Thanks for your response.
In terms of my state of mind, I waiver from being strong one day to feeling overwhelmed the next. That is happening to me on all levels, mental, physical, and emotional. Whenever I get a letter or information that reminds me of what may be inevitable, it upsets me; I am not a robot.
In terms of my sons, I was the most loving and giving mother. I sacrificed a lot for them, and if I had to do it again, I would. I worked full-time when they were little and the minute I got home, all my attention went towards them, creating a growing chasm between my husband and I. I am not saying that it was good or bad, that is just what happened. I wish it didn't turn out to be that way, but it did.
The dynamics in our family are unusual. I don't want to get into so much detail, but the Regional Center provides services for children who are Autistic, even high functioning ones. The Center pays for a person who helps us with taking care of our sons. The problem is that this person is a friend of my husbands's from the time they were at UCLA.
When I first met him, he rubbed me the wrong way. In fact, he was not even there at our wedding. When we purchased our duplex, he moved into the lower unit. After work, my husband, would go to his place and talk about his day with him before he spoke with me. I was upset. I wanted to move away from him so that he would not be in our daily lives. I told my husband that I did not want to live in the duplex and we started looking for a house.
His friend never graduated, worked in the entertainment industry, got let go, tried writing, but really has nothing to show, for all the years. His father would give him a check every month. I don't respect the fact that his father had to help support him.
We had different helpers come and go, but, I guess my husband talked to him about was going on, and he said he would be happy to help. I really had no choice about this because I had to work full time and I was desperate for help.
Over the years, my husband treated him for dinner once a week. At first, it was okay, especially when the boys were younger. Now, it makes me sick that a 60 year old expects for us to treat him for dinner on a weekly basis. My husband is cheap when he goes to the market, and could buy a better quality of food, but with his friend, he is not. His friend also rents an apartment in our duplex and has been paying rent at a much lower rate than what we could be getting. My husband says that he takes care of the place and it is worth it. I have tried to stay out of it.
What my husband doesn't see, is how he has meddled into our lives and is a permanent fixture in our home. He has the keys, he does what he wants in the kitchen and acts as if our duplex is his duplex. I have told my husband and his friend that they have no boundaries and some things are meant to be kept private. This guy would hang around the house for hours because he was never married, had no kids, and is alone.
They have gone up to San Francisco many times. My husband does not give me any attention and he is cold towards me. Why should I be subjected to this kind of behavior? I rather be alone than be with them. Yes, this is painful, and as you can see, I have made many sacrifices for my children, as has my husband.
My husband's friend has been a part of my household for ten years. He connects to the boys, but when I was working 12 hour days, he took over my position as "mother" and "wife" in the household. They would confer about things and I was just told what was going on. It was very stressful raising my sons, working with unruly kids, being in a household with 4 controlling, dominating men, having some principals who were harassing me, despite being the hardest working teacher at school, and may I say, the best.
So, when you say, why do you sound like they are against me, well that is how it was. Now, because I am forced to be home more than at work, the tables are turning and I am fighting to regain my place and position in the household. This has not been an easy thing to do.
As a result of being under constant stress, I developed hypothyroidism, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes type 2, depression,etc. I was hospitalized with pneumonia, was addicted to anti-anxiety medication, was hospitalized because I had a pancreatic attack after my second pregnancy, went to rehab, and have been struggling with my weight. I am no longer the person I once was.
I had begun to lose weight, take less meds, and started feeling pretty good about myself when I was finishing up the coursed in my EdD program, when all this came crashing down on me. I know that this was a wake-up call, but this has has shaken me up to the core. Then, my father got really sick and had three surgeries within three months' time. He is now doing better.
I am under a lot of anxiety since I have been pulled out from the classroom. I have learned a lot and do research whenever I can. I do and not want this situation to give me a heart attack. I am also going through perimenopause and it is not fun.
My husband and our aide would travel to San Francisco with the boys. I could not deal with the stress. My oldest has terrible table manners and just being around my husband is stressful enough. I would stay home, clean the house and work on my doctoral program. I needed the peace and quiet and was content to have my home clean. I am tired of cleaning up after everyone.
My youngest loves the aide, and showers him with all the love and affection he has, whereas I get called "Sigi" from my son. My husband and his friend would talk shit about me even within my own home. I had to put a stop to this abuse and I had to fight for my rights as a mother and wife of the household.
I told them that if they want to talk about me, they had to do it outside the house and to stop bad mouthing me in front of my children. My husband was very mean to me and my kids modeled his behavior. The aide would say things that were very inappropriate to me and my husband did not side with me. Part of the problem is that my husband is hard of hearing, and when you age, the hearing loss gets worse.
My husband shows no love or affection towards me, I think he is high functioning autistic, but was never diagnosed. I am his second wife; his first wife left him after 8 months. My husband treats me like an employee and his interest in staying in the marriage is a financial one. I am okay with the fact that he can never change, but I insist that he treats me with respect. If he does not love me, that is okay, too. I just want him to leave me alone.
It has been difficult to have even gotten this far. I feel that I have two husbands who are judgmental and critical of me. Now, that my sons are 20 and 16, they take their father's side on everything. My sons when they were little, were attached to me like glue. For ten years I could not leave the house, because they wanted me to be around the entire time. Well, ten years is a long time, and the person who I used to be, started changing. I felt like I too, did not want much of a social life because my husband is not generous to me and would stress me out so much when we invited people over. He fought with me about every thing. I got to the point where I said to myself, I want a peaceful household more than anything else, so I gave up a lot of who I was so that my children's needs, as well as my husband's came first.
The union does nothing to help teachers. They offer help when you are on the way out. This is too late. The union and the district and the district sleep in the same bed and they are only interested in keeping their own jobs. Teachers are treated like crap and live in fear. No one is willing to put their necks out on the line. Job security is a thing in the past, and the district can get 2 teachers for the price of one. Well, when I worked in the classroom, I worked for two.
I have always tried to be kind to others, in fact, I probably was too kind. I always had the best interest in mind towards family, friends, colleagues and students. When your entire reality is removed from your existence, you do begin to question, why me, why now?
I am trying to get meaning of what all that has taken place and I know that this is part of God's plan and design. The chances of all these events to come together the way they have, is unique. I am trying to make these obstacles into challenges that will be overcome. This takes a lot of energy.
I am going to be prepared, I will have my statement ready, and I will come into the meeting and take out all of my files, computer, iphone, etc. just to make an effect. All I want for these people to see, is that I mean business and I will not allow them to treat me like a punching bag. If they still want to dismiss me, than I will tell them, to not call me when there are not enough irreplaceable and high quality teachers for the students.
My eldest is majoring in Mathematics and History at UCLA and is writing his Honor's Senior Thesis with Dr. Mary Yeager, who is married to the actor, XXXXX XXXXXthgow. He has been working on a project since he was 10 years old. He is writing a seven book novel about a fantasy world that is based on the principles of Math and Physics. He has gotten a lot of positive feedback and has immersed himself in this project.
My younger son, who is taking 4 AP classes is involved in a computer game with other kids who live all over the world. He did some voice over acting and helped with refining some of the visuals. The game has come out for PC's and he is waiting for the Mac version. He said that they are going to do some testing for the game. He doesn't tell me too much about it. Sammy is also in a gaming club, chess club, and robotics club at school. He doesn't study and does the minimum with his schoolwork. My husband and I did well in school, and we were competitive. Sammy is not that competitive, and if he just studied, he would ace everything. His mind is on these computer and video games.
I am proud of my sons and they are basically good kids. I guess my expectations are too high. Being a woman is difficult, because your hormones can get the best of you.
I just want for things to work out and I will not tolerate being bullied
anymore. I want to protect myself and my family from harm's way.