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Cher
Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
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why do i feel that i should call when i dont hear from him,

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why do i feel that i should call when i don't hear from him, i start t think that there is another person in his life keeping his mind preoccupied
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: General
Expert:  Cher replied 2 years ago.
Hello, and welcome back to Just Answer.

I don't feel that there is another person in his life or keeping his mind preoccupied. I think because he is so busy with work he doesn't have time for a new relationship at this time. I think it would be best (although I understand you're still hurting from the break up) that if you don't hear from him, you should not call. Try to get him off your mind and keep yourself busy. While I understand that this break up was quite devastating and shattering to you, you'll heal in time--it does take time--and now, the 'wound' is so fresh.

If you involve yourself in activities and with friends, you will think of him less. He is too busy to give you what you need, and the old 'let's remain friends' is too painful and just a line for him to not feel guilty and make you feel better. Not that you did anything to cause the break up. He needs to be by himself for now and if work is so hectic, he's throwing himself into that, full force, and has no time for socialization. You, on the other hand, need to be more involved and loving with your man (whoever he might be in the future); a good work ethic is fine, but to work to the exclusion of your significant other is not a good situation.

You've done nothing wrong and this situation is going to take a while for you to get over. It will continue to hurt for a while, but busying yourself in many different ways, will help. You don't have to 'forget' him and the good times you had, but at this point, you need to face the reality that you need to move on and when you are ready, you will.

When you feel you should call him when you don't hear from him, stop and think about 'why'? Will you feel better after talking to him or will you feel worse? Because you are no longer together, you will most likely feel worse, so why do that to yourself?

You need to make YOU number one, right now. Do what's right for YOU and what makes YOU happy. You have an opportunity to start over, and make every moment count in a 'new' life. You can do it because I feel you are strong enough to do it and little by little, you will start feeling better about yourself and your life, and as a very learned person once said to me: "This too, shall pass".

I wish you nothing but the best! Stay strong!

If you have any additional questions or concerns, please click 'Reply to Expert' before rating, and I will be happy to continue our conversation.
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Best regards,
Cher

Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 18720
Experience: M.A., B.A., Author, Senior Informational Specialist
Cher and 104 other General Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
it may be true, last night we talked for over an hour about many things such as our relationship and his and my behavior or actions, we went over the same things we talked to in person. he has relocated. this has been very hard for me because i still have love for him. its weird its unconditional after the decision he made in regards XXXXX XXXXX one thing he explain was this was one of the reasons he made the choice, to not continue in this relationship he was not happy- i feel that i made him happy- and theres are things that relationship go through needs to be worked on and he said, but i don't know that that is why i choose to leave and separate, he became a little frustrated and said its his life what did i wanted him to do still be un happy, while you were ok with the way things were between us, i told him you did not share this things with me when you were going through this.. i was not aware even if i knew or seems wrong i always came to you to talk and say if you were okay , if is this is not what you want just tell me...he said how could he if he did not know what he was going through he had nothing to compare this too meaning any other serious relationship not see it going to a good place and could not see see future based on how our communication.
I've been very understanding with him us- accepting on how he has been with me.. there where time he behave in a way that was uncaring to my feelings or how i viewed things wAs not respectful at times,through arguments or discussions he view things so to him for what i understand - that is communications issues.. etc..

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
,he basically said he was mot happy and his feelings changed, he said its him i did nothing wrong it seems that what men say..fr what ape rant reason
Expert:  Cher replied 2 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks for your reply with additional and helpful information.

I'm very sorry for the anguish you're going through.

Yes, I agree, you were very open in your communications with him, but he was not as open and that's why you couldn't understand why he was leaving. Some men (and women) are like that--they have trouble expressing their true feelings and also, I'm sure he didn't want to hurt you. You are correct--very often a man will say 'it's me, not you' when a break up occurs, again, to spare your feelings.

It sounds like he has a lot to sort out in his own life and he needs to learn how to how to communicate better, with women.

Sometimes people just grow apart and what originally attracted them to each other begins to fade. It's definitely not anything you did or said, it is he who has changed and decided he wasn't happy with the situation, not particularly with you, but he wanted to change the situation and move on.

Slowly but surely, you will find this more easy to accept, but the most important thing is to know that you did nothing wrong; karma just has a different plan for you and you will find your path to happiness and along that path, you will be happy in the future with another man. This has been a learning experience for you and that's what life is made up of--many learning experiences; that's what gets you through.

You will get through this by believing in yourself and staying strong. Surround yourself with family and friends and start doing things that make you happy.

If you have any additional questions or concerns, please click 'Reply to Expert' before rating, and I will be happy to continue our conversation.

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My only goal is your happiness and satisfaction!

Best regards,
Cher
Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 18720
Experience: M.A., B.A., Author, Senior Informational Specialist
Cher and 104 other General Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I feel that I should not be in contact with him to give my time - to me - the issue is I work for his Busness he has relocated but still has his busnes partner run the rest..I relocates due to this relationship and financial matters better opportunity
I don't want to ignore his calls I'm not his kind of person I feel that I need to for me .. Then when he contacts me I second doubt should I respond or not -if I dont what will he think of me -that I don't care etc - I need to heal and get over him move on with my life -he tells me his not ready to move on - in regards XXXXX XXXXX etc. I see he is I told him - them he says I have not dealt with his etc I feel he has when he was still here debating and deciding about this choice of relocating etc..
What to do? I have this feeling when I think if he truly loves me or says I'm the most precious thing to him how can someone just get on a plane and leave.. I would not be able to do such a thing - if feelings change as he states why tell me diffent - these are the thiga make doubt through out our relationship honesty Integrty - I feel lied or played with my emotions - I don't want to answer his calls really nOt have any contact what so ever I want to be at peace with my mind and heart - I can't even think of the thought of him with another person - In any way I know eventually it will happen - as for me I want to give myself time to date - need me time - cry myself to sleep or tears come out - all is confusing hard to accept I know it's just a matte of time I've never loved this way before.. First time I trully trust open Ly - it's unbareable the anguish feeling I get when I think of me and my life at this time it's sad . Confused that if I do t answer he would think I dont care .. My respond to self is he made a choice -why can't I bceouse of what I feel.. I need to get rid of this emotion feelings of lOve I have for him -I don't have peace within myself when I think of him
Expert:  Cher replied 2 years ago.
Hello again, Jasmine.

I wanted you to know that I received your reply and I am working on your answer now.

Thank you for your patience.

Regard,
Cher
Expert:  Cher replied 2 years ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

I'm so sorry you feel so sad, but under the circumstances, this is to be expected. The fact that you work for his business and you relocated for him and for the better financial opportunity hurts even more, now that he has left. However, you still need to support yourself, so you must stay on at the business for the time being, but it might be a good idea to start looking around for available positions in your field, so you don't have to face the dilemma and emotions of speaking to him at work.

It sounds like he is having as much trouble dealing with this situation and adjusting to it, as you are, but he did make the decision to make the move. If this was your first relationship of it's kind, you will have many more before you settle down with 'Mr. Right'.

What he did was really not nice, considering you relocated for him, but you'll need to make the most of a difficult situation. Try not to speak to him at work, unless you really have to and try to think of this as a new beginning and a re-start to your romantic life. Of course, you will need to take time to get over him, and it will not be easy, but you must try to move the course of your life in different directions to distract yourself.

Write a letter which you will NOT mail to him, telling him how hurt you feel and why you think you should have stayed together and why he should not have left. Tell him you're angry that he hurt you this much. This will make you feel better, but it's for your eyes only, and to be put in a place where no one will ever find it, or destroy it after you write it and have read it a few times. It will help you feel better.

I hope you will start feeling better about things, as soon as you possibly can, but definitely take 'me time' to treat yourself well.

If you have any additional questions or concerns, please click 'Reply to Expert' before rating, and I will be happy to continue our conversation.

IMPORTANT: If you found my answer helpful, please choose a positive rating like this one Laughing for 'Excellent Service', so I may receive credit for assisting you.

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My only goal is your happiness and satisfaction!

Best regards,
Cher
Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 18720
Experience: M.A., B.A., Author, Senior Informational Specialist
Cher and 104 other General Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Cher replied 2 years ago.
Hi Jasmine,

I'm just following up with you to see how everything is going. Have you spoken to him recently? If so, how did it go? If not, how are you feeling today?

Please let me know how you're doing.

Best regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

hi ... im a little confused on what to do .. its been 4 days i have not spoken to m ex.. how birthday is XXXXX 2 hours his tried calling me.. i have not responded .. not to teach a lesson i just know what to say... and the point of us in contact.. its not easy for me at least..


should i text him back or call or email and wish him a happy birthday.. out of politeness i feel i should i don't want him to get the idea that i will continue being in contact.. I'm moving on with my life .. and my emotions


its really hard ,.. o have not written sent a letter to him , that he is aware of since the day he left.. i said to him i choose not to send to you.. its best this way. he said i should still send it.


 


any how i was going to I'm not sure...


so what is the best advice to do in this case on his birthday?

Expert:  Cher replied 2 years ago.

Hi again, Jasmine and thanks for your reply.

I feel it would be appropriate to either text or email a Happy Birthday message to him and if he responds with 'thank you', just leave it at that.

Since he has caused you so much anguish and emotional distress, I feel you are wise to not want to communicate with him any longer and very wise to want to move on with your life. You are very sensible and brave in the face of adversity and you are to be commended! You are handling a very difficult situation in a mature and appropriate manner. Stay strong!

So, acknowledge his birthday, but don't allow it to be a 'gateway' to start talking again. You stated that this is not what you want, and I think you are right to feel this way.

 

If you have any additional questions or concerns, please click 'Reply to Expert' before rating, and I will be happy to continue our conversation.

IMPORTANT: If you found my answer helpful, please choose a positive rating like this one Laughing for 'Excellent Service', so I may receive credit for assisting you.

Best regards,
Cher

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

hello cher.. just wanted to inform you.. that thank you for all..


I'm doing everything i can not being in contact with my ex, he seems to still try to text me to see how I'm doing or to say good shabbath,etc.


I responded today the same and I'm good, i did not encourage to see how his doing do you think it was wrong? its not that it does not matter to me I just really want to move on with my life. hell text random before i would be oh his texting, but now its like - huh? or ok to be quiet honest i don't feel that i should respond on the next text.. i don't want to sound bitter towards him,upset, uncaring- lately I've been feeling that his contact with me is not a priority, he made a choice, I do not want to be friends with him it would be nice, his a good person- realize I can't be friends with him- not now not ever- overall I've lost my respect or view of him as a man or person, due to his actions or how he went about this whole situation- perhaps I'm wrong- I'm not here to make it right or wrong I'm the kind of woman that an ex is an ex- even if he was a special person in my life at one point- or will always be- i don't need to share that with him-I have no desire, the truth is I feel disrespected by him in a degree, or walked over. I have my standards now, I always have just when i was with him - my unconditional love did not allow me to see my true person. I viewed us as a partnership rather than remembering our individuality. i thought that is what couples do?


when i think of what our life is like now.. I sense his meet people, I meet a few people but I'm not interested in any type of relationship I'm very skeptical, about being a true person to any one. i don't want to approach to mushy mushy or peruse any man at this point- i can say ohh wow his attractive, i feel like what is there in common, realize I'm meeting younger men and I'm not into that at the moment perhap fun .. that is all. i can't even think of being involved in any degree "only friendship"


 


I'm going to see a psychologist this next week. just to give myself a bit more support.


 


what should i do about being in contact?

Expert:  Cher replied 2 years ago.
Hi again, Jasmine and thanks very much for your reply. Also, thanks for your patience, as I was offline at the time you posted back.

It sounds like you're basically doing alright, and I agree with your thinking regarding not being friends. I feel that the two of you, after what he did to you, cannot be friends, and it's just too difficult for you, as you said. I don't feel he deserves you as a friend.

I'm so glad to hear that you're going to see a psychologist next week, to provide more support for yourself; thats a very wise move! It will help you tremendously.

Regarding the contact, I feel you have a choice to either not answer his texts or calls at all, and not return any contact you may receive from him and/or you can tell him outright, that you feel what he did to you was very thoughtless, uncaring, and lowered your respect for him. You have no desire to be friends with him at this point, because after what you two had, you can't 'backtrack' to being friends, and you can wish him a happy life, but would prefer if he didn't contact you again.

If you feel those words are too strong and you wouldn't mind hearing from him once in a while, you can tell him that you're really not interested in being in contact with him on a steady basis and if you speak once in a while, it will suffice.

This might hurt his feelings, but he hurt you much more and he doesn't deserve to have the honor of your company and speaking to you anymore. He lost that honor/privilege when he left you and especially in the way that he did.

I feel you have a very smart and healthy attitude about not caring to start dating anyone right now and giving yourself a period of time to get your socal life back on track. When you feel you're ready to begin looking for a man who shares your ideals and ideas and with whom you feel comfortable, you will put yourself out there and start dating again.

Right now, having friends and going out in groups to do activities you like, is just fine for the time being. You can't push yourself into another serious partnership again, too quickly. You need time to heal and not concentrate on anyone but yourself and your happiness.

I feel that the contact with your ex will start to dwindle as time goes by, and you will both lose interest in remaining in communication with each other. You don't have to communicate with him if you don't want to, so if you feel comfortable with it, tell him what I suggested above, and you'll end the contact right then.

I think under the circumstances, you are doing very well. It is a difficult thing to go through and I think you're exhibiting great strength and intelligence. Karma is on your side and when you're ready to start dating, you will meet someone who understands your needs and treats you the way you deserve to be treated!

 

IMPORTANT: If you found my answer helpful, please choose a positive rating like this one Laughing for 'Excellent Service', as that is the only way I am credited for assisting you.

If you should experience any problem with the ratings system, please reply back to let me know and I will have it taken care of for you.

 

Please feel free to request me for future questions by beginning your question with 'FOR CHER'. Thanks!


Best regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello again not till his week I will have little more clarity -things seem soo blurry, I'm not I contact with him and he tried callin me yesterday - never called back, I saw tempe call I honestly have. I interest to speak to him unless is in regards XXXXX XXXXX or our personal things ht still connect
Us.. I'm confused on why he continues to reach me it's
Not easy or me I'm trying really hard to not speak or respond to him - I really hate that I have to be cold and ignore -to
Me is the only way I can move on, perhaps wih myself, even of I try to respond, I really feel dumb or that being too nice an not respecting myself as a woman its funny he crossed my mind and in that moment I receive the following pleas read-----what to do ? Confused wih my feelings and actions """I hope your weekend is going well for you. I know it's hasn't been easy at work with along everything else. So as for me. Want you to know that you are in my thoughts.""
Expert:  Cher replied 2 years ago.
Hi again, Jasmine and thanks for your reply and your update on the situation.

He is making it very difficult for you to cut all contact, unless it is related to business, as you mentioned.

Since you made up your mind not to respond to him or contact him after he hurt you and treated you badly with his decision to move away, you decided to move on with your life, which was very wise, and this should not make you feel dumb or too nice, if he contacts you, says the things he does, and you consider responding. Of course, this decision is completely up to you, but if you decide to respond, please do not think it makes you look dumb or too nice. You're trying to get your life back together and I think you're doing a very good job of it. Things are difficult and seem blurry, because on the one hand, you're trying to put him out of your mind and start a whole new life without him as a part of it, and on the other hand, his communication is weakening your resistance and makes you feel as if you would like to respond.

He may feel very badly about how he treated you and is, in some way trying to make up for it, but words do not speak louder than actions and he's trying to make himself feel better by contacting you and being so nice. You needed him to regard your feelings before moving away, considering the circumstances.

Deciding to respond to him or not, is of course something you must decide for yourself and if you feel it's the 'right' thing to do and/or the right thing for you, don't make yourself feel badly for doing it. However, think of the future......if you respond now, will you respond the next time he contacts you and says something nice? Just think about it in that way and it will help you decide what to do.

If you do respond, keep it very unemotional, thank him for inquiring as to how you're doing and ask if he is doing well and make it short and sweet, nothing long and complicated. See how that goes for you, if you decide to respond.

You are not obligated to respond; you need to decide what is best for YOU.

IMPORTANT: If you found my answer helpful, please choose a positive rating like this one Laughing for 'Excellent Service', as that is the only way I am credited for assisting you.

If you should experience any problem with the ratings system, please reply back to let me know and I will have it taken care of for you.

 

Please feel free to request me for future questions by beginning your question with 'FOR CHER'. Thanks!


Best regards,
Cher
Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 18720
Experience: M.A., B.A., Author, Senior Informational Specialist
Cher and 104 other General Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I agree his I respect his choice everyone has the right of decisions. I personally think that the way he went about our relationship was not with integrity or honestly I seem to a 1% doubt his love for me even if he tells me I'm the most precious thing in his life or the best """he text me this "" I wish I could explain in words what I'm going through. 
Despite all, What you mean to me is endless. Our bond should be there always no matter what. 
You are amazing person. The greatest woman. You can have the world in your hands if you would only want it to. 
Be well babe.  Please"""
I will always have love for him, I do t know how far that will be- he said to be his feeling changed and he has nothing to compare what we have to he feels choices where made for him he did not choose to in the type of rationship we had it just happen etc.. At this time I think of the conversations we had for days or hours I the last few weks we were together - I was so blind - because of my li e for him I said I undestand - you should be happy- I come to view it now - realize I did not believe this was happening - he truth is it did it has and now it's done. I don't want him any more not out of hatred - the way I was treated was wrong - I would of prefer honesty - as many times prior to and even after moving to diffent state I ask if his sure about us or this he said yes that he loves me - I feel in a way that his family may have something to do with our separate he came back changed after our trip from visiting - it's deny till today it does not matter - I'm moving on- I don't think of what. He thinks of me not responding he keeps texting me since yesterday - I'm really not doing this for a chase - I just don't have the desire to speak to him about anything, I want to flip the page not close the book - move along with my heart, self, mind and life. I gave a huge chunk - seems like it was taken. For granted I don't know how I'm still standing. if I will tell you of I miss him - I say "no" I missed what we were in good times I reallly don't know what was genuine from him -I Guess everyone is different - he said life is not just about love it's reality he made it clear that the love I or him had could not sustain moving forward - said things like he has not really lived his life , or he can't compare what we have to anything else -due to his inexperience perhaps he needs to feel what I feel how I'm so certain. About him or decision long term he said he can't see where his life will e in 20 etc I think about all those things - feel like a fool really -botXXXXX XXXXXne is his not in love with me how I thought he was or how he made it seem - i fought for us I feel he abondan me and us . Could not sustain the reality perhaps he has maturing to do with himself - I can only say now I don't want a man of ha caliber for me in my life under any circumstances.
Expert:  Cher replied 2 years ago.

Hi again, Jasmine and thanks for your reply and your positive rating.

You are very insightful and a woman who knows what she wants and how she is entitled to be treated. His treatment of you was not that of someone who loves you. He may have loved you once, but now his words, I feel, are only said to try to keep you in his life and take away some of the guilt he's feeling about the situation, for which he is solely responsible

You are correct to feel that you don't want a man of his caliber in your life, now, or at any time. He did abandon you and he did abandon your partnership; because he did this to you after telling you (and still telling you) what a wonderful woman you are, he has proven that he cannot be trusted and you are wise to make the decision not to allow someone like that to continue to be part of your life. You deserve better! You know what you're looking for and you will find it when the time is right. This was a learning experience for you and you will not make the same mistakes next time. You may make new mistakes, but you will have learned from past experience.

IMPORTANT: If you found my answer helpful, please choose a positive rating like this one Laughing for 'Excellent Service', as that is the only way I am credited for assisting you.

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to let me know.

Please feel free to request me for future questions by beginning your question with 'FOR CHER'. Thanks!


Best regards,
Cher

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Whats really hurtful is that I trust and believed him- I feel very bad with myself, it's so sad - that a person can still say I want you to be part of my life making it believe they still have love for you- I can't believe how I wrote a letter to him before he left - inhesitated to give to him - the funny thing is he still wanted me to give it to him- I refuse, he says feeling don't leave overnight etc- I feel that when he showed his tears - dint know if it was based for love for me or guilt - seems that our relationship was not genuine.
I'm really
Angry with my self how I made such changes- I don't wish bad - I wonder - about karma. Circle of life
Expert:  Cher replied 2 years ago.
Hi again, Jasmine and thanks for your reply.

I understand completely how you feel and you were hurt badly by his actions and his words; you are entitled to feel sad, but not 'badly' about yourself. You did nothing wrong--you did everything right and did believe in him and believe the words he told you. He seemed genuine and you had no reason to doubt him, so don't feel badly or sad or that any of this was your fault--you believed what he said to you and promised you.

Karma is a very fair thing; what goes around, comes around, and I think he will encounter a situation in the future in which he is in the position you are, now. Only until you walk a mile in another person's shoes, can you know what their life is like/what they are feeling. He will be in a situation where he will need to do that, and then, and only then, will he really understand what he did to you and how sad and disappointed he made you feel. Right now, he's giving you 'lip service'--just 'words'. Words are not actions and his actions hurt you. You did make many changes to your life to be with him, and then he disappointed you.

You have very positive energy and that is what's helping you survive this big disappointment, so if you keep that positive energy going, you will feel stronger within yourself, every day. You need to keep telling yourself that it wasn't you that created this situation; it was all him, and he may have been genuine at the time he told you the things he told you, but after he disappointed you, I would take everything he says with some caution. I don't doubt he still cares for you in some way, but he did what was best for himself when the opportunity presented itself and now, you have to do what's best for yourself.


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If you have have additional questions or concerns, please click "Reply to Expert"
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Please feel free to request me for future questions by beginning your question with 'FOR CHER'. Thanks!


Best regards,
Cher

Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 18720
Experience: M.A., B.A., Author, Senior Informational Specialist
Cher and 104 other General Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi - I wet o therapist it made it a little hard I did get -teary emotional - its my first visit -
I want to say I sort of accidentally picked up my cell when I was In a call and it was him -I felt nervous hear felt not at peace hearing his voice. I did not say much I was like hello and his like hello and said is everything ok? I'm like yea.. I can't really talk now call you back he said is everything ok ?! Second time all I said is I can't talk now let me call you .. Really I know I was not going to call - I have reason too. Even of we talk I dont see the point where is going i just fell different - feelings sort of changed "reality wise" I view him as not mature enough, foremost I think of the person I was wih him - it's not about deserve it's about respect and love for anyone- that is special to you. I don't think now he valued - myself the way I should of been valued.
My question is why for the million time he reaches out I'm here his there living with out me moving forward etc. why trying to keep his connection it's irrelevant- Please advise or tell its crazy behavior, at this moment I'm relax I feel I call smthing tells me no! Why?
Expert:  Cher replied 2 years ago.
Hi again, Jasmine, and thanks for your reply.

I'm glad you went to the therapist. It's always hard the first time and feeling emotional and teary are all to be expected.

My psychic feeling about this, and as we discussed before, I do believe that your Karma is very good and what you're feeling at this moment regarding him is normal, natural and in your best interest. He IS moving forward and is holding you back from doing so, if he keeps calling. He's trying to keep the connection either to know if you too, are moving forward and/or because he's trying to erase his own guilt at leaving you.

It's too bad you picked up the phone when he called, but if you had no idea.......you can't blame yourself for that. I'm glad you feel that things have changed 'reality-wise' and your current view of him as not mature enough for you is a very good assessment. I feel this too......he thought at the beginning you were going to 'play house', but when he had the opportunity to leave, he did. He does feel badly about this on some level, but not badly enough to give up his new position.

It's not crazy behavior; if you are relaxed and feel you should call, but something is holding you back, it's your positive energies holding you back--you know deep down he is not the one for you. His behavior has proven this and little by little you will talk to him less and less and then not communicate at all. At that time, you will feel happier, more relaxed more often, and this won't be tugging at your heart any longer. Your heart and your brain are having a battle and that's what's causing your uneasiness and sadness. You have every right to still be sad, as this situation is still fresh, but your positive attitude and energies will help you through. You are a strong woman and deserve better than what he could offer you, so it was a blessing in disguise that he walked out of your life.

Best regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello it's been a while well in the last two weks I have been busy with Busness/mange and more work been overwhemed- and I spoke to this person on Sunday -I tOld him everything I felt-and viewed him -today I had a really bad day and Ive been working more than 8 days straight dot want to talk about that it's only till mon ! Well the person i work with my x partner any ways - Ive been talking to my x only he was going to take care of a few things. He did part I just felt over whelmed etc - sort of lashed out at him in a sense in regards XXXXX XXXXX partner - and how duties etc..I have Opinion I stayto make xtra$$$
Realizing now I came here for a person -keep saying this all difficult for me -keep myself busy to deal with it by not paying attention or thinking about what we had or how his going about his life -I don't call I'm no t the one that left I'm deeply hurt indont admit it I brush it off ignore - I know that his just living his life thinking about his goals -enjoying his freedom meeting people
Or dating etc.. I sense it it's weird why does it matter to me if I know I don't want him anymore or see the type of feeling he truly had for me why I'm I feeling sad with where I'm at -just realize I cant even put a true smile hat crushes me I'm such a happy person I meet people. I have no interest to date etc why?! Don't I feel like an excitement to be open to what's out there it's the most scariest thing I've felt today.
Expert:  Cher replied 2 years ago.

Hello again, Jasmine and thanks for requesting me.

It's good to hear from you!

I'm sorry you're feeling so unhappy. This is to be expected after what you have been through. You can admit you're deeply hurt and he knows he hurt you. It was unintentional, but he did hurt you. I don't see him dating and living the 'free bachelor' type of wild life right now, but of course you think he is. He still thinks of you but knows he cannot be together with you again.

It's not weird for it to matter to you even if you don't want him anymore. You were close when you were together and that is not easily forgotten, but now you have freed yourself from him because you know there is someone better out there for you. If you feel it is too early after the break up to be dating, you can still go out with some friends and do fun things. Throwing yourself into work is very common after a break up, but all work and no play will make you feel more stressed, so try to do something you enjoy.

It IS very scary to think about what's out there today and you have to be very careful, as I know you're on the rebound and I feel it would not be best for you to start seeing anyone seriously anytime soon. You will meet someone whose company you enjoy in the near future and it will start as a nice friendship. It would not be wise to start any new relationships in the near future. You need to wait for a while longer. I know this is not what you're looking for at this time, but because you are vulnerable, I'm just making sure you don't make this mistake.

I feel you ARE a naturally happy person and you will find your smile again. You don't have to have an interest in dating now; it's too soon. But, if friends invite you out to do something, force yourself to go. I'm sensing that you need to get out more and you will find your smile again. Try not to think about him anymore; he's past history. You have a new, exciting life waiting for you and you will find happiness again, I sense it. Things will start improving for you soon!

~~I wish you only life's best and much happiness~~


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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I jut talked wih him a out work etc.. And I said how stress or I was .. If my terms may change I'm leaving there whet other things in regards XXXXX XXXXX he said he knows what I'm dealing with but to be stein I don't have to be forced to do anything etc. then he said what else .. I'm just like silent.. So I said well I see you took the photo from the cover of your phone (us) he said yes not the inside one - then i did its fine I dont care anyways (natural reflex) its not that I dont, the he cut me off and said don't say you dont because you do care and it's hard to see your photo and even the lap top or when I see your picture pop up.. He began to sob , crying said you think I don't feel you I know what your going through you think I don't wake up In morning miss waking up to you he said -miss you and just because I dont say it or even call you all the time I think of you every day .. Dont think for a second it's easy for me because it's very hard .. We talked - that was all he said be strong about work and don't let or break me -be smart about things..
Then I read what you said he thinks of me -but he can't be with you again what did you mean in that sentence?
Is it because I know he hurt me or you feel he can't be with me "he knows chooses too live his life this way now.. Please explain -why I say idiot want him is because how he is now "immature " sort told him that in a nice way not to hurt -but if it did -did not mean too ..
Expert:  Cher replied 2 years ago.
Hi again, Jasmine and thanks for your reply.

I didn't realize that you had spoken to him again.

I meant he thinks of you but you can't be with him because he chose to leave to better himself in business without thinking of how it would affect you/hurt you and you said you were finished with him and ready to move on. If you two can no longer be together in the same city, every time you talk to him, you're stressing yourself out more, and feeling sadder. If you enjoy your conversations, that's fine, but if you're no longer together, you said you weren't going to talk to him; only for business purposes, so keep it all 'business' and I feel that will be better for you.

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Cher



Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi i wanted to email yi ealier thank tou for your support, perhaps in the crazies way of thinking i thought in a certain degree or when we spoke him and i he had a slight percentagw to being toghther in or realizig oter wise -perhaps i in the naive or stupid way thpught perhaps he still had a percantage of love for me -it just seems dome it will take me a long time after talking ro him last noght and hearing him with he cries i thought maybe he would try to say lets work this etc.. I just proof to myself that he is dating I sort of have found out accident wise tonight we have i put one and one together ad its to obvious my instint tells me for this -proof and I don't know why he behaves to talk and be concern or tell me is not easy for him ans still go stay, sleeps at anothers woman home - i know its sounds crazy.. how he does and dates, sleeps with others -it's not easy for me to even feel or think this way I don't think either of us as given us time he chooses to live his life this way make me feel other wise.. I know regardless I can't -do the same. Perhaps I should to move on.. I woke up sweaty and ita late i felt to call him when i did he did not pick up... Becouse his not home and with someone else.. How can a person treat be this way and still make you feel like you matters ro them in any way or have love etc...What do you think?
Expert:  Cher replied 2 years ago.
Hello again, Jasmine and thanks for your reply and for requesting me to answer you.

You're very welcome for the support, I'm glad I'm able to be of help to you, and I'm sorry that you're feeling so sad. If you know for sure that he has moved on with his life and is sleeping with other women, living his life completely separate from you, I get the feeling from his actions, that he's trying to keep you hanging on because the thought of you not still caring for him is hard for him to take. However, he can't have things both ways. He left you to take a job in another place and crushed your dreams of spending his life with you. He deceived you into thinking your futures were together, as a couple, when you moved to where he was and started working in the company. I don't feel that he planned this; it definitely was 'circumstance', but I do not pick up on his crying on the phone, etc., as being genuine. Does he still have feelings for you? Yes, I believe he does; however, if he is sleeping with other women he is moving on with his life, doing what he wants/needs to do, in the new place he's living, and you will need to do the same. If speaking to him makes you sad, don't speak to him. The only way you will be able to avoid future hurt, is to not speak to him on a personal basis anymore. As I understand it, you need to talk to him about business, but you don't need to talk to him about personal things. If he starts telling you how hard it is for him and he still loves you and he starts sobbing, let him know you only want to talk about business and you don't care to hear how difficult it is for him, when he caused you so much hurt. I feel that you are going to have to start distancing yourself from him further, if you know he's spending time with other women and while he would 'prefer' to be with you, he's the one who left. This happens very often, especially when one person moves to the other person's city to be with them; many times it works out fine, and many times, circumstances cause it to fall apart and not work out. You are where you are and if you are not able to move to be with him, and also, because you know he's been with other women, I'm picking up that it's time for you to forget about him and start our life over. Take what life gives you and make the best of it. Yes, you are sad and very disappointed in how he treated you, and you have every right to feel this way. He 'says' he's sad and misses you, yet he's moving forward with his life. You owe it to yourself to do the same. If you feel there is no way on this earth that you will ever have a chance at a life together with him, due to the circumstances and everything that has transpired, and I feel the same way, from the energies I'm picking up from both of you, the best thing you can do for yourself is to move forward and put him in your past. This doesn't mean you must start dating right away, just tell yourself it's over, he's not longer a part of your life, yes, you got a bad break, when things didn't work out the way he promised, and the way you thought, but you are a strong person who can pull it all together and go on with your life. You deserve to take time to get over this disappointment. I feel you're negative energies--you're very sad and having trouble getting over him--very natural and no one can expect otherwise; however, little by little, you will convince yourself you're over him and you will feel freer to pursue happiness in life again and after a while, you will feel ready to start dating again. This won't happen for a while, but as long as you begin working towards it, it will happen, eventually. I think I had suggested to you earlier, that you write a letter to him, not to be mailed, but stating all your feelings and disappointments in the actions he took, which hurt you so badly, say everything that's on your mind....it's a way of 'cleansing' yourself of all the things you want to say to him, but you can't, in reality. Even though he will never see this letter, it will make you feel much better about yourself and the situation.

Stay strong and convince yourself you will move on with your life, despite anything he says. I believe strongly that you can do this. You are a strong woman with great positive energies surrounding her andt his will enable you to get through this very difficult period in your life.

My very best wishes are only for your happiness!


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Cher

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi I don't know what I ask myself this question - starting to wonder if over all the situations is horrible as it is meaning what his put me through - not second doubt it's just weird how we act wih each other we try to keep it going our separate ways or to say his decision - my is based on that it's sad - why I'm I thinking that this can be mended or fix -is it doubt - he still does the role of a partner (husbnd)in a degree I miss him and I did tell him - I feel like I need to say it to let go as time goes by - I've meet guys and it does not interest me I feel or think if I see another it will make me forget or easier to move forward - a few peopl told me to get over him I should sleep with another person of his astrology sign or any one and after a month just leave -that sounds crazy, heartless we sort of argued about him saying will calland took hours I feel like this is becoming draining and I see that he has been drained I the past it almost feels as numb! I'm a little tire talk later
Expert:  Cher replied 2 years ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this. I know how difficult and draining it is for you. I don't think the solution is to sleep with someone of his same astrological sign. Just because people share an astrological sign does not make them the same. They may possess some of the same characteristics, but people are very different and I know you know that. It is not a good idea.

If you're sure that you are never going to get back together, do tell him what's troubling you (I know you have before) and that you need, for both your sakes, to stop torturing yourselves and move on in your lives.

Either you're together or you're not. You're not together, so talking about the same thing over and again is not going to change the physical situation. How far away did he move? Can you still see each other and why can't you move to be with him. Did he tell you not to move to join him? As I remember it, you needed to stay with the business because you were needed there?

If there is a chance you might get back togehter, continue to talk and get out all your emotions; you each have to be honest. If there is no way you will ever get back together again, it's best for you to end it, stop communications (even for business); let him speak to somone else there, or send you a fax, if at all possible, that is the only way you will be able to move on in your life.

You are not interested in dating now because the break up is too fresh; the 'wound' is still very raw; you are hurting a lot. You need to allow time to go by without any contact with him and get over him, then you will feel more like meeting new people and starting to date again. This might take quite a few months, but you can't put a time limit on it--you will know when you're ready.

You are a strong person and you will do what's best for yourself. I feel you are very good at handling problems, but this one is too emotional for you to get over that quickly. You need time, and you should take it. Try to limit your contact with him or cut it altogether, or you will never get out from under this situation which is draining you emotionally and breaking your heart. You deserve to be happy and there is a man in your future, who will fulfill this prophesy for you. Take one day at a time, and make a promise to yourself that you will not speak to him. Once the communication is ended, you will feel much better!

I wish you only happiness!

Please remember to rate my answer in a positive manner (Laughing) so I may be compensated for helping you. If you don't rate, I don't get paid for my time and effort. Thanks!

Best regards,
Cher
Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you.. For all I believe I have been little weak to my feelings -showed it and I feel like I should. Of hide it .. now he says hat his feelings have. Of changed but he made a choice and his dealing with it and it's. I easy for him either well his in nyc and I'm in michigan state now - I have to say I have concrete info on how his living hi life it seems he can't be alone meaning has a woman to keep company for what I understand he does not know i hav proof it does. Of matter he chooses to tell me what I wan to hear - I wish to take this love I have for him and feel hat it does. Not exist , I go to work and it's his Busness all there is is memories. I need to make money and leave his place sometimes I dont know the future - I can plan things -I want to just say there's nO chance to be together and forget him as long as I keep in touch it seems weird confusing and I don't know what to do I'm married to this person - I should just end that too.
Expert:  Cher replied 2 years ago.
Hi again, Jasmine, and thanks for your reply with additional information.

I didn't realize you were actually married to him. Living in two separate states cannot sustain a marriage and if you have your sources and know for sure that he is keeping company with another woman, yes, you will sadly, need to end the marriage too.

The best thing for you to do to feel better is to find another job in another place, at equal pay (I know that's not easy), so you don't have to work for his business with all his memories there, which is tearing you apart. You'll also need to decide if you want a divorce if you feel there's no hope whatsoever for you to get back together and live as man and wife. The negative and sad energies surrounding you, due to this situation is not good for you emotionally or health-wise, and you need to make a change which will benefit you, as soon as possible.

You don't have to share this with him, but start looking around for another job and try to make that change. If you're married to him, do you reap any rewards (monetarily) from the business? If so, you will need to stay there. If not, you can leave as soon as you find something else.

You need to put yourself and your happiness first, in this situation.

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Best regards,
Cher


Customer: replied 2 years ago.
We talked last night I want to end it I don't get a reactions towards anything all I hear him say I'm dealing with this change too and it's not easy-etc -he will not say anything I regards XXXXX XXXXX he feels - the only thing he said is what do you want me to say I'm going through it myself - that he can't continue dealing with this all the times it makes hi
Feel bad and he said its to soon to say how he feels. I want to ask if this is it meaning to see other people etc. and that I know the truth even if he hides it for what ever reason - I prefer his honesty he mentioned yesterday his feelings have not change he just made a choice. I feel that of I Serve him the divorce he may just sign off on it I dOnt see the benefits of staying together/mrrg wise perhaps I fear that he will just sign off on them - and continue to live his life- guess I will know the truth
Expert:  Cher replied 2 years ago.
Hello again, Jasmine.

I understand completely how you feel and if he can't give you any specific information regarding staying together or splitting, but talks about how difficult it is for him too, he has to be reminded that he is the one who left/moved to another state.

You are absolutely correct---this is no longer a marriage and there is no advantage to you remaining married. I don't feel that he will fight you on this and it's true--the only way to find out is to serve him with the divorce papers. I'm not a lawyer, but he, in effect 'abandoned' you and that is grounds for divorce, as far as I know.

It's a difficult situation all around, but my sixth sense tells me that you are not going to be sorry if you ask for a divorce. The way you're living now is not a realistic marriage and you are tearing yourself apart, emotionally, every day. You deserve much better and you deserve to be happy! You need to surround yourself with more positive, rather than negative energies, and then you will feel so much better about your life.

Please remember to RATE my answer 'Good or Excellent', if you are satisfied with my answer, so I may be paid by the site for assisting you. Thanks!

Best wishes only for your happiness!
Cher
Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 18720
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
i Just talles And o mentioned that sur To How gringa are Now que Shoes cuy ties.. He said what do you mean I said you know what I'm talking
About he said ohh I get it. Then I mentioned it's not somthing I want to do but you made your choice
And I dont hear or see you say different your there here -don't hear about getting back together etc. or any response he said just because I don't say does not mean any different or he does not feel he understand because he feels me he said if that's what I feel to do he can't be selfish and tell any diffent etc -he's not ok with it - botXXXXX XXXXXne he just mention to let things happen naturally not to force it ..
Expert:  Cher replied 2 years ago.
Hi again, Jasmine and thanks for your reply and for requesting me to answer you.

'Let things happen naturally, not to force it' means, let me have my fun, see other women, be far away from you, but you know I still care for you, so I'll live my life the way I want to, and you just stay where are and we'll be fine. No, this is not a fair response to what you are saying to him. If he still cares for you, he would want to remain married to you and try to make changes to HIS life to make you happy and make the situation 'equal'. Right now, he is having his cake and eating it too (you know that expression?), meaning everything is going his way--he has everything he wants--except YOU! and he's not making any effort to change that, so, that says something about his true feelings. There are options here, to resolve the problems and maintain the marriage, if you still love each other, but he is not taking advantage of any of them. If you don't want to rush into divorce, and my sixth sense is telling me that your shouldn't, that's fine; but he has to know that if he makes no changes to try to keep you as his wife, he will eventually lose you.

I am more than glad to be of help to you, Jasmine, but you have not rated any of my last 7 answers which means I am not receiving payment for my time and effort. Please remember to rate my answers with choices 3, 4, or 5 (5--'Excellent' is preferable Laughing ). Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX it!

Best regards,
Cher
Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.

He said if this is what I want I said no the reality is you are there im here this si not easy its eventually going ro happen down the road -i said youadw a choice to live your life so i also have to live mine - he said of hayd whay o feel them he can put jos opinion and he will not be selfish what hw thimks does not matter i said twll me its to know your opinion pr what you think not once did I say d word he was pretty quiet A all he said his not much of a man with much words and just said "all he can say is not to force things naturally as you already know. We ended the call he said he needed to meet with emplyeess etc he text me with this ""Sorry. I need to take a walk. All of this is very hard for me. Didn't mean to cut the conversation like this. -
All I said its understandable -
Another things prior to the conversation. I clear something wih him all mi said to him is that he no friend he claims he has I know the truth is all you need to know I know you've meet people plenty I also know your talking to someone or sleeping etc and he said what!? What are you talking a out of course he said -he swears to G. he has. Not been with anyone All I said I prefer your honesty it's ok you choose to live your life this way and that's your choice it does. Not. Matter I said to him I have.not been with anyone I all said it does. Of matter if his been with anyone this is our lives.
Then he said it does matter to you becouse if would to me I would not like it we ended the call few mins it wa too much draining painful and hurtful and he said he does not like how I
Feeling etc-he text me this ""Sorry. I need to take a walk. All of this is very hard for me. Didn't mean to cut the conversation like this. 
All I responded was -understandable.
Expert:  Cher replied 2 years ago.
Hello again, Jasmine and thanks for your replies and your Excellent ratings. I greatly appreciate them!

You said what needed to be said, in the phone call, and that's important. You didn't mention the 'D' word, which is good, because it was sort of a 'test' to see if he would bring it up.

I'm feeling that he is not heartless and when he says it disturbs him greatly that you are in so much emotional pain and he knows he caused it, it's good to know that he does have a conscience and is upset he hurt you. However, I feel that he is not being truthful about the other woman or women he has been with and if you were told this by another person, I believe they were correct and wouldn't have just said this to you, knowing your marriage is at a very delicate point. He sounded sincere, but I have a feeling, it was just because you surprised him with the accusation/stating of fact as you knew it.

It's very important that he is truthful with you, even if it hurts. You're hurt already, which is so sad, and I wish you didn't have to go through this anguish. It's also important that he tells you he wants to be with you again and wants to maintain your marriage. If he wants this/is serious about it, he can tell you to move to NY to live with him. I'm sure you could get a job there, easily.

I'm picking up that he is not being entirely truthful with you, yet he still has feelings for you and is very sorry and upset that he hurt you by moving. He was not thinking of your feelings at the time he made the decision to move. Sometimes, things in life have to be a certain way and there's no way around it. This situation may have presented itself quickly and he felt he had to take advantage of it or he would lose money. Money can't buy love, but it seems he didn't consider you in the decision at the time. Ask him why. Tell him your feelings needed to be considered and that hurts the most. However, the way he's acting now is more hurtful; he says one thing and seems to do another.

You can't continue to go on like this, but if you feel there is any way you can salvage this marriage, you must decide if he is the type of man you would still like to spend your life with. It seems you found out a lot of things about him that you weren't aware of, before, so that may have a bearing on the situation.

Right now, take it slowly and see what else he has to say about his feelings for you and if he continues to deny being with anyone else. I feel he may have been 'close' to sleeping with someone else, but didn't. Find out more from the person who told you this had taken place and it will help with yoru decision.

Please remember to RATE my answer 'Excellent', if you are satisfied with my answer, so I may be paid by the site for assisting you. Thanks!

Best wishes only for your happiness!
Cher
Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 18720
Experience: M.A., B.A., Author, Senior Informational Specialist
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hello Cher. I have to say I skipped my appointment a week ago-missed it - I have to say that it has been a week I have spoken to my ex and I'm happier - in a sense of not torturing myself - he said something a few words he last time we talked and I have to say it hit me hard that he made me feel like Im wanting to know his Busness and he feels that practically no privacy that he feels he does. It need to say how his life is I regard who he meets etc- he chooses to tell me to say he had. Of one that Im not that east to forget etc well I ask him about the woman or women etc he said he has. I interest in any he has meet a lot of people and that how his life is now. He feels that he does. Not ask about my possible mates it's not something he wants to know - it would bother him etc- over all he wrote me a a note/letter quiet frankly I read between the line I did not respond the funny thing is before a read it the following day the same night of the day we spoke early in the day- I broke down crying driving home from work - late night and I felt like I needed to let go and release my Pain - made a promise not to speak ever again for now it's a huge promise I made with self and superior being if you know what I mean "neder" in Jewish terms.. I don't hold grudge or hate Im understanding he did not respect me as a woman or his partner - I felt like a fiddle - he has contacted me several time by texting I have not responded - it hi me when he said shana tova by text I find it to be rude not interpersonal knowing our history how he choose to treat it "a call would have been better out of curtesy- any ways he tried to contact me agai he just say hope you find strength this day and your good - beside the reason of the text due to a call he received regrads to the veichle I. Currently selling long text he said I'll leave you alone for a little of you want me too - I have. Not response "I'm not" either - well I've meet many people - at the same time I feel it. Of good timing for me - I should also get out and live my life even I it take of meeting - or physical with no string attached what's your feeling about all of this? I'm not emotionally involved I know where I stand most of the men I've meet are much younger - Im not looking for love now ..just fun and exciting being me I'm not oblivious I do have my standards "still" I'm not having s SPF heart for him or any man now I just dot give--2 -cents but only my self and happiness an
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.

Hi again, Jasmine and thanks very much for your reply and for your positive rating. It's greatly appreciated!

I'm glad to hear that you've come to some realizations about putting your own happiness first and that you feel happier, overall. This will put you on the right road for the future.

I'm surprised how he answered you when you asked about other women he may be seeing or involved with. It most certainly IS your business if he's your husband! I'm sorry his treatment of you made you feel so badly, but now that you're starting to see things in a different light and realize that you must stop torturing yourself about what he is doing and concentrate on what makes YOU happy, things will continue to improve for you.

In your state of mind, yes, you must be careful that you are not taken advantage of, but I sense that you are a smart woman and you will know where to draw the line. No, you should not be looking for love at this point; your wound is too fresh. You are entitled to go out and have fun without compromising your character. I feel there is a lot of positive energy around you, now that you have made this decision. It was a 'freeing' decision for you. You don't need to keep responding to him.

I agree that saying L'Shana Tovah in a text and not by phone was a very rude and impersonal thing; you did deserve a phone call for that! Now that I know you are Jewish (I am too), I wish you L' Shana Tovah and may you enjoy a very sweet year, full of peace and happiness! It's a new start for you and you must take advantage of it with your new mindset.

I feel that the fact it is the beginning of a new year, coupled with your new-found inner peace and feeling happier, this bodes very well for your future. Be strong, stay on this positive path, and you will do well and feel much better about yourself.

If you have any additional questions or concerns, please click 'Reply to Expert' before rating, direct your reply to me, "Cher", and I will be glad to continue our conversation.

IMPORTANT: If you found my answer helpful, please choose a positive rating like this one Laughing for 'Excellent Service', so I may receive credit from the site for assisting you. Thank you!

Please rate with positive feedback (#3-5) when you are satisfied with my answer. Your satisfaction is my greatest priority.


Best regards,
Cher

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Shana to a - yom Kippur !:) It was a day of fasting and atonement - forgiveness in Judaism.. I'm at peace with my self -the funny thing and greatest gift is my bday falls on 26 th kippur day.. The blessing are embrace more. I'm ok I have to say that he keeps contacting me I made a needer- to above .g - I'm not religious- yes I'm very spiritual- I don't know why it's. Of as I'm mad or angry I
Just don't know what to say to him- or why he keeps calling and texting- he said words that made me feel - bad or detached I'm. Of this person he wants his space or not want me to know his where about then that alone I respect I have! Why know that I'm moving on wih my life he wants to co tact me to see if I'm okay? it's confusing to me - I am detaching from him it's what the choice he decided for him self.or to say. Both. I'm following his wishes - no for his sake. It for my I don't want to torture my happiness or peace and th love I have within me for self and the one who will embrace it. I know it's not easy I feel I have to continue to be strong for myself and -it should. Not matter what he may be going through Although I care -At the same time my instinct tells me to ignore and continue -my life my choice that at this point what he may experience is guilt- I'm. Of trying to make him realm guilty I just can't be his friend or continue or pretend that it's on what he did -it's. It with me -I learn to accept it and life my life -let go and confine my goals and purpose and my desires where I want to be it not a dream it's my life the reality of what peoPle dream I'm more no dream just focus and do it that's where I'm at . It hurts at the same time I'm such a loving Passionate individual woman when I love I learn I love 110% that's what I learn this past relatiOnship I've had others -I made my self ready openly -I for the first time i trust I don't know if I'm doing the right things I sense for my sake and torture -none part I should. It get back to him-at the same time I should I'm not angry -I really don't know what to say.? emotions I don't want to deal with it - I'm dOne ! It's not anyone else I just feel as a women to be treated like a princess/queen gentleness-not as due to my experiences that it's ok she will be Fine she's strong that's so prejudice. I want to be happy I'm not looking I'm open to experience joy-love prosperity and amazing peoPle like positive aura of vitality Is what I seek-or desire in my life be healthy I mean I have a life style that I go to the work out room and I fell great after -more athletic I want to get myself back who I truly ima and want to be. Not focus on cherums/pasura-Latin btw I'm Latin american Jewish :)hope your kippur was easy and blessed!
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine and thanks for your reply and your good wishes!

I'm so glad to hear that your Yom Kippur was a day of peace for you and an extra blessing, to be on your birthday! Happy birthday!

You're absolutely right, that now you have to concentrate on YOU; your feelings, your happiness and your health. Going to the gym and keeping fit, is so important for the body AND mind, and if you feel so exhilerated after working out, that's fantastic--it's working and contributing to your positive energy! You have no obligation to anyone but yourself, and to find new happiness in light of the situation. He is not treating you as he should and you deserve better. It's great that you've made your decision that you're 'done' with him and you're not having any contact. It's driving him crazy that you're not responding, but he is the one who hurt you with his words and actions, and you have no obligation to respond to him.

I'm glad that you're a very spiritual person and that will help you get through this rough time. You need to tell him that you don't want to hear from him anymore because it is only more hurtful to you. You are finished being hurt by him and you are moving on and living your life. You are entitled to love and happiness and you will find it in someone who appreciates you for the positive, energetic woman you are. You have many wonderful qualities that men will appreciate.

I see you surrounded by positive energies at this time and that will keep you feeling peaceful and happy on your pathways as you proceed into your future.

IMPORTANT: If you found my answer helpful, please choose a positive rating like this one Laughing for 'Excellent Service', so I may receive credit from the site for my time and effort in assisting you. Thank you!

Best regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

hello


again its been feww weeks now. i have to say i have been in the a funk for 2 weeks .. and i have not spoken to my ex.. i choose not too although he has reach out just to see if I'm ok.. i don't respond.


i realize that i don't want or need a man like him- in this point in my life. I'm filing this week and i feel that its not the best thing over all - I think is the best thing for me to close this chapter in my life although i reminisce in out past i think of his actions and the step he left - shows me i want a man to respect and love me without doubt - althiugh i hear from other friends how he misses me etc- i have no expectations from him-


why do i feel so down and in funk like nothing matter or i care about anything..


energy feels low how come?

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine and thanks for requesting me.

I'm so sorry that you feel like you're in a funk, but it is not surprising, considering what an emotional roller coaster you have been subjected to, by your ex. It's better to not have any communication with him. It's always very difficult to file for divorce, but his actions made this necessary. Right now, you have to 'seem' very selfish (because you are not, by nature a selfish person, but a very giving and loving person) and only think of yourself; you need to think of how badly you have felt, how badly he made you feel, and the terrible things he's done to you, considering you moved here just to be with him. Remind yourself of why you're feeling this way, and it's all because of him, not anything you did.

You do deserve to be loved unconditionally by a man who can give of himself and love the person that you are; a wonderful person! You also need to be respected and that is not what you were getting out of this relationship. You need to remove yourself from this situation to save yourself and regain your confidence and your feelings. He made you feel like you were insignificant in his life; he put himself and what he wanted, first. That's selfish and does not indicate love, in the truest sense of its meaning. All your intentions and actions were honorable and honest. This was not the case for his intentions and actions.

He may be telling some friends that he misses you, and this may be true, to some degree, it's natural and normal, but that does not forgive the way he has and is, treating you.

You feel low energy at this time because you are being faced with a very important and life altering decision--you're filing for divorce. This is never pleasant and the emotions you're feeling are very normal. Try to do what must be done and then forget about it and concentrate on YOU. Do your job, go out with friends, do things that bring you joy and happiness. Is there any chance you might be able to take a short trip somewhere with a close friend, just for a change of scenery?

I have done a reading for you and the card I have drawn is 'The Tower'. This represents that a house built without good foundations has no option but to collapse, eventually. This card represents anything that has been built on false beliefs or illusions and is now coming to an end. The positive representation of this card shows that having the ability to see the truth in this matter, will help to you rebuild for the future, but this time you will be prepared and make sure to build a solid foundation. This is the prediction of your next contact with love. You will make sure a solid foundation is built before moving on to a more serious relationship and/or marriage.

I understand that this is a difficult time for you, so feeling down is very natural, and you can allow yourself those feelings for a while; but, make sure to brighten your life and your future with happy things and good friends to bring you out of your current funk, in a short while, when you feel ready. Things will improve for you, I'm sure of it! You just have to believe in yourself and believe things will improve, because they will! You are surrounded by positive energies now, so take advantage of it. Laughing

IMPORTANT: If you found my answer helpful, please choose a positive rating like this one Laughing for 'Excellent Service', so I may receive credit from the site for my time and effort in assisting you. Thank you!

Best regards,
Cher
Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 18720
Experience: M.A., B.A., Author, Senior Informational Specialist
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

thanks for your advice..


i just really think he tried to reach out, I just blocked him out by not responding - feel little bad at the same time I have ask my self what is the point to keep in touch?


Im sure he is very busy-


im confused about me.. I don't have a man Ive meet mens- younger


nothing I'm interest in my mind and heart is else where. I don't think I see any potential on any one I've meet- definitely not his partner either..


do explain what you mean by this Cher:) -- little slow huh?lol


 


"You, on the other hand, need to be more involved and loving with your man (whoever he might be in the future); a good work ethic is fine, but to work to the exclusion of your significant other is not a good situation."

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine and you're most welcome; it's my pleasure to be of help to you during this difficult time.

Thanks very much for your positive rating; it is greatly appreciated.

I understand how you're feeling and first of all, you have no reason to feel any guilt over not responding to him. What he has done to you is unforgiveable. While I understand that you would like the companionship of a man, since this is what you were used to, this will take time for you. First you need to heal and get him out of your mind completely. I know this is not easy, but every time you start to feel guilty or think about the good times you had or nice things he had done, then, think about the awful thing he did by moving away and leaving you there by yourself. That should help bring you back to the present, and realize you're finished with him. He put his own wants and needs way above yours, and that is not what a man who loves you, does.

When I said "You, on the other hand, need to be more involved and loving with your man (whoever he might be in the future); a good work ethic is fine, but to work to the exclusion of your significant other is not a good situation.", I meant he moved away to better himself in business and left you there, while you were his wife. Husbands and wives don't work like that; they're a 'team' and make decisions together. My meaning was that you are a different kind of person than he is, deep down inside. You know that you would always put your husband first and not put work first, as he did, when he left to work in another city.

Part of the problem that is making you feel so down right now, is that you're rushing things and trying to meet someone to take his place. This is something that takes time. Don't go out on dates or to parties, etc., with the intention of meeting the man you're going to marry; go with the idea that you're getting out, socializing and seeing what types of men are out there. YOU will make the decision if you want to date someone or just go out on one date for a distraction, to have fun, to forget your troubles. Many people date 'casually', and when you're fresh out of a relationship/marriage, this is what would be a good idea for you. Just go out, go to social functions, etc. not to specifically meet a man, but just to be surrounded by friends/people you can have an intelligent conversation with, talk about things you have in common, etc.

You've told me you're Jewish, so what about finding out what singles groups or functions they hold at the synagogues near you? Also, I'm not a really big proponent of meeting online on dating sites, but I have personally tried (many years ago) JDate.com and even if you just want to find a 'friend' to email with, that's another option. I met some very nice people there, both local and in other states, but you always have to be careful about what information you give out, etc., for your own safety. Don't give any personal information at first, except that you're separated or divorced and just looking for a 'friend' for now, that may lead to a relationship. Don't ever tell your exact location, etc. or your last name, because when you meet someone online, they are a virtual stranger and can tell you anything/be anyone--you have no way of proving they are telling the truth or not. However, this may be a good way to get out of your funk and communicate with some people who are in a similar situation. Oh, also beware of men who say they are separated or divorced, and are really still married. I've come across this quite often. What can I say? Not everyone is honest. I just thought I'd mention this, but if you'd rather not meet anyone online at this time or ever, it's completely understandable.

I wish you a wonderful day and will speak with you again, soon!

Best regards,
Cher
Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 18720
Experience: M.A., B.A., Author, Senior Informational Specialist
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
thank you once again, I spoke to his partner -ex if to say..I'm in a different situation -he wants to be partners with me he also, shared somthing with me -I don't want to say.. I do have 2 more months to work and go to a bigger step - I have not been In contact withy ex what's so ever I went to day for counsel -attorney for you know what :-/ I did not want to twl my ex -I'm just filing he explain tow to share with him when I decide - I dont feel like talking or seeing the sight of him -lately I do think of him. At time I do t even think of him why is that -I'm not bitter I just think less of a person of him not even a man just his selfish then again when he does not want to deal with somthing he just gets rid of it .. gets frustrated .. How ever dispute all I want to go through wih this when I think of him or what I still may feel I do t want to go through wih all this filing etc... When I think of what's best for me or what I should do I'm moving foward doesnt feel right to me -why? Out of Hurt and his actions just want to be done! Doesnt feel right when I think not too its like it tells me don't rush ...why!? What's happening I had a consul -feel
I should even if I'm not ready.. Whys happening why do I feel torn apart?!
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine and you're most welcome.

It's my pleasure to be of help to you during this difficult time.

Thanks very much for your positive rating; I do appreciate it.

You're feeling torn apart because deciding to file for divorce and then doing it, is a gut-wrenching decision. For a person in your position, you feel it's the right thing to do because you are angry at the way he treated you--and for every good reason--yet, you did love him and may still love him. That's why this decision is so difficult. Deciding to file is just the beginning of the procedure, it will take a while for all the paperwork to be done and you will have a chance to change your mind, if you want to, before everything is final; however, your feelings are very normal under the circumstances.

You may feel it is not right for you to be moving forward at this time, because you still have conflicting emotions about him. He did something to you that was not right and hurt you very much. He didn't seem to really care how you felt, he just did it. He didn't discuss it with you first, as most husbands and wives do; he just made the decision and left. To me, this shows little regard for your life together and his feelings for you. I can't tell you to file at this time, or not to file. That has to be your decision, but you have to make that decision based on all the facts in this situation. If it will make it easier for you, take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle, and write 'Pros' on one side and 'Cons' on the other. Make your list of Pros (reasons not to file) and Cons (reasons to file and no longer be married to him) and see which has the most and best reasons for each action. No one is pushing you to do this; it has to be your own decision and when you're ready to do it.

On the other hand, you have some very good news to look forward to in two months, when you will be promoted at work! Congratulations, this is great!

Right now, you need to weigh your pros and cons and decide what's best for YOU. You need to be selfish and put yourself first; I know you're not used to doing this, so it's more difficult for you. When you're ready, you'll make your decision and tell your lawyer to start the process.

You will feel better once you take the first step and know you are doing the right thing for yourself.

Best regards,
Cher
Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 18720
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Good morning Cher...


 


I wanted to thank you for all you have given me advice tips or over support and better understanding .


Im going through a tug war of contacting him or talk. not that i desire too- its just he has always wished me a sheath shalom and reaches out to me yesterday he text early sat telling me shabbath shalom and he can call me sometimes? please..


i have did not respond right away a the end of the eve i said shavua tov.. he said its good to know your alive? how are you..(name)


and I said if I was dead you'll be notify.. I know I was been a bit cynical/ harsh .. he never he responded.


when he first text me although he has not in over a week. i refuse to talk to text back its been a month yesterday was the first time I text.


i don't know if i did the right thing.


i feel like calling to just clear the air.. i don't think there is not much to say- if he has anything more to say then he needs to fly here - over the phone to talk or to who know what to say is not the way I think??


its to fresh to recent I went to meet the legal stuff I mention -- I feel the sooner the better "il feel free from this costar of bottle up emotion and love attachment and i can move forward or own -


I know deep inside I have love for him spite his actions, I don't think he realize his decisions his a different person I knew, I think that he need loved me - I unders through a brief conversation I had with his partner he changes or feeling changed how is that, his partner or friend said his lost and that he is also hurt ny leaving the business on him too


I don't want to sound weak Im I rushing my self - i feel "If you cut the root the the problem is its gone" my metaphor is it safe to text or speak to him? i feel yes and then I feel no.. I can decide at the same time i don't wan to bring com fort to him by reaching back.. what he has don't to be is something i dotn think any woman would accept.


I can't be angry or bitter with him if he does not love me anymore.. thats the way I feel ... I'm letting him go as days go by on my own not based on any other interest, when he reaches it confused me and I don't know how to respond to that so i ignore and stray away shut my emotions. I have greatly suppressed my feelings for him, the man he bahved with me killed does emotions that seem to be special I no longer respect or believe they even existed'


How do I behave and respond to a situation in this manner. I don't get eh support from anyone or his friends that lit early tells me don't talk to him etc.. when he actually confessed he has feeling and how do i feel about him and its crazy but he says will be great together this is a man whom is engaged to my friend a girl i hang out with .. he tells things that are little crazy at the same time he says if that does not happen still want you as my busness partner - it will be great he for ever has this twisted mind etc.. not a bad person just odd. not to share that part I think of my family


I want to cry sometimes all I get is this knot in my throat and i get sad ..


I have not one around me Im still standing how Im i doing this ???? its funny I'm crying as I'm writing to you.. the pain is deep : i really wish from deepest in my heart for all to go away and start fresh for get he exist or more like pretend his dead. all was a bad dream seems fake no genuine feelings play house- he really did not give or treated me as his partner or temp -girlfriend- or toe pass time with


I'm going through a un focused stage I can even bring the passion to exell at work like i use too.. goals have dropped the care i have togo on - i feel like getting on a plane anywhere and escape ..none of this brings me peace and understating how come?


i try to keep my self busy with reading books to keep my smile its only temporary - I do my yes to not think of him - i feel its a big step one month tell yesterday i don't think yesterday was much of a contact just out of curtesy ai wished shabbth in return ..


Cher I feel like I'm driving myself crazy how do I gather my self and this pieces together " I need to be stable balnce Im libra :) if you must know I don't open easily when I did its the fear I feared most - I feel like I need to conquer myself and this its funny I type it came to mind.. I'm just typing easy all this rumble ruckus I don't even know what direction to take in career wise now .. school is expensive.. like to go .. I did tell you I was offered a job in NYC as a buyer for saks next year i meet this people here and great offer i don't know if I want to be there thats where his at .. chicago - I need a changed fro there perhaps i should give it a chance - california is where i wanted to go still do no offers at the moment


i feel any where i go i have to make new friends start fresh old friends are gone married relocated etc.. lost touch family 2 how do i gain all this back when I'm zoo busy making a living and not making a life.. i attempt to its a stretch..


 


excuse me if I'm just going on and on .. i talk to no one.. I look out the window "wonder "


talk soon :/

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine and thanks for your reply.

You're most welcome for the support and advice. I feel very badly that you are going through this difficult time and anything I can do to help is my pleasure.

I understand your constant 'double-guessing' yourself and your decisions/actions. It's very common in your situation. You have a lot to think about and make decisions about.

I agree with you completely, that texting and emailing and not speaking in person or even on the phone, for such important things, is not appropriate; however, I think it would be a mistake to speak with him on the phone because it seems that this will only give him a chance to convince you what he's doing is not wrong and you need to understand this---he will say what a difficult time HE is having and he still cares for you. While I don't doubt that when he says things like he's thinking of you or still loves you/cares for you, he thinks he means it (and I think in some ways he really does), he still goes on with HIS agenda, which is best for himself, and leaves you in your position, to function without him. HE LEFT! That's what you need to keep on reminding yourself. You did not leave, you did not leave the marriage; HE left. He did not leave because you were not a good wife, he left because it was the best thing for HIM. He didn't think of your feelings or how this action on his part, would impact your life, and that makes him a selfish person. You are not a selfish person. You think of others, you don't want to make anyone unhappy, you are a sharing person, whether it's sharing of 'things' for those less fortunate, or feelings, for those you care about. He is selfish, he is not a sharing person.

Texting you yesterday to say Shabbat Shalom was nice of him, but it's also an excuse to make contact. You should be very proud of yourself that you did not give in to temptation and communicate with him for such a long period of time! Texting him back at the end of the day to say Shavua Tov was the 'right' thing to do and he was trying to send 'guilt' when he said 'nice to know you're alive'. I'm glad you answered him in the way you did! Perfect!

I'm not surprised you said you were a Libra, because, yes, you want everything in balance, and you should have everything in balance, but he prevented that for this particular time, throwing you off balance and into a tailspin. I understand most of your anguish comes from not knowing which way to turn or what to do next. However, I think, under the circumstances, you're doing very well! You have a good head on your shoulders and are doing everything right! I'm glad you're going ahead with the legal stuff.

No, you didn't tell me that you were offered a job as buyer at Saks in New York! I think this is great, except for the fact that he is living there (you said was there, but then said something about Chicago?). New York is a big place; you wouldn't necessarily run into him, but I wouldn't use this as an excuse not to take the job. However, if your dream is to move to California, try to get a similar job there, so you're on the opposite side of the country from him. THAT would be a REAL new beginning!

If you have not received any offers from places in CA that you applied to, keep trying. Make a list of all the retail stores in California and send them resumes. In addition to NY, California has so many stores in the big cities.

Consider taking the buying job in NY, if you don't get any other offers; you might love it and get some more experience under your belt and then you can apply to other stores in CA which will make you more desirable after your experience with Saks. Being a buyer with Saks is really a great opportunity, so consider if this feels right for you.

At this time, you need to think of yourself and what you feel is best, XXXXX XXXXX to make your next move. Think things out carefully and make one decision at a time. You will start feeling more organized and balanced as you start making changes in your life and have a future goal (like, perhaps working for Saks) to work toward.

You don't have to feel guilty if you still have some love for him; that is very natural. But, keep thinking about everything he's done to make your life unhappy right now and keep thinking that he's the one that left, which was very unfair of him. Now is the time to concentrate on YOU. It's not selfish to do that. You need to do that. Make a list of all the things you would like to accomplish and cross them off as you accomplish them. This will help to lend a meaningful purpose to your life, now.

Stay strong and continue along the positive path you have found. I think, under the circumstances, you're doing a wonderful job and you will be rewarded with great happiness with another man in a new life, some day!

IMPORTANT: If you found my answer helpful, please choose a positive rating like this one Laughing for 'Excellent Service', so I may receive credit from the site for my time and effort in assisting you. Thank you!

Best regards,
Cher
Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 18720
Experience: M.A., B.A., Author, Senior Informational Specialist
Cher and 104 other General Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hello..


 


I really take your advice vey highly allowes me to view things out side my on mind-


I understand there is no or right way- on this case their is plenty of wrongs on his behave.. I think i may forgive i can continue having anger or bitter sweet feeling it makes me feel moody or sad. perhaps very hard to forget or even trust him or his words it makes it hard to even be a friend or treat him in a friendly manner..


i speak this way only all aim around negative things of his partner things that are a fact. i can say its not true..


unfortunelty i also did understand his partner in which i feel not romantic feeling for is interested in a manner that makes me uncomfortable i can handle the fact on how to place him in his place it makes it harder for me to work here or peruse a busness with him although he advices I do..at the same time i kind of want to share it with my ex.. or husband don't even know how, although i mention to him once in the beginning that as soon as he left is busness partner made a pass and he was furious.


don't think he said anything under the circumstance that I'm still here working..


any how i have to share that i spoke to a good friend of my ex that he meet with recently , and he did not want to share anything with me about what they talk about, what i did say and express about me not speaking etc.. he said that understand your pain - you need to know this man loves you you may not see it I saw it in his eyes and was almost tearing he also shared how much he loves you now that his away from you..he knows he does not know how to even ask to pick you my things and move to him etc..


any how all i responded was its been a month we talked and I'm doing what s best for me - spite his actions I'm still moving forward no need for me to speak to him - his friend who is also mine explain to me to not sound angry and not go against my heart do whats right that he feels theres some hope etc which i necessarily do not believe- i will continue to think this way to move forward i don't want to step one step back. all he said is give him that opportunity if you feel you need to move on than do so but don't just cut him off with out clearing the air or talking -- cher


Im confused


and yes his friend said you should call i said I'm not he said ok don't have pride. stated a proud heart is not true..you should not lie to yourself etc.. i can't tell you what to do or feel- you can't say that he never loved or loves you because he does...i said - not in my book he loves him self before all or me.. if that makes any sense? botXXXXX XXXXXne is i place a call he didn't not answer he text me in the afternoon saying i heard you were looking for


me I've been sick etc. can i call you tonight .. i said sure.


 


i know it was not the best decision I know sooner or later we were going to speak- theres are things that tie us.. i was just going to send papers regardless I'm still going to that i will not diescuss i just things what is that purpose he need to speak etc.. i can do with out.. i have this felling like i don't care... why ? it brings this satisfaction to my heart and mind to hear that yes he has feelings - I as a woman person feel you can say what ever your actions and how you speak to me are totally different i ignore and not make him or us my priority


I don't want to go back wards i think I am at the same time i read something in my horoscope today that trigger me said i live my life vicariously though my partner but today you come to a realization this isn healthy for me you realize you gave more of yourself than you getting back and it drains you and you energy in fact you are completely out be selfish today you need to do something for you its about time!


 


any how talk soon

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine and thanks for requesting me. Also, thanks for your patience.

I'm sorry you feel so torn, but am glad you are sticking to your original plans.

Your horoscope was very fitting for today and I agree with it 100%. I've been reminding you that you must do what's best for yourself after making decisions that help you feel more in control and knowing what will make you happy. It is not a happy thing--divorce--but he really left you no choice.

I don't doubt that he's telling his friends that he still loves you; on some level he does. However, he did not consult you regarding his decision to leave and move to NY and a loving spouse does not just pick up and leave and say 'I had to, for business reasons'. There is no excuse for his behavior and husbands and wives make decisions together, that will affect their lives.

I think it's pretty sleazy of his partner to be making moves on you, under the circumstances. You are right to reject his advances and tell him to stop, it's not right. You will not lose your job and you don't have to fear that. What he's doing is sexual harassment and against the law. He may have good intentions and think he is 'helping' you after your husband left, but if you're not interested, and made that known, he shouldn't be bothering you.

I'm glad that you decided you're not going to move backwards, but only forward. This is what you need and the path you are on now is so good for you. It is a positive path and you are doing things which will make your life better.

Please let me know what happens when you speak with him on the phone.

Best regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
what can I can it went they way it should perhaps - he did say much in the last 5 days we actually talk on Sunday and it as deep - I said to him regarding the marriage and separation he said that it's too soon I said tell me one reason why we should stay Married he could. It say one and he said to me I know what you want me to say and you already know I don't need to tell you - he said his dealing with himself he saw himself being destroyed-and that it was. It going anywhere to a good place. Etc.. he began to cry as so was I all of this is pain ful-I did. Of for once heard him tell me come and this is how I feel or I want his or allow myself to establish myself etc.. He did not fight for me how can you say you still love me or left without having feeling when you can just move on with your life I ask myself those that make any sense - I said let me live my life sign his things etc.. He explain to me if this will perhaps have a dent in his process etc I said if that is what your concern about you don't need me. For this you can. Continue. He said he does. It care for it etc.. He said I should give it sometime -duri g this conversation. A lot of things where with talked about such as me quit becouse his partner may be difficult etc.. With me -further mor eye tried to kiss me.. The excuse was he was drinking he has feeling -etc all of this with break up etc it's just too much to handle figuring out what my next step is .. Waitng on this holiday to end to see where I will be next my ex tries to support he hears every thing he they. Both know that I shared this things I dont speak or share with anyone what I'm going through and know I shared it with
My ex an his partner -tells me why would I even share this things wih him he does not care he left you and living his life if he cared he would be here with you. Understand the only one that cares is me he does not he cars about what his status etc his life no else else he abodaned the Busness in the busy time holiday I'm broken and crush -think of all I don't want to believe it it's been 4 months from our separations I do r know even if it's earthy to speak to my ex or to even not have any contact I want to end all -my heart feels diffent and my mind does too my ex ha not confronted his partner about all of this he will tomrww his keeper it to himself he sound and shares wih me his furious etc - Ive been drinking a little I confess I feel it's like a escape to not think of any thing Cher I have so much to tell I don't want to continue rehashing I'm letting free I want o have this docs take. Care of perhaps it's not the time what really is the time. I feel I should. Not becouse feelings -it's the only way to live free please help me I feel brokn can't seem to pick up the pieces and torn - by what one person says the. What my ex feels and expresses and the actions I see from him and the words he shares with me :(
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine and thanks for requesting me.

I'm sorry you're feeling so unhappy and confused. I understand where this is coming from and you need to think about all the reasons that it would be in your best interest to divorce your husband and all the reasons why it would not be a good move at this time. After what you just related about him, it doesn't sound like much has changed, except he seems to be a little sorrier about leaving you. However, the unwanted advances from his partner are completely unacceptable, and you need to tell him (the partner) so. He's trying to turn you more against your husband for several reasons. First, he's angry that he left the business at a busy time and also, he wants to get you riled up and more angry at him so you'll leave him for good, giving him (the partner) a chance with you. You're not interested in the partner at all and I wouldn't take anything he said seriously. He's just trying to make your husband sound like a worse person than he is. Oh yes, he did things to you that shouldn't be forgiven--like leaving--but YOU know why you are separated and why you want a divorce; you don't need the partner adding fuel to the fire and making you more angry with your husband. It's actually none of his business and you need to tell him so, and also tell him you're not interested in him and if he doesn't stop bothering you, you will file a sexual harassment suit against him. You are troubled and can't make up your mind right now, and you don't need him complicating things for you at this time.

From your telephone conversation, it sounds like your ex is 'trying' to explain what he did and why he did it, but the fact remains that he still left you to move and pursue business elsewhere without first discussing it with you. I understand why you want to have the documents taken care of and get it over with, but if you have any doubts, hold off for a short while and look at things from another perspective when you have not been drinking and have not just spoken to your ex. You must think with a clear mind and make a decision that is best for you.

Are you still considering taking that buyer's job in NY? When do you have to let them know? As I mentioned in the past, don't let him living there, prevent you from fulfilling a dream, if you want to be a buyer for Saks and live in NY. You don't have to see him at all, if you don't want to. If you feel there's any way you might get back together, you always have the option of initiating contact.

I agree that having the documents taken care of is a way for you to live free and this may be what you really want, but wait until you're thinking more clearly to make that decision. I know drinking is a form of escape, but don't get yourself into a bad habit that you might have trouble breaking. You can deal with this in a level-headed, clearminded way. You don't need to drink. You know what you want and you will decide to do what's best for you. I think you've already decided what is best for you, but you keep second-guessing yourself. You're the only one who can decide if you want this divorce or not and you certainly have more than enough supporting evidence to rationalize your decision. If you're not 100% sure, give it more time and then you will decide definitely, what you want to do, and feel it is the right decision.

Take a day or two to clear your head and I think you'll see things for what they are and you will be able to make the best decision for yourself and feel confident about it.

IMPORTANT: If you found my answer helpful, please choose a positive rating like this one Laughing for 'Excellent Service', so I may receive credit from the site for my time and effort in assisting you. Thank you!

Best regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hello Cher ..


 


its been a while we chatted.. Im doing okay .. not the creates i stopped seeing my therapist about a month ago.. i did none see it help as much as my own therapy..


it has been emotional roller cooster.. as much as you have told me not to speak to my ex.. its not as easy .. when I'm dealing with his partner .. this may be my last year with this business. I want and need change i did not take the position in NYC I'm still resign and have two more month here where I'm living .. i figured I wait till christmas is over to get a clear head,, i don't want to go back where i came from i want to follow my passion in retail busness as an entrpenuer.as a buyer and more - my ex know about the job there - he said its a big place to not think about him etc,, i don't want to move somewhere where he is at i feel like I'm folioing him or want to be where he is.. its nothing of that nature its just this is where the opportunities are leaning too..


i don't feel alone- as a partner yes when it comes to spiritual I have G.. and my ex an I have talk his so confused with his now life etc.. that i ask him to sign for this papers he can take of it I'm not going to due to him leaving me and moving away I think is the right right not what i feel to do .. my feeling - seem to have a hope at the same time i have to live my life my thinking and our conversation don't seem to have hope .. I'm very confuse i had a serious conversation with him yesterday he want to talk about the holidays not now.. i have to say I am married and i need to say that he- i said to hi i did him a favor etc.. by marrying him not a topic i care to discuss all this process eh may continue with out me .. - i for tof hate what he did to me and did tell him i sort of hate him too.. i said if he is seeing others women or dated his entitle to do so .. we are not together i for told him i have not been with any one now that i seen pictures in his Facebook he seems happy when he tell me he really is not all he does is work .. he encourage me to not stay here any longer i dotn know where else to go .. s ling as i have a job here until i find something else.. feel torn


but nt once has he say he let see what happen i feel like he wants to keep me there and live this life he has not experice bachelor life and he said he does not think we should file or do this but if its what i feel hell do it .. its my decisions . but when i say I'm sending it he gets all emotional or does not want to continue and why the rush but the way he needs documents form me for his process -- but her can continue with out me in the picture.. he does not tell me how he feels for why he left i said if you where with me for your legal status you should of told me he does not admit.. and i try to believe its not ... but at the same time he would not stay with me for over two years 3 1/2 for that


i don't want to date around i want to be happy and free - more of no strings attached not because i don't love him but because i want peace in my heart - he tells e he hates what I'm going through breaks his heart - i feel that his waiting he said he want to think about his life after this christmas and we can talk i said it makes no difference since his already gon and moving forward,


what do you think he wasn't to talk about i mean his not with me he left and does not even say he loves me - and tells me what good are this words to say its not much easier.. he tells he left his world ad life with me ,, i feel like i should sleep or date others to for get his like i said to him obviously his doing it. Im so hurt and broken - feel lost at times learning this lesson...how can i just for get him and move on how? can you take a love that is deep within you even after you accept their choice ..


 

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine!

Yes, it has been a while. I hope you had a Happy Chanukah!

I think he's very confused because he does still have feelings for you and is sorry he's hurting you with his actions (past and present), but a selfish part of him tells him to continue doing what he's doing, if it's successful financially and makes him happy.

This is all part of what's causing your angst and emotional upset. I know it's been a roller coaster for you, but I'm so glad to hear that you don't want to be tied down to a man right now, but enjoy your freedom and be in charge of your own happiness. I understand you not wanting to move to NY, but that Buyer's job at Saks sounded ideal. If you feel there's something else you'd rather do, you must pursue your dreams and put yourself first, for the first time in a long time!

I feel if you did move to NY, where there is so much more opportunity in your field (although, demasiado competition, too), you would be happy there, but I also understand that you don't want him to feel like you're following him and you might not be happy living in the same city as him.

I have done a Tarot reading for you and pulled the Queen of Pentacles card. This is so appropriate for you. The Queen of Pentacles is a financially secure and savvy business woman who is always successful in her field. She has enough love and patience to work tirelessly, yet still have time for her family. Her nature is very generous and sometimes, due to that, she may be taken advantage of, but she will bounce back because she is resilient and doesn't let anything get in the way of realizing her career dreams.

I think this is a wonderfully positive card and reading for you and your situation. This is the type of woman you are and you will always use your talents to the fullest extent, to succeed in business and love what you do.

I think you are very smart to wait until after the holidays and New Year and then decide where you would like your life to go. If you don't want to move to NYC, choose another location and check out jobs in your field. I don't see you getting back together with your husband. His heart is not in it. If he told you he only married you to stay in the country, that was pretty low and hurtful, and I completely agree with you, that you don't stay with someone for 3½ years for just that reason. I'm sure he loved you and just picked up and moved because it's what suited him at the time and he was selfish and didn't consider your feelings at all. This is unforgivable.

You need to establish yourself in a new job in a new city and once you feel settled, you will start feeling like you want to date again. You WILL find someone who truly loves you for you and is your equal in intelligence, drive and emotional warmth. Don't rush anything right now, but look forward to making a change and relish it!

If you have any additional questions or concerns, please click 'Reply to Expert' before rating, direct your reply to me, "Cher", and I will be glad to continue our conversation.



Please rate with positive feedback (Laughing) when you are satisfied with my answer. Thanks very much! Your satisfaction is always my greatest priority and my only goal is to provide you with Excellent Service!

~~If you wish to request me for a new question in the future, simply type "For Cher' to begin your post and I will answer asap!~~



Best regards XXXXX XXXXX Holidays,
Cher

Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Are you saying i should continue to persue the NYC even if his there ? due to the type of woman i am .. you may see somethings i may not see -- i feel that is what it is his heart is not in it.. he does not feel it or like he said he got scared . did not know what else to give - he told me i knew what the meaing of ' saying i love you meant that I'm the one person that does.. i just don't understand why he wants time to dissolve the marriage.. do you see in the tarots that we are not getting back to together because his heart is in his career and freedom? is there another woman in his mind or life.. perhaps this will help me get over faster.. i just don't understand why he wants to wait after holidays too.. i think he just feel out of love how he was with me.. and does not know how sustain the emotion - he is a leo.. and I'm a libra... we are suppose to be a great match. thats astrology ask its generalize .. its very hurtful to know or accept his current feelings and to know his heart is not there.. at this point there are friends i have male whom are interested .. I'm not - i think one is extremely cute - the age .. his younger .. and as for others his attorney and talked about marige and family that spooked me I'm not ready for it till three years from now perhaps even 5 .. I'm going to harvest my eggs;)


 


thank you its hurtful to hear his heart is not it - but when it boils down to confronting us being together or not his totally confused does not know what he wants and leaves it to me.. he will not do it...unless i insist


 


wonder if moving to NYC is the right things to do and not chicago .. i feel i need change .. although his there.. and family is in chi.. i don't feel passion or drive to move to chicago .. i feel NYC has been calling me .. i see in on tshirt people i talk too.. car plates.. in the last few months is all I see..


i have to say something.this young guy that I'm friends with close - i mention i may leave he said why I'm I leaving him? men are distant at the same time odd why is that?


should i be concern about this man.. younger than me or any men now.. my heart is shut - but I'm open to getting to know someone i don't want to base my decision on a potential relationship.. please advice me i feel tone and confuse my self - my heart is elsewhere as you know - my mind and body is somewhere else and torn between my following my passion and career and happiness..


 

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine and thanks very much for your reply and for your Excellent rating. I appreciate it!

As you know, I can't make up your mind for you; I can only advise. What I'm saying about NY is, don't allow the fact that he is living there prevent you from following your dream to live and work there. If you were offered that job as a Buyer at Saks, isn't that a once in a lifetime opportunity for someone in your line of work? Feeling that you're seeing 'signs' leading you toward NY can be significant, too. I definitely believe in 'signs'. However, you need to decide where you will be happiest. If your family is in Chicago and let's face it, it's also a major city, you should have no trouble finding a job and feeling all alone where you are now, being surrounded by family is important. But, Chicago and NY are close enough that you could travel home to see family if you took the job in NY.

I'm just saying that you shouldn't let him living there, prevent you from deciding to move there. It's a small island, but a big city and the chances that you'd meet by accident are minimal. However, if it happens, so be it.

He's confused and making YOU confused. You sound like you know what you want and have laid out a plan for yourself and that is very good! You can't allow his actions or words to dictate what you do and where you go. If you feel you will never remain married to him, you will have to chalk this up to a 'life experience', learn from it, and move on with your life.

If other men are interested in you, but you're not 'feeling' it, don't push yourself. However, perhaps allowing yourself to feel something for someone new who is showing you attention will be good for your ego and your soul, right now. The younger guy who showed interest in you said that because he doesn't want you to leave. Most men ARE distant and odd and difficult to figure out. If you want to have 'fun' and not be in a relationship, decide what you want to do with this younger, cute guy. Have a 'fling', if you feel it's right for you. Make sure he knows it's nothing serious, as you might be moving out of state.

You don't have to be torn between following your passion and career and happiness. They are one in the same. At this point, I think your career comes first. Then, you can concentrate on dating and when you feel the time is right in your 'new' life, you can decide you are ready for a relationship. Nothing is ever written in stone. You make your own destiny and sometimes, 'signs' lead you there. I'm a firm believer in that. But, as I mentioned, take these next few weeks until the beginning of the new year to analyze your life and your position and you'll make some important decisions about what to do with your future.

Don't get involved with his attorney, and if you are not interested in marriage or children for at least 3-5 years, I'm not surprised it spooked you when he mentioned that! Harvesting your eggs is a good idea! See how smart you are and you plan ahead! Laughing

If your husband can't tell you what he wants to do and insists you make the decision, that's a cop-out. He's putting it all on you and that's not fair. He started this whole thing by leaving without regard to how it would affect you. Keep that in mind........I can do another reading for him tomorrow, as it is late for me now and I have to sign offline, but I will get back to you tomorrow after I pull a card for him and let you know the results.

Have a great night!

Best regards,
Cher

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for everything you are an amazing woman - I realize that is up to me to be ready to let gonand move on its not easy when Indont get straight answers from his behave - I'm thinking of leaving it alone for the next 2 weeks not think of him- or my feelng I know I have to deal with it and I have not I'm not ready I want I force my self to forget I can I may forgive I don't know how to let to of this love I have remaining - I'm exhausted mentally emotionally and physically broke down crying thinking about what happen with his feelngs I really want to forget him it's not easy I don want the feelng of hope I feel that is why I feel this way- I need to clear my mind and heart I don't know how:( it's this big love I have how can I have love for a person that left -or say me or abandon dump etc i feel like taking 3 steps forward and 2 steps back:/ I will take the offer in saks when the next one comes Indont care to be married or not to live my life I now I'm stressing myself out. About this I feel not to -my mind tells me to do it. it's an expensive dissolution of marriage Indont want to take at this momment -!indont even think hat by doing a tarot reading on him will help -realizing he does not care only for himself and his life career success does not love me he way I think he may or tells me I'm very confused I need and want to think of me and my feelings it's hard to manage that when there's love on my part
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.

Hi again, Jasmine and you're most welcome.

It's my pleasure to be of help to you in this difficult situation.

I really feel your pain and wish there were something I could do to minimize it for you, but you have to make your own decisions and it sounds like you have decided some things already, so that's a move in positive direction.

I know how much it hurts to think about what he did to you and he did hurt you and was selfish, only thinking about himself and his career, but when you are in a partnership with a wife, that is not the proper way to think/behave. When you are married, you are a team and he should have discussed this move with you and not just taken off and left. If the dissolution of marriage will be expensive, let it sit for a while. You're separated and don't have to divorce right away, if this is not what you want right now and/or don't know when you want to follow through with this. There's no rush.

I agree with you, that right now, you have to concentrate on YOU and put YOUR needs ahead of anyone else's. You have to make decisions that will be best for you and make you happier. This is how you will clear your mind and your heart!

I understand that there is still love on your part, but when you think about all the things he did to you (and you listed them), your love may not diminish completely but your 'like' of him as a person has to decrease. He was not nice; he did not treat you the way you deserved to be treated. He put his needs ahead of your needs, as a married couple. When you married him you loved him; that doesn't just disappear in an instant. It will take time. However, now is the time to concentrate on doing what makes you feel fulfilled in your career and in your life, so push him out of your mind so you are not confused and can have a clear head to think about your next moves. What you decide to do will be very important and impact your future, so give it some good thought and always end up asking yourself, 'is this best for ME?' and don't feel guilty about that. You deserve whatever will make you happy as a person, a woman, and in your career.

So, you're starting a new life and doing what's best for yourself. You will see how much lighter your mind feels and your emotions will start feeling more happy and you will feel surrounded by positive energy because you are not being selfish, but you are doing what is the best for YOU, to start a new chapter in your life.

All you have to do is make up your mind to travel on a positive path for yourself and don't even communicate with him that often. When you do, it will bring you down and you need to be 'up' right now, while you're planning your future. You are not thinking about any men right now, but when the time is right, you will meet someone who will appreciate all your beauty inside and out, and you will feel happy and contented with this person.

Just keep reminding yourself that you deserve better, and you're going to seek it, find it, and fulfill your dreams.

Stay strong! I know you can do this!

Best regards,
Cher

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Late after Christmas Day my ex call me and text me I have responded he saying I know you notice my call wan to wish you a merry Christmas - I have not will not respond , today yesterday feel like -you left this what you wanted and I should not have to talk to you(him) I'm in mood that I don't care if he signs or it comes from him to file and sign - I don't have it fee concern or worried about that now :/ I feel the feelings are diminishing with his actions base on that I'm seeing more of what I want - right now is not him (us) perhaps - 30% Jusy seeing mor e how he treats me or what us were.. I'm viewing it as his moved on the day he left even if he said he has not -- feeling cold with no feelings not caring what he may feel or do why I'm I feeling this way ?im feeling selective with the man I want in my life..
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

You have every right to feel selective with the man you want in your life; it's YOUR life!

You are absolutely right to feel that the day he moved on was the day he left; he didn't just leave a job, he left you. He hurt you by his actions and never apologized or promised to come back or try to make the situation better. This is not how a husband treats a wife. You're right that you should not feel you have to talk to him or communicate with him after what he did. If you don't care if he files first and you get papers to sign or vice versa, that's up to you. I'm not a lawyer so I can't advise you on that, but you've investigated and know what's best for you financially.

You're feeling cold with no feelings at all at this point, because he's put you through so much and caused you so much stress and worry about this whole thing. What he did was wrong, and he knows it was wrong. However, he's not doing anything to make it better/fix it. You have every right to your feelings; he hurt you by his actions and now you have to do what you feel is best for yourself. If you don't feel like talking to him or texting him back if he texts you, so be it. It's your choice and no one can force you to respond if you choose not to.

Try to keep telling yourself you deserve much better and you will find a man who treats you the way you deserve to be treated; much better than this! I know you're going through an incredibly difficult time, but try to surround yourself with positive energies and renewed hope for the new year. Things will get better, I promise you!

Best regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Cher


 


I rather email you and talk rather than to make the decision on calling - he called me again left a msg saying how Im I how is everything going, how things went so far i know its been a week and half or we don't need to disappear like this its a good time to talk hopefully you can pick up the call and do me a favor we are not finish it sounded like (or shabbth shalom why on a mid week you only say that on a friday, I don't want to talk to him i have nothings to say anymore, i don't want to sound repeated, or feel this hurt - finally i admitn he hurt me which i did not ever admit to myself .. i can't see him the way i saw him before. I'm looking at the good things - just his actions smear all - I'm a strong believer on the good of a person - over all I'm starting to see what hurt he caused me and how much stress and agony i felt , together with a mix of emotions and the dealing of work etc..im not in the best spot i know


 


he confuses me- my mind is set that I'm moving on forward to not think of someone that leaves another person .. my interest is wearing out with him - there is none life before its hard to explain - I'm a little scared because once i stop to feel or see the bad I just really don't thing of the person anymore.. i don't want to second guess when he calles and want two talk its just feels like second guess or that he feels something or hope -- I don't want to know anymore.. what he feels or wants - i want to think of me I'm not the one that left or ended it. if that makes any sense. i realize that even if there was a man offering me marriage and kids etc.. which is just what I expericing now with the attorney I want to do me.. reach my passion and career or love .. even if I've encounter a liking of a guy that is younger which i have they don't have anything i want - blouse i have not allowed myself to know them or peruse them -- i keep it in a friendship level - even if a physical matter happens i don't even know if its right or wrong because i was left it did not come from me - i have this morals that i think of feelings and marriage or the love of one another or respect..maybe I'm just confused and i don't want to be involve with someone to fill the empty or just to be with them..


 


why do I feel this way?


 

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi Jasmine,

Just wanted to let you know that I'm here and have received your question and am reading it now, so I will be sending you an answer shortly......Stay online if you can......Thanks.

Cher
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine and thanks for your patience.

You feel the way you do because you are in 'limbo'. You're not officially (legally?) separated or divorced, he continues to try to communicate you which just makes you more upset and confused and you don't feel it's right to be with another man now because you are technically still married.

You are being too rough on yourself, but I feel from what you have said here, that you are starting to realize that you did nothing wrong, he did the leaving, you need to cope with the current situation, make a decision (I assume, to end it), go through that process and then you will fee happier, more free, and able to move on with your life.

You are torturing yourself trying to understand why this happened, why he did the leaving, and why you are in the situation you are in now. This is a very common reaction from someone in your position. What you must continue to keep in your mind is that you did not contribute anything to cause his actions........this is ALL him, which I think you did mention earlier. Once you convince yourself of that, you will have an easier time accepting what your next move must be, to take back your life and take back your happiness.

Once this is done, in your mind AND physically----the wheels are set in motion for a legal separation and/or divorce, you will feel more relieved that you not only made the decision, but that it was the right one to make to save YOUR happiness in this life. You can't move on until you know he's officially out of your life. What he has done to you is unthinkable, unfair and undeserved. You have to make up your mind to take back your life and start over. Don't think about meeting other men, now. That will come, soon enough. Right now, concentrate on how you can make the situation better for YOU, and I believe you know that the only way is to be divorced from him.

I have read into your energies and feel the confusion and negativities surrounding you. Once you make this decision and proceed with your plans, that veil of negativity and confusion will life and positive energies and clarity will take their place.

Best regards,
Cher
Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

shabbath shalom Cher...


 


hope you had a nice kidush;)


i share things with yo i have no else to share them with I'm feeling now i don't want to talk to him - I'm not trying to force him to fly to me.. at this point i have nothing else to say to him only that he made a choice, he hurt bme deeply- I've reached a poit if he wants to come to final legal separation do dissolve this let it come from him - ill sign with no doubt not saying gladly with no quarrel.. he text me the following i don't know what is it he wants from me.. i have not spoken to him for one a week an half a or more .. i don't have any desire to speak over the phone -- I've come to an understating with myself he wants to talk he can fly here .. even then i don't even want to see him he can't take his things i have put away in my place in storage and let it be it.. i dnt want to read between the line what he text i have no power for it... sincerely XXXXX XXXXX i have not need or want


to do sooo can you advice me .. i see to not have emotion or energy for it.. seems like i dot care any longer to know what he feels deep inside i do care - just how things have been or what i have gone through make me think different ...


this is what was sent today..


 


Shabath shalom Jazz.
I feel you.
I respect what you are trying to do.
I believe we should talk Just to get things straight. You know It cant continue like this. I have a lot for you and it shouldn't be like this between us. Not ever.
we worth more than just have things like the way they are now.
You ate dear to me. Always have always will be.
Hopefully you can give me a call after all.
Shabath shalom Jazz.

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.

Hi again, Jasmine and Shabbat Shalom to you too!

Thanks very much for your positive rating; it is greatly appreciated.

I understand completely where you're coming from and you have every reason to feel this way. I'm glad that I can be there to listen to you and help advise you when you have no one else to turn to in this matter.

What you included, he sent to you, today, right? He's trying to keep the marriage together and keep what you had, alive, but it seems that he caused you to abandon that hope the day that he abandoned you, unfortunately.

You can tell him that you appreciate what he said and you know it's from the heart, but he's the one who decided to leave and that leaves you no choice but to live separate lives, now. It's not something you've 'chosen' to do; it's something he forced you to do, because of the past actions he's taken.

He doesn't seem to want to take any responsibility for what has happened and he's the one that caused the situation. I understand you being tired of all of it and just wanting it to end. It's taken so much out of you emotionally and physically and I feel that you are making the best choice for yourself to end it, once and for all. Whether you file or he files, there are advantages and disadvantages, as far as I've heard, but I'm not a lawyer so I can't comment on that. However, if you leave it up to him, he may never file, so think about that and talk it over with your attorney to see what's best for you.

You don't have to respond to what he sent if you don't feel like it, right now, or ever. If you do want to write down your feelings and tell him, that's fine and it might give you closure. Or, you don't have to write your feelings, as you've already discussed this with him quite a few times, and you can choose to just write him a very non-emotional response telling him basically, 'we've been there, done that, and nothing has changed.' Of course, the ultimate decision is yours, but in order to not be hurt any more, you seem to need to break from him so you can move on with your life to happier and better things for yourself. I feel that once you do that, more positive energies will surround you and you will not feel as negative and down about yourself; you will begin to live again and eventually find new love. Not right away, but eventually. It's what you deserve.

I wanted to let you know that for your next reply to me, you will need to open a new, separate question, to my attention (begin your post with "For Cher"), and you can post it right here in my 'Ask a Question' Box under my picture: http://www.justanswer.com/general/expert-Cher/

Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX it! : )

Best regards,
Cher

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hello Cher here it is I don't want to call him or talk to him -I have nothing more to express or say as said befor been here done that said what we/I -I as talking to a girlfriend of mine and its funny they are the same sign Leo and she said perhaps I should just call and see what he wants -let him know been there done that.
I just don't feel comfortable talking what is there to say to make it better nothing -I will agree I he decide to sign at this mommt it does not matter to me eventually it's going to happen I accept it. I have no desire to be in this relationship or contine in this marriage I deserve more and better
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

I understand what your saying, completely, and if you feel you have said it all and expressed what you are feeling, to him, there is absolutely no reason to continue communications with him. Every time you speak to him (whether by text or phone, etc.) you always end up feeling more sad and it's only more obvious to you that he left without any regard to your feelings. Speaking to him will not change your feelings at this time and will only upset you further, so I agree that this is the best decision for you. You DO deserve better and I have told you this many times in the past. You deserve a man who will treat you the way you need and want to be treated; a man who will value all your wonderful qualities, caring and warmth.

You have not been appreciated as a person or a wife, by your husband and his deeds and words have proven this.

If you have no more desire to continue in this relationship/marriage, then either you need to take the next step with a separation/divorce or wait for him to file; you need to decide what will be in your best interest.

I'm glad you have come to this decision and are being intelligent and strong about it. You definitely deserve better and once this marriage is dissolved, you will be able to live your life happily, with a man who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. You will know only love, not emotional pain.

Leos can be be very vain, domineering and independent, but they need someone to control and someone to admire them and appreciate them. His decision to leave was very controlling and he sees nothing wrong with it.


If you have any additional questions or concerns, please click 'Reply to Expert' before rating, direct your reply to me, "Cher", and I will be glad to continue our conversation.


Please rate with positive feedback (Laughing) when you are satisfied with my answer. Thanks very much! Your satisfaction is always my greatest priority and my only goal is to provide you with Excellent Service!

~~If you wish to request me for a new question in the future, simply type "For Cher' to begin your post and I will answer asap!~~


Best regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
If I call now those it make a difference ?! I mean what's there to say to him.. He made his choice - his bed now lay in it... I don't know why now this instant I feel that I should call to clear the air..before it was like he wants to talk we should in person.. Would that make a difference as well? I may call later in the eveining is that a right decesion ? I'm second guessing - I feel that he will Bevin control, that's not the case, is just clarity that should be done now or later which is not going to make a difrnce what do you advice althought it's my decesion - feel a little nervous I don't know what to say or feel I'm numb. Like a wall
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.

Hi again, Jasmine.

I feel what a toll this is taking on you and I'm so sorry you are feeling numb, like devoid of emotion. He's drained it out of you.......

In answer to your questions, no, I don't think calling him now will make a difference in the situation. There's not much left to say because he did make the choice to leave. However, I do think that if you're thinking of calling him later in the evening only to make yourself feel better, bring clarity to the situation and closure for yourself, then it is a good idea.

If you do call him, you have to get out everything you want to say so that you know that the situation is closed and tell him there will be no more communication after this, because it's futile. He cannot undo what he has done, which hurt you terribly and you never deserved this kind of treatment--you deserved much better. He broke your heart and only thought of himself, which was selfish. You can't abide such selfishness, which you didn't think he was ever capable of.

Make sure he knows, when you hang up, that this is the end of your communication, as nothing further can be accomplished and nothing else can be said which will change anything.

If he starts getting all 'mushy' and saying, but I love you, etc., don't allow him to continue. Tell him people who love each other don't treat their spouses in this way. You're finished/it's over. You made the choice and you made your bed, now you're lying in it.

Please let me know how it goes if/when you call and BE STRONG! I know it's difficult, and you will be nervous, but you can do it. You have to do it so you can go on with your life and stop being hurt by him. Keep telling yourself that! Your deserve better! And, you deserve an end to this unhappiness.

If you have any additional questions or concerns, please click 'Reply to Expert' before rating, direct your reply to me, "Cher", and I will be glad to continue our conversation.


Please rate with positive feedback (Laughing) when you are satisfied with my answer. Thanks very much! Your satisfaction is always my greatest priority and my only goal is to provide you with Excellent Service!

~~If you wish to request me for a new question in the future, simply type "For Cher' to begin your post and I will answer asap!~~


Best regards,
Cher

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I called but no answer I have responded to him texts .. Once is enough.. If he did not answer ..oh well. Perhaps wen better
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine and thanks for your update.

I'm sorry there was no answer when you called. I'm sure you 'prepared' yourself for the call and then were disappointed. If you responded to his texts, then you got your point across, I'm sure.

I agree, maybe it's for the better that he wasn't home or didn't answer and you texted!

Best regards,
Cher

Let me know if he calls or texts again. Thanks!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I mean I did not respond to any of his text - I called him once that's enough. I know that I'm not in the mood to talk why is that I should tell him all I have mentioned to him in the past all the hurt emotional stress I think -feel reiterate what was said is redundant I'm going to let him do the talking first see what It is he has to say that differents or the same -not to even understand his way of feeling or thinking, I'm honking what I have and continue feeling experiencing the sign of lost love or disappoint, giving Your 150% in diffrent way - thats if he Calls doubt it its late
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

Sorry, you had mistyped, so it looked like you responded to his texts. So much the better!

Your plan is a good one and you're right, everything you've already said to him and him to you, is redundant, so why bother repeating it again. Yes, if he calls, see what he has to say and if he's 'playing the same old tune', tell him you've heard it all already and you're done. You have to put an end to the hurting.

Best regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hello - I'm feelin really bummed out.. Emotional today.. I have to say that we had a talk which was not different than any other one.. I did most of the ending of as you mention the communication his actions when you love a persons or have a partner you don treat them that way .. I ask why does he want o co tinier he communication her ways becouse he cares.. I said somthing like ohh care like care other people friends oh that's not possible I do not want it -you actually think that through all the emotions stress I have been through that's possible I said to him this is our last communication due to not making thugs better or having clearity or change this cannot continue he said why I'm I saying that -in out conversation I ask what does he want from me he said everything I want I can't have with you -becouse where diffent meaning as bdwhat he said just everything you have experience more and li we come we can't relate etc i said to him stop just tell me you don love me enough to be with me or I'm not the one you choose etc.. To be more honest if its his family - that fact that I have a daughter that I had a you g Age does not make me diffent you knew all of this before we got involved and if that Ty want to be bachelor live a single life or choose to want to experience this with a person who has not experience is just like oh fresh etc he said its not what I want his dealing with his emotions too its very hard for him -Cher I'm soo hurt and this pain is unbareble I'm so down - we finish with no solution the same as. It does not help since he needs acess to his phone line t hats is in my name I'm suppose to talk with him today about that he knows how much he hurt me he said is not his intentions the fact that I'm American Jewish with mixes parents dads is Christian etc i think about soo many things khaver been dis own by my parents -was in a physical abusive and mental relationship there is so much to me and he knows everything's I don't know what to think anymore Ishay he said keeps playing in my head " wants everything he knows he can't have with me why is it so impossible for him to see that -all I have been Os supportive in our relationship he also ask me if I doubt his love for me whe. We where together I said yes I do due to his actions now I sense a disconnection I always was the one to come to him about it he would cry etc.. Why is he doing this to me -how can he say cares .. Or did love when tighter and can't see beyond that why I'm I'm toe hearing myself this way when he clearly said he does not see future or a thing still expects for me to stay as his friends why is he being his way confuse or confusing me
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

Thanks so much for your patience, as I was offline when you posted.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down after your conversation with him.

If he says he does not see a future for the two of you, in marriage, and cannot really give you an explanation (or a satisfactory explanation) of why he still wants to communicate like 'friends', but indicates he no longer wants to be married to you, it IS very confusing because HE'S confused and you really don't have to be doing this to yourself.

The decision is going to be up to you to decide if you want to go on like this, which, unfortunately, is really taking an emotional toll on you, or if you want to no longer be married to him. Husbands and wives who are married do not spend time living apart by choice, unless unique circumstances dictate that. He left, without explanation or advance notice or discussing this with you, and said it was for business. There is something very wrong with that action.

I've done a new reading for you and it indicates that you need to make a decision and do what's best for YOU. Until you do that, you will continue to be torn and emotionally unhappy, not knowing what the future of this marriage holds for you. Right now, for all intents and purposes, it is NOT a marriage. I understand how difficult it is for you to make the decision to end it, but you know what is best for you and you will have to make the decision at some point, soon.

You will feel less stressed and less bummed out, once you make a decision which will lead you to a road of happiness where you won't have to think about this every moment of every day. You can either make the decision to end the marriage or ask him for a definite answer to this question: Do you want to continue this marriage and live together or not? If he can't give you an answer, you know what you have to do, and it seems that you've asked this question in the past and he is unable to answer it. If he truly loved you and wanted to continue to be married, he'd know the answer and give it to you immediately.

For the time being, you need to feel your positive energies and draw upon them. Everything will work out well for you, but you need to stay strong and positive (I know, under the circumstances, it's not easy) and decide on the positive path your life will take from now on.

My best thoughts and prayers are with you, Jasmine!

If you have any additional questions or concerns, please click 'Reply to Expert', direct your reply to me, "Cher", and I will be glad to continue our conversation.


Please rate with positive feedback (a smiley face) when you are satisfied with my answer. Thanks very much! Your satisfaction is always my greatest priority and my only goal is to provide you with Excellent Service!

~~If you wish to request me in the future, simply type "For Cher' to begin your post in my question box here: http://www.justanswer.com/general/expert-Cher/ and I will answer asap!~~



Best regards,
Cher

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I have not spoken to him about this now.. I'm about to start its just it gets heavy and emotional he also wraps and i can hear him crying ..


he said he want to keep in touch before ' because he cares, i said something in the nature ohh people care for each other friends etc..


 


ill keep you up dated talking to him now..

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.

Hi again, Jasmine.

Ok, keep me posted after you talk to him.

Regards,
Cher

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

his telling me he does not know.. and he feels..he does not know.. he feels not to do this and he thinks is the right thing .. now he said he does not know and can we just not have this conversation now.

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

Thanks for your update.

Telling you he does not know means he can't tell you he wants to stay together and if that was what he wanted, he would be able to tell you that without any hesitation.

When you mentioned, 'he feels not to do this and he thinks is the right thing....' do you mean he feels you shouldn't do anything further re: a separation/divorce?

He doesn't want to have this conversation now because he doesn't know what to tell you. He's just putting of the inevitable, because it will not come out in his favor. If he can't talk about this now, he will never be able to talk about it. As I mentioned, if he truly wanted to stay together, he would make the time to talk about this and do something to make it right, for you, for you both!

If you keep on allowing him to put off talking about it, you will continue to suffer and no action will be taken. You have to decide how you want to handle this and what your next step will be. That step needs to be one that will ensure your future happiness.

Please rate my answer positive if you have found it helpful so I can be credited for my assistance. Thanks!

Best regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He just really upset me putting off -he said I'm pushing for it. I said you left me no choice -I like for this to be over move on even if I'm not ready or you may not its somthing that's has to be done since I don't hear from you tell me work it like hesitant fine you don't love me or care for me fine what else do expect me to do let me live my life .. I want I be happy I deserve better and to be appreciated do you really think after what you have done that thats the type of man I want for me -someone that leaves you.. Even if we were just legally Married and not wanted that way even then how do you think I'm suppose to feel are you serious? It's different if you would say different you don't say anything. BotXXXXX XXXXXne he gives me no answer when I said it was an amount he said expensive. I said what to do now he said I don't know I've not done this before - I can't explain why he ask me if "I meet someone I like ?!" I said I meet many -your asking if I just don shut emotion I'm not build this way and jump to be involved , I learn somthin lg not to put all my eggs in one basket -for it's me first everything else second he sounds drained I also hear in his voice he does not want to talk about it -it's not about control it's about clarity if he wants this -he ask me if its what I feel to do or think to do?! Does that make any sense btw -excuse my iPhone typing :/ I did not miss him did not think of him -I don't know why now all of a sudden I felt sadness and tears eyes as if I sense him -its weird becouse we can sense each other it was always like that .. I know we were not together for this marriage it's not the way he said things need to be done the right way it's funny I said that before he left .. I sad hurtful things in his fingertip. Made me seem cold I placing a shield for my own good .happiness he said he will look into an Attorny if its what will make me happy was his question ? I said makes no difference sooner or later sooner the better you left me so nothin more to talk or do then he said will see what happens after this I'm like huh?! Thinking what will happen to us I did not respond I told him what I thought and felt and how I view him on his feeling for me .. I know I perhaps irked or hurt him I did not mean too I just said the truth Anyhow I. Bed need to sleep
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

I'm headed off to bed now, too, but I'm glad I got your reply before I signed off.

You said all the right things and you felt sad because it is a sad situation, ending a marriage. He did do the leaving, and he left you no choice. He's not happy about it, and it IS draining, emotionally for him, but he's the one that left, so he has to deal with that. Let him find an attorney and you can find one, too (or did you tell me you already had one?).

Yes, I don't know what that last comment about 'we'll see what happens after this', meant, but I don't see you getting back together. It's interesting that he was inquiring if you met anyone. It's none of his business. He left and what you do now is only your business.

Ok, sleep well.

Best regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Do you say you dont see us getting back together Becouse of my decesion his actions also his way of responding to things. he said he has not move on,emotion their, do you say this because you see the reading, cards or spiritual or card

is it base you knowhe does not want this relationship or me. but also does not know if what he had us what he wants for his life is this- i don't even want to think he would do such things to pretend, perhaps he feels guilty about the pain he caused me. Oh yeah he did ask if I meet or like anyone . I said no, with my emotions does not allow me, easily to be involved or shut down my feeling or the dealing of us-go away.. I have to say that deep inside of me I'm always going to have hope -at the same time I've faced not to have hope this is what he made me feel, verbally said it before he left.. but when I try to cut or end and start my life or even mention it he freezes in silence, and questions it if it what i feel to do i say its not what i feel its what i think is the right thing to do , i ask don't you, agree just like you said to me my heart feels different but my mind says to go with it the choice and , just ask if this is what I feel to do then I turn the question. To him all he can say his dealing with his emotions does not k now what to tell me .:( he said if this is done its

has to be the right way - which I don't know what he may be reffering too

 

but i recall before he left i will said if this going to be done needs to be done the right way like marriage the relationship because god wants it to be done right not this way.not marry for other reason more like a real marriage an union, taking care of our self or careers first then everything else falls into place.

i don't think this way any more how come.. specially when you say you don't see us getting back together - i guess deep inside of me i have this little light of hope or that he will wake up. at the same time i don't know exactly how he truly feels about everything it all confusing to me. Cry

 

i felt like to call him today but i did not just to see about the papers, or more like how he feels .. i should not care why I'm I this way can i just really just treat someone harsh and cold specially that the way they should be treated after all he put me through.

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.

Hi again, Jasmine.

I'm so sorry for the delayed response. I wasn't feeling well today and have not been online until now.

In answer to your question, it's a combination of both, intuitive (spiritual) ability and the cards I've drawn for you, that I don't see you resolving this issue or continuing with the marriage because of the way he left you and because of your decision that 'it's enough'. Hope is always there, and even if you legally separate or divorce, there's not a rule that you can't get back together, if this is what both of you want, down the line.

If he says this has to be done the right way, he's probably referring to involving attorneys and making the separation legal, but you'd have to ask him what he means when he says that, to be sure.

If he says dealing with his emotions 'he does not know what to tell you', if he wanted to stay together and live in the same place, he would know what to tell you, so if he can't tell you, this proves he doesn't know what he wants to do, but he's certainly not taking any steps toward making you feel wanted and that he still wants to try to make your marriage work.

 

I just read the part of your question where you added something, after I sent this answer, so I'll respond to it now. I know you have not given up hope, although he treated you badly in the way that he left. As I said, if the love is there, there is always a glimmer of hope, but if he can't verbalize to you how he feels/what he thinks, what are you supposed to do? You keep mentioning things that make me think this was a marriage of convenience to perhaps keep one of you in the country? Am I interpreting this in the wrong way? Did you meet in person or online and fall in love and decide to get married? How did he treat you at the beginning of your relationship and how long are you married?

Jasmine, please kindly rate my last few answers, as I do not receive any credit from the site unless you do. Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX it!

I hope your day is going well! Laughing

Best regards,
Cher

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

its complicated.. we meet in person in a mall where he worked I was his customer, i did not think anything about it he was younger I'm like no way .. his too young.. and i did not date young guys ever he was my first.


we meet in the fall dated till the end of dec.. then he tells me his leaving his time is done here and i said huh? he say yeah well i have two choices i go back home with till 6 months to came back chances are I'm not he was here on a work visa. since i knew his goals his drive etc.. that he can do big things career etc.. i said something out of crazy ness and friends ship lets get married and you'll have that option always to came and go and no strings attached he said flat out no.. he can't thank you.. its too much however .. we were falling for each other at the moment but it did not seem right - out of my heart i did it or caring feeling etc.. not to trap or to be with me i would not do such a things for $$ etc.. we were involved then after 3 weeks or more we went and got married yes crazy


then after 4 month i did not want to get closer to him so i said lets see other people its good he said no i don't want to i just want to see you. etc.. then 9 months past after then it became serious we did not live right away i spent the night at his place then a few months later he went o see his family finally after he came back we lived together then 3 monts we relocated from chi, to Mi it was


sad i left a big piece of my life there do to this i reallocated due to him asking me to although i was not prepare my situation i got laid off etc.. through our whole time together we never really treat it as a marriage but sometimes acted as if because of the relationship .


he was charming loving caring .. he changed after we came back for israel the last time in may he shut down cold non communicative i sometimes think his family had influence and they freaked him out about a future with me etc.. and he said he does not see a family any time soon he told them


if you asking the question is not the way we want to be married.. it happen we treated it that way which he said it confuses things or our status, boy/girlfriends.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

its complicated.. we meet in person in a mall where he worked I was his customer, i did not think anything about it he was younger I'm like no way .. his too young.. and i did not date young guys ever he was my first.


we meet in the fall dated till the end of dec.. then he tells me his leaving his time is done here and i said huh? he say yeah well i have two choices i go back home with till 6 months to came back chances are I'm not he was here on a work visa. since i knew his goals his drive etc.. that he can do big things career etc.. i said something out of crazy ness and friends ship lets get married and you'll have that option always to came and go and no strings attached he said flat out no.. he can't thank you.. its too much however .. we were falling for each other at the moment but it did not seem right - out of my heart i did it or caring feeling etc.. not to trap or to be with me i would not do such a things for $$ etc.. we were involved then after 3 weeks or more we went and got married yes crazy


then after 4 month i did not want to get closer to him so i said lets see other people its good he said no i don't want to i just want to see you. etc.. then 9 months past after then it became serious we did not live right away i spent the night at his place then a few months later he went o see his family finally after he came back we lived together then 3 monts we relocated from chi, to Mi it was


sad i left a big piece of my life there do to this i reallocated due to him asking me to although i was not prepare my situation i got laid off etc.. through our whole time together we never really treat it as a marriage but sometimes acted as if because of the relationship .


he was charming loving caring .. he changed after we came back for israel the last time in may he shut down cold non communicative i sometimes think his family had influence and they freaked him out about a future with me etc.. and he said he does not see a family any time soon he told them


if you asking the question is not the way we want to be married.. it happen we treated it that way which he said it confuses things our status, boy/girlfriends. he was nice sweet and good to me i think the fact his affectionate was what brought me closer to him.

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine and thanks for all your additional information.

I had a feeling it was something like this. Why do you think his family freaked out about a future with you? He's a native of Israel?

What happens if you divorce, regarding his citizenship? Did he take the test to become a naturalized American citizen even though he became a citizen after you married?

Were you living together when he relocated to NY?

Regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

yes we have been leaving together from the time we married .. yes is a native from israel.. his fine he received his card in the first two years, now his dealing in this last few days for the process to extent it for longer he has his permit to be here .. i think he freaked out when his family question his life and his future with me - he also said that to live in israel .. etc.. how difficult it would be- he did not want to have a kid in a few years then go to israel and live there and I'm not happy i want to come back.. he say he ould like to be with his family obvisouly his in new york, he also said he did not want me to relocate and then he decided to go hom he did not want to feel responsible again .. i don't know how to continue telling you this the situation is complicated.


i just want him to tell me he does not love or see a future at all with me literally from his mouth - recentlysaid what he wants from me is somethin he wants somethings he knows we can have because we are different , meanig experiences -- have, and at the same time i deserve better this is going back 6 months ago. i can only think is he wants but not now


 


I'm going to show you share somthing he email me on sept 15


 


heart creaking song Jazz...


I may say words that tell you nothing.
Though, the words that means everything I keep to my self. I tried to keep it from you. To protect you from it. Not prolonging hurting you and your special soul. I feel though that you deserve to hear it.


I promised to write you before, though I was trying to find the words. Thinking maybe it's better by spilling then on paper other than sounding them to you. How the hell am I finding the words?!


The truth is that I don't know what to say to make things better.
I left and by that I left a big hall in your life. hall you are trying to fill and don't know what to fill it with.
The feelings, the emotions the tears -I feel them. I hear them. i experience them my self and going through every hard moment.


I am holding my breath when I talk to you Knowing that every mami or kapara coming out of my mouth takes you weeks back to better times and different modes where everything felt so stable and solid Until I turned the tables. We want to act like it's the same, like I am out on a mission or a trip and will be back in a moment...
That's how it feels to me often. But I am here, in an other place. far from your arms, your warmth, your love your touch. Trying to explain my strong intuition to my self that this move was the right thing to do for our future. How I became lesser of a man lately. Not the man I wanted to be. Sometimes I am depending it on the high demands I have from my self. topping everything. Conquer every mission. Do the best I can and best from everyone else. That was my way in life if it makes any sense...


I am finding my self Talking to you... Sometimes dying to call you and sometimes wish you won't call so I won't have to face my emotions again. In one hand my mind is always busy with you, how you doing, how you managing, how you feeling...
hoping no one is there hurting you. That you are being treated fairly. That you are not loosing the since of direction and the strength that characterize you so much. The characters that kept me in the right path and walked us through the finest times. And the hardest times as well...


You planted your self deep in my heart Jasmine. So deep that I am very doubtful if anything can ever move you away from there. This is how I truly feel for you. You was my Partner, my love, the world I wake up to for so long. And now I wake up to chaotic mornings. facing my decision every moment in the day. Try to overcome, to move forward, to take my self to better directions, to get drunk to party to meet people... but non of this is a replacement for what you gave me. for what your place in my life meant to me. You were everything to me. You are what every man dream of...


* I just took a moment to blow my nose and I pulled some white hairs from the sides of my head... :)-


You are there with me in those little actions, on a daily basis. You are there in all the pictures, in the memories, in everywhere.
How can I really forget you Jazz? How can I really move on!?
I stopped cooking cause I have no one to cook for. You are the only one who knows how happy I get when I cook. Now just thinking about taking out the pan makes me so sad so I don't even bother...


I don't know if this note makes it better or worst. I didn't edit it or thought about what I am writing, just spilled my mind and heart. After all, for so long you know me there is no secrets from you. even if I try to cover something you'll know...


Don't confuse. Non of this is easy for me. You are the only person on earth that truly know my feelings, me as a person.
The tears that fills my eyes as I am writing you those words reminding me the last weeks we spent together. The emotions, the sadness....


I couldn't believe that we were able to get through that crisis like this. bigger than life. That just showed me that you are the person I always knew you were. That you truly loves me. That you were there for me supporting me. Despite my actions baby, I can never turn my back on you. I can never forget you. I can never ever really detach my self from you.
And I know those words still doesn't make sense...


That's how I feel now. I don't know what the future holds but I just wish us both to be happy in any path we will choose to go. I felt I am no longer happy with the way things were. I am taking all the blame to my self. In the choices I've made and the actions I've took.


I felt that I was isolating my self from the real world. From all other goodies I may find anywhere else. That maybe, just maybe, there is more things out there I didn't get my self the chance to experience.


it's not money, It's not the job, it's not other girls, and it's not success. I can't really name what it is, but when I will find it- I believe I will know.


I can't express in words how sorry I am to do this to you, so I won't even try. I can't even tell you what I did to my self cause my sorrow will not provide you with more comfort or less disappointment.


Your heart is broken, and so as mine and all left for us is to pick up the pieces.
Yes, I am the one who initiated it but I felt at that point it was coming to us sooner or later. We couldn't afford later baby, As it would of been worst. I don't know how much time it will take or how possible it is but we both got no choice but trying.


I don't know what will happen now. I don't know what to expect from you or how to fill the embarrassing silence in our phone calls. I feel You. looking for hope, for the hint, for the right word coming from me to give you something to dream about or wish for. I want to give it to you. I want to give it you you so bad... I just don't want to make it even harder than what it is. Because the fact is that I chose a way and I am paying the price for it. In a natural way of the circumstances so as you...


Not my heart betrayed you but my mind baby. My understanding that despite our hugh love, our carrying, we are probably not at the same path right now. You were there, to view me, to feel me, while I am realizing that. Crying out the hard meaning of it. Mourning us. Asking my self how can I do this to you? How can I break the heart of the one I gave her my entire self and the one who gave it all to me back...


I am looking for answers Jazz as no sun shining over my head yet. Everyday I am starting over. Every day.


The truth is that I miss you. The truth is that there is a big hall in my life that I am trying to fill with lame replacements.
I want to give my self the time. I owe it to my self as a human. I want to look back and have no doubts, no wonders, no regrets.
I can't put you on hold while doing that cause I love you too much to do it. Because you deserve this chance as well even if you didn't ask for it or weren't ready for it. That's why I don't ask about your possible mates. Maybe I am scarred to know. Maybe cause I know where you stand with out you even tell me.
It's not the time by it self that will heal the bleeding wounds of our heart...


I can't ask you to let go or move on. I can't demand you to get over me because I don't manage to do it my self. Maybe we didn't gave our self the chance...
I don't know what is the best way to deal with it cause my body has never contained those vibrations of ambivalent soul. So much emotional pain...

I will finish by wishing you Shana Tova baby. I wish to overcome any obstacle appears in your way. I wish you health. To stay the gorgeous person you are inside and out. To find your path and walk through it. To be the succefull full and deep person you are.


I will accept any decision you will take in regards XXXXX XXXXX Just because I don't feel it's right for me to have a say about it.
Call when you ready. Be in touch when you feel you are ok for it. Youe are in my mind even when it doesn't seem this way.


Shana tova mami.


I will always have love for you...


Always!


Adam

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.

Hi Jasmine.

I received your reply.

Please give me a short while to read it.

Thanks,
Cher

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

He expresses himself very well! However, this letter is a total contradiction. He doesn't know what to do about the situation that HE created, and is asking you what YOU want to do. He tells you he still loves and cares about you and cries because he misses you and misses being with you, but also says he felt it was best for him (and both of you, ultimately), to leave the situation/marriage, and move.

This makes no sense. HE made the move without discussing it with you first, says you are wonderful, beautiful inside and out, loves you, misses you, doesn't know how he can live life without you, but he felt something was missing, so he left.

This is called 'talking out of both sides of your mouth'.

He made the decision to leave and it is he who has to make the final decision whether he wants to remain married to you or not. If you are tired of the back and forth and accomplishing nothing but having your heart broken time and time again, you can make that decision, to end the marriage or not end it, but this is certainly not a marriage since he left.

I don't doubt he is sincere in everything he says. He did love you, he does love you and misses you, but he said himself, he felt he had to leave to go in search of something that was missing. If he felt something was missing from the marriage, it was missing from HIS view of it, not yours. He says he didn't want to hurt you, yet he did. He says it's hurting him, too, but HE is the one who took the action and left/moved.

Is he confused? Yes. Is he confusing you? Yes. From what he said, I don't get the feeling he intends to return to this marriage, despite all his emotional words to you.

If you have any additional questions or concerns, please click 'Reply to Expert', direct your reply to me, "Cher", and I will be glad to continue our conversation.


Please rate with positive feedback (Laughing) when you are satisfied with my answer. Thanks very much! Your satisfaction is always my greatest priority and my only goal is to provide you with Excellent Service!

~~If you wish to request me for a new question in the future, simply type "For Cher' to begin your post and I will answer asap!~~


Best regards,
Cher

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I'm feeling lonely now, a sense of a love lost from him , I don't feel or see him fixing anything -he tries to be neutral not show his emotions -like a Friend, only when I'm ok talking to him.. When i put my words or speake the obvious he sort of ask if that's how I truly feel - I ask him yesterday if he was seeing anyo e or meet anyone his Intrested in he said why I'm I asking this I say seems your a bit cold or differ. He said no jazz I have not , then I said I'm sure you say this to prevent on hurting me more - he damage is done it will not make a differ. It just will allow me to see where you stand meaning your moving on and allow me to see thugs clearly specially where our future or feeling stand. He said that it does not matter what his Doin hat I should not make my decesion on what his doing I said no I'm not at the same time it allows me to see hogs more clearly specially of you say one thing then say another... I so feel sad for the last two days. I'm not surer how to go about this dissolution of marriage it is extremely expensive - ihe does have a Busness I was no part of it the attrnythat I consulted with said I'm entitle to it hat you need to know and do what's the best thing for you -now I'm dealin with a choosing on what is my next move I regards XXXXX XXXXX and work.im still here until I find a diffent job :/ I need to make the best of it hope all is well my keys on my iPhone are getting stuck need to shut down and continue
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

I know you're feeling sad and lonely, and considreing what he's been putting you through, that is not unexpected. However, you have a bright future for yourself, both in love and in business, so try to feel happy about that, and your sadness will disappear.

What he's doing to you is not right at all. If he can't answer you when you ask if he's involved with anyone else, he should either tell you the truth or you know he's lying. He keeps coming back with 'why does it matter?'. That's not an answer. If he were truly not seeing anyone or sleeping with anyone, he would say, 'absolutely not', but unfortunately, I don't think that's the case. Men can't go without women for too long.

The cards I drew for you indicate it would be a good idea to follow your attorney's suggestion, file for dissolution of marriage and ask for the business in the way he advises you (what you're entitled to). I'm sure you can work out payments to the lawyer, if he knows your financial situation.


IMPORTANT: If you found my answer helpful, please choose a Positive Rating like this one Laughing for 'Excellent Service', as that is the only way I receive credit for my assistance.

If you don't see a ratings box or experience any problems with the rating system, please respond and let me know, so it can be taken care of.

My only goal is your happiness and satisfaction!

Best regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

hello cher..


 


here aim again feeling this way, i wish that he can just be honest with me about being or interested in another person etc.. i sense that he is not honest although he says he is being honest.. i just wish if my intuition/senses for me to be certain about him being involve in any romatic/physical relationship i would be more at peace like to give me a sign that he is - i want to believe what he is telling me - that his not interested in anyone at the moment - to at least tell me his being seeing someone/dating..


how will I ever now the truth.. I'm not basing my moving on, on this this will push harder to so ,


its funny someone today said that there relationship ended it did because she did not want him anymore .. then i thought to myself is this exactly what was done to me.. reality -yes, but when i confront this matter they say nothing.. or its not that .. i want everything that i know i can't have .. if that makes any sense


i feel like i should go to a card reader .. lol that sounds crazy and desperado.. i just know that if i know the truth i will move on.. i feel like he said his holding on to me like a rope...


all he said is if its what i feel like to do file etc then he will do but he will look into it.. i said i think i should base on on you are living your life.. you are right i guess I'm the tip of woman that can only do a step or feel at peace once all is done an over with.. although it bring sadness to my heart and mind.. its a step that has to be done..


how can you stay married and date or move on/forward he said he does not want us to stop talking because we deserve more..


he confuses what i think he even feels if its love , or in love or caring love or just plain feeling bad about the whole thing to make sure I'm ok financially or emotionally.. or what ever the case of his way of caring or telling me he left his world behind which was me .. all he knew and his feeling it now.. its emotion - should i really believe all he is telling why will he say things to me when he know I TRULY love him despite all , as he recently said i care despite all ... cher its so hard - why do i keep going in this circle why? i feel like i have no direction on my feeling or how i should feel ..


then i feel like i don't care and i try to forget to be happier - but when i don't reach him he reaches me.. i don't respond i don't see him trying to fix it .. like he places me on hold - when he literally tells me he does not want to give hope.. does have emotions and want to talk to me because he cares.. it should never be no communication the way it has been when i disappear.. your probably tired of hearing the same thing over and over - i don't feel ready self to let go - although i have how do i just give up on someone even by looking at all the choice and decision he made.. how? how can i take this deep love out of heart and mind that at times i still feel connected even if we are apart.. i wish at times that i should have not ever let him in my heart - i don't this i can bare this emotion are to much to sustain .. i feel that i should hate I'm not a person of that nature.. you say about karma - at time i believe it too when i person tries to do good after a deep hurt .. i don't now if that will occur .. he said we are different due to my experience in life pershap he needs to mature or experience life he owes that to himself... do i make sense:/

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.

Hi again, Jasmine.

Yes, what you're saying makes a lot of sense, but when thinking of everything he has said in the past and said just recently, I think the fact that he said you are different because you have had more life experience, you're right that he may need more time to mature and/or experience more of life for himself, before he will feel satisfied.

I don't feel he is seeing anyone or dating on a steady basis, but I do feel that he has gone out on dates and has been intimate with a woman or women, since he's moved.

Jasmine, I would love to keep communicating with you, but I need to remind you that rating my answers is the only way I am credited by the site for my help. Thank you!

I can do a new card reading for you, if you would like; just let me know.

My only goal is to provide you with EXCELLENT service. If you need more information, please REPLY to tell me how I can help you further!

Best regards,
Cher

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

I'm just following up with you to see how everything is going today. I hope you're feeling a bit more happy.

If you need any additional information, please don't hesitate to ask me by clicking on 'Reply to Expert', and I will answer as soon as possible.

I hope you found the information included in my answer helpful.

Thanks very much for the opportunity to be of assistance and thank you for using Just Answer!

Best wishes,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Cher thank you for your follow today I feel even worst I feel like crawling into bed and sleeping for days This Morning I saw in face book news feed and he was in a picture with a girl that he says hey are just friends it's a group of them hat always go out and he says he meet her through work or his friend etc its a pictur that is too close I'm just extremely hurt sad anxiety feeling to tell him and angry I feel soo disrespected on face book somthing she posted she posted. Or pictures too in the last two days I'm confuse he says on things and if hey are just friends he swore in his life that nothing has happen between to just funny that a 2 months ago when I tried to reach him at one point he did not sleep at his place he was at the location she resides I know this because I set up our apple computer and cell phones to track obviously he no longer has that set up -and the night of that incident he did not answe my calls and tells me he was at his friends Ben house and his friend Does not live her she does I know this becouse her reside on face book and then I ask him a week ago confront him he swore that there's nothing there etc.. How do even tell him now how devastating this is for me with sounding jealousy angry I'm mentally exhausted emotionaly I'm doing my best not o make this worse than what it is this so killing me inside I'm trying to deal with finding a new job making money relocating making my life How do approach this to him with having to cause any more disappointments argument or sadness or push him away in a sense where I can true rehab he tells me how can I move forwar Lê if he says one things I see others things as his actions things hat cause more hurt than what I'm already I'm so torn I feel in limpo confused on what he says he feels about me he cares that his dealing with this too it's not easy his emotions life now how can I trust him or even not see hat if this Os for the Bette his actually doing nothing but to continue our communication this is what he says should be than he says if I feel not than not is not happy with it I tell him you seem act happier how your life is now I can really just tear his love feeling with in me that's so deep that his aware I can't even think abut being with someone else or even if its physical I can never share that with him for what I understand his partner told me never to tell him if it even happen he will never go back to you it's a pride things etc.. I'm just not here physicaly am but reality is I feel no joy at all I don't know how to grasp it and deal with it when I do to cut him off he start blowing up my cell texting etc i don't even know what he truly feels after seek this picture it's driven me crazy this feeling in my chest hat wants to explode and tell him and keep my calm with out showing anger and jealousy or question it what right do I have when we are apart I have feeling that just keep getting crushed I have soo much to say Cher I have no power I'm overwhelm with all of this I finally I'm dealing with it after the holidays more things come out and I see him doing nothing don't rinks if to cut him off -his ex partner said to me change your number elite your face book and just tell him if you want me you know where I live -what good those that make his suppose to meet with him next wek or two and his going to tell him you need to fix this pranks I sound every where now I don't even know how to express his to you Cher I just want to cry till I have no more tears for this I have no joy in me thats how I feel now no intrest on men or it's like not knowing what he truly feels it will help even the what good is going to do to me I can't even focus in what truly matter my life and future goals I feel lied to not appreciate being fooled he tells me things and then he can't tell me that he does not love me etc truly what kind of time do I give myself or us if there's ever going to be or him through his confusing I feel like ultimate mum a decesion I'm no happy to make or to regret I'm crying here that all I can soo I feel alone or not love all I want is to be loved I want happiness life and a amazing partner I know now e can't give that at the same time will he ever if all he does is nothing tell me I'm his world/love he does not ever think anything or anyone will take that you see the turmoil I'm going through :(( I can't I will not just give in I hate this feeling he sees it
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

I'm here, please stay online so you can read my answer. Thanks!

I'm reading your reply, now.

Regards,
Cher
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

Sweetie, I'm so sorry you're feeling very sad and depressed, but this is to be expected due to what he's putting you through.

I don't believe there is nothing going on with him and the girl in the picture on Facebook. He's not being truthful with you and he is hurting you more, by doing this.

The only way you can get on with your life and not feel the way you feel now, is to separate yourself from him. He left you without giving any good reason, and words are only that--words! He can keep telling you how much he cares for you, etc., etc., but his actions speak louder than his words.

He has moved on with his life and you have to make up your mind to do the same. You are still young--recapture your life/recapture your happiness! You are the only one that can decide what to do that is right for yourself. Stop making yourself miserable and don't look at his FB page anymore. Make a decision to move on and do whatever is necessary to accomplish this. You don't have to think about being with other men right now. That is the least of it. Just concentrate on your next move in your plan to separate from him. If you stay in this position, you will continue to be miserable and that is not what we want for you. You deserve to be happy and the only way to do that now, is to separate yourself from him.

Are you still working with the ex-partner in the business? If not, did you decide to take that job with Saks? If you are looking for a job and don't want it to be in NY because he's there, then look elsewhere, but a place that will make you happy. If you don't want to move back to be near your family, choose another location. But, remember, you must do things now, to make yourself happy. Put yourself first!

My only goal is to provide you with EXCELLENT service. If I have, please remember to RATE my answer in a positive manner, as that is the only way I am compensated by the site for my answers. Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX it!

Best regards,
Cher

Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
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Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

Thanks very much for your positive rating; it is greatly appreciated!

Best regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
You may see things I can't my love perhaps blinds me ... I should move on its just so hard I know if I do and if if changes his mind I will not go back I striving to be in a better place. I know myself I have a hope that he will see different really don't know perhaps I'm stupid in love that maybe deep inside he does not love me that way I think he does his reason of leaving was that reason and he wants better or experience as he has share it's hurtful to give your all in a silver platter he took it for granted and left perhaps he wants a challenge or wants the chase or is looking for a bigger Love Au can't continue thinking and figure things out it bring :( and hurt and more talking to him eases things bowing we are apart tears my heart bring sadness how can such a person be capable of such thing .?! And say they left with love still misses me etc but we could not have binge continue the way hey were I ask myself was it had he said in the last year we argued things were not the same I'm thinking he spark etc.. It takes two people to work at fit I feel he just walked out and did not want it anymore did 180 change his mind .. How can you walk away from love if you have it and be apart and still say you care have emotions wants my happiness and that I'm the kind of woman Everyman wants and innswer the one who has it does not know what to do with it.. Or use it - he responded why you say that? He also said he got scared and did not know what else to give me-- how blind I'm now to not see the truth -I want to be set free from his chains of love that abides me to him when I do -he questions if ths is what I really want.. I will try my best o think there's is nothing with the girl in the pic .. I'm. Of ready to see him either can I just not speak to him and deal with this legal separation later when I'm in a better state of mind how long is this going to take --I truly want to cut it I don't like the way I feel now. Lets say I do cut -I think of my medical insurance finances play a part at the same time I can mange have to work harder I even think what his family thinks about all of this -- I don't even know if his family even liked me I know he said they did .. The question for him ?! I'm older or experience he younger -it's so wrong through think about all of this after a relationship of 3/1/2 years it's crazy -hate it feel used and play with my emotions and felt that all we had was nothing or not genuine if it was not for me always being the one making it work what was I thinking or still thinking -- your absolutely right how can I forget this feeling him his love for him this hope and take it out of my mind - when I try to move on he says do what you feel to do I dot. Feel to do that I'm not ready eve. If he is or has I'm not -I'm soo blind how do I overcome this how? Indonta:"( know how your the only person in this world hat I share this way he only one ! It's so sad I feel like I'm stronger I have no more strength at times confused. Then I look at this his life now and his in nyc -I encouraged it and he left me I had no idea I was floor I see these pictures and this life that his striving for success etc.. New friends like he has more of a alive life than what we had in Michigan it was boring still is and is mostly family not a fast pace like chicago like the life I use to have friends being out enjoying being single and even after I meet him I introduce him to great spot etcc.. To wine somthing he never new and now his in NYC .. In a way it hurt not jealousy I think you thought of you and your life with out me how?! ?! It's like a slap if he truly loves me or he was with me he tried to love me or learn to etcc or for he though or he mature and said where his life is going And say he can't see it the way things are now it's not a good place never gave me details or said work it more like he ran away or just did not want it what else can I even think its 2 years status we stay longer was he just sticking around.. to even think of status (his) the period Indont think his this type of person my friends think that is what it was.. Now his good so far and do it with Out me .. Do you see how much I doubt his love.. Btw he ask me if I doubt his love all he thinks about all the good times and how i taught him about somthings to be strong.. Etcc
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

Yes, I understand how you feel and I think what happened was, you 'created a monster' in a way, because you did teach him a lot about life and love and that's what makes him feel confident in his 'new life' in NYC, now.

I don't doubt that he loved you, I don't doubt that he still loves you, but saying, I still love you does not change the situation, and he obviously made the best decision for himself, without regard to your feelings, so now it's your turn to make the best decision for YOURSELF. Think about what will make you happiest (not including being back together with him) and WHERE you will be happiest, then start to move on your plan.

Best regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hello Cher,


 


its been a while its been hard to take in and accept, when a bad break up happens when you still love the person. trying to tell yourself they may not feel teh same etc. or who knows what ... being in a reltionship and having someone walk out on you i dont feel its love- i read tsomthing reall interesting and i was going to send to him .. i also wrote a letter before he left i did not give .. and wrote one recent ly after teh fact that i will mail to him.


in case you are wondering if im in contact yes iam only because i want to the otehr day i said had a coverstion about everything he seai that i need it that ihe will look into the seperationlegally which i feel its a good things if we are not going to work this out.. till this daay i dont think ever he will tell me the thruth only that im precious to him etc.. and who know i did ask him to tell me he does not want anything any more or not feel or etc.. he said he cant tell me that .. he feels this needs to be dont the right way wna what ever the future is it is.. so i dont know what he means or i ask of hope etc.. i dont hear him trying to work it out etc.. and i dont want to ask if his been seing any one. but i do know that een if i knew it will hurt and i need must move on.. see my life without him. its hard for me when i set my mind and im in my mid 30's he said he fells our marrige made it compliccated etc.. were we saw our reltionship. i am draind and exhuasted im scared to even say i may have a diffrent love for him know its a weird type


i ask myslef if i trylly love him or just feel i want to be with him becse he walkd out its been 6 months can you tell me if he has anyone in his mind or an intrest at the current momment now thorugh your ablities .. he will not tell me i feel if he did it will help me ot move forwad i know it sounds sad and lame i need it i belive


perhaps it may not even do any good -- i have alot going on now where im going to live what im i going to do what my next move.. NYC is calling me i dont want to go ther becouse of him .. thats the truth even if i think of looking somwhere else it does not seem right why? ? why NYC ive prayed for answrs guidance and i feel the opportunity there when i think of of florida,cali, chicago it does not drive me or excite me. i try t think if he was in cali or any other place still does not drive me. but nyc does... i have been confused cher - i know you said things to me abot see my self with out him im making the effort.. someoe told me that i should cut him off completely there is still ties i feel at the mommnt. im craving entrepner , fashion real estate big things - im a little scared i realzd i did not have much parential guidance.. in my life very mimnum - excuse my abbr - im fellling a bit blazehhh ;/


by the way i met a guy - im not intrested either i have no emotions on intrest my energy is on my life and future - im worried im at the stage where i should be thinking kids family - im not till the next 3 years is my limit imm be going into my 40 - i looked at my harverstng my eggs just in case im a little scared about a few things i guess im doing all the resrch i can in my life now etc.


i read this im copying an passing it to you..


i was going to send it to him .. i feel this is what may had happen perhsps he know perhsp not - you think i should send it??


hope to hear from you soon - miss talkign to you - i try to be strong - i know i have so much love in me - i cant explain how.. i have this ablity to love un conditionly.. or the way i do im not normal/ordinary i know it


Many people are scared to get involved in a relationship for fear that it will not work out. And some people enter a relationship with bringing with them the negativity and fear of losing that other person, which invariably causes strife, because constantly being scared of having it all disappear tends to attract that very outcome. The trouble is though, that if you do not risk anything, you risk even more.


One very common problem between all couples that have been together during any period of time is loosing that attraction for one another. But this tends not so much to be due to physical reasons, but rather stem from other problems within the relationship. When partners do not respect and appreciate their complimentary differences they lose their electricity. In other words they are no longer turned on by each other. Without the polarity, they lose the attraction.


This loss of attraction can occur in two ways: We either suppress our true inner self in an attempt to please our partner, or we try to mold them into our own image. Either strategy, whether repressing ourselves or trying to change our partners, will sabotage the relationship.


Do some individuals actually succeed in “changing” their partners? Yes they do, but the needs of that individual are met for only a short period of time. It’s a very short term strategy. Ultimately there will be no passion within that relationship. For example, David says to Lynn, “Don’t be so emotional, you’re getting upset over nothing.” If she represses her feeling-side in order to please and accommodate David, he feels less friction with her and she wins his love. The short term result appears to be a good and harmonious relationship, but now Jane and Tom will be a few degrees less interested, excited, or attracted to each other.


As this process of gradually suppressing their true selves continues, and more degrees of passion and interest will be lost until they feel almost nothing for each other. They will be friends but experience no passion. The good news is that this process can be reversed; we can learn to find ourselves again without always having to change partners.


Every time you suppress, repress, or deny yourself in order to be loved, you are not loving yourself. You are essentially telling yourself that you are not good enough the way you are. And every time you try to change, alter, or fix your partner, you are sending him the message that he does not deserve to be loved for who he is. These are the conditions under which love die----that the website-- http://self-help.vocaboly.com/archives/177/how-we-lose-attraction-for-the-ones-we-love/

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

I'm sorry you're still having such a hard time. I know how difficult it is to make the decisions you need to make but you have to be selfish right now and think about what will help YOU feel happiest, not counting being back with him--that's not a choice right now.

I've mentioned before that men have 'needs' and I feel it's very doubtful that he is not dating or seeing someone at this time. He may not be serious about any particular woman, but I do sense that he's seeing if not only one, then a few people. He is not living like a priest. He is going out and spending 'relaxing' time with other people and enjoying himself when he's not working. He does think about you and he will always have love in his heart for you, as you have for him, but he is associating with other women and not living a solitary life.

I think your idea about harvesting your eggs may be a good one at this time, since you're not sure what the future will bring and want to wait about 3 years before having children. This is a very personal decision that only you can make and you'll have to find out all about the procedure and the cost.

I feel if NYC is calling you, you should go. I had mentioned this to you a while ago, when you said you were offered a job there as a buyer for Saks. I don't think you should let him living there discourage you from moving there. If you feel such a strong 'pull', then that's the city for you. You don't have to live or work anywhere near him. I'm assuming you know where he lives. The chances of running into him are minimal, but there's always a chance it could happen. I don't think you should tell him you're moving there, if you decide to do that. However, I guess a new phone number, etc., if you are still communicating, would give it away.

I think that's a very good article to send him. It describes a lot of what you're going through and you can just say, "I thought you might be interested in reading this."

If he is going to start any legal proceedings, like for a separation, I agree with you that this is a good thing, so you will feel and realize this is eventually going to be permanent. What he did to you was not fair and didn't show any regard for your feelings. It's still quite confusing why he actually left and the way he did it, with no advance notice. He can say he misses you and loves, etc., etc., time and time again, but the fact remains that he left and you need to keep reminding yourself of that, so you become angry enough to say 'ENOUGH!' and you want to start over and start living for yourself. Live in a place that's calling to you; get a job you love, find a man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated and love you unconditionally, as you love.


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Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

im sure thats what you will say... your right a man has needs he tells me he has no time etc... why should I belive him-if not only one,, im confused seeing one or a few ? you sense.. of course he will say his moslty working always, i want to ask him ? you think is the right thing to do?.. about him being involved physicaly emotionaly..i feel that its the least, he can tell me since his not working this out.. and how he feels about if its this seperatrion is permanet with us?he did not want to do this he said i need it .... then he will ... i fell his dflectinng this decesion on me - then he said its not what he wants to do may be the right thing to do .... any ways change numbers we have a family account.. cher why is it that a an can say they love you.. or its the hardest thing to do .. and jsut walks away.. i feel like i smart enough to say the love dies or not attrctions or your just not hte one.. he will not tell me nothing why will he just not say it .. why does a man hold it - the damage is done hurt is done i need to hear fromhim i really do its confusing to me. his actions are shaky. i need want to detach myself .feel the truth will set me free i feel this i need/want to ask to move on. need an answr.. thank you again.


and i dont understnd why he will tell me it has to be done so if its meant tfor somthing ot happen then it will happen..


it does hurt if this is what he wants to experience then let it i guess since he has only had this one serious realtionship which is "I"


i will send it to him...

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine and you're most welcome.

Thank you for your reply and your positive rating.

He is being very 'iffy' about your questions and not revealing much, because he knows the truth will hurt you. He's put you in a sort of 'limbo', telling you he still cares about you and your happiness (and I believe this to be true, as you do), but not saying anything about rescuing this marriage and staying together. He can't answer more questions than he can answer and you are definitely entitled to answers. I don't feel he will tell you outright that he is seeing anyone special right now. He will not even tell you if he is dating. He IS busy, but not that busy. It's difficult to say why, but this is how many men are. Women are better at explaining and expressing their feelings, and many men are, too, but most men cannot say 'why' this happened or 'where' it is going now. Again, I feel one of the reasons he's holding back is to not hurt you. Perhaps one day, he will tell you, but I don't feel it will be any time soon.

What I meant was, he may not have a steady girlfriend, but I do feel he's seeing women (one or two, not many) for dates, dinner, relaxing time, when he's not working. I don't believe he is 'depriving' himself of female companionship, working all the time, then going home and that's it.

Yes, you are still his only one serious relationship, but for reasons he can't verbalize, he wants out of the marriage and it has nothing to do with the person YOU are. It is something within HIM. I feel he will live to regret this decision, but you can't live in the past and you feel and know in your heart, it's time to move on and start fresh. You can't keep torturing yourself; you must move forward.

Best regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hello Cher .. Hope all is well with you.. I must say I resign where I was working and found somthing else... I realize I have need to disconnect from my ex Busness and his partner. However I spoke toy ex day prior to valentines and he basically, what I wanted to hear I will not go into details -how ever it was extremely painful I ask if he is going to fix it and he said does not know-how.. Also I wanted answer thought out our convo -he said to move on.. My respond was its that easy for you .. He said i feel like i To say becouse you need To Hear it..we atoles taking leas and less. He was always Busy si have i its been a few Days we have not talked - I don't have any desire to speak to him. I have ignored his calls and text msg i have disappeared -I feel think even if he wants to know how iam where I'm at I don't need to respond. His ex partner told him I left -technicall my I will not till a few weeks I took a job that requires traveling in the same field which he knows about -its been 7 days we have not spoken he was coming in to chicago to meet with his ex parttner deal with Busness docs - at the same time he said since he will be I town ask about the taxes I said it ok file together I don't need to be present I send them etc.. Rhys of I decide to file together -- his been send inf random msg the the last one was this Jazz, I know you are trying to keep yourself away. 
We should really talk. It's extremely serious and  important. 
Please. Prior to this he sen done on our wedding day saying happy wedding and a wink .. The other msg he sent was between the other two Jazz,
I Tried contacting you. Several times. At the beginning I thought you were busy in chicago.  Lior told me you left MI. I am worried. 
Please, contact me. 
And Be safe. 
Jazz?
I feel and think I don't want to speak to him - for many Reasons should I even respond to him?
He left a msg saying to call him and he read my letter I wrote to him before he was going to leave.. I decided to mail it about how I feel I pored everything there .. My understanding feeling his decisions etc how it's affected also respect his choice wish him well.
Now I want to disconnect completely however we have ties -such as the marriage some things he has I. Storage etc-how can I respond without making him feel his getti g his way when he decided becouse he can't bare he fact of me disaster I g as he mantis on the voicemail -I'm confused I do r want to be confused I have made a decesio and I so t want I be with him any more not becouse I do t love - I have to disconnect and forget move on with my life whats the best way to say to him or should I just not respond .. I so t want to go through what I went through In the past disappear or not do contact for a month etc -I fee this time for me is for good! If I call heat feel finally I reach her I dint want to give satisfaction. Really if he needs to talk to me about somthing important why does he want me to call??! Please advice what does your spiritl sense tell you hope to hear from you soo. :)
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine and thanks for bringing me up to date on your situation.

I'm doing fine, and thanks for asking!

I'm so sorry to hear you're still going through such a rough time. I applaud you for the way you're handling it, and staying strong! Smile

I am very glad to hear that you have left the business so you no longer have anything to do with him or the former partner. If you seem to have 'disappeared' into thin air and are not responding to his texts or calls, my spiritual sense tells me that you are doing the right thing. At this time, after what you have related to me, it is the correct time to cut all ties to him. Communicating with him only adds to your upset and frustration and is hurtful to you. If you need to speak to him about the taxes, this can be handled through your lawyer, or you can send him an email or written letter, letting him know of your intentions, although it seems you have already answered his questions about that subject.

Your desire to no longer speak with him or have anything to do with him is very well-founded and he brought this all upon himself, through his own actions. You're absolutely right, that if he needs to speak with you and it's so important, why should you call HIM? He wanted to try to see you or speak to you in Chicago? I'm not sure if I understood that correctly, but, in any case, he doesn't deserve to see you after treating you badly and I'm sure you have no desire to see him. It seems, after saying what he did, that was hurtful, the last time you spoke, he doesn't have a right to see you. He says things that make you think he cares (and he really does care and doesn't wish any ill upon you), but he has certainly moved on and you are doing the same.

You gave him many opportunities to right this wrong and he couldn't make up his mind and couldn't give you definite truthful answers, it seems, until now. You are correct to say this is finally over and you have to do what's best for yourself. You're in 'self-preservation mode' right now, and have to remain in that mode and not be weakened by his attempts to speak to you.

You've taken enough of his 'abuse', emotionally and now it's time to end it, as you decided, and it's the best decision for you, because it's in your best interest. As I mentioned, you must do what's best for yourself and you're taking the first steps, and as difficult as it is, I'm so proud of you, that you are moving on like this!! You deserve better in life and you will find someone who will truly care for you and not hurt you, as he has. My spiritual sense tells me that you have done the right thing and you will keep on being strong and stick to your principles.

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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi I have to say we are meeting and I so t know how this meeting will turn out based on Taxes decisions I was not going to see
Him I'm confidant enough to perhaps see him - it was suppose to happe. Last week instead I went to North Carolina to see a friend for a few days he tried to reach me I was in self persecution mode .. I'm not regretting this step.. What so you see I. Spiritual aura.. I feel
Ok he still had cloths and things with me perhaps this the step to so the closer .. On my end.
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine and thanks for requesting me.

I hope you're doing well!

If this meeting is necessary to sort out taxes and other financial matters, you have no choice. I do feel that this will give you closure on your end and you will not allow your feelings to override the situation. You will be very business-like and try to make the meeting as short as possible.

If he starts to 'sweet-talk' you, just ignore it and tell him to stop his nonsense. You don't want to hear things he doesn't mean. I feel that you will be very professional and unemotional around him, and happy, knowing that when it is over, you will get the closure you've been waiting for/looking for, for a long while. If another person is there, like an accountant, etc., it will make it easier for you.

I see you remaining strong for this and leaving, feeling triumphant!

Please update me afterwards and let me know how it went.

I wish you much good luck. We make our own luck, you know, and I feel you're in a good position right now.

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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hello still dealing with this I feel very broken and sad we did our taxes and he saw me the first 2nights ago he hugged me and it was like we never parted today I missed my train talking about what he sees I ask for closure he wants to give to me he said all he can say is I may not see it now he did it for both and he said he can't make me happy or I'm not going to be happy with him because he feels his missing somthing his searching for it .. If his not happy he can't make me happy -I said somthing about love if he can' live his life without me he said he has to try he has not - why do I have a big love for him why I'm I so blinded I said to him how do you not love me -really be honest and he tears and tells me he feels somthing in him he ca t take out he wants to try his feelings for me. we are the only ones who knows our feelings I said to him just tell me all I can think of is you don't want me or I assume this hat you like your life now just tell me -Cher for the love of God I pray to make me strong I want to be happy I said was he not happy with me he said we were amazing he feels he has me holding on to him he does not want to do that -think I said fix it -he said his trying that why he left he said his still trying to figure it out - we are still talking now.. He leaves tomrw I wanted to up date you see what your spiritual insight says.. I know you can't tell me what to do I have to make a decesion. it's hard I pray for guidance I
So blinded why?
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.

Hi again, Jasmine.

Thanks so much for your patience. As you know, I'm usually online most of the day and night, but today I had to be offline for a while and could not respond to your post immediately.

The situation is a difficult one because he has made it so. He says he loves you but something is missing (this is what I got from what you said--I hope I didn't misunderstand), yet he wants you to be happy and feels like he's holding you back. Either you love someone and want to be with them or not. It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants, he doesn't want to hurt you by telling you he doesn't love you, but he wants you to be happy so you have to let go of him and move on.

Saying he left so he can figure it out is a very weird statement. There's no denying that you WERE great together and probably can be again, but something is holding him back.

Spiritually, I feel while you were together, you were soulmates and meant for each other. Something scared him and made him feel he needed to leave. You did nothing wrong--I've told you this before. He is full of self-doubt about what he has done and also full of conflicting emotions about you. He still has feelings for you but yet feels he cannot be with you. He 'unselfishly' is telling you not to hold on to him or what you had, but move on with your life, and this is what I feel would be best for you at this time.

You do need to be very strong at this time and seek happiness down the path of your life. The right guidance will come from within you. You will make a decision and know it is the right one for you. By continuing to hold on to your love for him, it is preventing you from moving on and being happy. He is very confused and he is making you confused, so you need to listen to both your heart and your brain and make the decision that is best for you at this time. You're blinded by your love for him, but if that love is not returned 100%, you have to seek other options so you can be happy.

You can continue talking, but I don't see the conversations being any different than the one you just had. In a way, it was a good thing that you met in person and got to talk. You asked him direct questions and he gave you 'some' information. I don't think he knows what he wants and he doesn't want to hurt you, but he's certainly gone about all this in the wrong way. He could have had this discussion with you before he left for NY and told you how he was feeling. It was selfish of him not to. He ran away from a difficult situation, without any regard to your feelings.

God will give you the strength to endure whatever comes along, now. You are, and have been, very strong, and things will work out for you the way they are meant to be.

Stay strong........I know you have it in you! You've proven it before.


I wish you only the best and you are in my thoughts and prayers for things to go smoothly from now on!

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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi cher,


 


hope you had a great weekend, im feeling little sad and lonely, I have alot going on in my life now. one of my biggest obstalces is getting rid of this great love i have for my ex, or husband etc. I feel im getting closure or should have the last 4 days we spend together, we talked and prety much is the same if not all he says nothing has changed. somthing still missing anf he said he could not give me more love that he coul have and tht sometims he does not love himself, at the same time he said his not as confidnt as i think he is he said how can i give you more, and that the man he is now was back then is not best for me or the man i deserve. he said even if he would had stayed eventually he would had exploded or this side of him "monster" i woul not like to live with, he also said that he feels that he has me holding on to his finger, he said he said also time changes people like his feeling for me they are diffrent -but that he will alwasy have this love for he cant take out.. its like he was speaking to me in riddles he said i may not see this now will later.. he still promise made me promise that anything i need to talk or financial that to not call to heistate. but that we cant keep doing this our self we need to let go.


he ask if i want to go through with the legal seperation 'i responded right away yes.. during tears and he said that was fast i said you left me.abondon me i feel like his leaving it up to me - he responded by saying i think/feel its what you need to move on etc.. not what he feels to do.


he reffered me to the company he works for it requires travel and that i should try it.. Cher.. im a little confused about a few things i feel i need to move one with work and focus on that - im harding my heart and mind to not contact him..


at the end of our departing we hug and i said i have this great love for you -his respond was let it go...i feel so unloved and rejected when all i did was give him my all.


 


why cant he not see that?


i have not intrest in any man now. and i have had a few pesues some are just tempred or no patient for what i want or not showing like i want to see them etc.. ive been seriois lately and im not this kind of person


im going crazy here...i hold myslef to reach out to him in the last few days - i really want to not speak to him at all until i have no more love for him. im forcing my self to let go anf move on somthing deep inside does not allow me. why? i dont want to hope or feel to have hope this are -strong abulivant feelings


my friends say karma is coming back to him - i dont wish that .. they say you did nothing wrong he will feel it later not now..


im happy and excited to take this new step in my life about disconncting from his business or his partners -feel like i need this, traing in diffrent states/overseas and convention for now till i land the job im looking somtimes i get sad when i thik of him or what he did to me.. and the choice he made how can I over come this feeling ?


 

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

I'm glad to hear from you again! Sorry for the delay, as I was offline when you posted.

I feel that he is giving you mixed signals and also that a lot of what he says does not make sense. I feel that he is doing this, not to purposely hurt you, but because he, himself, is confused, but knows what's best for himself and that is to be legally separated right now. I'm glad you immediately said 'yes' when he asked you this and it peaked his curiosity. That's alright; he doesn't say much about his life now, and he knows how you still feel about him, and he doesn't know details of your life now, either. That's how it should be.

The offer to get in touch with people he works for to possibly find a job was a kind gesture, but you should learn from experience (working with him and his partner) and not follow that route. You can find a wonderful job on your own. Your experience speaks for itself and a job that would entail traveling around the U.S. and to other countries, would be a nice change for you.

I'm a little confused regarding this 'monster' side of himself which he spoke about. How could you have been married for so long and not have seen this side of him? It's not possible. I think he's using it as an excuse or perhaps it's the truth and he has some sort of personality disorder which makes him aggressive or violent and he takes medication for it and you never experienced an 'outburst', but the whole thing does not sound kosher to me.

We have all loved and lost, at some time in our lives, and as the famous line states from a poem by Lord Alfred Tennyson, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." You feel now, like you are not interested in any men that may show an interest in you and that's fine. You are not ready to move on yet, because you need time to grieve the ending of this relationship. This is a very difficult thing and it will take time, but what will help is to have nothing to do with him, no communication or seeing him again and let the lawyers take care of everything.

Your love for him is not something you can turn off and on at will; you must make peace with the fact that you are no longer going to be a couple and promise yourself you will do everything in your power to move on in your life to make yourself most happy. You don't have to even include meeting men in your future plan; that can come later. First, reconcile within yourself that what has happened is for the best, XXXXX XXXXX makes you sad and feel empty inside, which is a very normal reaction; it's done; there's no changing it--it's out of your control--the final decision has been made, and it won't change, so that's your 'closure' and you can't dwell on it. It's a very sad turn of events, but it was no surprise to you. You had said quite a while ago that you knew it was over and you can't forgive him for the way he treated you. The circumstances and facts are still the same, but I'm glad you had these 4 days to spend with him and make it your final goodbye.

You will move on with your life and yes, it will take time and you will never forget your love for him or what you had together and you can look upon those memories with happiness but realistically, you know that HE ended it and it's still not clear why, but sometimes couples do grow apart and even if only one half of the couple feels that way, there's nothing to be done, but to separate and divorce. He is the one that initiated this and as we've discussed, you've done nothing wrong, so you can't say to yourself: 'what could I have done better?' the answer is 'nothing'.

When you find yourself thinking about him or your situation, which I know is dominating your mind right now, distract yourself with an activity or thought which makes you happy. For example, picture a new home you will have and decorate it in your mind. Picture a new job you will have and the excitement of doing what you love, coupled with travel and meeting new people, seeing new places. Pick out your wardrobe for each trip to a different place in a different season.

You are strong, you will get through this and once it is finalized, you will be moving further and further away from the situation in your mind so you won't be sad anymore. One day you WILL meet another man who is right for you; you're young and you will have this dream come true for you, of true love, unconditional love, and children.

So, don't look at this only as an 'ending', but as a new beginning for you.

I only wish the best for you!


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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ask him of his family had anything to do with our separation - what does your instinct tell you - he said they do not have anything to do with it - his fany think I'm a good person - all he says is his missing somthing in hisufe and his searching for it still looking.. It's not his family it's him ( his decesion) that'sije sitting in my head
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

Sorry, I was not online when you posted, so thanks for your patience.

I don't think he's completely telling the truth about his family (they do not dislike you), however, I do feel that what he says, regarding it being his own decision and saying he feels there is something missing in his life, is the truth. The reference I'm feeling about his family is that he discussed the situation with them and they said to him, 'if you're not happy and feel like you're missing something in your life, go ahead with the separation and start over.' They did not push him into anything. It was totally his decision.

As I mentioned last night, sometimes couples grow apart and one will feel the marriage is no longer working for them; however, the way he went about this entire thing is totally unacceptable and wrong and was extremely hurtful to you. He could have communicated with you that he feels he is not completely fulfilled in this marriage and wants to leave it; but, he did not do that.

Just leaving for NY without any communication, was the "chicken's" way out and his feelings for you should have caused him to talk it out with you instead of just leaving. Not being able to communicate all this to you at the beginning, caused you a lot of emotional distress, which could have been avoided. He seemed undecided, but I think he knew what he wanted when he left, way back then. Again, it has nothing to do with you or the kind of wife you are/were. It was all him. He could be having a mid-life crisis even if agewise, he doesn't seem old enough for that.

You will most likely never know the truth about what you suspect with his family, but I do strongly feel it was his decision and they did not push him.

Jasmine, would you mind taking a moment to Rate my answer positively; if you don't, I do not get any credit from the site for my help, and I'm always happy to help you. Thanks!

Best regards,
Cher
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi well it been over a week now -we have not talked only just a few mins ago regrading a new opportunity overseas I have not made the decesion depating the best terms for myself -however is with the company he works for and he referred and recommendse so they called me.. I'm not sure if this is the right move its just odd how life is I leave one place to not have any more connection- I know his trying to help, but I also know that I'm the best for what the company he works for is looking for -sales,traing and motivation and the skills I have -I feel it's a great opportunity for me -besides I also need to make money.. I'm still keeping my search obtions open and going into what I really want-I've been dealing with a decesion of not speaking to him or having any type of contact - for my sake to think his dead to me and that there is no more hope etc.. once I think I'm goi g trough filing my legal separation -it seems wrong?! Why! Feeling wise -when I think of it from the mind based on his actions I should just doi it.. It was his choice for leavin This relationship... I'm confused I'm not interests in any ring serious with anyone I like to date to move forward. I feel it will help . I just have not been attracted to anyone lately either too old or tooo young:/ or not mature tooo serious. Why I'm I confused I'm I I. Denial? How clear those all of this have to be for me -I want to get d. For how my life is now do not want to do it from emotions I feel his leaving to me why doesn't he file.?! I feel his leaving to me I do t understand ??!!
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.

Hi again Jasmine.

I'm sorry you're still feeling so conflicted and it's going to be like this for a little while longer. From what you have said, there are no more decisions to be made; you've already made them. You cannot continue being married to him because he is not interested in a reconciliation and has told you so, unfortunately, that this is not what he wants. So, the legal separation and divorce will take place. If he doesn't file, you can file. I've heard there's something positive and something negative about filing, but I'm not an attorney, so he (your attorney) would be your best source to ask about this.

While it was decent of him to recommend you to his company for what sounds like an ideal job, think carefully about if you really want to work for the same company he's working for and take a chance that whatever you are doing and wherever you are located, he might find out all the information about what's going on in your life. While it would be desirable for you to make this 'cut' permanently, and not have anything further to do with him, including any ties to a job, I understand your ambivalence because the job sounds perfect for you. This is a tough decision which you will have to make. I feel that if you really want to take the job, you can see how it works out and use it as a stepping stone to something better, in the future. But, you will also have to be very careful who you speak to and what you say, knowing that it might get back to him. Give it some thought and decide what will be best for you at this particular time.

Don't worry too much about having another man in your life. Once you are officially 'free' (divorced), you will not have a problem attracting men who are interested in you and you will have a good social life. You will find someone who shares your feelings, emotions, ethics, and plans for the future. It will happen. You just can't rush it. It will happen when you are not expecting it, so that's something nice to look forward to!

If you feel he's leaving it up to you to file, as I mentioned, discuss it with your lawyer and do it, unless it will have negative implications for the divorce, financially.

There's no reason for you to speak to him and try to move on as well as you can. This nightmare will be over soon and you will begin a whole new life and you will be much happier. You need to stop questioning yourself and his actions, and take one day at a time. Take all burden off yourself; you did nothing wrong.

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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I know it's not going to be positive for him at least. His going through an extension towards his permat/10 year how ever I just sense since the last time I saw him he did not even try to get close to me -we sleeped in the same room somthing needed up happening due to we're I was going to stay.he was cold and distance in Momments stared and touched my hand when he saw me few times in and seem to uncertain feeling or understand him mix signals I always wonder if he has anyone in his life now steady or just seeing diffent people. it's been 8 months and still feel this way even when I say to let to, I want to be happy - I feel by filing its feels wrong -then when I think of happiness -seems free I don't know what the future holds -I know deep inside of me he will not ever find the kind of woman I was with with him , in a way I feel that I was traing relationships before he decides to settle make all the mistakes with me .. I know his not ready for anything serious now I sense it .. I really do. Of want to continue to be In touch I don't see the benifits for me or him he does not want to work this out -you think he will sign ? he said that I may need this becouse to disconnect -Its not the marriage it's part is the all I feel I put int my love like no other .. I don't want to do this and the have him to come back he did say if he looks for me or comtacfs me ro come back i do f know what he meant by that.. I will seek council this dvrc. Does not feel right to me I'm forcing it -I know I'm doing the right thing due to his actions no reconciliation I sense that even after this he will still try to each me -I don't want to be in contact with him. I feel lke going to a fortune teller -lol I laugh at it I'm grieving I feel it's wrong and doing the right thing is not alway the right things to do.:0 help thank you for your patience :)
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine and you're most welcome!

Thanks very much for your postive rating; I do appreciate it. : )

You're right, he will never find your equal in a woman! You were the best wife to him and he's thrown it all away. Yes, I, too, have often felt in a relationship, that I was the 'training' for the man and then he left me to go on to another woman with all the great things I taught him and confidence I gave him. This is not an unusual situation, but it sure is frustrating and feels like a betrayal when it happens. However, his actions and his words have made it clear he 'needs' this for some unknown reason and you can't fight him on it. He doesn't get a 'second chance'. If he decides he made a mistake and in the future seeks you out and asks you to come back, he can't have you. He made the wrong decision to give you up and there's no going back. After what he's put you through and the way he left, he can never be trusted again.

I understand your indecision regarding the filing, but if he's not moving on it, you'll have to, to get this over with. For the past 8 months, you've been in 'limbo', due to his decision and now something specific and definite must be done so you can be free to go on with your life.

You have no reason to be in contact with him and you won't have to be. As far as I know, depending on how your attorney handles your divorce, you might not even have to be in court for the proceedings; your attorney can speak for you. If you both agree and the divorce is not 'contested' by either one of you, it's a 'simple' divorce. That's what I've heard from friends--as I said, I'm not an attorney, so I can't tell for sure what will happen in your case, but if you tell your attorney you'd rather not be there or see him as few times as possible, I'm sure he'll arrange that for you. I see no reason why he (your husband) will not sign. He asked for this. There is no reason for you to have any communication once it's finalized, if that's what you decide you want.

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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I need to let to move on I see someone said in dont marry the person you can live with you marry the person you can't live without does that make sense - I ask him many things of many he never gives me an answer or responds all he says is you may not see it now its whats best for both of us and ou happiness . How can some one say they will alway have love for you and it's somthing they can't take out becouse the y feel it .. I will usually say nothing like that I feel like sorry for myself .. I don't know what it as else he wanted for me to give .. I also look back and was just thinking about him no me or what I will feel -I did not fight for if I did bbelisve you fight you want to be chosen :/ I will get through this lately he has been distance specially since our last meet if seem like closures for him and some for me .. I hate him.
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine and thanks once again for your positive rating and your reply.

Yes! I have heard that saying too, and I think it is very true and makes a lot of sense!

Also, remember there's a saying that there's a thin line between love and hate and that's why you feel you hate him now. I must agree with you that it is very mysterious that his words and actions don't always agree and there is something behind why he did this, that he is not revealing to you. I truly don't believe it's another woman, as I've always said from the beginning, but I feel he might have become scared. Scared because he loved you so much, but felt something was missing from his life. Perhaps he is out there looking for what's missing, but all the time it will have been YOU! It doesn't matter if he comes to that realization, because after the way he treated you, I can't see you ever taking him back.

You gave everything and thensome! There was nothing you did wrong that made him leave. This is something he manufactured in his own mind, and decided to take action on it. Granted, he did it in a very wrong and hurtful way (you always hurt the ones you love--if we're sticking to 'sayings', here). I don't know if you'll ever find out what was going on in his mind (even HE may not know what that is), but perhaps one day, many years from now, it will be revealed, and might or might not make sense.

Don't blame yourself for not fighting. I believe you did, and you did a great job of it. He was not giving you straight answers and couldn't give you any information, actually, for his actions. You asked him and he spoke in riddles. He never, ever answered that question with accuracy. As I mentioned, he either doesn't know himself or he doesn't want to share his genuine feelings with you. It's a pretty weird situation and I feel he owes you that much, to tell you the truth, if he knows it!

If you feel you are beginning to get closure, that's very good; it will take a while to get complete closure, like after the divorce is final, but, you'll get through it and will feel relieved once it's over, even though it will still hurt. Just don't ever blame yourself; you did nothing wrong and everything you did right, like being a wonderful, loving wife, and being yourself, is what HE is throwing away right now, and I do believe one day he will regret it.

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Cher

PS: It's very late for me now and I must sign off for the night, so if you want to reply, please wait until tomorrow afternoon when I'm back online. Thanks! : )
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I have to share he was accepted his card for ten years. I was the first to know he thank me a lot for this, how ever his in Israel for pesach:) I was there last year -I'm in Florida for work and some pleasure - I did an international plan for him he requested thy from me before he left -usually he will call and tell me when he lands he did not this time and I text him saying thank you for tellingly you landed and thank you .. He responded today a day later , it bothers me a little bit that I so things nice/caring gestures -not respond when I can see his on line through an application. Called whats up that I downloaded for him -lol it's just I feel that I should not do anything nice it's not like he appreciates - how so I make the step to completely cut all contact from him - when we still have lines together and married etc -now it's not a big deal he for his documents accepted its great news for him -sad to say I still have love for him it's not easy not to think of him. I just want to focus I. Working our getting self I a better shape -my career my goals to better my life I feel like I have to be heartless.. I'm not this kind of person when I still feel and love.
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

Thanks so much for your patience, as I was offline when you posted back.

I'm glad to hear that you're in Florida for work and some pleasure--you need relaxation time for yourself!

When you said "he was accepted his card for ten years", did you mean his green card was renewed for ten years and this is due to you, because he married an American citizen and that's why he thanked you alot?

Yes, things have changed from when he would call you in the past to let you know he landed, after a trip, because your relationship has changed. I understand that you still have love for him, and thinking of him a lot is normal. He was a big part of your life and you are the type of person who puts her 'all' into her marriage, her man, in addition to everything you do.

The only way to take the step to cut all contact with him is to not take his calls, texts, etc. and not make any calls to him or text or email. If you would like to first send him an email saying it is necessary for you to cut all contact with him at this time, as it will be best for both of you and for the situation, and then stop communicating with him, that's the only way to accomplish it. It has to be a 'clean' cut with no going back and not seeing him, speaking to him, etc. This, I feel, is the only way you will be able to overcome all the hurt he has put you through and start a new life. Your feeling that you will have to be heartless, in a way, is true. We know you're not this kind of person at all, especially because you still feel and love. However, as a survival tool, you realize that you need to change the way you think of him and concentrate on improving your life now, with work and other diversions. What you have going for you is that you are a very intelligent woman. You are strong--stronger than you think, and you are capable of doing these things. No, they will not be easy, and you realize that, but you need to convince yourself that everything you do from now on is for yourself, and you have to take of you.

I know you realize this, but you have to put 'theory into practice', meaning take action, not just think about it. You have already taken many actions you needed to take, but didn't necessarily want to take, so you can continue and just remember that the ultimate outcome will be a better YOU. As painful as it is, every life experience is a learning one, and you have certainly learned from this one. Although, as I keep reminding you, you did nothing wrong and it was all his decision to leave this marriage without discussing it with you. Always keep this in mind, so that it helps to fuel your anger and/or your plans to better yourself as you emerge from this situation (legal separation/divorce).

There's no denying that it's difficult to control the emotions of the heart, but it can be done through mind over matter. When you think that you still have love for him, your next thought should be how he left without notice and just moved to another city. This act did not show any regard for your feelings and he never really was able to explain to you why he did it.

This is your time, concentrate on you, enjoy your vacation in Florida and believe that things will get better, because they will!

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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi Cher I'm back at my place and thank you for your advice -it's been a week that I have not spoken to my ex by text or phone -I made a decision I'm sticking to it,however he has contacted me several times and wished me a happy Passover, also saying saying I'm wondering once again why cut him off. I'm going to tell you I don't want to respond ever.. I feel I was way to good and he Dow not appreciate me as a person or consider how this change will affect me. I don't know what it is he wants from me -its awkward I don't feel confortable any more my feelings for him are still fresh -this trip made me realize I'm worth more respect and love consideration. Although I have left Few people and did meet two guys one is super young and the other is at a stage mature wise -any how it's not becouse of these men -is about me I need closure and streghting my life choices for me .. why do I feel that he shoulbe dead to me and no contact whats so ever .. Is this a good choice .. Beside feeling it is my heart is harded now no feeling of compassion. For my ex etc.. Why is this happening to me?
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again Jasmine!

I'm glad to hear you're home and you're most welcome for the advice. Your positive feedback is greatly appreciated!

I wish you a very Happy Pesach!

Sorry for the delay in responding, but I was out at a seder and just got back.

I'm glad you haven't responded to him or had contact with your ex for the past week. I'm glad you made this decision and are sticking with it, despite his contacting you to wish you Happy Passover. If he is wondering why you cut him off, he hasn't understood a word of what you've already said to him and hasn't heard a word of what he, himself has said to you.

All of your reactions and feelings are very natural, under the circumstances. Very often, after a separation like this, it does harden your heart because you've been hurt and you want to promise yourself you will never allow this hurt to happen again. Although it's been hard, this is all a learning experience and you've learned more about yourself and about him. You are absolutely right! You ARE too good for him and after giving your heart to him, he broke it, so you are not obligated to have contact with him or exchange 'pleasantries' anymore. If he doesn't understand why, there's no one who can explain it to him; he has to figure it out for himself.

You are taking a very positive step in what you're doing now, and that is great for you! You see that other men find you attractive (of this, there was never any doubt), and when you're ready, you will start dating and enjoying yourself once again.

Through this experience, you were able to see his true colors and understand more about yourself, as well, so there is a positive side to this.

I respect the fact that you have not had contact with him for a week and applaud you for your self-restraint. Keep up the good work! There is really no reason for you to have any contact with him at all, and from now on, your lawyers can handle everything. You had to make the 'cut' and you did it!

I hope you continue to be strong and do more to improve life for yourself, because you deserve only good things. Keep reminding yourself of that!

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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Shabbath shalom .. I need your advice -in have not been in contact with my ex -he just text me wish me a shabath shalom .. I feel to respond at the same time I made a promise no matter what all is dead to me .. I feel him -at the same time I must forget and move forward. His in Israel now with family -
Honest truth I feel ashame embarrassed for how he presented/left me in his family friends co old workers eyes
Believe it or not it's not that I dont love -I shut my heart out.-emotionless cold place in my mind he does not love me a s has moved on as I need will. Find my happiness not through him -but to self
I dot. Know if to respond I feel if I do in opening the door. To other interactions. I don't want - some one above me advices whats best for me and my happiness. There's more to all of this'd think I .. Cutting all contact is the way to see the reality of all this -his decision I do t understand how he still tries to reach me - you got want u wanted your freedom,experiments or experiences see what other goodies your missing on its ok I'm not selfish go on explore be happy since you are no longer happy with me or te life you had, if here was no love or sparks etc.. -I don't care anymore -all of a sudden I get colder and think to myself even if he shows a caring way at this point you don't have to respond -I'm it this kind of woman I don't hold grudges I just feel that I have to do this singe can see the choice he made I feel I've been there for us in contact now I cut all ties on communications lol of this . Confuses my decesion somthing tells me I must not however it may be wrong,it's the only way to see reality at least to live with me I his life as I in his not just being able to live with a partner -without for ever.
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

Shabbat Shalom to you too!

I understand your feelings and they are very clear. If he keeps texting you to wish you happy holiday (no matter what holiday) and Shabbat Shalom every Friday night, while his intentions seem honorable and the 'right' thing to do, since he's been doing it for a while, it does not erase the fact that he left you and the bad circumstances he has created for you, since.

So, my advice is to not respond and keep your promise to yourself, as your way of moving on and putting this behind you. He can't have it both ways.......leave you, not be completely honest with you about the reason, and still text you with his good wishes. It's not that you don't wish him the same, but responding would be going back on your word to yourself that you would not have any contact with him unless absolutely necessary.

I know it's hard and I know it hurts, but being strong enough to not respond, is a great attribute you have. Stick to your original plan and don't allow him to dissuade you from it. If you decided no contact, uphold your decision.


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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I view it as to live without me in his life as I in his - however I'm going over sease for a very important traing. In sales it's the company he works for his in nyc ill be I. Uk London for a few weeks I'm very excited I want will do my best in this training it's opening doors for me - ;) this si Just part of my. Stepping Stone till the bigger picture is te reality.. I have such a positive feeling about all of this - at te same time little fear not too much I believe it creates failure it's challenge to me :) also one reason why I want to cut all contact however he referred me spoke highly too .. I have to push that to the side and acknowledge it -still will remain I. No cntact with him.
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

That overseas trip to London sounds fantastic! It's very exciting and yes, this training will help to open many new doors for you. It was decent of him to recommend you highly for this position, which may be a real life-changer for you, but those are two completely different things......you deciding to not have contact with him due to your personal situation, which he caused, and your future job. You don't have to feel beholden to him for referring you and speaking highly of you for this job. It's the least he could do, and while you are thankful for the recommendation, it doesn't change what he did to you in the past and that's why your decision to have no contact is independent of the work situation.

I'm so glad you feel positive about this new life you're going to be starting, beginning with the training in London. I understand your small amount of fear, but that's because it's fear of the unknown; as you said, you just have a little, and that's very normal. You'll do fine! This is all turing out to be great for you, and I'm very happy for you! : )

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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He called today left a msg saying -he knows what I'm doing is bot even hoing to get into that subject any wats and respects that we should talk to contact him and mid wondering if I'm going to London etcc does not know where I'm at wanted to know I'm okay-- i dont Care Anymore ! decided to cut all Contact - i will be moving by end of may dont know Where yet will not Stay there Anymore. i will forenses all
Mail To him , i feel and think theres Is notjimj moré To talk about he got his permant Stay -and his life the way he wants , Now im living mine Making moves to surround my self with positive successful good people .. That's what I ask believe and will receive, if down the road we cross each other let it be accidental but for now -I'm moving forwarded I have no intentions to return his calls or wishes .. All has been said and done. I need to be strong if I contact him I will break the promise to myself to move forward it's not easy - I can't second guess his feelings or mine anymore or ill be in limbo. Shavua tov!
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

I think your resolve to cut all contact and not respond to his messages/calls, etc., is the right thing to do for you, at this moment. I'm so proud of you for sticking to your original plan of 'no contact', and you're right......continuing contact will only make the situation worse for you and hinder your plans to move on and be surrounded by only positive, successful people, like yourself. You are a strong woman and now it is showing in the best way possible. You don't have to let him know where you are or what you're doing. When the divorce proceedings take place, your lawyer can talk to his lawyer, but your address will probably be on the papers, so then he will know where you are. No big deal. He's not going to come and track you down.

Did you ever consider changing your phone number so he has no way to reach you? It's a possibility to think about. Of course, you'd have to go through the hassle of letting all your friends/contacts know of the change, but it might be worth it if you don't want to hear from him again and will not be responding to his texts/messages.

You've made a very intelligent decision!

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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi Cher - i dont know What To say To this Or responde To My ex at this Momment---i like to share With you, made a promise cut all Contact To self move forward, im not confused im aware that there are things hay need To be talked about ...this Is What he Text me Just a few Minutes, (Hi Jazz. 
I am here in NY. 
I understand your need for space from me. There Is a few things we need to talk about and it's important things. Call me when ready. Hope you are ok where you are.)

Should i respond Or Call Or -i feel like doing neither. i Just dont Care To speak to him, I feel and think that he does should not have the previlege to speak to me.

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

It's possible that the important things he mentions, which the two of you need to talk about may be regarding the separation/divorce.

I completely agree that you made your decision not to communicate with him, and you are absolutely right, that he shouldn't have the 'privilege' to speak to you. I like your thinking on that!

You can choose to do one of several things: text him back and say something like 'Yes, I have a need for space from you, so please do not contact me again. I cannot be in contact with you at all, anymore.' OR you can choose not to respond at all, OR you can tell your lawyer to respond to him, and if you want to, you can tell him in your text, should you choose to text him, 'please have your lawyer contact my lawyer from now on.'

Now, having the lawyers contact each other is going to be expensive. Because lawyers charge by the hour, every phone call, email, letter, etc., is charged to your account.

If you send back a text and make it clear you cannot and will not be in contact with him at all, you've said your peace, you said it in a clear, complete, concise way which cannot be misinterpreted, and he should stop trying to contact you. If he doesn't, and you want to be nasty about it (which I don't know if you want to do), you can always report him for harassment.

I would definitely never choose to speak to him on the phone again, but it's your choice, whether you want to put it in writing telling him you will not be in contact with him, or do nothing at all and don't respond to his text.

One more option, if you feel comfortable about it. You can ask him to email you all the important things he says you need to discuss. You can respond, if it really IS important, or you can choose not to respond. Now, emailing IS a form of communication, but it can give you time to think about what you want to say back to him and it is not as personal as a phone call or a text, plus, it can only be used for very 'important' things you may need to discuss.

You will need to choose what you feel most comfortable with. If you ask him to email, it might be important things or it might be an excuse just to be in contact with you, so that might be necessary to know. If you choose not to have any communication with him, as you decided, there is no obligation for you to respond to anything he texts, emails, or leaves as phone messages.

I hope this helped.

Please make sure to Rate my answer with Positive Feedback, as that is the only way in which I am credited by the site for my time, work, and expertise. Thank you very much; your positive ratings are always greatly appreciated!
Laughing

Best regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
This is what I reposed just nowHi Adam, yes I have a need of space from you,so please do not contact me again. I cannot be In contact with you at all anymore,how ever what are the few things we need to talk about that are important?
This is what he text me-Well i am sorry that thats how you feel Jaz.
It's not for texting. Can we speak when you are comfort? This evening maybe?
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

Thanks for your patience; I just came online.

You did very well with your response to him!

I would text back or email (are you able to email him?) and say something like:

No, my comfort level and decision to not be in contact with you will not change by this evening. If these important things deal with something 'legal', please contact my attorney (and give him the attorney's information if he doesn't already have it); if it is 'personal', send me an email. I will not be speaking on the phone with you.

Put it into your own words and see how he responds.

Has anyone filed for a legal separation or divorce, yet?


Please make sure to Rate my answer with Positive Feedback, as that is the only way in which I am credited by the site for my time, work, and expertise. Thank you very much; your Positive Rating is always greatly appreciated!
Laughing


Best regards,
Cher
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hello Cher shabbath shalom
I have to say that I spoke to him a few days ago. the conversation was that if this he understand my space away -but he needed me for other things, such as the a few things he needed from me and that if his so what I want? Not to speak to him or cut communication, I was in silence -then I said after everything how can you expect for me to speak to you.. He said it was not right cutting him off and we have things together, I said so then lets tal care of it and then that should be it.he sid its not about this - i said so What Is it he said i dont want To rehash I said -we are not how can you expect for me to be like friends as nothing after the choice you made, you made it not me fine lets not -his said right I do t either I just want to make sure you are ok and it matters if to dont want me to know or need anything from me the ill leave you alone, I said that is your choice do as you wish. He said I can see you don't need me.. I did not respond, other things were said regarding London he said talk tomrww.
Anyhow I spoke to him when I arrived- we have not spoke since-the one thing is I came here with such drive and focus -I feel a little down. Maybe lost or jet lag .. Energy is down I don't know how to get I back up I'm trying it a roller cooster -I'm training people here he pressure is on me 'and high expectation from the people I report too -I'm crying as I speak I can't will not loose this opportunity -based on sales -I'm at selffridges-in London I really want this I need to focus I want soo bad to take this feeling of sad I. A way of not being loved in a sense where I thought I was by someone that I gave my all too :( I was doi g good and felt I was moving forward -he knows my voice and all -I do t understand his motive for all of this .. I like once we talk he hears from me he disappears -not that I want to hear -I do at the same time I know it's not good for me now - I fell weak when I do and when I don't communicate with him he will. It stop to reach me ... How can I focus at work keep my energies high and smile and confidence and the drive "I want it how can I block him totally?! Not feel or think of him how!? I feel torn as before -you must think I'm weak or hard to understand myself I just don't get it -all I said to him was I'm living my life just like you are what do you want he said nothing he understands there's ways I can respond or behave with him or us .. I'm just like all I have been is good to you and understanding what else do you want me to be like ... I said I don't need the drama now he said yes that's why lets not deal or talk a out it now.. I know I. His voice it bothered him when I cut him off.. he said you at going to be great they will love you .. Be well and goodnight..

Yes I may seem all over the place I want my drive energy back .. Wish I can figure it how -I tried differ things :/ feel distracted I will not accept that
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.

Hi again, Jasmine.

 

Shabbat Shalom to you!

You are absolutely correct! You need your mind to be clear in order to concentrate on what you are doing now, in London with this new job, and you cannot be distracted by anything, but be focused on what is important. You must banish any thoughts of him from your mind and ONLY think of what you need to do to make a good impression on the people in London and the training, etc.

Do not communicate with him in any way, shape or form. No texts, no email, no phone. You are there to do one thing and he is not part of it. Have fun, feel free and high energy again, and change your way of thinking while you're in a new country/city (London is great and I'm familiar with Selfridges) and ONLY focus on your purpose being there. Push him out of your mind and if you find him wandering back into your thoughts, distract yourself with something enjoyable and do not allow it to happen (him, in your head!).

Don't feel down, because you did nothing wrong and he is trying to manipulate and control you through pretending he wants to know how you're doing. Tell him (if he should contact you again) you will not be able to be in touch with him until you are back home; then you'll take your next step from there. Pretend, for now, on this trip, that he doesn't exist.

Go out with new friends/co-workers, see the sights, have fun because you deserve it!

Let me know how things are going there and what you're doing for FUN!

Please take a moment to Rate with Positive Feedback (Laughing), as that is the only way in which I am credited by the site for my time, work, and expertise. Thank you very much, I appreciate it!

Best wishes from 'across the pond',

Cher
Laughing

Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 18720
Experience: M.A., B.A., Author, Senior Informational Specialist
Cher and 104 other General Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I will keep you posted, it hit me hard i know its Just My first oficial day i did not do as i want - i. Trianing all Eyes are on me. Yes the preside Is on on a Model product To What evryone o the floor should be doing -numbers units-- and moré
Im going To sleep and get some rest i have To be up early morn

I will leave a positive finges PRINt in this company My life and future depends on it, its a steppi g Stone for greater things.
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.

Hi again, Jasmine and thanks very much for your positive feedback!

I understand, it's only your first official day and much to do, and I'm sure you're also jet-lagged. Get a good night's sleep and then you will feel better tomorrow.

You WILL leave a positive fingerprint on this company. You are very good at what you do and I'm sure they'll love you.


Sleep well!

Best regards,
Cher : )

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi how are you log time we have chatted.. Ive been dealing with self getting myself together, lots have been going on.


 


I like to get your advice, before anything I have to say thank you for your support you have mentor me in one of my hardest emotional time.


 


Im back to dealing with a him and at this point we will sit down and talk however we had a bad conversation last night over the phone, I have relocated to NY-is where he is residing, one of the reason why did not come here in the first place.. my intentions are not to be here to be with him however Im evolving my self to get a better career of my own not my own busines requires money and focus- I dont want to go into an emotional break again he said some really bad things to me last night, All I was asking was for his assitnce finaclly he said again , then i said I gave you what you wanted which was mailed to me then give to him- i had it for a while - have not ever ask for sothing in return- all my friends said i would not give it to him im not this kind of person .. they feel he was with me for that, at one point started to belive that - at the same time when i would speak to him it seem diffrnt and but his actons never made sense to me


he came to me not to give it to him if I think for a second he was with me for that I had his card and I told him if I aver needed anything he will be there for me anyting he said yes he aggreed,


another thing that was said was it does not matter anymore why he left he said it does not matter why he left he just did --- which is somthing he said he explain to me he said i choose not to see it.. i dont know how to respond - when it did not seem concrete just he did not seee his life that way anymore.. its funny now that he has his you know """ what"""his willing to talk before he was not so how can i even not reply in a way of telling his his actions or my persception about it - he said he as with me for 4 years not for htis etc becouse he really love me etc. he did the things he did for me while we were seerated he carde and wanted too.. now he said he cant contunue dealing with this.. i dont feel like meeting eith his thiat sat which is the only day "im scared, im angry i have all this things in my head that my friends said how he will behave after he recived his "you know " i told him I hate him, and what he did .. i became cold then he said fine if this is how you want to behave then he said i told you we should not have talked it was not good timing etc.


theres is soo much to say ... I dont know how I should handle this he does not want to see an attrny about this i dont know why?


his become self absorbed tooo - I I did not have to bring his things with me .. i have been soo


 


I brought this up the other night becouse a friends and a friend said i should look into having a future kids etc.. - im ready with the right person i met a person a few some are just lingering the other wants serious family kids etc.. that sort of scared me only its him .. but if it was anthr person I want it does not ..


 


there are some that can be sexual encounters which i dont mind asometimes i feel that if I have sex they will view me as a piece just sex nothing serious


 

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine and thanks for your update.

I just logged on, so please allow me a short while to read your message and then I will respond. Thanks!

Best regards,
Cher
Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine.

Please accept my apologies. I had to tend to an emergency and now am back. Thanks so much for your patience! Also, thanks very much for your kind words; I'm so glad I am able to be there for you for support during your most difficult times! : )

I was just thinking about you the other day, because I hadn't heard from you, and I was hoping things were going well!

Thanks for your update on how things have been going. I'm glad you moved to NY to start your life and your career over; I know you didn't move there for him, but I had also mentioned that you can live in that city without even seeing him/contacting him, etc.

I'm sorry that he said some mean and inappropriate things to you in your recent conversation last night. He should be very grateful that you brought some of his things with you (as you said, you didn't have to, but that's the type of person you are!), but I'm a little confused about the papers he asked you to sign re: divorce, etc. and you had a lawyer too, where you used to live, right? So, are you going on with the divorce or is that on hold for now? If you want financial help from him, the only way to get that, in my opinion, is to get divorced, then he should have to pay you alimony.

I wasn't sure about everything you had said, but you've gotten together with him since you moved to NY? Have you been intimate? If so, of course that is totally up to you, but I would try not to see/speak to him too much. He's giving you a hard time now, he can't give a reason for leaving---still---you've been asking him for so long. Everything he does, he does for a reason and it's always for HIS benefit. I think the only way you'll be truly happy is to not have very much to do with him and you're starting a new life for yourself, in a new city with prospects of business opportunities and meeting new men. It seems you've met some already, and I know you will eventually meet someone you 'click' with and who wants the same things as you, out of life. I have to tell you honestly, being a native New Yorker, it is a great place to meet people and the opportunities are endless.

For the moment, you have to stop speaking with him and concentrate on what you need to do for yourself to be successful in your career and in your social life. You mentioned you've met some men already, which is great, and you will meet more, but you are a very smart woman and just make sure you are not being 'used' just to have a 'good time' and then they don't call you again. Unless you also enjoy casual sex, which is fine, and know it was a 'one night stand' and you're okay with that, of course it's up to you and your decision to make. But, deep down, you're looking for the stablitiy of a real relationship which will hopefully lead to marriage and then children. Have you tried online dating sites like J-Date? You have to pay a registration fee, but I know there are a lot of listings of men in your age category in NY. Always be careful with meetings, though. You meet him in a public place like a restaurant or such and you get there and go home on your own, he doesn't drive you or take you home. Until you know someone well, you can't allow that. Also, always let a friend or relative know where you're going, what time, his first and last name, etc., if/when you should go out on a date with someone you meet online. Talk a lot through emails and on the phone first, before meeting in person.

I hope this advice has helped and please remember to take a moment to Rate my answer positively. Thanks!

Warmest regards,
Cher
Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 18720
Experience: M.A., B.A., Author, Senior Informational Specialist
Cher and 104 other General Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ive been here, for over a week or so,


 


I saw him due to bringing him to pick up his boxes. he hugged me and my roomate mentiones he seemed clingy etc.


we seem to be okay, no the legal sepration is not in process after last night and the fact that what I see as him behaving or not even trying to explain or say there they may be a chance to work this out- the only thing i hear is nothing of that nature, im not expecting it to.. however why or how can a person say they care or love or it was hard for him to make this decesions-expect to still allowed him to be in contact with me or tell him how im doing - and now that he received his resdnce 10 yrs he seems more cold not as cautios to speak or say things that are a fact the he actually did during or being together and after the fact or our seperation- he said ..yes he did and said no other man will do such a thing i did it becouse i cared you matter to me. but now he explain his not in the same financial stage he was back then - he can just contunue doing what he use to in the past. and he will help if i need it not like before - i also said to him well i gave you what you needed he said are we going through this again i dont want this i never ask for this from you- i dont need it became defensively, how ever i want to trully believe in my heart he was not with me for this- his actions his choice of decesions - even if he may show a little of compassion etc. has no doubt when i look in his eyes, i dont now im confused - i did not want to go or seek legal cousel now - ive decided to seek it - only becouse of what he said to me about last night- i thought i could count on him trust him his flipped and its like a yoyo- i dont know if his with any one now etc.. i ask he said he has no time his focus in his work and all this - just like iam how this is brought up was because i said you will know once you get involved he said why are you bringing tihs up you.. i said nevermind.. any how


I know he will be very angry when he gets contact by an attrny on my behave he really does not want to go through one,


im very confused i dont want to go through this i feel due to that fact the marital accents where accrued during our marriage -i think im entitle to the rights not like i want them im just in a stage where i may need help support he tells me he does not have what he had before, at the same time i feel his want to avoid, or like he said fine will talk about it and get it done since its what you want is that it.. and im like yes. ok then will meet sat discussed which is shabbath - or i can just not meet him and tell him an attorney will contact him. i dont want this to get ugly - this cant continue like this - its funny i saied it he said the same thing. i explain to him im in this situation becaouse of him i choose to be with him and support partner - or marrge or togehter.. he also said his not the only man that has done this and that at least his was justifying what he did for me in the last 4 years, what did he expecet for him to do to stay with me if its not he wanted at this point.. it does not matter why he left does not make a diffrnce - just get over it its been a year, I said I have - all im saying is what about what did for you..which he made me angry and my scorn just felt like an open wound again ... it hurt! becaouse here Iam trying to better myself taking work requres travel which Im fine with i like somthing stteady stable grater income.. and makes me happy not jsut sales consulting.. somthing with creative side fashione beauty- somthing to call my own its mine. busnesss wise im figuring out now..


i cant continue to let things sit regrding our past or presnt friends tell me - making joke to get evetyhing i can from him or your rights.. i sort of feel bad im not like this at tthe same time i have to realize his moved on.. just as I have little by little its seems harder when you are left your not the one doing the leaving - i cant even think or emotional attcahmnt yet i have not felt it the potential.. even if i have meet men or talking to some im a little nervouse i can say i have meet a couple - one i sort of like however his really busy and just like me - there is a sexual coection ill share with you.. i like to keep this one.. im not sure we have to actually met well we did at one point however its been few years and it was through busnes trip I made to Ny 3 yrs ago or more - i was involved i did not view him this way i was married.. and the other one his really sweet and wants marrge kids with me he talked about it wth me - i sort of got cold feet - not really my type.. and dont feel like being pressured at the mommnt - i have not dated not that i have too i like to make better decsions on men in my current time and future im 36 and im petrafied of letting my time slip - if its for kids ill do vitro/harvest my eggs that too it expensive.. i dotn feel im emtionally ready to open or be affectinate with a man - i dont want dissappointmnt, I als have dso much going on exam i need to take, a possible proposal in HK, my new life in NY- this marrge thing is distrcts me- and im not sure if im doing the right thing to file - becaouse he has not - i dont know why.. make me second guess maybe he want to let time goo by see what happens or he may still have feeling - then i ask myself if soo why has he not worked it out or told me his intentions- feels his leaving it up to me to file.. which i am i was not - im looking at it martial rights.. what about i file and really the portion of assets are what he said..nothing or his struggling im not doing it with the intentions - im just not stupid! dont want to taken for granted or i know i have been very noce once i file I know he may view me diffrnt or feeling of me my change - im not a bad person or money hungry that the thruth .. i dont know im just typing feel so disturbed i dont want to hurt him or make him think Im like the rest of the american women - however i could have reported him which is what my girlfrinds said she would doo, im not like this!! i dont beive he was with me for that - its nmore painfull to know his feeling cahnged or died as well for me.. i felt difrnt being with him he made me feel secure- then/now i feel that he took the carpet out with out a warning ive broken up in my past i was soo young.. the truth is devastating- im devesteted - even now i feel thersis eelings - enough to not cling on to see there somthing better out there.. i dont love easly I allowd my self to with him. i said to him last night i hate him or hate what he did called him an a-wh.. you know the rest i really was just hurt i felt that if i gave him the card to go on with his busns make things easir for him - he will not deny or i can trust him .. and now im here he knows im here his willing to talk about it ... and take care of this between us why all of a sudden he wants to now and 6 months in the past he did not.. that is what puzzle me - i try to belive he loved or love me, but now not the way to be serious,,, im older than him i feel he should of take all that to consider - I mentioned it to him - i look nthing my age really i look like 25 its crazy -- i ask myself what happen in that heart and mind of his.. in less than 3 months or as he states he saw issues our last year which I was surpsd he never said anything.


 


any wasy enough of all this past


i need to know how I should go about this,,,,


so what do you think Cher?

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi Jasmine, and thanks for your reply and your patience.

This is a very difficult situation. It seems that you have not made much progress since last year, when he left and now he's becoming nasty and saying hurtful things to you? Unacceptable! If I were in this situation, I would have very little to do with him, no speak to him or see him because there is no reason to. I would also start legal proceedings, at least for a legal separation or for the divorce, whatever good advice you get from a good lawyer.

When I found out he was Israeli and asked you if he had his green card, you said yes, he already has it for quite a few years, I figured this had nothing to do with the reason he married you and he truly loved you. I still believe he truly loved you and I do believe a part of him still loves you now. However, he has done/said too many things 'wrong' which hurt you in this marriage/relationship, he does not see reason and does not give you straight answers when you ask him questions about the two of you, and I don't see a future for the two of you. I know you hold out, thinking......'maybe'.......but now he got you angry enough and hurt enough by what he said last night, to finally decide you must do something positive for yourself, and I feel that is to file legal papers.

You DO need to get yourself settled, get a great job, meet other people, live your new life in a new city and put him in your past. I realize how difficult this is for you. He's not 'nothing' to you; he's your husband. BUT, when he left, did he act like a husband? Did he discuss with his wife, what his plans are/were? No! As far as what he's making now or financial assets, etc., that's not your concern. Your lawyer will take care of that for you.

Please keep me updated on how you're doing and what's happening with your situation.

You deserve happiness and that is all I wish you!

If you need any additional information or clarification, simply 'Reply' back before rating and I will be happy to help with any follow up questions.

If you found my answer helpful, a Positive rating and Positive feedback on the survey, would be greatly appreciated. Thanks! Laughing

If you would like to request me to answer any new, future questions, please begin your post with "For Cher Only" and I will respond as soon as possible.

Warmest regards,
Cher
Cher, Educator-40+ yrs
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 18720
Experience: M.A., B.A., Author, Senior Informational Specialist
Cher and 104 other General Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

when I meet him he had no papers- on a student/work permit thing.. once we married we filed then he received his resdnce 2 yrs, we stayed for 4 yrs, then he was in the process of 10 yrs he left just a few months before he recived it- I will proced counsel how ever I feel I have made a progress not ready to file when it comes to this matter he stalled now he seems to be ok since he recived 10 yrs one just two months ago.


thank you ill keep you posted.


it is my concern his maritial assets that were acrued through marrige that why he does not want to deal with it.. as if i like to. i dont all is too complicated I want peace of mind. with happiness.


 


its not about the love - love is diffrent for me - its a bond and not a competition, or somthing that fades away then its not love its infatuation. when when there is love you dont hurt the person, even if your doing somthing that is best for ones future.. when there is no commitmnt love strong enough you walk away. that is the truth i have made progress im not bitter or angry - ive teared enough..


have no more power for it i do know he will not like the facf i seeked counsel..he said he willl do anything thats going to make me happy, in regrds to legal seperation. its a cop out easier for him im sure - its ok im over it. i quit him. never said it..not angry just hear torn i dont want to do somthing hurtful, to anyone thats were is leading to now.


 


good night and thank you once again.


 

Expert:  Cher replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, Jasmine and you're most welcome!

I agree with everything you said and your outlook on things are wonderful! Take the steps you need to, so you have some sort of financial security in the future, and all you can do is roll with the punches as each task comes along. I admire your fortitude and forgiving nature!

Thanks very much for your positive ratings; I truly appreciate them.

Goodnight,
Cher

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