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It sounds like you have a plugged PCV valve.
Let's do a little test...
With the engine running, pull the PCV valve with hose attached, from the valve rocker cover rubber grommet.
A hissing noise should be heard as air passes through the valve and a strong vacuum should be felt when you place a finger over the valve inlet if the valve is working properly. While you have your finger over the PCV valve inlet, check for vacuum leaks in the hose and at the connections. Replace any leaking hoses found in the system.
..and the oil is actually spraying out the side of the engine?
Or is it running all down the side of it, getting the exhaust manifolds wet...
Are you sure the valve cover gasket doesn't have something under it, Like a wire?
It happens to the best of us...
It really sounds like valve cover gasket, that's the only thing on that side of the engine, and it running all down the side of it????
I'll be waiting