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SpecialistMichael
SpecialistMichael, MS, CSCS
Category: General
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Experience:  Senior Information Specialist
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I am 58 years old, My mother will be 80 this year, my Father

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I am 58 years old, My mother will be 80 this year, my Father is deceased, my Son is 34 married with two little boys. My son is very disappointed in me, he states he understands this time about my husband and I not being able to come to visit but he states he can not depend on me. He spent three hundred dollars on tickets to a concert and had to give the tickets away. We were to keep the boys but on Monday night my Uncle passed away and I chose to go to the funeral. I stated that my husband could come take care of them but my son and his wife talked about it and said they would not feel comfortable with leaving the boys with just one person. The 3 month old cries alot from 6 to 8 PM and the 2.5 year old gets a bath and all during this time to get ready for bed. So they chose to give away the tickets. I talked with my son yesterday and he was a little cool to me so I told him I needed him to tell me why he was upset. So he did. He told me that it is not my fault that my uncle passed away and he understood that I needed to go to the funeral but he could never depened on me again when it came to really important things. You see my mother is very demanding and will never say she is. My son resents the fact the I have done things for her in the past. In fact he told me that my priorities are 80% my mother 10% my husband and 10% his family. He told me that I need to get my priorities in order that is why I am reaching out to someone. I really do too much for my mother and always have. This is a lifetime thing with me. I have always been the hero of the family trying to fix things. Now my Dad has passed away and I really feel the burden. My mother has had medical issues, she is not disabled and can do things. I really don't know how to spell this but she has fibryomaglia(?) again all my life she has been very demading person. My 50 year old brother will not even come around any more and my 56 year old sister comes when there is an emergency and lives her own life. I feel I have to be the one to help out. I guess from the past I have put her first over my son and he is not tired of it. I tell my mother we are going to see my son and she will give me trouble over it by saving he is just a baby we haven't let him grow up. So I feel very stressed to even tell her I am going but I see her everyday so I have to tell her. My is a doctor so I don't feel we haven't let him grow up. So anyway Thursday it just brought back all the memories for him about her and he tells me that is why he is telling me all of this now. I hope I am making since. I certainly don't want to put my husband and my only son along with his family 2nd and 3rd in my life. What can I do? I am the one stressing all the time and have gone to my doctor and told her things and she has put me on Prestiqi (?) it seemed to help for awhile but not anymore. I want to be a good mother, wife and daughter how do I manage all three and not make anyone mad?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: General
Expert:  SpecialistMichael replied 1 year ago.
My name isXXXXX am sorry to hear about your difficulties currently.


I will give you an answer based upon being just a bit younger than your son. You are a great parent, and clearly from your descriptions live a self LESS life helping other people and putting your own things on the backburner.

So for your son, at 34, he needs to realize his kids are his responsibility and that with children he just plain has to sacrifice - this is not a burden of yours especially in that you are helping your mother. He needs to realize his priority is being a parent until the children are old enough to stay at home for short nights out. Your adult responsibilities are yours to balance, not his to complain about. He needs to either look into daycare or babysitters or ask his friends to watch them. You are clearly busy and should not need to bend over backwards to accomodate his lack of planning. Explain this to him. He needs to hear it from you - really :) .

As far as your mother, it sounds like you are doing a great job. Its a tough situation with parents because they raised us and by nature we feel we need to help when possible. If this is a personality trait of your mother that you recognized, you cant beat yourself up over it. Despite being stressed over it, you are doing a great job.

When your children make conscious adult choices, its because they feel its the appropriate thing for them to do. While we love our children, we have to let people decide for themselves and take comfort in the fact they are happy with their choices. The best thing to do is actually communicate your feelings briefly, objectively and to the point so that you are comfortable knowing you said what you were feeling, but also so that doesn't become a burden to them.


BotXXXXX XXXXXne, you are doing a great job. It sounds like your brother and son may be a bit selfish(respectfully) but they dont realize that other people (you in this case) are involved and that life is just plain not "ideal" 100 percent of the time.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thank you so much for all the good things said about me, but I don't feel that way. My son is right about my mother and she can be so cruel with her words. No one likes to be downed all the time. Again, she has been th at way all of my life and there is no changing her now.


 


Thanks again for you help.

Expert:  SpecialistMichael replied 1 year ago.
My pleasure.

I'm sorry that because of the things people say, you don't feel more confident about your choices. I think you would agree that many times people are way too selfish and expect everyone else to "help" with issues, problems etc... but as we know thats not the case. Being an adult(whether 34 or 84) comes with responsibilities, both internal and external that need to be managed. Many times, these simple adult responsibilities infringe upon the tasks people want to do and as a result they feel the need to take it out on others. I believe this may be what is happening with your son.

Its tough dealing with people you care about when people don't have the courtesy to actually be polite. A common issue with people lashing out is typically there is something else in the background that they cannot control, or something that went a different way than they wanted. As a result, they inadvertently lash out whether its "upping" the feelings they actually have to be more hurtful or saying something completely ridiculous to get a reaction.

As a person from an outside perspective, you are doing the appropriate things. I think you are fighting a battle that your son has within himself.
SpecialistMichael, MS, CSCS
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 507
Experience: Senior Information Specialist
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