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Martin
Martin, Engineer
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 4026
Experience:  i'm 41 and i never stopped studying and experimenting
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I wish i could just understand how men work, I really need

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I wish i could just understand how men work, I really need a man's opinion on this.
I was dating a man for almost 2 years, we broke up more than once but always got back together. I broke things off with him last year June because I felt that he wasn't ready for the type of commitment I was looking for. He protested and contacted me daily to see me and discuss things. In the end we started seeing each other again, but I said I wanted to see how things go. In October we had an argument and the week's plans didn't pan out as it should have, the result was that we didn't speak much the week and didn't see each other very often. The Saturday I attended an event and he was there as well, although neither of us knew the other person would be there. He was there with a female friend, although he didn't tell me about going with her. When I saw him I felt very betrayed and I ended the relationship without giving him time to explain. I ended contact as well. Since Oct he has made contact every other week and we have had a few emails where he blames me for things not working and I blame him. I have told him to stop contacting me and go on with his life. He said he wants to be on good terms and that is why he keeps contacting me. I have not responded and each time I either ignore him, or if it's an email I don't respond back favorably. Last night I decided to send him a text message, it was something funny someone sent me. He responded right away and sent me a few messages back and then we started talking. We spoke about work and cars and joked around until he said if he had to see me he would kiss me and if I'd allow it. I said yes. Things from there got a bit more heated as the conversation turned from fun into sex. He saying what he would do to me if he saw me and I responded.. It got even more heated when he sent me a picture of him in a towel and I sent one back in underwear, but with little left for the imagination! I feel completely embarrassed today. We used to do this when we were together and we were away from each other due to business. But now I feel so confused. And I'm so disappointed that I didn't hear from him today.. I don't know what I was hoping for.. I still love him and i kept wondering if he was still interested in me because of his continued contact efforts. The thing is that I can understand him not being able to tell me how he felt before, because all his attempts at contacting me was blocked with harsh criticism from me. I tried to move on and get him out of my life, so i didn't want him to contact me anymore. I blocked him from social sites and also from mobile. Is him not contacting me today a sign that last night was just about sex and nothing more? And I just made a complete fool of myself, for thinking it meant something?? Can i change this situation around at all?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: General
Expert:  Martin replied 1 year ago.
Hello and welcome.

Not all men are the same, it is hard to give a complete "manual" to how they work :)

The problem seem to originate in the same classical problem of why men want to be in couple in the first place.

1- Some just don't like to be alone.
2- Some just want a "sex friend"
3- Some just want a replacement mother that will do the cleaning and cook.
4- Some want a life partner and work on a common goal(s)

Only the number 4 lead to durable relationship, all other reason will bring frustration to the other.

You need to reset the whole thing with him and talk about the common goal you both want. He might indeed not be ready to have kid, a house etc... He might also not want that at all in his life.

The way you describe him he sure seem to like you and you also like him. The personalities seem to match, only the common goal seem to be the problem. As the whole thing started with this, all the subsequent problem are irrelevant and should be forgotten. Sure he was with another girl but you also said you will see how things will goes and you initiated all the brake-ups. A guy often think strategy first and need a plan B, she may have been that plan B (it does not mean he was sleeping with her).

If you want to talk in most men language, talk to him logically with a project manager minding. Let the emotions outside of the talk and take the whole thing like a scientist would do. Tell him you want to discuss that logically (so he don't think you are cold all suddenly). Draw a time line about what you would like and the miles stones you want to reach. Once you both have a well planed life plan and good communication, all should be easier to live. Of course nothing goes along to plan (life is a fun adventure) but at least frustration should not be part of it.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Good day Martin,


 


Thank you for your response. I wish I could get to that point with him, but sadly since last night I haven't heard from him again. It's so frustrating.. Since I ended it in October he has continuously tried to contact me.. And after 4 months.. We dive right into phone sex.. It makes me think that's all he wanted. In between us texting, he called me and said he is coming over, just to give me a kiss and leave. I decided no.. Because I didn't want to end up sleeping with him.. He kept asking me please.. And I just said, not tonight. We continues texting.. And then I said goodnight.


I don't know what to do? Do I wait patiently for him to contact me? Isn't it a clear sign that he is not interested.. Otherwise he would have contacted me today? If he contacts me for sex, how do I change it around?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Good day Martin,


 


Thank you for your response. I wish I could get to that point with him, but sadly since last night I haven't heard from him again. It's so frustrating.. Since I ended it in October he has continuously tried to contact me.. And after 4 months.. We dive right into phone sex.. It makes me think that's all he wanted. In between us texting, he called me and said he is coming over, just to give me a kiss and leave. I decided no.. Because I didn't want to end up sleeping with him.. He kept asking me please.. And I just said, not tonight. We continued texting.. And then I said goodnight.


I don't know what to do? Do I wait patiently for him to contact me? Isn't it a clear sign that he is not interested.. Otherwise he would have contacted me today? If he contacts me for sex, how do I change it around?

Expert:  Martin replied 1 year ago.
Like i mentioned you need to "virtually" travel back in time and reset the whole thing from the moment it started to not be good for you (when you suspected he was not ready).

Go to him, talk to him about the whole thing. Let your ego out of the equation, it is not about who win or lose. He may still be interested, you just sent so much inconclusive signals that he probably don't understand you either :)

Decide on a goal right away on your next encounter (not a we eventually need to talk about it, right it right now). Make sure with him that you mean it for real this time, it is the last chance. It is not as obvious as it was before to find common goals. The society is now made that you can replace anything with money, making couples merely a hobby. It can be an enterprise, a family anything that will make you need each other for the success of the goal. Just being together and going along in life is not enough, it always fail along the road.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you, It makes sense what you saying.


I think I'm confused over the sexual content after 4 months of anger and blaming. And then no contact from him.. I still haven't heard from him.


I can't understand it..


He also didn't say he misses me.. he did however say how much he missed what we did sexually... He didn't suggest we get back together.. He just told me that he thinks i'm beautiful, hot body.. and things that were very sexual.. I don't understand it, at all.. And I feel terrible for "chatting along"..

Expert:  Martin replied 1 year ago.
Then he may belong to the second caterory i mentioned:
2- Some just want a "sex friend"

He don't seem to be in the category #1 (unless he got another girl friend really fast) or he would call to get back with you.

For the category #3, you would be the judge of that. Usually if he is you would feel he was taking advantage of you on a bunch of little things.

You seem to belong yourself to category #4.

See him in person, talk to him seriously. Ask him directly what he want, tell him directly what you want. Men have lot of faults but most of them are very direct (when they decide not to lie) and you will be surprised how thing get simpler with them when you don't beat around the bush.
Martin, Engineer
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 4026
Experience: i'm 41 and i never stopped studying and experimenting
Martin and 116 other General Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi,


I actually don't understand it at all. I have not heard from him again since Wednesday.. For 4 months he contacted me regularly and didn't want to give up wanting to be on good terms (his words). Then Wednesday happens.. and since then he has NOT contacted me.


 


So i'm left feeling miserable, like we just ended the relationship and 4 months of trying to move on has just been for nothing.


 


If he does contact me again, is there anything I can say? Is this not unacceptable that he hasn't contacted me for a week? This after what happened? What can I say when he contacts me again. Because to be honest, i feel like never speaking to him again!

Expert:  Martin replied 1 year ago.
Every body want to break up on "good term". Nobody want to have an enemy wandering around that may tell secrets or lie about him out of vengeance.

Do you have physical access to him? Can't you meet him in person (without telling him in advance). Going to his home is no good as he can pretend he is not there.

It is hard to tell what is going on in his head, is he well positioned in a plan B with another girl? Does he just want to let you wait/think and make sure YOU are ready for the relation? The only way to know is by going in person in front of him. You can't know anything from a phone call. If he call, tell him right away that you want to meet him.

If you want to move on already, this is your choice. You also have to trust your initial judgment that he was not ready for what you wanted in life. Unless you decided that the expectation were unrealistic, and if such is the case this need to be expressed to him as the cause of all the mess. When you run into a man 80% perfect to your wishes, take the shot because higher than this is nearly impossible :)
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you Martin,


 


I appreciate your emails. It is true what you say, I have no idea what is going on in his head. I thought by his attempts to communicate and trying hard to contact me.. it meant something. After Wednesday evening, he knows how I feel and the fact that he has stayed away.. with zero communication for a week is too much for me. This week has been more painful than the first time we broke up. I have had no sleep and can't work.


I can't believe a man that loves you, will do this to me. So I have decided to move on and if I ever hear from him again. I'm going to tell him why I've moved on.


Thanks again for the help.

Expert:  Martin replied 1 year ago.
Sometime moving on is the best. On your next relation, try to make it clear what you want from the very start, in a quite detailed way and counterbalance that with all the things you can cut the guy some slack. Ask the same from that new person. Such informal behavior and goal "contract" initially remove lot of troubles down the road.

I hope you find new love and a bit of sleep after all this :).

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