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Michael, Librarian
Category: General
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Experience:  20+ years as information professional
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I have had to say "no" twice in the last week, once to some

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I have had to say "no" twice in the last week, once to some people that invited me out to dinner, and another time to someone that asked me to lend him some money. Why do I feel so bad for saying "no"? How can I master to not feel bad after whenever I have to say "no"? Thank you.
Hello, Thank you for using this service. I wish to introduce myself. I am a Research Librarian with 20+ years of experience.

Mastering the idea of saying "no" is difficult for many of us since we wish to be pleasant and please other people. Many books and articles have been published on this very topic as I am sure you are aware of. Here are some key aspects I was able to research out of much that has been published. A lot has to do with how you go about saying how you feel in a way to not coming off as rude.

1. Say you are busy with other projects and appointments and unable to assist at this moment. Share if possible what you are working on to show how busy you are.

2. Now is not a good time so maybe 're-connect at a later date.

3. Saying "I would like to but" is a gentle way of not wanting to go someplace or help with a project, handout etc. This also is a temporary way of getting out of something without sounding rude.

4. Other ways of saying something without sounding rude can be:

A. Let me think about it and get back to you

B. I am not the best person for this but let me offer a suggestions on others to ask

These sentences are ways to let the person you are speaking with understand as well as yourself feeling good that you communicated with them and not feel bad about yourself.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

On the situations you have given, it is likely that the person will come and ask again, if they are insistent, and I will have to say a clear "no" sooner or later. On the documentary I saw regarding this topic, I learned that basically the root problem to say "no" is that we don't want to offend. I have learned that. So, I guess what I was trying to ask was more so along the lines of that once I say "no", what can I do to make myself feel better afterwards, after I just finished offending someone by telling him/her "no"? Thanks.

Very true that you do not want to offend the person after saying no many times over. Remember some of these key aspects after saying no when the person finally understands that you are not interested at this time:

1. Saying no will tell yourself you are staying true to your priorities as saying yes is not being true to yourself. Saying no simply lets you stay true to your commitments, to things you have already said a yes to.

2. Create an empowering context (deciding on various yes and no questions) for yourself and then simply run your options through it. Say yes only to those which fit in.

3. I am not doing anything wrong by saying no as I am just exercising my right to choose. Tell yourself that saying no is your opinion and your right to do so. This helps you understand becoming a person of integrity (which I am sure you are).

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