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SpecialistMichael
SpecialistMichael, MS, CSCS
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 507
Experience:  Senior Information Specialist
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I want to learn how to make something out of my life i.e. to

Customer Question

I want to learn how to make something out of my life i.e. to know how to have a social life and how to get involved in activities, make good friends and not remain at home most nights on my laptop.

In my area, clubbing and bar hopping is what most people engage in. Not my scene.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: General
Expert:  SpecialistMichael replied 1 year ago.
My name is XXXXX XXXXX you for your question.

I think it's of primary importance to actually take the first step in getting away from the home, seeking external exposure to various people. Friendships, relationships, and hobbies/enjoyment type activities are only found through effort combined with trial and error. That first step, even if it is slightly uncomfortable

It's important to figure out what you think you may like, since we already know what you don't like. A list of things to try, or places to go and see are

Making something out of one's life, comes from a combination of intrinsic satisfaction as well as the satisfaction of that person's "list" and I use the word "list" lightly because not everyone has some large list of things they feel they need to do. For most people it is involvement in the community, development of a few hobbies, time with family or friends or a selfless community thing.

You have to take that first step, whether that is a literal step(into a new situation) or a figurative step(such as figuring out your "things" to do) you have to at least get it started with it.

Why don't you start by doing this.

Sit and relax with a clear mind with a pen and paper. Make a list of the things you want to try to see, do and experience. Use a 1 to 5 scale or 1 to 10 scale of importance and number them with a realistic value assignment. Then you can you begin to assign short term goals of getting them done, perhaps starting with 1 day a week to do or start one of them.

As with building new friendships, I am fortunate enough to be successful in helping my friends start new relationships and friendships. It is as simple as literally just talking to someone, perhaps about something you notice, giving a compliment or receiving one and reciprocating, or even picking something out of the blue that you notice or like(if someone is walking a dog, or has nice hair or a suit/dress on) and starting a conversation about it. My friends always say "well what if person X doesn't respond how I hope?" - my response is: if they aren't as personable as you are trying to be, you never have to talk to them again. Each person you talk to will eventually make you more comfortable in exchanges, and that in turn can develop into friendships. It sounds silly but to even start a relationship you have to communicate. If you aren't comfortable communicating, then you just need a bit of practice.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

My job involves talking and communicating many times over therefore striking conversation is not a problem. I simply find the people I've spoken with have not been conducive to talk with me for whatever reasons e.g.preconceived judgements and prejudices, competitiveness, threatened, complexes,etc.


I have gone to places like workout classes, makeup courses, church events and what I find is that people chat for the time you're there but it's rather superficial. I am used to making friendships with meaning due to being a diplomat's daughter and moving from one place to another at least once every few years.


The most meaningful may be with men who want to know me due to attraction. Other than that, even though I try to be a friend, many find something wrong/don't want to talk anymore.

Expert:  SpecialistMichael replied 1 year ago.

Thank you for the reply.

I think part of the problem may be the arena as you state the people may be the issue, it might actually just be the situation. The other thing to consider is some people are just plain not personable. Some people keep their guard up for a long time when meeting new people, and many people instantly assume things(whether correct or incorrect) about new people simply because its easier for them to label.

I will give an example from this past week. I operate a small business in the automotive appearance trade. A great customer of mine, who I have started a friendship(we will call him A) with brought in a friend of his(we can call him B) because we were to quote and restore a vehicle of his. Now after talking with A and (I thought) B for a few minutes, B had to leave, and A was leaving to. I basically said great to see you again to A and expressed my gratitude for his business to B, said "it was great to meet you" - B's response: "OK". He literally said "OK", as I told him it was nice to meet him.

So its pretty clear to me that the world really isn't a high percentage place for great friendships sometimes, its just too far out of the realm of personal comfort of heck, even in some cases, simple etiquette to reciprocate.

I grew up with a lot of female friends myself, I never had an issue with being friends with some of the women that were initially attracted to me. Though with men, those who may not be secure in themselves, that may be an issue(not with you, with them) in that they are perfectly fine giving up a good relationship of friendship if the other person isn't showing that same attraction.

What about taking something from a workout class a step further. Maybe after a class, see if one of the ladies in the class wants to partner up for weight training on a separate day of the week. It would benefit both of you for keeping schedules as well as extra work involved.

Another thing is, if you find an opening, just see if someone wants to grab lunch. I really don't think its anything with you, though I think its just the arena you are in and the fact that some people stay IN the comfort(like you are doing) until they have a reason to open up a bit.

I am an exercise physiologist by formal education, spent a lot of time in sports and human nutrition and at one point, developed major friendships in my early college years with the guys I used to train with and eat with. It made things much easier knowing we were all on the same page - but of course aside from a few of us, not everyone was comfortable enough to just say "lets go here, a group of males, and get dinner" - everyone would just say "lets get food" because they weren't comfortable enough to change it or even bring it up - though of course they joined in and we ate and trained together. It was a major comfort issue, and until someone showed everyone else it was ok, everyone was a bit hesitant to say something until the ice was broken.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I know it's the arena since I'm a friendly person. A number of men like me since I smile a lot, my eyes apparently brighten up when I see people and I'm nice. I'm not complicated and straight. I have very few girlfriends and the ones who do remain friends are usually confident in themselves.

Expert:  SpecialistMichael replied 1 year ago.
Exactly. So you too understand this first hand. I think its pretty clear that your female friends who have self confidence are those who are comfortable in you, and more importantly comfortable in themselves that even with small disagreements or intense conversations, it never becomes an issue of questioning the friendship because its just a situation, not representative of the relationship.

With males, its different, especially those who may not have self confidence. Those that you state are first interested in you are probably so because of your personality and your looks combination but with insecure males, a lot of them want validation that they are a good "mate". An attractive female with a great personality would, assuming they could hold a relationship(whether friendship or more) ends up being what a lot of males look for, and when turned down or away(because a woman is married or in a relationship already OR is otherwise not attracted) they really don't know how to "friendzone" a female.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

On the subject of friendzoning and self validation with men. I am married and overall happy - we are tweaking some things in the sex department. There has been a man at work with me who is no way impulsive and seemingly been attracted to me since I started working there. I recall looking up in his direction (not thinking cute/hot/not), he got a glance and for the majority of the year has tried indirect/behavioral assertiveness to 'be close.' For the first 6 months, I was friendly to a limited degree. Then recently, we were in a group and he came over to talk with the guy behind me. He obviously brought up an issue related to my field and the story was pretty much directed at me. I smiled and then laughed at that. From there onwards, he has tried to find ways to talk with me without disrespecting a 'married woman.' In other words, calling my pager (whereas he usually gets junior staff members to do so), trying to find a means to catch my attention, eg staring, standing in clear view of me to get me noticing, coming right next to me when all the other computers are somewhat available but mine is obviously the only one to use...


 


I've kept all our conversations work related and so has he. However can one friendzone this kind of male?!!

Expert:  SpecialistMichael replied 1 year ago.
Well, chances are he gets the clue, especially if he is aware you are married. He more than likely already aware he has been coworker"zoned" and friendzoned. What he is doing now is just his attempts to self-validate or in some other way make efforts

Often times you will see people do things for themselves. For example, he wants to know he maximized any chance of you becoming interested in him simply for himself. There is a slight chance he is just plain assertive and doesn't otherwise care. Its tough to tell though from being on the computer but there are many people who simply disregard a person's other relationship, be that boyfriend or husband, and try to focus on the other person, despite it being inappropriate.

Keep doing what you are doing - he gets it, he knows he is friend/coworkerzoned.

Please take a moment and rate my answers positively when you return.
SpecialistMichael, MS, CSCS
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 507
Experience: Senior Information Specialist
SpecialistMichael and 112 other General Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  SpecialistMichael replied 1 year ago.
Hello again its Mike - I just wanted to check in with you and see if you had some more question for me or anything I could help you out with. Let me know how I can be of further assistance. I hope all is well.

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