If my neighbors have all been here about ten years, and we help with neighbor related things and talk when we need to, but do not do things together socially, they are all busy and we have had a few of them over, so have others, not everyone asked back, they don't have company often, one of them I asked to do something socially like we were going to play cards and she did not want to do that. She did not say more, like there were no plans, she did the same with another neighbor. Someone else I knew played bridge and I didn't know how and we were busy and we never kept the relationship up, are these people waiting for other people to be better friends, with them, or waiting for a more solid relationship where they feel favored over someone else and that is cultivated, so there is a "known" underdog or scapegoat in the picture either on purpose or not? I am so familiar with this taking place, and it is so unnecessary, it just causes problems and someone has to leave when they were not that bad and no one's life changes as a result of that. I was afraid they might be waiting for me to be the rejected one, or the lowest one or whatever you want to call it. I have seen people do this and they are used to it and I have seen things go on for many years without that and no one is fully participating until the lowest one is identified then everything is fine. I know there is no purpose to it, but people then give a lot of respect to the ones left in the better position, and everyone respects each other more, they have a reason for it. Is there a way to stop this since before I never needed to participate in that although my situation was that way anyway, I just happened to be accepted and did not pick the one(s) that left,now I want to avoid being rejected...should I establish someone in a weak position with my group, I don't like doing that, I have not played that role. If things are still so loosely defined after all these years is that what it is, that's the only thing I can think of, waiting for that structure to show up with the "weakest" member. But, what can I do? Have I already been rejected, it does not seem that way, yet. Maybe it is and I don't know, but I have talked to them and it does not seem that way. What to do to resolve this?
Or is it that not much effort has been extended, and
the "structure" will show up if nothing is done? Am
I in the weak position knowing I have these questions? The neighbors are well off and popular,
but I think very busy with work, business and kids,
Welcome to the site, and thanks for your question. My name is XXXXX XXXXX X will do whatever I can to try to help you.
You wrote "...are these people waiting for other people to be better friends, with them, or waiting for a more solid relationship where they feel favored over someone else and that is cultivated, so there is a "known" underdog or scapegoat in the picture either on purpose or not?..."
Naturally, we can't answer about what the people you mention are thinking. They would be the only ones who know what's going on in their own minds.
It may be that they don't play cards, they may hvae had other commitments, or they may not have much in common with the other people in the neighborhood other than just living in the same area. In some neighborhoods people just don't socialize outside of just being neighborly. We don't in our neighborhood where we've all lived more than 20 years.
I in the weak position knowing I have these questions? The neighbors are well off and popular, but I think very busy with work, business and kids,
You may have been hurt by others in the past, but that really isn't a reason to assume these people are trying to hurt you.
You note that they are busy folks with the social commitments they already have. That is probably all that is going on. They may not have time or energy to extend their close relationships to others. That casts no reflection on you at all. It's just that no family can be everything to everybody. It sounds like they already have their plates full.
Please let me know what you think.
What are the things I need to do so as not to be the
"underdog" or kind of a "scapegoat" in my relationships?
No one needs to be part of a toxic relationship. When someone treates you as a scapegoat or underdog, it is time to sever ties with that person. You can try telling them how they make you feel to see if they change, but I wouldn't give them too many chances to change their ways. Life is too short to surround yourself with people who don't contribute to your well-being rather than pulling you down.
It's best to concentrate on the few people who are true friends rather than a larger number of acquaintances who don't have your best interests at heart.
Wasn't it S. E. Hinton who said "If you have two friends in your lifetime, you're lucky. If you have one good friend, you're more than lucky."
Quality counts, not quantity.
All the best,