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Norman M.
Norman M., Researcher, Lecturer and Psychotherapist
Category: General
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Experience:  ADHP(NC), ECP and UKCP Registered.
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I dont understand why I keep lying to my husband...i love him

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I dont understand why I keep lying to my husband...i love him with all of my heart and I have been through many many things until I met him...please help me. He cant take it much longer and I dont want to lose ihime
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: General
Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.

We humans only indulge in behavior that brings reward of some kind. Only when that reward (whatever it might be) disappears, or the consequences of our behavior promise to be unpleasant do we consider changing what we do. Continuing this behavior might well in the end ruin your relationship completely, so you have a choice to make. You lie basically because you get a reward out of it. Now that reward could be almost anything – I don’t know what the reward might be in your case, but YOU probably do. Is it about looking better to him, about making sure he does not find out about things you have done or what. The first step is to be honest with yourself and find out what your motivation actually is. However, at the root of things, you lie either because you get something out of it or avoid negative consequences by doing so. I believe that much of this behavior stems from a very low self esteem, that is forcing you to try to appear ‘better’ to others – kinder, cleverer, more competent and so on. You can be truthful - if you are prepared to accept and deal with the consequences, and that is what you need to be aiming towards. In your case, you have to make a choice – and I think you have done that. The possible consequences may frighten you, but they are almost certainly not as bad as what will happen if you keep lying. I think that you are going to need some Expert help to solve this, and for that reason, I’m going to suggest that you would benefit greatly from a course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is a form of therapy that addresses problems in a direct and targeted way and is brief compared with most other therapies. CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also cause the behavior and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions. These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short. If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted, the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful. The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful. Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking. Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change. Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement. Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT: http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/treatments/cbt.aspx If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are good free CBT based self-help resources here: http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/cbtstep1.htm Also, there is a book called ”Feeling good - the new mood therapy” by Dr. David Burns. It has a hand book which gives you practical exercises to work through and further instructions on how to better use CBT. I really do recommend it. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies By Rhena Branch, Rob Willson is also pretty good.

Norman M., Researcher, Lecturer and Psychotherapist
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 2536
Experience: ADHP(NC), ECP and UKCP Registered.
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