him to take this action. You can't assume you've lost your friend. If you never spoke to him on FB, it shouldn't matter that you're no longer friends on FB. You have to get him to open up to you and give you an explanation of why he refuses to communicate with you. You have a few choices. You can call him, but not from your phone, so he doesn't know it's you, and hopefully he will talk to you. You can pretend you never saw the FB page and have no idea what he did. You can write him that letter I've suggested and send it snail mail. You can still show up at his door and make him tell you why he's refusing to speak to you after 27 years of friendship. You need closure.

If you just want to accept it without knowing why he's doing this, this is another option, but you can try to make contact again in a couple of months and see if he will respond.

I know how upset and sad you feel; you have every right to feel this way. You did nothing so terrible that he should treat you like this. It is because of his disorder, and you need to keep reminding yourself of that. He doesn't realize how badly he's making you feel.

Cry if it will make you feel better; release your pent-up emotions--you're certainly entitled........but, he still owes you an explanation IF he no longer considers you a friend. FB is not the be all and end all of friendship. Maybe he will be replacing your pic with another one from when you are there. Did you receive a notification saying he 'unfriended' you? I told you I'm not that familiar with FB and don't know how it works very well. If he just took the picture down, it doesn't mean he's no longer your friend. Maybe he did this to prevent you from communicating with any of HIS friends!

I would not consider the friendship ended until he tells you in person or via a different mode of communication, in those exact words, and gives an explanation why.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

CHER, HE IS JUST AN A--HOLE. ON FB THERE IS A FRIEND SECTION ON IT. HE IS OFF MINE AND I'M OFF HIS. HE DID IT. U DON'T GET NOTIFIED WHEN IT'S DONE. OR IF U DO I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I PUT IN ANOTHER REQUEST. PLUS, I TOLD HIM I DID NOTHING WRONG TO U. Y R U DOING THIS TO ME? WE HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR A LONG TIME. HE IS JUST SHOWING ME HIS TRUE COLORS. HE'S A COWARD. HE NOW KNOWS I KNOW HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE MY FRIEND. I BELIEVE ALL BECAUSE, EVEN IF I WENT TO HIS HOUSE HE WOULD JUST TELL ME WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS. I KNOW IT'S BECAUSE, HE CAN'T GET OVER HIS FAILURE. SO HE CAN'T BE MY FRIEND HE THINKS THAT I KNOW. I'M SURE HE THINKS THAT IF WE SPENT TIME TOGETHER I WOULD WANT SEX. I WOULDN'T. I WOULD JUST WANT TO CUDDLE. IT DOESN'T MATTER. I HAVE TO JUST DEAL WITH THE FACT WERE NOT FRIENDS. I GUESS THE CARDS WERE WRONG. DO U STILL THINK WE WILL BE FRIENDS.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

YEA, HE TOOK THOSE PICTURES DOWN OF HIM GETTING THOSE AUTOGRAPHS LAST WEEKEND. REMEMBER I SAID, HOW GOOD HE LOOKED. HE TOOK ALL THOSE DOWN TO. Y WOULD HE TAKE PICS DOWN. HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO KNOW ANYTHING HE IS DOING. HOW CRAZY! I DON'T EVEN TALK TO HIM. NOT ON FB ESPECIALLY. HE HATES ME THAT MUCH. Y TAKE DOWN PICS OF CELBRITIES.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

HOW CAN HE NOT KNOW HOW BADLY THIS MAKES ME FEEL. IT'S DELIBERATE AND MEAN.

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi Steph,

If he took down all the pics of him getting those autographs from celebrities, exactly--why would he take down any pics at all? Maybe he's putting up a whole new batch. He doesn't hate you. You are jumping to conclusions but they are not far-fetched, considering the circumstances. You're having to guess at everything and you have no idea what's going on in his head. You shouldn't have reacted that quickly. If you don't communicate on FB, why should it matter? Now, he knows you're watching his FB page so closely. You don't want him to know that.

Maybe he is an a-hole and his behavior toward you is absolutely inappropriate, but you need to talk it out. Texts saying you lost your friend, why is he doing this to you, etc., are either bothering him, but leaving him with no choice of what to do or rolling off his back because you're not there in person.

Don't communicate anything further to him at this time. I do not believe your friendship is over and I do believe you will speak again at some time in the future. You need to calm down for a few days to a week and then write him that letter and mail it. He will have the choice of responding or not responding. You can even say at the end of the letter: if I receive no response from you (in any form), I will assume you are ending our precious friendship, which is very hurtful to me and undeserved. Wait and see what happens.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Oh, I wanted to add--Can you speak to his friend Paul without him knowing? Try to get the real scoop on what's going on. Do you think he would talk to Paul about you and your relationship? Can you, very privately, like not on FB or anything contact Paul, ask him not to say you did and don't mention anything about FB, just say, I'm very troubled and worried because I have not heard from Perry in a long time, despite trying to contact him and leaving messages. Do you know if everything is alright? Do you think Paul would speak to you and tell you anything? Can you trust him not to tell Perry you contacted him? Don't do anything unless you're sure of those two things.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

THIS IS SUCH A BAD SITUATION I WON'T EVEN ATTEMPT IT. HE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. HE SHOULD HAVE RETURNED THE WATCH IF HE KNEW HE WASN'T GOING TO BE MY FRIEND. HE IS JUST A RUDE PERSON. U CAN'T TELL ME HIS DISORDER DOESN'T KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG. HE IS ACTING LIKE A LITTLE KID. I MIGHT BUY A GO PHONE AND CALL HIM SOMEDAY. IN THE NEXT YEAR OR SO. I KNOW I DID NOTHING WRONG. DO U THINK HE HAS ANY GOOD FEELINGS ABOUT ME LEFT. HE TOOK THE CELEBRITY PICS DOWN FOR A REASON. HE UN-FRIENDED A FEW DAYS AGO. SO THAT FACT I'M JUST FINDING OUT NOW SHOWS HIM I DON'T WATCH HIS PAGE. HE TOOK DOWN THE PICS OF HIM SO I CAN'T C HIM. Y DO THIS? Y NOT JUST TELL ME STEPH I CAN'T BE YOUR FRIEND. I KNOW HIS REASONING IS HE FAILED ME, AND HE CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN. SO THEREFORE, IF HE THINKS US BEING FRIENDS MIGHT GO THERE AGAIN HE WOULD RATHER JUST CUT ME OUT OF HIS LIFE. I COULD TELL HIM I'M REMARRYING LOUIE. BUT, THAT WOULD PROBABLY BE WORSE. BUT, I DON'T THINK IT CAN GET WORSE. I HAVE COME TO TERMS WE WILL NOT BE FRIENDS. Y DO U THINK HE DID ALL THIS?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

R U STILL UP.

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi Steph,

I'm still up. I was answering another client. Thanks for your patience.

I understand your feelings and understand you not even wanting to attempt anything further. You're right, what he did was wrong and he knows right from wrong. Don't tell him you're remarrying Louie--it won't do any good or resolve the situation.

The only reason I can think of for him doing this is because of his embarrassment over his failure to perform. This may have affected him more deeply than you knew/know. Even if you say or said we will only be friends and not do that again, he may not believe you and fears this will happen again.

If you can reconcile him not being a part of your life anymore and not being friends anymore, that's fine. Leave it as it is for now. Deal with the more important things happening in your life and put this on the back burner for the time being.

I'm so sorry this has happened and I'm feeling your pain.

Warmest wishes,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

MAYBE, IN TIME WE WILL TALK. I WAS READING ABOUT ASPIES AND ONE SAID, THAT HE PROBABLY IS SO ANXTIOUS ABOUT THE GUN-SHY THING HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. THEY SAID, GIVE IT TIME. HE IS JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THAT U WERE THERE, AND HE SAW ME IN PERSON. IT WAS TOO FAST FOR HIM THEY SAID. I AGREE WITH THAT. BUT THE FB THING JUST LETS ME KNOW HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE MY FRIEND ANYMORE. DO U AGREE HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE MY FRIEND ANYMORE. Y DO THIS? DO U THINK IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS WE'LL TALK. I KNOW Y HE DID IT REMEMBER I TEXTED HIM I WAS COMING ON THE 18TH. THIS WAY HE IS TELLING ME NOT TO COME WITHOUT TELLING ME. R A.S. PEOPLE COWARDS. DO U THINK I WILL STILL C HIM THIS YEAR. MAYBE IN DEC I MIGHT GO THERE.

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Steph,

I'll be with you in a few minutes.

Thanks,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

O.K.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

R U STILL UP

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi Steph.

Thanks for your patience.

This is what I'm saying re: your 'encounter' when you went there. He's scared and doesn't know what to do, so he's ignoring the situation and perhaps ending the situation by not speaking to you and then unfriending you. It certainly does sound like the coward's way out, but I don't know if Aspies are cowards or not. From what I've learned, usually they are, but then again, you can't group them all into one place/symptom. Each individual has their own problems.

I don't think you'll never speak again. Texting him you were coming on the 18th and then unfriending you may be related in his mind, but not in mine. what if you never knew he unfriended you? You'd get on a plane and he wouldn't be home? We're guessing again, and we can't do that. He needs to communicate in words and he finds this difficult. You can plan on possibly going there in Dec. and not telling him, but don't make any plans for a while and don't contact him for a while. What you said to him about his actions hurting you were not even responded to; this is more hurtful, but he can't help himself. I'm not saying aspies can do things to hurt people and be forgiven due to their disorder, but considering all the years you've known each other, he could have had the courtesy to respond to you and express his feelings, but I really think he's unable to do this.

Steph, I have to sign offline now, and will be out for most of tomorrow, so we can talk late tom'w night if you like.

Regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT! YOUR RIGHT HE CAN'T HANDLE THE SITUATION. I'M GOING TO STAY AWAY THAT'S FOR SURE. I WILL NOT LET THIS END THIS WAY. I WILL LET TIME PASS AND GO C HIM IN PERSON. I WILL TELL HIM WE R FRIENDS. GET OVER IT. I WILL NOT SAY ANYTHING ELSE. EXCEPT LETS MOVE ON. I WILL TELL HIM THE BEST NIGHT I HAD WAS WHEN I WAS IN HIS ARMS. I DON'T WANT ANYTHING ELSE. NOTHING SEXUAL. LET HIM KNOW THAT THE BEST TIME I HAD WAS WHEN WE HUNG OUT NO SEX. I HAVE FAITH IN U AND YOUR GIFT.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

CHER, I HAVE DONE A LOT OF THINKING. I EVEN DID SOME RESEARCH ON A.S PEOPLE. THEIR NOT NORMAL. IF HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE MY FRIEND THEN HE SHOULD HAVE RETURNED THE WATCH. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN PROPER ETIQUITE. IN MY RESEARCH THE TOLD ME THE SEX THING WAS TO HARD ON HIM. ASPIES HAVE TO TAKE IT SLOW. IN HIS MIND HES EMBARRASSED AN D CONFUSED WE KNOW THIS. THEY SAID, U HAVE TO TAKE IT REAL SLOW WITH HIM BECAUSE, IT MEANS THAT MUCH. THEN, BECAUSE, HE HAS DO MUCH RESPECT FOR ME AND HE FAILED ME THAT MADE IT WORSE. DO GET ME WRONG CHER, I WANT TO HURT HIM. I DID NOTHING TO HIM. REMEMBER HE LIED TO ME FOR YEARS ABOUT HIS WIFE AND KID AND I STILL FOR GAVE HIM. I GET CUT OF COMMUNICATION BECAUSE, HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME? DO U THINK HIS FEELINGS RUN THAT DEEP FOR ME? OR HE JUST DOESN'T WANT TO BE MY FRIEND.


 


WELL, I HAVE A PLAN. I WILL LET TIME GO BYE. I WILL TEXT HIM WHEN I WILL BE ON T.V. THAT'S IT. JUST THE DATE AND THE TIME. THEN, ONE DAY I WILL TRY TO TALK TO HIM AGAIN. NOT NOW. NOT SOON, MAYBE ID A FEW MONTHS. I WILL NOTIFY I'M COMING FORA VISIT. WHEN I C HIM THIS IS WHAT I WILL SAY, PERRY, WE HAVE BEEN FRIENDS TOO LONG TO NOT BE IN EACH OTHERS LIFE. U LOVE KAYLA, AND SHE IS ABOUT TO GRADUATE COLLEGE AT 19. THE GO TO DENTAL SCHOOL. I WANT TO SHARE THAT WITH U, U ADORE MY FAMILY. NOW, I MADE A MISTAKE IN THE PAST. I SHOULD HAVE JUST LET U HOLD ME THE WHOLE NIGHT, BECAUSE, WHEN, U DID IT WAS THE BEST NIGHT EVER. I CAN'T PLAY WOULD'VE SHOULD'VE COULD'VE. WHAT'S DONE IS DONE. I KNOW WE BOTH HAVE FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER AND THAT SCARES ME TO. I PROMISE I WANT NOTHING FROM U. I WOULD NEVER HURT U. I JUST WANT WHAT WE HAD BACK. I'M HERE FOR U. I WANT TO HANG OUT WITH U AND CHLOE ON YOUR TIME. NO RUSH. I WILL BE HERE FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS TO HANG OUT. I WILL TRY NOTHING WITH U. EXCEPT WHEN I WAS IN YOUR ARMS I LOVED IT. SO, MAYBE WHEN WERE SITTING ON THE COUCH I MIGHT SIT NEXT TO U. THAT'S ALL. OUR FRIENDSHIP COMES FIRST. NOW, I HAVE SAID, WHAT I HAD TO SAY. THERE IS NO REASON TO DISCUSS THIS ANY MORE IT'S IN THE PAST. THAT IS WHERE IT WILL STAY. NOW LETS GO AND HANG OUT. IF HE SAYS, I HAVE NO FEELINGS LIKE THAT FOR U. I WILL SAY YES, U DO WERE ONLY HUMAN. WHEN U CUT OFF CONTACT WITH ME IT SHOULD ME U COULDN'T HANDLE IT. THAT'S Y I'M HERE TO TELL IT'S IN THE PAST. WE WILL MOVE FORWARD. SOMEDAY U WILL WANT TO TRY AGAIN AT YOUR PACE AND TIME. THEN WE WILL DISCUSS IT THEN. BUT, RIGHT NOW ALL I WANT IS YOUR FRIENDSHIP. AND TO SIT NEXT TO U. I UNDERSTAND A.S. PEOPLE ARE ANXIOUS AND CONFUSED. PLUS HE FAILED ME. BUT, I KNOW HE HAS ENOUGH RESPECT FOR ME THAT HE WILL LISTEN. WHEN I'M DONE WITH MY LITTLE SPEECH I WILL TELL THIS CONVERSATION IS NOW OVER. WERE STARTING FRESH. THEN, I WILL TAKE THE LEAD AND JUST SHOW HIM HOW TO OPEN UP AND HAVE FUN. WHAT DO U THINK? OR IS IT TO LATE? BECAUSE, HE HAS NO RESPECT FOR ME ANY MORE. WHEN I TALKED TO THESE ASPIES. THEY SAY, THE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY SO, THEY DO NOTHING. I'M GOING TO BUY THE BOOK ASPERGERS FOR DUMMIES. I DO KNOW ON THING HE ACTS LIKE MY 11 YEAR OLD SON. LIKE A LITTLE POUTING BOY. BUT, HE IS MAD AT ME FOR SOMETHING/ WHAT DID I DO? DO U LIKE MY IDEA.


 

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

THE ASPIES DID TELL ME HIS FEAR IS THAT I WOULD REJECT HIM. I GUESS HIS WIFE DID I COULD C THAT PLUS IT'S ME. BUT, ISN'T HE REJECTING ME FIRST.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

R U THERE.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

R U WORKING.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

R U STILL UP

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi Steph.

I literally just walked in the door. Can you give me a few minutes to read your reply?

Thanks!
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

YES

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

R U STILL UP.

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Steph.

Thanks so much for your patience.

I think your plan is great! I like the words you chose and I'm glad that you're buying that book, to learn more about how aspies minds' work. Of course all people are different, but you're getting a taste of the 'basics'. I keep reminding you, you did nothing wrong. He seemed to want to be intimate, too; you didn't push him into anything, but yes, it WAS too soon for him. Reassuring him you are content with just continuing your friendship and doing no more than cuddling is good. It will set his mind at ease and know you don't expect any more from him in that arena.

Please rate this answer so I can get credited by the site for my time. If you're not able to rate it, please start a new, separate question for me, with a new subject. Thank you so much!

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Warmest wishes,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

DO U THINK HE HAS ENOUGH RESPECT FOR ME STILL TO TALK AND LISTEN.DO U THINK HE FOUND SOMEONE ELSE SO HE CAN'T COMMUNICATE WITH ME. THAT WILL BE UNFAIR. I WILL MAKE MY POINT CLEAR. I WILL JUST SAY WE BOTH MADE MISTAKES. BUT, IF HE SAY'S HE'S NOT FEELING IT. I WILL SAY YES, U R U HAVE NOT DONE TO GREAT LENGTHS TO AVOID ME. I WILL TELL HIM LISTEN TO ME. ONLY TO ME NO INTERUPPTIONS. I'M SCARED TO. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL REJECTED ALTHOUGH U HAVE ALREADY. I WOULD NEVER REJECT U. I PROMISE U THAT. I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR U AND CHLOE. I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.THE NIGHT WE SPENT TOGETHER IN YOUR ARMS WAS THE BEST NIGHT I HAVE HAD IN A LONG TIME. NOW, I HAVE MONEY SO. LETS ENJOY IT. I WILL NEVER PRESSURE U ABOUT ANYTHING SEXUAL. I MIGHT WANT TO SIT NEXT TO U ON YOUR COUCH. BECAUSE, I ENJOYED CUDDLING, BUT, I WILL NEVER MAKE U UNCOMFORTABLE AGAIN I PROMISE U THAT. IF U SOMEDAY WHANT TO EXPLORE MORE THEN WE WILL TALK. BUT, RIGHT NOW IT'D ABOUT US HAVING FUN, BUT, IF HE HAS ALREADY LOST HIS RESPECT FOR ME IT WILL DO NOW GOOD. I WILL GIVE THIS A COUPLE OF MONTHS.I'M SURE HE WOULD SAY STEPH U DRIVE ME CRAZY AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO . THEN, I WILL SAY, LISTEN TO ME FOR 2 MINUTES. THEN WE WILL NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN THIS WAY HIS FAILURE IS A TRIUMPH BECAUSE NOW, HE KNOWS I JUST WANT TO BE HELD NOTHING MORE.DO U THINK HE WILL LISTEN TO ME. REMEMBER HE IS MAD AT ME. I DON'T KNOW WHY. I GUESS IT'S BECAUSE HE FILLS LIKE A FAILURE. DO U THINK HE THINKS I;M A LOSER AND A FAILURE. MAYBE THA;S Y WE DON'T TALK.

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
There is no way he feels you are a loser and a failure!

I do think he still has enough respect for you that he will listen if you ask him to, in a couple of months. Intead of saying 'the night we spent together in your arms.....' say something related to the cuddling so he doesn't misinterpret what you're saying and think you mean 'in his arms, when you were being intimate'. You do say that later on, but say it up front to take any pressure off him. Also, don't mention someday maybe exploring that option again. That will scare him off. If it happens, it happens, but since we feel that may be the reason for his non-communication, don't mention it at all when you speak to him.

The rest is very goiod!

Steph, we can't continue in this thread, it's too long; please rate me and open a new question for me. Thanks!

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Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

CHER, I CAN'T START A NEW THREAD UNTIL TOMORROW. LOUIE SHUT OFF THE DEBIT CARD. I'LL I HAVE TO SAY IS I WANT TO HURT HIM. I KNOW THIS ISN'T IN ME, IT'S NOT WHO I AM. BUT, I WANT TO. DO U HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS ON HOW I CAN DO THIS? I'M SURE HE HAS NO MORE RESPECT FOR ME EITHER SO THERE'S NOTHING TO LOSE. CHER I LOST IT ALL WITH HIM. THE ONE THING I KNEW IN LIFE IS THAT SOMEONE CARED ABOUT ME AND HAD MORE RESPECT FOR ME THAT ANYONE. NOW HE FEELS NOTHING BUT, THIS HURTS ME A LOT. HOW DO I GET THE RESPECT BACK? IF I CAN'T I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE HIS LIFE MORE DIFFICULT. I KNOW IT'S BAD. BUT, HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING. EXCEPT LIKING LIKE A CHILD.


T

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi Steph,

I understand why you want to hurt him but you're right, it isn't in you. I think you can hurt him most with your words, if that's the way you want to go, by being honest with him, as we had discussed. I don't think he's lost respect for you; he still respects you, he just doesn't know what to do with you, he's scared, and so he feels no contact means he doesn't have to face the problem. It's like the 'ostrich's head buried in the sand' scenario. If he doesn't see you or speak to you, he doesn't have to deal with what happened and then it goes away, magically. I don't think he realizes how badly he's hurt you. I also don't think he feels nothing for you, but for the moment, you're not a part of his day to day existence, so he goes on with his routine and pushes all this to the side and doesn't give it much thought. He doesn't realize he's done something unacceptable which is hurting you very much. You're right; he IS acting like a child, but in many ways, aspies can do this.

I hope you're able to begin a new question tomorrow, but please don't put anything about payments in the subject line of the title, just request me by name.

Why did Louie shut down the debit card?

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

LOUIE SHUT IT DOWN BECAUSE, I WAS USING IT TO TALK YOU. HE FOUND OUT IT WAS PERRY. SO, NOW I HAVE TO GET ONE OF MY OWN. I HAVE CAN HURT HIM WITH MY WORDS HOW. HE DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. IF HE IS SCARED OF ME. THEN HE WILL NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN. DO U THINK IF I SAW HIM 3 MOS FROM NOW HE WOULD TALK. LISTEN TO MY SPEECH I TOLD U ABOUT. MU IDEA WAS TO HAVE MY COUSIN CALL HIM AND TELL HIM I DIED. I WAS KILLED BY A HIT AND RUN DRIVER. SHE COULD SAY, I KNOW U WEREN'T TALKING MUCH TO HER AND THAT BOTHERED HER. BUT, SHE HAD A LOT OF RESPECT FOR U. THE FAMILY AND I THOUGHT IT BEST EVERYONE KNEW. SHE WANT'S NO FLOWERS JUST A DONATION TO ST. JUDES CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL, MY FAMILY OWNS A CEMETERY IN ALABAMA THAT'S WHERE SHE WILL BE BURIED. I KNOW SHE'S SORRY SHE NEVER GOT TO NE YOUR FRIEND AGAIN. PLEASE, JUST TO LET U KNOW SHE REALLY CARED FOR U. I LIKE THAT. THIS WAY I WILL NEVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN. HE WILL FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF CRAP. OH BUT, I FORGOT THEY HAVE NO EMPATHY. SO, HE WOULDN'T CARE. BUT, IY WOULD BE CLOSURE TO ME. SO WHAT WORDS CAN I USE TO HURT HIM.

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Steph.

I would NEVER make up a story like that. I'm very superstitious when it comes to those things and you don't tell untruths about someone's death. He might feel badly things were left the way they were, but I don't think that's the way to hurt him. I can't give you suggestions on how to hurt him except with your truthful and honest feelings on the whole situation and that he has made you feel so badly about 'something' you have not done. You can tell him you honestly don't know why he is not communicating with you and it would be the right thing to do, since you've known each other for so many years. Ask him: what happened between us that was so awful that you decided to cut ties with me suddenly? I'm completely in the dark about why you are acting this way. If I've done something or you THINK I've done something to 'wrong' you, you need to let me know and then we can discuss it. At this moment, I have no idea why you refuse to communicate with me. You're the only one who knows the answer to that and it's only fair that you share it with me.

Best regards,
Cher

That story you proposed will not bring you closure.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

YES, I KNOW THAT STORY WOULD NOT BRING CLOSURE. BUT, I HAVE TEXTS AND CALLED IN THE PAST AND ASKED Y WE DON'T SPEAK, WHAT DID I DO WRONG SO I CAN FIX IT. I HAVEN'T GOT ANY RESPONSE. SO ASKING HIM THESE QUESTIONS DO NO GOOD. I GUESS TO ANSWER THEM HE WOULD HAVE TO PULL HIS HEAD OUT OF THE SAND. PLUS, ON HIS F.B. HIS FRIENDS PUT NEW JOKES ABOUT HIS YARD. I WONDER Y HE IS NOT TAKING CARE OF HIS YARD. DO U REALLY THINK HE HAS FEELINGS FOR ME STILL? DO U THINK IF I WENT THERE IN A FEW MONTHS HE WOULD TALK TO ME, DO I SCARE HIM THAT MUCH.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

R U THERE.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

R U STILL UP?

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
But, you see, you keep asking 'what did I do wrong, so I can fix it.' You haven't done anything wrong. He may be under the impression you did something wrong, and that's what you want to know--his 'impression' of what caused him to stop talking to you. When you beg him to tell you what you did wrong so you can fix it, it sounds like you're guilty of some wrongdoing and taking the blame on yourself. You did nothing wrong!

I do think he still has feelings for you, but as I said, he's trying to go on with his normal life and routine and you're 'physically' not part of it at this time, so he just goes along his merry way with his own life. If his friends got him that mad or hurt that he took down their comments about his yard, why are they continuing to insult/embarrass him? That's not nice. Once, it's cute/funny; more than once, it's offensive. Maybe that's on his mind now. You can't know.

I think if you went there in a few months he'd talk to you. I don't see him slamming the door in your face. Do you think he'd really do that?

Warmest regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

SINCE, HE IS AVOIDING ME NOW. I FEEL HE WOULD NOT TALK TO ME TO MY FACE. THAT'S Y I THINK HE WOULD JUST TRY TO SAY GO AWAY. I WOULD FIGHT TO WORK IT OUT. BUT, HE MAY JUST SLAM THE DOOR IN MY FACE. U MAKE A GOOD POINT IF HIS FRIENDS KEEP PUTTING UP THE JOKES ABOUT THE YARD Y IS HE NOT TALKING TO THEM. I'M SURE HE IS BECAUSE, THEY WOULD STOP IT IF THEY FELT IT REALLY BOTHERED HIM. IF THEY THOUGHT THEY WOULDN'T BE FRIENDS ANYMORE. WITH ME IT'S DIFFERENT IF I JUST SHOWED UP AT HIS A FEW MONTHS FROM NOW. IF HE DIDN'T WANT ME THERE HE COULD JUST CALL THE COPS AND TELL ME TO LEAVE HIS HOUSE. TELL ME I NEVER WANT TO SPEAK TO U AGAIN. I FEEL I HAD TO DO SOMETHING WRONG. HE QUIT TALKING TO ME. THAT TELLS ME I DID SOMETHING TO HIM. I FEEL HE HAS NO RESPECT FOR ME BECAUSE, HE KNOWS THIS IS HURTING ME. U DON'T DO THAT TO PEOPLE U CARE FOR.

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
You may be right; you know him better than anyone, but I still think it's worth one try to see him in person and talk this out. I understand why you feel he has no respect for you if he can hurt you like this. The thing is, maybe he doesn't think he's hurting you; he may think he's protecting himself from feelings he doesn't want to deal with, i.e. the sexual stuff.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I'M JUST TRYING TO SAY Y WOULD HE TALK TO ME IN PERSON IF HE WON'T NOW? DOES YOUR GIFT C/SAY GO IN A FEW MONTHS AND TRY? I FIGURE IF I HAVE NO CONTACT WITH HIM FOR AT AT LEAST 2 MONTHS AND C HIM. HE COULDN'T SAY I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO U. BECAUSE THEN, I WOULD SAY. WHAT DID I DO? WE HAVEN'T EVEN SPOKE. I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM MAD. DO U THINK HE WILL HAVE FORGOTTEN OF HIS FAILURE BY THEN, DO U THINK HE HAS LOST ALL RESPECT AND GOOD FEELINGS HE HAD FOR ME. IS IT HARD FOR HIM TO KEEP HIS HEAD BURIED IN THE SAND. MAYBE HE MISSES JUST TALKING TO ME. DO U THINK HE COULD MISS OUR FRIENDSHIP?

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
I agree with your thinking and I think if you go in a few months, without having any contact before then, he can't blame you for anything and you can tell him that. I'd make this one last effort to see him, speak with him and know if you're going to remain friends or not. I do think he misses your friendship but he is not dwelling on it as much as you are, because of who he is and he's an aspie. I do not think he has lost any respect or good feelings for you because you did nothing to deserve that. You need to know for your own peace of mind, why he's refusing to talk to you and what, if anything he's holding against you. It's your right to know. Wait a couple or a few months and go there, if that's what you feel you need to do, unless something happens to change the situation before then.

Steph, I have to sign off for the night now. Please open a new question for me tomorrow and I will be glad to continue our conversation. Thanks! Don't worry so much! : )

Goodnight,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

MY FRIENDSHIP WITH HIM MEANT A LOT TO ME. IF I STAY AWAY FOR 2 MONTHS. WILL HE BE HAPPY I GOT THE POINT AND STAYED AWAY FROM HIM. I DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM ANY LONGER, A.S. PEOPLE R TO DIFFICULT. IF I WAS TO BE HURT BY HIM HE WOULDN'T CARE. IF I CRY IN FRONT OF LOUIE HE FEELS HORRIBLE. I'M STILL PLANNING FOR THE DIVORCE TO GET THE 401k MONEY SO WE HAVE MONEY IN THE BANK AND IN OUR INVESTMENTS. I'M PLANNING ON THE LAWSUIT SETTLING NEXT MONTH AND HAVING THAT MONEY. I WILL TRY MY BEST TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT BETWEEN LOUIE AND I. 20 YEARS IS HARD TO GIVE UP ON. LOUIE SAID HE WOULD REMARRY ME. EVEN IF THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN I STILL WILL PUT SAMUEL FIRST, PERRY IS SOMEONE I DON'T NEED TO DECIDE ABOUT RIGHT NOW. I JUST KNOW THAT HIM HAVING NO EMPATHY WOULD HURT ME SO MUCH. IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS I WILL GO BACK I WILL NOT TALK ABOUT ANYTHING BUT, THAT MY FAMILY AND I R IN TOWN TO LOOK AT AN INVESTMENT CONDO. I FEEL IF HE KNOW I'M THERE WITH MY FAMILY THEN THINGS WILL BE EASILY ON US. U THINK WITH PERRY THAT'S A GOOD START. I WILL TAKE CHLOE AND HIM OUT. BUT, WITH TIME AND MY FAMILY THERE IT TAKES THE STRESS OFF OF HIM. PERRY, WILL BE VERY HAPPY I HAVE MY MONEY. HE WILL LOVE IT IF I SPEND MONEY ON THEM. I FEEL THAT'S THE BEST WAY TO GO ABOUT THIS. I WILL TELL HIM WHILE I'M THERE I'M TRYING TO KEEP MY FAMILY TOGETHER. THAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME. I KNOW I COULD SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH LOUIE. I KNOW HIM. I LOVE HIM. BUT, IF I WAS WITH PERRY FOR THE NET 20 YRS I KNOW IT WOULD DRIVE ME CRAZY. HE WOULD ONLY CARE ABOUT HOW TO AVOID DAILY LIFE. I CAN'T C ME SPENDING 20 YEARS WITH HIM. I WILL GET MY FRIENDSHIP BACK. I WILL FIGHT FOR THAT. MAYBE, WE CAN SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER AND BE LIKE WE USED TO BE. DO U C US BEING FRIENDS AGAIN SOON. DO U AGREE WITH ME ABOUT IT WOULD BE WAY TO HARD ON ME TO BE WITH AN A.S. PERSON? IN ALL THE READINGS I HAVE DONE ON A.S. AND RELATIONSHIPS THEY ALL SAY THEY R VERY DIFFICULT. I NEED SIMPLE IN MY LIFE. LIKE MY OWN DOCTOR SAID, I CAN'T RECOMMEND IT.

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